Chapter 51 #2
‘“On a cold day in February last year, a customer came into the shop with an unusual request,”’ reads the presenter.
‘“He didn’t really know what he was looking for, just that he wanted to leave books for his wife that would help her when he was no longer there. He explained his idea for a year of books but admitted that he didn’t know where to start, given he wasn’t much of a reader himself.
In fact, he hadn’t read a book since high school. ”’
Alfie suddenly can’t meet Tilly’s eye, looking down at his lap, feeling his neck and face flushing hot.
The presenter continues to read. ‘“Alfie spent the whole afternoon with the customer. In fact, he closed the shop early so he could give him his full attention, going back and forth over different suggestions until there were twelve books that the customer was entirely happy with.” Now,’ says the presenter, looking up, ‘that doesn’t sound like nothing to me. ’
There’s a silence and it takes Alfie a moment to realize everyone is waiting for him to say something.
‘I’m a bookseller. Helping people find the books they need is my job.’
‘Which is a splendid reminder of the importance of independent bookshops,’ says the presenter.
She goes on to mention the fact that Book Lane is now selling customers their own ‘year of books’ online but all Alfie can think about is when the cameras will stop rolling and how long it is until he can get up and leave.
Tilly walks off the set feeling dazed, her steps wobbly. For all her anxieties, once she was sat in the chair she experienced an unexpected rush of adrenaline that wasn’t unpleasant. It felt good to share her story and to feel as though people wanted to hear it.
A member of the camera crew unclips the microphone from her dress, someone doing the same to Alfie’s shirt beside her. She tries to catch his eye but he looks away, his gaze fixed on his shoes.
‘Thanks so much again for coming on the programme,’ says the producer, leading them through the maze of wires and equipment surrounding the set. ‘I’ll just take you back to the green room for your things.’
Tilly follows the producer down a corridor, aware of Alfie behind her and the sounds of the studio growing quieter as they move through the building. She can feel her heart racing inside her chest.
‘Someone will be up in a minute to take you downstairs,’ the producer says, leading them into the small room where they’d waited ahead of the interview. ‘Thanks again, it went really well! Good luck with the campaign.’ And then the door swings shut behind her, and Tilly and Alfie are left alone.
A screen in the room shows the set they have just left, the presenter having her make-up touched up as she prepares for the next segment.
But Tilly can’t stop looking at Alfie, thinking about everything the presenter revealed.
An image comes into her mind of Alfie guiding Joe around the bookshop, pulling down book after book from the shelf. Her chest tightens.
‘Well, that was surreal,’ she says, trying to lighten the atmosphere in the small, suddenly warm room. ‘Not your average Thursday. At least, not mine anyway.’
She hopes he might laugh, but his mouth is set in a tight line, the crease between his eyebrows deepening.
‘I’m sorry about all that,’ he says in a rough voice. ‘I had no idea they’d spoken to Prudence or that she’d told them all that. I hate the thought of you thinking I kept something from you. But I didn’t think it was right to tell you –’
‘Alfie, stop.’ She reaches a hand out, placing her palm on his chest. She can feel his heart beating hard and fast beneath the thick, scratchy warmth of his jumper. ‘You have nothing to be sorry about.’
He looks down at her, his eyes hesitantly searching her face.
‘It really was all Joe’s idea. I just helped a bit. I know Prudence meant well but I wish she hadn’t said all of that …’
Without quite realizing what she’s doing, she takes a step closer until they are stood just a step away from one another, the next interview playing on the screen above them but neither of them listening.
Alfie seems to catch his breath, then says, ‘I don’t want it to change the way you think about Joe’s gift. I know how much the year of books means to you. I don’t want to take anything away from that.’
His voice is rough and she can feel his breath, catch his coffee and wool smell cut with a hint of eucalyptus.
‘It does change the way I think about the gift.’
He blinks down at her, his expression pained, and she suddenly wants to reach up and smooth out the lines on his forehead. She swallows hard and manages to keep her hands where they are, one on Alfie’s chest, the other at her side.
‘It makes total sense now, actually. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner.
Of course there’s no way Joe would have thought to recommend Emily Henry.
Or Elizabeth Gilbert. The year of books could only have existed because Joe knew me and you knew books.
None of all this would have happened without both of you.
I’m just sorry I didn’t realize it sooner.
Because if I had, I would have known to thank you. ’
‘You don’t have to thank me.’ His voice catches.
‘But I want to.’ She tilts her head up to his, feeling the heat of his eyes on her.
As she looks at him, she sees everything he has done for her over the past year.
The conversations where he has listened to her open up about her grief, and has shared his own pain with her like an offering.
A cat-themed window display. A tent in the park.
Dry socks at the airport. A backpack full of food. And now this.
She reaches across the space between them for his hand.
‘Thank you, Alfie.’
His fingers slip through hers and squeeze. His lips part slightly and she leans closer, her chin tilting up, eyes on his.
‘Are you ready for me to show you both out?’ comes a voice in the doorway.
Tilly jumps backwards, almost knocking over a chair. Alfie steps back too, clearing his throat. An assistant is waiting, looking at them a little strangely.
‘Yes, we’re ready,’ Alfie says, taking another step, putting even more space between them, never meeting Tilly’s eye.
When Tilly arrives home, there are dozens of messages waiting for her, congratulating her on the interview – from her parents, from Harper and Raj, Rachel – and dozens on social media in response to a story she posted of herself outside the BBC studio.
But all Tilly can think about is Alfie and that moment in the green room. What would have happened if the assistant hadn’t walked in? What did Tilly want to happen? She has no idea. Or perhaps, even more terrifyingly, she does.
It hits her who might be able to help her sort through the complex tangle of her emotions.
Tilly sends a group message to Lola and John from the Paris Grief Gang.
Tilly:
Random question, but have either of you dated since losing your partners? Because I think I sort of nearly kissed someone today. And now I’m a mess.