Chapter 52
Her phone begins immediately to vibrate.
When she answers, it’s to the welcome sight of Lola’s face, beaming at her from a Parisian street, the sound of traffic in the background.
‘Tilly! Tell us everything.’
A second later, John connects, dressed in tweed and looking slightly startled against a backdrop of ornate bookshelves that Tilly recognizes as his library with its view over the Eiffel Tower.
‘How wonderful to see you both, my dears,’ he says, reaching for a floral teacup and raising it in greeting.
‘Hi, John. Now, Tilly, tell us about this kiss.’
‘Almost kiss,’ Tilly corrects, feeling her cheeks grow hot.
‘He sounds like a great guy,’ says Lola, stepping out of the way of a group of tourists gathered on what Tilly thinks she recognizes as the Pont Neuf. ‘I mean, he brought you dry socks after your camping trip.’
‘He is a great guy.’
‘And handsome too,’ John chips in, making Lola laugh. ‘What?’ he says with a shrug. ‘I watched your interview together. He’s a very good-looking young man. And he clearly knows his books too, which is always a plus.’
‘Maybe,’ replies Tilly, emotion trapped in her throat. ‘But … he’s not Joe.’
Tears well in her eyes in the silence that follows.
‘No,’ Lola says softly. ‘And I bet that feels confusing.’
Tilly nods, wiping her face and tucking her legs under her on the sofa.
‘Before, when I thought Alfie had a girlfriend, I could tell myself that we were just friends. But if I’m honest with myself, there have been … other moments.’
The feel of his firm hands on her bare skin, stopping her from tripping into the canal.
The two of them alone in the bookshop after the book club, sharing wine, knees almost touching.
Him sat beside her in the tiny tent he’d helped her put together, exuding his warmth and his smell.
The relief of seeing him at the airport, and how she hadn’t even thought about it before she’d thrown her arms around him, sinking into the reassuring feeling of his solid chest.
‘I think maybe the idea of him having a girlfriend was an excuse – a way for me to ignore how I felt. To pretend it wasn’t happening.
Because I didn’t want to admit I was getting close to someone who isn’t Joe.
Because what does that say about me? He was the love of my life.
I can’t be feeling this way about someone else. ’
‘I felt the same way when I first started dating Malcolm,’ says John, making both Tilly and Lola widen their eyes, momentarily speechless.
‘You have a boyfriend?’ Lola says.
‘We’re long distance at the moment,’ John blushes, taking another sip of tea. ‘He lives in London. But we’ve been together some time. I had to take things slowly at first. I didn’t think I was ready for anything serious. But he … he’s made me feel alive again.’
‘You look giddy, John,’ says Lola, and Tilly has to agree that he suddenly looks about ten years younger, his eyes sparkling.
‘I’ll be honest,’ Lola continues, ‘I haven’t dated since Larry.
But I think I would like to. With the right person.
I don’t want to think that’s it, for me, when it comes to love.
Why should it be? Something awful happened to me.
The worst thing. Why shouldn’t I be allowed to be happy again?
I know that’s what Larry would want for me. ’
‘I think,’ says John, clearing his throat for a moment before continuing, ‘maybe we don’t get just one love of our lives.
Maybe we all have room in our hearts for more than one story.
I will always love Henri, and Malcolm understands that.
What we have is different. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t real. And with him I feel … happy.’
‘Does Alfie make you feel happy?’ Lola asks.
Tilly doesn’t even have to think about her reply. ‘Yes.’
Whenever she visits the bookshop, she is always glad to see him, and on the days when he isn’t there, she has to hide her disappointment.
‘But even if he does, I have no idea if he feels the same way.’ She thinks back to how he stepped away from her in the green room earlier, putting as much space as possible between them.
‘Then maybe you need to find out,’ says Lola with a smile.
John nods from the screen of Tilly’s phone.
‘What if I get my heart broken? I don’t know if I could survive that again.’
‘Love is scary. But life is short, Matilda. We know this more than most, don’t we? You deserve happiness, my dear. Don’t you forget that.’
Once Tilly has thanked them and they’ve said goodbye, she flops back against the sofa cushions, emotionally exhausted after the day and the conversation.
With effort she drags herself over to the fridge, hoping there are enough ingredients inside for something quick and easy.
But before opening the door her eyes fall on something pinned there with a magnet: Harper’s wedding invitation.
Just two weeks away.
Her attention catches on one phrase in Harper’s handwritten note: You can bring a friend if you like.
Tilly had thought about inviting Rachel, but she has plans with family that weekend, so she’s settled on the idea of going alone, but the thought now fills her with more than a little dread.
When Tilly considers who else she might bring, who would make her feel calmer, who she would want to spend the day with, there’s only one person who comes to mind.