Chapter 12 #3
“Oh my god.” I laughed. “Okay, yeah. Fine. That’s worse.
” I crossed my arms, closing myself off, and took a deep breath.
Here we go. “Rory, I owe you an apology. I feel like I’ve been careless with you over the years .
. . I didn’t know what to do with all the feelings I had.
And I had a lot of feelings.” My laugh was heavy and weighed down with guilt.
“They were big. I was messy, and I’m sorry. ”
Rory’s smile slipped into sadness. “Where did you go?” His dark-brown eyes knocked me out.
“What do you mean?” My heart sank, and my throat closed.
“You left, and you never came back.”
“You never called, Rory. It wasn’t just me,” I said defensively.
“I know.” Rory nodded and looked out at Vancouver’s skyline.
We were surrounded by glass buildings and the dim lights that penetrated their windows.
“I freaked out when you walked away from me the day after we kissed. I asked you out, and you couldn’t even look at me.
I don’t know what happened, but you didn’t want to talk to me or be around me. You just left.”
I took a deep breath. And then another.
Four. Three. Two . . .
“Something happened with Caleb Davis’s dad that day that I didn’t really understand.
I still don’t think I understand it,” I admitted.
The sky pushed down on me. “But after that, I didn’t know how to be there.
” I let out a sharp, unexpected gasp. I hadn’t thought about Albert Davis in over a year.
Why was I gasping? “I tried to go back, but I didn’t know how, you know? ”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what you’re trying to say. What happened with Caleb’s dad?” Rory’s face twisted with concern.
Four. Three. Two . . .
“I don’t even know how to say it without feeling .
. . ridiculous. But before that day, I was walking around Juniper with rose-colored glasses on, thinking everything was one way.
When the glasses came off, I found out I had been walking around looking like an idiot the whole time. And everyone knew but me.”
“Ellie, what happened?” Rory asked again, nervously.
Three. Two. One . . .
“He just . . . He . . .” Our eyes connected. “He liked me, Rory . . . And he tried to give me presents. He had this sweatband that he . . . tried to make me wear? He watched me, and he said things to me, and . . . He liked me, and he wanted me to know it.”
Rory looked away from me, and distress clouded his face. He ran his fingers through his hair, and his eyes searched for the nonexistent horizon. “I wish I’d known that.”
“I was . . .” I was currently blacking out, that’s what I was doing.
“I was embarrassed, and then I felt a lot of shame.” I shook my head and bit the inside of my cheek.
“Besides, you wouldn’t have done anything.
Nobody did. There was nothing to do. Nobody cared.
” It was hard for me to admit, but it was also the truth.
I blinked back tears. “I thought I was special, which is stupid because I ended up being just like every other random junior that shows up there for a stint and then disappears. I was a blip. I was just another girl at the golf club, and then I wasn’t, you know? ”
Rory closed his eyes and released a wobbly breath. “You weren’t a blip.”
“I think a lot about where I would be if that all didn’t happen.
Would I still be at Juniper every weekend, waiting to see your Jeep pull up the driveway?
I think I probably would be. When I really think about it, I wasn’t up there golfing.
That’s not what I was doing. I was just up there . . . waiting for you.”
His face pinched with sadness and then transformed with realization. “So that’s why you all stopping going?”
I didn’t answer. I didn’t have to.
“I thought you changed your mind about me. Or you were bored with me. I thought you didn’t like me.”
I went numb.
“I loved you, Rory.” My words fell out of my mouth, natural and necessary.
“Please don’t say that.” He kept his eyes closed, avoiding me.
“I’m sorry . . .”
What are you doing, Ellie? Stop it. He doesn’t want to hear it, and you shouldn’t be saying it. Calm down, Ellie. He doesn’t want you. He doesn’t love you. You have a boyfriend. What the fuck are you doing? Don’t love him anymore, Ellie. Just stop. Stop.
After a hard swallow and a throat clear, I sat up. Rory opened his eyes to see what I was doing. I held out my hand, and he braced himself for a moment before taking it. I pulled him up so we were sitting face-to-face.
“Before anything else, we were friends. I miss you.”
He didn’t say anything. He just looked at me. I could have sworn his eyes looked a little glassy, a little watery.
“Your turn,” I whispered.
His breath caught in his throat. “I miss you, too.”
I pulled out my phone from my small purse and pressed one earbud into his ear, then one into mine. I flipped through some tracks, landed on Guns N’ Roses’ “November Rain,” pressed play, then turned to him. “Want to start over?”
His eyebrows crinkled, as if he were in pain, and he pressed his lips together tightly. His dimple dug deep into his cheek. When he opened his eyes again, it felt like a shooting star had exploded overhead and pierced every inch of me.
“Let’s start over,” he answered, capturing my heart once more.