Chapter 14
RORY AND I WERE ON THE SEAWALL AND MAKING OUR WAY UNDER the Lions Gate Bridge, walking past the massive greenish-blue anchorage near the tip of Stanley Park.
We had done that a lot since rekindling our friendship after prom.
For two years, we had been meeting up once or twice a month.
We’d go for a walk or a hike, or we’d hit some balls at a public driving range.
We always did something outside, letting the world come between us.
Kara and Cameron started joining us once Cameron finally came to his senses and asked her out.
Hannah and Orson made appearances, too, and when Jacob came, he always brought a different girl.
Usually, it was just me and Rory. My boyfriend, Matt, went to the driving range with us once.
That was a goddamn nightmare. Rory never brought anyone else, though Kara told me there had been a couple of girls since prom.
Our conversation was surface-level, which was unusual for us. Even as kids, Rory and I had figured out a way to talk to each other without fear of being misunderstood, except, of course, when it came to our feelings. Then we said nothing.
I stared off into the ocean, unfocused, and Rory didn’t say anything about it until we reached Third Beach.
“What’s going on? I don’t think you’ve formed a sentence in the last ten minutes.” He looked out at the thirteen gigantic freighters in the water.
“I don’t know.” I sighed.
“Liar.” He flicked his eyes over to me but kept his distance.
I was studying psychology at university, but only because it was what my sister was studying.
I had stopped swimming competitively after high school.
My auditions were few and far between, and they never progressed beyond one line or a dance.
I had been studying with an acting coach since graduating high school, working on monologues I had written myself, but I feared no one would ever see them performed.
I was also taking singing lessons, and my acting coach encouraged me to participate in community theater in and around Vancouver, which I kept secret from everyone.
After my coach found out I was writing my own material, she started taking me seriously and began pushing different theater programs at me.
I had finally applied to UCLA and was rejected.
I could feel everything I believed myself to be slowly disassembling.
But I couldn’t let it go. I wasn’t finished, but without the dream of UCLA, I didn’t know how to fill the phantom emptiness and unraveling inside me. I had felt this way for a long time and hadn’t talked to anyone about it.
“I don’t know, Rory . . . I think I’m . . .” I deflated. “I don’t know.” I moved over to one of the empty logs on the beach and sat. I didn’t tell Rory about UCLA. I couldn’t stomach him knowing I’d failed at the one thing I’d told everyone I would do.
“Is it school-related?” Rory sat next to me, and even though he was six inches away, I could feel all our years of distance keeping us as far apart as possible.
He dipped the toes of his shoes into the sand, and let a long stretch of silence pass before saying, “You’ve got to work with me here, Cains.
” He tipped his body back. “Is it Matt?”
“No,” I answered quickly, not wanting to go there.
“Well, then, what’s going on? I can tell you’re off.”
I zeroed in on some grayish-white sand fleas near Rory’s feet. “I just feel unsettled.” I took a deep breath. “Things aren’t what I thought they’d be, you know?”
Rory nodded, not looking at me, already understanding my train of thought. “You’re not doing what you want to do,” he stated definitively.
“I don’t know what I want to do.” I turned my head, not wanting him to see that I was on the edge of tears.
“Yeah, you do.”
“It’s like I have this ache inside me that won’t go away. I thought it meant something to be so certain of who I was when I was young, but I’m not an actor. I say I am, but what have I done? It’s like calling yourself a golfer when all you do is go to the driving range.”
Rory put his hands down on the log, listening to me. I instinctively did the same, mirroring him, keeping our hands close but not touching.
I took a deep breath. “I thought I was this person, and I’m not. I’m a fraud. I know it, and everyone else is gonna figure it out eventually.” Rory shifted his fingers on the log to gently cover mine, comforting me.“I’m not happy.”
“You’re only twenty,” he said quietly. “And you are the farthest thing from a fraud.”
He was going to figure it out eventually.
I needed to change the subject, but he changed it for me.
“Are you happy with Matt?” I could feel the blood drain from my body.
Everything inside me went dry and calcified.
The subtle, subconscious shake of my head was barely perceptible.
“Are you gonna leave him?” We kept our fingers connected.
He held his mouth in a tight line, not revealing a thing.
“I don’t know,” I breathed inaudibly, though I absolutely did know. I just didn’t know when. “Are you gonna transfer?”
After graduating from high school, Rory decided to take golf seriously.
Very seriously. He moved beyond Juniper, winning championships and awards all over the country and in the States.
The University of British Columbia, Florida State, the University of Southern California, and the University of Texas all took notice.
“I don’t know. I’ve got some time. So do you, you know.”
“There’s a program I’ve been looking at. They’re holding auditions next week in Seattle. I was thinking about going and not telling anyone.” I shook my head. “It would just be another thing to be embarrassed about if I put myself out there and got rejected by another school.”
“Another school? What schools have you been rejected by?”
“N-no. Just . . . You know.” I bit my lip. “Anyway, the audition is for a two-year intensive theater program at Bronwyn School for the Arts. It’s in New York.”
“New York?” Rory was holding his breath. “That’s new . . . different,” he muttered.
“It’s ludicrous to think that I might get in.
It’s this prestigious performing arts school.
It would never happen. But I don’t know.
I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach, just eating at me .
. . I don’t belong here. And maybe there’s something else for me out there.
Something more.” I hung my head. “I’m mortified even to say that out loud, but I’m never going to be happy if I don’t . . . if I don’t . . .”
Try.
I looked back at Rory, and he was already looking at me. “Would you go to Seattle with me for the audition? For backup?” I asked meekly.
Rory let out a jagged breath. “Yeah, Cains. I’ll go.” He pulled his hand away from mine and stood to finish our walk.
Five months later, I was accepted into Bronwyn School for the Arts. I couldn’t believe it. Nobody could, except for Rory.
“Are you breaking up with Matt? Or are you thinking about doing long distance with him?” Blair asked while slurping his spicy miso ramen.
“Oh man,” I sighed.
Hannah, Kara, Cameron, Blair, Jacob, Orson, Rory, and I were grabbing a late-night snack at a hole-in-the-wall after-hours ramen spot just off Granville Street in downtown Vancouver.
We’d gone to a concert at the Commodore Ballroom as part of my going-away festivities because I was leaving in a week.
Rory and I had intentionally spent the entire night with someone standing between us, acting as a buffer.
At least, that’s what I was doing. I wasn’t sure what he was doing because he looked so goddamn good with his hair all sweaty and his T-shirt clinging to him that I could barely look in his direction.
We crammed around the restaurant’s small table.
Blair was letting Hannah share his broth.
Orson was still waiting for his meal because they had put the wrong order in and had to remake it.
Jacob was inhaling his food. Kara’s head was hanging low.
She was drunk, and Cameron was preoccupied with taking care of her. Rory and I sat across from each other.
“Matt is on Salt Spring Island right now, but he’s back tomorrow. I’ll figure it out.” I stuffed noodles into my mouth.
Jacob groaned. “Why don’t you just pick up the phone and break up with him?”
I scoffed. “Nice. Classy, Jacob.”
“Do you even love him?” Jacob asked with his mouth full.
“No. Ellie loves Rory,” Kara announced.
Every muscle in my body contracted. My heart sank to the bottom of my stomach. She’d said it. She’d actually said it. Kara was known to let things slip out from time to time, but this was unfamiliar territory. Kara had said the thing that no one ever said.
Orson stiffened. Jacob’s face warped into an “uh-oh” expression. Hannah’s cheeks popped out like she was a blowfish. Cameron’s eyes bugged out of his head as he wrapped his arm around Kara. Rory was the only one who didn’t flinch. With a clenched jaw, he kept his eyes on the ground.
“Don’t listen to her. She doesn’t know what she’s saying,” Cameron said, trying to cover for Kara.
The silence that took over the table had a high-pitched ring attached to it.
“Ummm, so . . .” I laughed nervously. “So this is how I die.” I nodded, still softly chuckling. “Okay, cool. I just need to—I’m gonna go outside and get some air. Get a cab and all that. I’ll see you later.” My voice was trembling.
I got up from my chair. Blair, now twenty-three, shot up like a rocket to stand with me.
“Cainey, don’t be dumb,” Blair implored. Blair and Jacob had moved into a downtown apartment, and the plan had been for us all to crash at their place. That clearly was no longer happening.
“It’s okay,” I said. Hannah grabbed my hand to steady me, and I pushed her away.
“No, Hannah. Honestly, it’s fine. We all know she’s right.
” I shrugged and gestured flippantly toward Rory.
His dark-brown eyes were now burning a hole into me.
All my fucks officially went out the window.
My vision went blurry. “Not like it’s ever mattered, but there you have it. ”
“Not like it’s ever mattered?” Rory repeated. “Is that a joke? You think that wouldn’t matter to me? Ellie, you’ve had a boyfriend this whole time!” Rory stood.
“Why do you think that is, Rory? What the hell was I supposed to do?! Not live my life?” I couldn’t stop myself from shouting. “You’ve never said that you actually like me. We’ve danced around it, but you’ve never said it. Never. Not once.”
“Are you kidding me right now?” Rory looked stunned.
“You haven’t.”
“Neither have you!” he roared.
I scoffed. “I told you I loved you at prom, and you told me to stop talking.”
The shocked silence from everyone around the table after I dropped the love bomb was almost laughable.
“Loved, Ellie! You said loved! Past-fucking-tense! Did you mean love?” Rory’s voice boomed. His eyes went wide, and he threw his hands into his hair.
“Oh my god,” Hannah whispered. Everyone, including drunk, sloppy, foot-in-her-mouth Kara, was watching us like we were in a tennis match.
“Two years have gone by since prom, and you said loved, but you meant love?! Loved or love?!”
“Please stop saying that. It’s semantics. It doesn’t matter.”
“IT FUCKING MATTERS!” Rory shouted louder than I’d ever heard before.
“I’m not doing this. We’re making a huge scene, and this needs to stop. Sorry, everyone.” I twisted my body around to face the people inside the restaurant. We even had rubberneckers in the street looking at us through the windows.
“You love me?” Rory looked like he was going to faint.
“I’m a bad person. I’m . . . I’m a bad person.” I nodded uncontrollably.
“ELLIE, DO YOU LOVE ME?!” Rory screamed.
“I have a boyfriend, Rory! I can’t fucking say it!” Tears sprang from my eyes, and I lost focus.
“Well, I can’t fucking say it!” Rory’s eyes were wild.
I was pretty sure I was dead. I must have fallen on the dance floor and hit my head against the bar and died, because there was no way this long-awaited conversation was actually happening in front of my sister, his brothers, our friends, and a bunch of drunk strangers on Granville Street.
“I can’t look away.” Orson leaned into Jacob.
“Dude. Look. Away,” Jacob begged.
“You’re moving away, Ellie! In a week. In a fucking week! Holy fuck. Do you love me?!” I didn’t answer. Rory fell back into his seat and dropped his head between his legs. “I think I’m gonna throw up.”
“This is horrifying.” I turned to Blair and Cameron. “Probably none of this is what I thought it was, or pretended it was. You’ve probably thought I was just this bitch screwing around with your brother’s feelings this whole time.”
Because I had been . . . Because I was.
I started shaking with the realization that I was the bad guy. I had a boyfriend, and I was in love with someone else. They’d all probably thought for years that I was a stupid, silly little girl.
Because I had been . . . Because I was.
None of it was real.
“Meanwhile . . . Fine.” I was already going to hell. I turned to Rory. “I have loved you since we were twelve years old. I love you, Rory. I’m in love with you. Present-fucking-tense. And I’ve never known what to do about it.”
Rory looked back at me from his chair, shell-shocked.
“Rory, say something,” Orson quietly pleaded to his friend.
“Say it right now, Rore,” Cameron implored, but Rory said nothing. He just stared at me.
“Okay. I can’t—Yeah, I can’t do this anymore.” An uncontrollable cry escaped through my lips.
“Ellie, don’t!” Hannah stood.
“You both need to go outside.” Blair grabbed Rory’s wrist and pulled him to his feet, attempting to snap his brother out of his trance. “Go talk to her.”
But it was too late. I was up and out. “No, thanks. I’m good.” I pushed myself through the swinging door.
“Oh shit!” Hannah exclaimed, and everyone was out of their seats and following me into the warm summer air. It hit me like I was under a blow-dryer, but I charged ahead to an empty taxi waiting at the corner.
“Rory, get in the car!” I heard Cameron call from behind.
“Nope! Not necessary!” I shouted as I grabbed the handle.
“Then jump in-fucking-front of it, Rore! Don’t let her go!” Cameron bellowed.
“Shut up, Cameron!” I snapped, then ripped the door open.
That’s when I finally heard Rory scream, “ELLIE!”
I slammed the door shut, and the cab took off. My phone was ringing off the hook. It was Rory. It was Hannah. It was Blair. It was Cameron. It was Rory. It was Rory. It was Rory. I ignored every call, dialed Matt, broke up with him, then turned off my phone.