Chapter 17
I WAS HUGGING BLAIR, BUT I COULDN’T BELIEVE I WAS LOOKING at Rory. It had been six months since I left. Six months since he finally told me that he loved me. Six months since he shattered me in the very next breath. And six months of me rebuilding my life.
Rory had his hands deep in his pockets. He was wearing a thin black sweater that hugged his lean, toned frame, and dark-gray slacks.
His shaggy, curly brown hair was pushed back as best as it could be, framing his lightly freckled face.
His jaw was tense; his lips were tight and slightly downturned.
“When did you get so pretty?” Blair pushed my long, wavy hair over my shoulder.
“Timed it perfectly with moving away, I guess,” I said.
Blair grinned, then reached over me to pull Hannah toward him and away from Lucas for a hug.
I looked at Rory and forced out a small smile. He did the same. His dimple twitched, and it caused him to look away, but only for a moment.
“I hope it’s okay we’re here, Ellie-Bee.” Jacob threw his arm around Kara.
“Of course, of course. I’m so happy to see you.”
No, it’s not okay! It is absolutely not even a little bit okay!
Cameron smiled at me sweetly, then pushed Jacob aside to kiss Kara.
I turned to Ben, who was stiff and confused. He, Zoe, and Lucas stood uncomfortably inside the loud, dark blues bar. I felt guilty. I felt awful and guilty, and I didn’t know who those feelings were directed toward, Ben or Rory or both.
The band took the stage, and everything felt louder and brighter.
My breath felt shallow; my vision went fuzzy.
I looked at Rory and saw his look of recognition morph into worry as he watched my eyes start to go vacant.
His back straightened, his eyes focused, and he stepped forward, but Ben beat him to it.
“Breathe, buddy,” Ben whispered so low that only I could hear him. He carefully leaned into me, and a rush of calm washed through me.
“Okay,” I started. “So, introductions. This is Jacob, Kara’s brother.” I turned my body away, unable to look at any of them. “And, ummm, this is Blair, Cameron, and Rory.” I said their names as quickly as possible. Apparently, it wasn’t fast enough, as Lucas and Zoe froze.
Ben stepped forward first. He was tense. It was clear he was upset, and I knew he was jealous, but he didn’t dare admit it. He extended his hand. “Hi, I’m Ben. I’m . . .” He hesitated.
“The roommate?” Cameron finished his sentence with a speculative tone.
“Yup. That is something that I am,” Ben said awkwardly, sounding staccato. His eyes flicked over to me.
Jacob stepped up to meet Ben and took his hand. “I’ve heard so much about you, Ben. It’s nice to meet you.”
I exhaled a sigh of relief and noticed Ben do the same. “I’ve heard a lot about you, too, Jacob. You, Ellie, Hannah, and Kara go back to the diaper years, right?”
“Basically, yeah. Ellie is like a little sister to me.” Jacob nodded, and though no one else could hear Jacob’s subtle warning to Ben, I could.
Blair joined in. “It’s your birthday, also, right? How old are you?”
“Twenty-four, as of a couple of days ago.”
“Oh, you’re our age.” Blair tossed his thumb back and forth between him and Jacob. I glanced over to Rory as he leaned against a chair. Rory had turned twenty-one in February. I hadn’t wished him a happy birthday.
“So, this is Lucas,” I pointed to Lucas. He had moved next to Hannah again when Blair stepped away and draped his arm over her shoulder. Blair’s eyes narrowed, silently screaming, Back up, Frenchie.
“Zoe is that one.”
Zoe brushed her thick curtain bangs to the side and tilted her head.
I could see Jacob start to sweat as his eyes roamed her face and body.
I watched Zoe look Rory up and down, skeptically, then scrunch her nose and squint her eyes, not wanting to approve, but clearly doing so.
Zoe moved her attention back to me, and I shot daggers at her through my eyes and silently shouted, Stop it!
She looked at me through her bangs with a casual shrug, and I knew what she was saying: Okay, I get it now. He’s sexy. Hannah and Kara both snickered.
“And as you know, this one is Ben, the roommate.” I grabbed Ben’s bicep. “We’ll be back.” I smiled, then pulled him away from the group. I got Ben alone and let go of his arm. “I didn’t know they were coming,” I insisted.
“I know. It’s okay,” he said, avoiding the truth. “Do you want me to figure out a way to get more tables?”
“Okay.” I nodded, looking around.
“Ellie, relax.” Ben pulled a chair out for me at the small round table they had already reserved.
“Okay,” I said again, not listening at all.
“Hey.” Ben subtly hooked his finger through a belt loop on my jeans. I saw Rory and Cameron both clock the touch. Cameron looked over his shoulder to see if his brother was watching, but Rory didn’t flinch. He kept his hands in his pockets and his dark eyes on me.
“Yeah?” I was entirely unfocused.
“Hey.” Ben gently tugged me toward him with his finger. He lightly pressed his hand on my stomach, and his thumb slipped under my shirt to graze my skin. Rory shifted his weight uncomfortably.
“Ellie,” Ben whispered. My eyes finally met his. “If you want, we can get out of here. Or you, Hannah, Kara, and Zoe can do a girls’ night, and the guys will leave. It’s whatever you want.” Ben’s earthy green eyes were bouncing back and forth between mine.
“I think I need to talk to Rory.” My words ran into each other. I saw a momentary flash of hurt behind Ben’s expression.
“Like I said, whatever you want.” He let out a quick, strained breath.
I shook my head, feeling my brain swell with panic. “Ben, I . . . I don’t—”
“It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything.” He released his fingers from my stomach.
I grabbed Ben’s hand and held it to my chest. His eyes darted back to mine. “Whatever’s happening between us, I want it,” I said, repeating Ben’s words from the middle of the night back to him. We shared a private smile, and I released his hand before saying, “I’ll be back.”
I walked through my group of friends, quickly clutched Hannah’s hand for a confidence boost, locked eyes with Kara, and then with Zoe, and then moved past Rory and out the door.
I may as well have had eyes in the back of my head.
Rory stood from the chair he was leaning against. He looked at Ben.
Ben looked at him. Then Rory turned and followed me out without having uttered a word.
I had my arms crossed and kept my eyes trained on my black boots. Rory was leaning against a parked car next to a streetlight, appearing more natural on the streets of New York than I had felt in the last six months.
“Why are you here?” I looked up at Rory, and he answered me with his sad smile. His eyes fell to my wrist, and his mouth pinched together. I was wearing the rose gold bracelet he’d given me at his prom. “Whose idea was it to come?” My words were clipped as I brought my hands behind my back.
“Mine,” he said. I popped my eyebrows, not believing him. “It was my idea,” he assured me, unflinching.
“Yeah, well . . .” I looked at a flashing tattoo parlor sign a few doors over.
After a long moment, Rory adjusted his lean. “So, your roommate—”
“Ben,” I said, laser-focused.
Rory closed his eyes and tilted his head back. His loose dark curls were perfectly styled to gleam under the streetlight like a model’s. It was deeply inconvenient. “Ben. Are you together?” He kept his eyes shut, waiting for my answer.
“Why do you care?”
“Because I care.” He was unprepared for me to be so closed off. It wasn’t natural for either of us. We didn’t know how to navigate the obstacles we put in each other’s way.
“No, you don’t. You don’t choose this, and you don’t choose me. That’s what you said. You also said you loved me, but then you took it back.” Fire rose up my belly and barreled through my throat to the top of my head. “So how am I supposed to believe you when you say you care now?”
Rory contorted his mouth. I could tell he was trying to control his emotions.
He unexpectedly moved toward me, surprising me, and his hand raced down my arm.
He quickly thumbed my bracelet, then grabbed my hand, threading our fingers together.
He was sweaty, and his pulse pumped rapidly against my wrist. He took my hand as if it were his.
“That night was the best night and the worst night of my life. What I did . . . the things I said . . .” He shook his head with his eyes closed. “Ellie, I can’t believe the things I said.”
I couldn’t believe the things he said, either.
“I don’t want to do this.” I strained for breath, and my stomach dropped. I let go of his hand.
His eyes fell to my hand pulling away from his.
His jaw clenched. “I was devastated that you were leaving. Everything was just . . .” He brought his hand up to cover his eyes and pinched his face like he wanted to crush his skull.
“To finally have you while knowing that I was also losing you was an absolute mind fuck.” He looked at me.
“You are and have always been everything to me.”
“Please stop. You said it was a mistake, and clearly you were right.” I couldn’t breathe.
He squeezed his eyes shut, pained by the memory of the last time we saw each other. He put his hands on his hips and hung his head. “Ellie . . .” He looked back at me and pressed his fingers into his forehead. “Please hear me out before you break up with me—”
“We were never together,” I said firmly.
“Yes, we were.” Though he matched my obstinate tone, his eyes started watering. “We’ve been together the whole time. We’ve just never said it out loud.”
Tears finally fell to my cheeks. “Whatever you’re doing right now, please don’t,” I pleaded.
“But if I don’t—”
I cut him off. “Rory.”
“Don’t do this.” Tears escaped him, and he quickly wiped them away.
“Ellie, please. You know I didn’t mean it.
” He sucked in an unexpected gasp. I couldn’t look, so I closed my eyes.
“Please don’t do this. You know, Ellie. You know I didn’t mean it.
It’s me.” I shook my head. “Ellie, look at me.” I shook my head again.
“Please. Look at me.” The desperation in his tone opened my eyes.
His face was now streaked with tears, and every muscle in his body was tense. “It’s me.”
“Rory, you are the only person in the world who has the ability to destroy me. I would put my life in ruins for you. I would throw it all away. Please don’t ask me to.
I don’t want to. I’m happy. I’m right about myself here, and I need to be right about myself.
I need this.” I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around Rory, hugging him, not realizing what I was doing until I had already done it.
His forehead fell onto my shoulder, and his face buried into my neck. He folded his arms around my waist.
“I don’t want to lose you.” I felt his wet face against the skin of my neck.
“It shouldn’t have happened. You were right.” I wondered if he knew how difficult that was for me to say, or if he knew I didn’t believe it myself. My falling tears betrayed my words. I pushed them away, just like the rest of my feelings.
“I’m so sorry.” He struggled to catch his breath. “Please don’t go.”
I gently ran my fingers along the nape of Rory’s neck as we held each other.
I dipped my fingertips into his hair. I was totally present and fully aware that I’d likely never touch him like this again.
My heartbeat battered against my chest until it slowly transformed into a gentle knocking. “I’m already gone.”
Rory finally let out a quiet, shuddering sob into my shoulder.
“I think it’s good that you came. It helps us move past it.
” I moved out of his hold. He looked out into the distance, his gaze unfocused and vacant.
“I feel different here. I feel like a different person, and I think I like this me. Actually, I know I do.” I wiped away the last of my tears.
Rory exhaled deeply, trying to compose himself.
“Before anything else, we were friends,” I said quietly.
It was the same thing I had said to him on the night of his prom.
It took Rory some time to collect himself before he was finally able to choke out, “I miss you.” He blew out his breath, then brought his eyes back to mine and whispered, “Your turn.”
I bit my lip when I realized it was quivering, then forced myself to smile. “I’ll see you in there, okay?” I turned around and grabbed the railing to help steady me as I walked back up the stairs and into Key One Lounge.