Chapter 18
I WAS SITTING WITH THE GIRLS AT OUR TABLE NEXT TO THE BAR.
Zoe won Hannah and Kara over within minutes.
She had them bewildered when she told them about how her grandparents switched spouses when she was ten.
She had them crying, talking about her brother and how he died in a plane crash.
And she had them in hysterics when she told them she was in a handstand position the last time she had sex.
Every time Hannah or Kara shared one of their stories, Zoe’s emerald eyes were locked on them, listening intently and asking a thousand questions.
They all exchanged phone numbers, and I knew that our foursome was locked in.
Ben had gone for a walk around the block with Lucas. Blair, Cameron, and Jacob were huddled together at the bar, having shots. When Rory stepped through the front door, twenty minutes after me, he made his way to the guys, then leaned forward to get into the bartender’s line of sight.
Cameron whistled for Kara’s attention. He signaled to her quickly, asking if she wanted another drink. She nodded, then rose from our table to join the guys at the bar.
I overheard Blair ask, “How’d it go?” He passed Rory a beer that had already been ordered on his behalf.
Rory took a sip and turned his body, not answering the question. He leaned on his elbows, with his back to the bar.
“Is she with the roommate?” Cameron handed Kara a shot.
I kept my eyes shifting between the sticky circular table I was sitting at and the bar, trying not to get caught listening to their conversation.
“I think so.” Rory picked at his beer’s label.
Kara’s shoulders slumped sympathetically. “I hate to say it, but Ben’s great. I think you’d like him. I know you don’t want to hear that, but they’re good together.”
“What are you doing, Kare?” Cameron’s face pulled, then he turned back to his brother. “Don’t listen to her. I’m not counting you out yet, Rore.”
“Me, either. Put it all on the line. Do what you came here for.” Blair backed Cameron up and put his hand on Rory’s shoulder, squeezing it.
Rory kept his head down. He had peeled off most of the sticker with one clean rip. He balled it up and tossed it on the ground.
Ben came back into the bar with Lucas, and his face lit up to see me back at the table.
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Rory stretch his neck around to watch Ben silently communicating with me from afar.
Ben pointed at me, then gave me a subtle thumbs-up in one swift movement.
You okay? Rory’s head twisted to see my response, which was a slight nod.
Everyone sat around two round tables pushed together.
Hannah and Zoe flanked me on either side, and Ben and Rory both sat across from me, but next to each other.
As the night went on, the music, the talking, the laughing, the noise .
. . when it got loud enough that conversations were overlapping, Rory decided to break the ice.
He leaned toward Ben. “Hey. I’m sorry we crashed your party.”
Ben’s eyes flipped over to me quickly, checking my reaction. “All good. Happy to have you. You came a long way.”
I lowered my eyes, hoping they didn’t notice I was trying to listen. Did they notice everyone was pretending not to listen?
“So, what’s your place like?” Rory asked while taking a swig of his drink, trying to take the high road.
“It’s small and every cliché in the book. Within two weeks, we were both slapping cockroaches with our bare hands.”
“Ellie can be pretty tough when she needs to be,” Rory said.
“You have no idea.” Ben locked eyes with me.
I could see Rory recoil at the thought that he had “no idea” about something to do with me.
“In our Stage Combat class, she got a hard piece of lead paint wedged just under her fingernail. Our teacher tried to take it out with a needle. She almost passed out. I almost passed out. But it was stuck. We ended up going back to our apartment, where she filed off her entire nail from the top down to get it out.”
Rory’s eyes shot over to me. He was trying to temper his reaction, but I could tell the story jarred him, especially Ben’s use of the phrase our apartment.
“Anyway, that’s all to say . . . yeah, New York is incredible.
It’s also tough. But like you said, she’s tough, too.
” Ben leaned forward and rested his elbows on the table, creating a little more privacy.
“Obviously, I know about you, Rory, and I know you know nothing about me.” I lifted my head.
Rory’s stare secured onto mine as Ben continued.
“I’m sure you’re probably worried about her, but she’s okay.
” Ben cleared his throat. “I also know that she’s been yours for a long time, and I’m not here to take all that time away from you. ”
Rory’s jaw set, and his eyes hardened. He was unnerved by Ben’s confidence.
“Do you love her?” Rory asked, matching Ben’s boldness.
I saw Blair’s and Cameron’s eyes widen, even though they were supposed to be talking to Lucas. Kara and Hannah zeroed in on me, even though they were supposed to be talking to each other. And I heard Zoe accidentally say, “Oh shit,” when she was supposed to be talking to Jacob.
Ben looked over at me calmly. He knew I was listening.
“Yeah, I do. I love her.” Ben’s lips curved into the smallest of smiles, knowing I could hear him. “I don’t know if she loves me, though.”
I felt myself expand from my bones to my blood to my skin. My eyes turned from Ben to Rory, and I emptied into a vacuum of longing and regret. I regretted being with Rory, and being without him. And I longed for a life with Ben, and a life without him. I was perfectly split in two.
Rory’s gaze lifted to the ceiling as he swallowed, calming himself down. After an extended period, Rory lifted his beer bottle and tipped it toward Ben. Ben met his gesture and gave Rory’s bottle a tap. “I’m glad to meet you, too, Ben,” Rory finally said.
“Do you guys come here a lot?” Blair asked the table as loudly as possible, likely changing the conversation on purpose to steer it away from the two loves of my life.
“We travel around, but this bar is in the rotation. It’s not far from where I live.” Lucas tapped the tabletop and pushed his drink over to Hannah so she could give it a taste.
Blair pinched his mouth together with annoyance. Hannah looked back at Blair from over the drink with a flirty smile, leaving me wondering what the hell that look was about.
Lucas continued, oblivious to Hannah and Blair’s silent exchange. “Usually, we go to where Ben works.”
“That’s where we were last night.” Kara threw back her drink as if she were determined to win a competition. “It was the best. Ellie sang.”
“Sang? Cainey, I didn’t know you sing!” Blair gave a clipped laugh.
Rory’s eyes whipped over to me. He was disturbed. Apparently, he, too, didn’t know I sang.
“You guys have never heard her sing?” Jacob asked.
Blair and Cameron shook their heads.
“Haven’t you seen any of her plays?”
They shook their heads again.
“Seriously?”
Cameron decided to stop Jacob’s line of questioning. “No. She never invited us.” Cameron put his arm behind Rory’s chair protectively.
“You think she sent out handwritten invitations or something?” Jacob laughed, then finished off the rest of his whiskey.
Kara and Jacob had been seeing me in plays since I was a kid, and Hannah ran lines with me regularly.
Lucas, Zoe, and especially Ben were profoundly familiar with the performer in me.
The Campbells were the odd men out. I had been intimate with Rory.
But as I noticed his eyes glued to the table, I wondered if I could say that he knew me the most intimately when he didn’t know this side of me.
Rory had come with me to a couple of auditions over the years, but he never saw beyond the curtain.
He was never in the room. He never saw what happened when I lost myself inside a character or a song.
It was a piece of my insides exposed to the outside, and though it was never “real,” it was always real to me.
Onstage, I turned into a version of myself that only I knew.
I became every diary entry I ever wrote.
I drowned in every feeling I ever felt. The idea of the Campbells ever seeing me like that was unbearable; I would never survive it.
“All I’m saying is, you could have just gone.” Jacob twisted the knife.
Rory remained still, despondent. I could see Ben notice Rory’s unraveling.
“We’ve never seen her golf.” It was Ben’s turn to show grace. A small smile tugged on my lips in appreciation of the gesture.
“Don’t be too upset about that,” Blair piped up. “Hannah’s always been better. Cainey can hit the shit out of it, but she’s inconsistent, and her short game is garbage,” he teased me with a smile.
I laughed loudly. “Don’t ruin the illusion!”
“Rory’s the real golfer in the group. He’ll go pro,” Cameron jumped in proudly, pumping up his brother.
“Remember your black hat, Rory?” Kara slurred, and I felt a pinch of concern.
“How much have you had to drink, Kare?”
Hannah giggled. “Oh! Rory! I remember you always used to flip that hat around and wear it backward. The way your curly hair popped out . . . so super cute.”
Rory’s shy smile finally made an appearance. “Still have the hat, still wear it backward.”
“Still super cute,” Ben quipped.
It surprised Rory, and he let out a small laugh. For a flash, it looked like Rory could like Ben, then melancholy washed over him as that realization took hold.
“Didn’t you write a poem about that hat once, Ellie?” Kara tossed me a wink.
Cameron, Blair, Jacob, and Hannah all quietly chuckled as blood surged to my cheeks. Rory’s small smile dipped, and I hid my face in my drink.
“Jesus Christ.” I laughed uneasily. I looked over at Lucas, whose eyes were wide. I pointed at him. “Don’t you dare.”
All eyes shot to Lucas, and he covered his mouth giddily. He was bursting at the seams.
“Lucas, don’t!” Zoe squealed, but it was too late; she was already laughing, fully aware of what was about to happen.
“I have to,” he whispered excitedly. I started sliding down in my chair, trying to get myself under the table as fast as possible. “Ellie read that insane poem in our scene study class once as preparation for a scene.”
I went all the way under the table, humiliated, as everyone laughed, including Rory and Ben. Hannah grabbed my arm and pulled me back up.
“You weren’t there that day, Ben. It was wild. I’ve never laughed so hard in my life.” Lucas’s cocky grin was aimed in my direction.
“No, I know. I’ve read it, though. It’s in her diary.” Ben smiled at me from across the table.
“You’ve read Ellie’s diaries?!” Hannah roared.
The table got quiet again. Heat rose up the back of my neck.
Rory closed his eyes, pained. It was evident that in just six short months, Ben and I had already experienced a lot together.
I wasn’t sure Rory was expecting that. From Hannah’s stunned expression, I wasn’t sure anyone was expecting that.
“Ummm . . .” Ben smiled apprehensively. “Yes? But I wasn’t an asshole about it. She was there. She let me read them. She gave them to me.”
Hannah slowly turned her head to me, appearing shocked. “Wow . . .”
“So you know all about Rory, then,” Kara slurred, unable to stop herself.
“Kara,” Jacob warned his sister.
Rory’s demeanor changed instantaneously. He stiffened and stopped breathing.
“No, not everything. He hasn’t read everything.” I stepped in before Ben could answer. “There’s stuff that’s private.” I was surprised that I was able to respond, considering how difficult it was to find my voice.
She directed her drunken glare at Ben. “I’m warning you, Ben. Don’t you hurt her, too. Don’t fuck her then fuck her over at the exact same time.”
“Kara!” Cameron growled. He was more than upset. He was enraged.
Cameron leapt to his feet, hauled her up out of her seat, and took her away from us.
All the oxygen in the bar was sucked into oblivion. My soul emptied out entirely. I looked at Rory, and he looked back at me, expressionless. He appeared as hollowed out as I was.
Hannah dropped her face into her hands. Zoe’s mouth hung open in a silent gasp. Lucas’s eyes looked anywhere but at me. Blair’s hand went protectively to Rory’s shoulder. And Ben didn’t waste a second before standing up from the table.
“Want to get out of here?” Ben asked me directly.
“Yeah.” I stood, then walked out of the bar and didn’t look back.