23 #2
“At the time, all we could think about was how in love we were. There wasn’t anything life could throw at us that we couldn’t handle. Then three years in, Whitney mentioned wanting kids...”
We both lay there in silence. It wasn’t like I needed to finish that line of thought. Sable seemed to get what I meant because he hugged me a little tighter, letting me process.
After another few minutes, he propped himself on his elbow, looking down at me. “Is there a reason you don’t want kids?”
And we were back heading into territory I didn’t think we would go to that night.
How the hell did I tell him my reasoning without giving him all the sordid history?
No one really wanted to hear about all the abuse I’d endured as a child.
I’d been married to Whitney for nine years, still hadn’t told her the full extent of it.
She knew enough to know that I hated being around my dad, and constantly encouraged me to break away from his garage to start my own business.
The biggest problem with starting my own garage was knowing that my dad would try to do something to sabotage it…
But I was getting sidetracked.
“Being a parent just isn’t in the cards for me. There’s some... stuff in my life that just wouldn’t be ideal to bring a child into...” Was it cryptic as fuck? Probably. But it was enough to quell Sable’s curiosity.
“I get that. I don’t think I could ever do kids, either. Not with what I do for a living, anyway. There’s nothing shameful about being sex positive, but so many people have horrible opinions of it I wouldn’t want to put a kid through that.”
I nodded, humming in agreement. Sable didn’t elaborate further than that, but it was okay. It would be bullshit to expect him to give me more than what I was willing to hand out.
We fell back into silence for a few moments.
For the first time, it felt a little uncomfortable.
Like neither of us knew what to talk about next.
I hated not knowing how to fill the empty spaces.
If there’d been one thing I’d been good at in life, it was being able to talk to people.
It even worked well with being a mechanic.
I could talk people into getting all sorts of shit done to their car, even if they didn’t need it.
That was a skill I’d learned from my dad and wasn’t one I wasn’t proud of.
There were times when desperate measures were needed, especially when you were short on cash.
“Have you ever told me what you do for work?”
I laughed at the question because it was so normal. If we’d gone out on a traditional first date, maybe we would have been sitting at a table eating dinner, asking shit like that, but there we were lying naked in bed. It was all so damn absurd.
“I work on cars.”
Sable’s fingers were back to trailing across my chest. If he wasn’t careful, I would get hard again. Though maybe that was his aim. I wouldn’t object to having more fun with him, but he also looked exhausted. Sex wasn’t my goal when I came over.
“What kind of cars?” The question conveyed his curiosity—I sort of liked that he was interested in what I had to say.
“Anything. Though I have a preference for something older. Right now, I’m working on helping this guy restore this gorgeous original Mustang. It’s an honor to get to work on such a beauty.”
He laughed. “That sounds like such a dude thing to say.”
It made me laugh in return. “Maybe it’s stereotypical, but I’ve always loved working with my hands. My dad owns a garage. One day, I’m supposed to take it over, but the longer I work for him, the less I want to do that. I would rather start something of my own.”
“Why don’t you do that?”
We were back to treading into territory that I didn’t want to enter.
“It’s complicated.” I left it at that.
Sable let out a yawn before tightening the arm he had draped across my chest. We were quiet again. I was almost certain he’d fallen asleep when he suddenly spoke up again.
“Now that I’ve seen your home, I feel like my place is a joke. Like, how can you look at me and take me seriously at all?”
I kissed the top of his head. “You did this all by yourself? Right? I think that’s pretty amazing. What you have doesn’t define who you are.”
He sighed, his chest lifting and falling against me.
“It’s hard for me to tell people this, because people get so damn judgy, but I spent so much of my life homeless that I’m just thankful to have a roof over my head.”
Looking down at the man wrapped around me, I would never have guessed that he’d come from such a rough background.
Maybe it explained why he felt his only option was to sell himself.
People who lived on the streets often resorted to desperate measures in order to survive.
Sable was the spitting image of someone who’d overcome something so unimaginably difficult…
“I mean... it’s not like we lived on the streets in the strictest sense. My mom still had her car. We’d drive around all day when I wasn’t in school and she’d park in random places...”
Holy. Shit. He was actually telling me something significant. Any tiredness that had been floating on the edges before was long gone. I wanted to cling to anything he was willing to share.
“That doesn’t mean a car is a home. How did she get away with that?” The question tasted bitter on my tongue, and I understood all too well what he meant about people being judgmental. I wasn’t trying to be, but it was still coming out that way anyway.
His arm around me loosened just a little.
His words got a little softer. “She had her ways. As shitty a parent as she was, she was still a really pretty lady. Police officers aren’t always looking out for kids or the general public, and she got more than a few of them to turn a blind eye in exchange for sexual favors.
What can I say? I learned from the best.”
No child should ever have had to grow up like that. It only cemented in my mind further why it would be a mistake to bring more children into the world. There was just too much ugly out there. If I didn’t have to bring someone into that, I felt like it was doing my good deed.
“I think you’re a lot better than she was,” I said, but Sable didn’t respond.
His breathing had evened out. I lay there, wrapping my arms around him, pulling him in close.
This felt so damn different from the times I’d cuddled with Whitney.
This felt like I was connecting instead of just spending time with a friend.
I wanted to dig deeper, to learn all the nooks and crannies that made up Sable.
And maybe one day I’d earn his real name.