Chapter 7
7
A bout a half hour later, Liam and Remi came running to the car where Lia and I were listening to music, finishing my cookies, and not talking about it. Just how I preferred it to be. Consider all my feelings about tonight completely shoved down. Remi’s knuckles had several cuts on them, and his hand was obviously swollen. Liam was holding a bag of frozen peas that I assumed was supposed to be on Remi’s hand but somehow hadn’t made it there yet. As soon as Remi opened the driver’s seat door, I blurted out, “I don’t want to talk about it. I’m fine.”
He opened his mouth to say something but then closed it again and got into the car, looking unhappy about my request but resigned to respect it. He turned the car on and then took the peas from Liam and laid them over his hand. I wanted to ask him how his hand was, but I had just announced that we were not talking about it, and I wasn’t going to disrespect my own rule. As a result, the car remained silent as Remi drove until Liam said, “Drop us off first and then drop Shaen off so you can…” His voice trailed off as I shot him the stink eye. “Make sure she gets home safe. Jesus, Shaen, don’t pinch me!”
“You squeal like a girl,” I retorted, and everyone laughed. The energy in the car shifted, and Remi turned up the music. As we got closer to Liam’s neighborhood, I noticed that Liam’s phone lit up with a text, and he leaned closer to Remi and muttered, “All taken care of.”
To which Remi nodded and then purposefully didn’t look at me.
“Good night, my loves,” Lia sang as Liam led her across the grass to the door by the garage so they could hopefully sneak in without waking up the whole house. She was holding an overnight bag as they had clearly planned a sleepover. Remi waited for them to get inside, but he didn’t pull out of the driveway until Liam came back outside with a black bag and handed it to Remi. He then came around the car to my side with an ice pack and handed it to me, simply saying, “For your face.” And he walked away. He knew me well enough that when I said I was fine, he just let it be and didn’t push.
“Good night,” I called out from the open window. He lifted his hand up and waved but didn’t turn back around. I held the ice to my sore face as Remi began driving back to my place.
“So, we’re a mess.” I broke the silence jokingly. “Broken hand, broken face…”
“It’s not broken,” Remi said gruffly, moving his fingers under his bag of peas. “It’s just bruised.”
“Okay, that’s good,” I said brightly. “It was a fun party. We should…”
“Can you cut the shit, Shaen?” His voice sounded angry. “Don’t do this with me. I get it if you want to be strong in front of everyone else, but now you don’t have to. It’s just me.” He looked over at me as we turned into my building’s parking lot, and I saw the pain and anger in his eyes. I swallowed the lump that had risen up in my throat and retorted with my best defense mechanism: pushing people away.
“I know you think you’re special somehow because we had a moment yesterday, but you’re not closer to me than the rest of them are. Okay? So don’t act like you know me better than my other friends because they knew not to force me to talk about it when I didn’t want to. Just stop. Thanks for the ride, but I’ve got it from here.” I grabbed my backpack and went to open the door. I heard the lock click in place. I spun around and demanded, “Open the door, Remi.”
“No. Not until you listen.” He was so quiet, and that was making me madder.
“What the fuck?” I spat at him. “We literally kissed like two times. You can’t tell me what to do.”
“You called me your man.” He was looking at me intently now.
“Yeah, and so what? I said what I needed to say to show that piece of shit that he didn’t scare me,” I shouted back at him. “It didn’t mean anything!” That’s when tears began to roll down my cheeks. Tears that I was absolutely horrified were happening.
“It meant something to me,” Remi uttered, the vulnerability of his words were clear on his face. I sniffed angrily, wiping the tears off my face. “I know that you feel like we barely know each other, but I really hope that’s not true. Because I know you. I’ve been getting to know you for the last ten months. I know that you keep your feelings buried and don’t let a lot of people in. I know that you love to read and that dirty books are your favorite genre. I know that you love animals. I know that you are an amazing and loyal friend. I know that when you laugh hard enough, sometimes you snort.”
I took offense to that one, but I started to laugh, which made the tears dry up faster, and the worried look on Remi’s face begin to go away.
“I know that your favorite color for your nails is blue, and I know that your favorite drink from Starbucks is an iced vanilla chai tea latte with sweet cream foam.”
My eyes widened at that one because that was such a sweet little detail for him to have remembered.
“And maybe those aren’t enough things about you to really know the real you, but it makes me want to get to know the real you. Because the parts of you that I do know, I really, really like. And I know you have gone through some shit and are working through it, but so have I, and I get you, I understand you, I want to protect you, and I know it’s kind of fast but I really want to be your man if you’ll have me.”
I felt all of the stress melt out of my body as I listened to him. I had been so alone for so long that I didn’t really know what it was like to have someone take care of me. I had my friends, sure, but this man was barging right through the walls I had built around myself, so to speak, and was asking for a chance to know the truest form of me.
“So, be my man like you’re my boyfriend or what…?” My voice sounded tentative and a little hoarse from all the yelling and singing I had done today.
“Yes, baby, I want you to be my girlfriend if that’s okay.” He smiled at me but didn’t make a move to touch me. After a few minutes of silence with me thinking and him watching me, I said, “I guess that would be okay.”
He grinned, but I put a finger on his lips to shush him.
“But no sex. I am not changing my mind about that.”
“But other stuff is on the table?” He appeared his age with that question, and it made me laugh.
“Yes, other stuff is on the table.”
“I can handle the no-sex thing until you tell me you’re ready.” He looked so serious that I had to lean over and kiss him quickly on the mouth. He seemed mollified by that and then informed me that his peas were melting so we should go inside, and I agreed.
The only sign that my mother had been home was an empty bottle of orange juice in the small recycling bin, and the light above the oven had been left on.
“Are you hungry?” I asked Remi as I poured us both a glass of water.
“No. I’m too tired to be hungry.” He took the water and drank it down in three gulps. I filled it up again and then led him to my room.
“Can I sleep here?” he asked as I pulled a pair of pajamas out of my drawer.
“I thought we already decided that you were when Liam gave you clothes for tomorrow,” I teased him. He laughed.
“If it helps, I was just hopeful, but I didn’t assume anything.” He pulled off his tank top and rummaged through his bag for something.
“Well, I’m glad you did,” I told him as I left the room to go shower the day off of me. When I opened the shower curtain, he was standing there shaving over the sink.
“You better clean that up real good, or my mom will definitely know I had a grizzly in here.” I poked him teasingly.
“And don’t shave off too much, I always liked a little scruff.”
He looked at me in the mirror.
“Oh yeah. Why’s that?”
“You’ll see.” I grinned and left the room. I may not have ever done it yet, but I certainly read enough books where the girl really liked the extra scruff on the guy’s face when it was between her legs and his mouth was on her. I hoped one day I would know what that was like for myself.
I had turned the light off and was already in bed by the time Remi came back into the room and crawled in next to me.
“Today feels like it was freaking seventy-two hours long.” I yawned. “I’m glad there is no school tomorrow.”
He stiffened next to me.
“Won’t that mean your mom will be home?”
“Nah, she works another job on the weekends that she sleeps at. She’s honestly rarely home.” I felt my eyes closing, and I reached for his hand so I could touch him as I drifted off.
“Oh, okay. So we can play house tomorrow, girlfriend?” he asked jokingly.
“We can definitely play house tomorrow, boyfriend.” I could feel how happy he was with that response, and as I drifted off to sleep, I thought, so this is what safety feels like.