Chapter 11
11
I ached in such a blissful way, and as I straddled the place of being fully awake and fully asleep, I wondered why I felt so relaxed until reality smacked me in the face like the bitch she was. All the orgasms! Remi! I ran my hand over the other side of my bed and came up empty. I turned over and saw that he wasn’t there. I peeked under the blanket. Yup, I was still stark naked. I wondered if he was in the shower, so I jumped out of bed, but I found the bathroom empty too. In fact, the whole apartment was dark. No one was here but me. I trudged back to the bathroom feeling a little abandoned and started the shower because I could still feel the sticky sweat that had dried on me and the smell of sex that lingered on my body. Well, maybe not sex, but whatever described the place that we had gone to last night. Or, rather, the place that I had gone to. I flushed, remembering that I had been greedy with my orgasms, and he hadn’t even had one. I took the time to fully shave my whole body, and then once I got out, I moisturized as well. Then, I chose a vintage button-down shirt that I had just gotten at the thrift store. It had a maroon and gray paisley print on it, and I tucked just the front of it into a pair of washed-out jeans and left a few of the top buttons undone. As I did my hair and makeup, I wondered why my phone was so quiet. Actually, I didn’t even know what time it was. It was then that I discovered that my phone was nowhere to be found; my plug hung empty on my night table. After a little bit of panic and a lot of searching, I found my phone under my bed, dead.
“Fuck!” I quickly plugged it in, and as it turned on, a flood of messages from last night came in. I was happy to find that it was only six forty-five. I was so grateful that my body had woken me up early because I could have just kept sleeping without my alarm on to wake me up. I opened up my message app.
REMI
I can’t find your phone or pen and paper and I don’t want to wake you but I have to leave.
That had been sent at 12:33 a.m., so he had only slept next to me for a few hours. What happened? Why did he have to go? I opened up the group chat, hoping to get more answers.
LIA
@remi where is Shaen? I keep calling her but it goes straight to voicemail
REMI
she’s sleeping. I don’t know where her phone is. @liam did she leave it by you?
LIAM
I don’t see it here
LIA
why is she sleeping at 11:30??
CARTER
you know why he wore her out *tongue out laughing emoji*
LIA
if she wakes up soon tell her to call me
REMI
k
Then at 12:30 a.m., Remi had sent:
REMI
guys my grandfather just had a stroke. I have to leave. If you don’t hear from Shaen by 7 am can one of you go check on her? Her alarm won’t be on cuz I can’t find her ducking phone
REMI
fucking. FUCK
LIAM
shit. take my car bro. I’ll take care of Shaen.
Remi didn’t answer until 3:30 a.m. when he said:
REMI
thank you. He didn’t make it
What?? My heart skipped a beat. It must be his father’s father because if it had been the grandfather he and Liam shared, then Liam and his mother would have also gone. I texted the chat with shaky fingers.
SHAEN
I found my phone.
LIAM
I’m picking u up in my moms car. Eta 7:20. U ready?
SHAEN
Ya. Thank you
Then I messaged Remi privately.
SHAEN
I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry. If you need me I’m here.
He didn’t respond.
Liam looked tired as I got into his car. Lia wasn’t there. I assumed she had another doctor’s appointment. She had Lyme disease and saw a lot of holistic doctors to try to heal it naturally.
“What the hell is going on?” I asked.
“The funeral is on Thursday. You coming?” Liam didn’t answer my question but provided me with the info that I wanted.
“I mean… do you think he’ll want me there?” I was holding a protein shake for breakfast, but I couldn’t even stomach a sip. I felt so anxious and also so sad for Remi. Liam looked at me.
“Uh, yeah, I’m sure he’ll want you there.”
“We literally have only been doing whatever it is that we’re doing for like three days. Maybe it’s too much.”
“Shaen, he’s liked you since last year when he met you at my mom’s grand opening party,” Liam corrected me. I was shocked to hear this. Last summer, Julia opened up a second location for her injections and aesthetics spa, and she threw a big grand opening party. Liam’s aunt and cousin came, and I remember thinking how hot the cousin was. We had barely spoken, although Liam had introduced me as his best friend, and Remi had said, “Nice to meet you, Shaen,” while shaking my hand. Then, later on, I had been getting a water from the open bar, and he had been standing behind me waiting to order a drink. When I turned around to walk away, I tripped, and some water spilled from my glass and had gotten on his shirt. I was so mortified and kept apologizing, and he just said, “It’s really fine. Don’t worry about it.”
That was the only interaction we had. I wasn’t sure how that had made enough of an impression on him for Liam to confidently say he had liked me since then, but maybe what was happening between us now wasn’t as sudden and out of left field as I had originally thought, at least not for him.
“If you want to come, let me know. We’ll drive in on Wednesday night, and we’ll leave on Thursday after the funeral, so we only miss one day of school. My mom will talk to the school so we can reschedule our global final.” Liam parked in the student parking lot and shut off the car.
“Okay, I’ll let you know by lunch.” I took my backpack and my phone, which was attached to a portable charger since it was still only at twenty percent.
“Okay, babe. Listen, I know it’s only been a few days, but don’t underestimate how quickly you can mean something to someone. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is be there for them when they need it. ‘kay?” Liam gave me a quick hug, and we went our separate ways.
I could not focus on anything my teachers were saying. I just kept sneaking looks at my phone to see if Remi had answered me. I was scared of how big my feelings were already becoming for him. I was anxious because I missed him, and it had only been a few days of us being together. I worried that maybe his grief would push us apart. I didn’t want to be a burden to him either. I wanted to be there for him. I wanted to be with him. I didn’t know how to navigate this, not only because I had never been in a relationship before but because I also had never experienced the natural, normal course of life in which grief happened. I had no idea who my father was, so I was born missing an entire family and a guiding paternal energy in my upbringing. My mother had no siblings, and her father passed when I was too little to remember him. Her mother had stopped visiting when I was about ten or eleven. She had not been loving or kind, so losing her from my life literally meant nothing other than another person not being around. I honestly didn’t feel like I knew how to be loved properly, but I desperately wanted to. And I wanted to give it in return. I knew we weren’t there yet, not even close, but I already knew I was in too deep not to go to the funeral with Liam. That much I knew.
I was spending my free period alone in the library when my phone finally buzzed, and Remi’s name showed up on my screen. My heart literally double-tapped inside my chest; mainly because I was so worried about how he was holding up but also because I missed talking to him.
REMI
Shaen?
SHAEN
hi
REMI
are you in class?
SHAEN
no I have a free period now
REMI
k
REMI
I’m sorry I left you
SHAEN
please don’t be. How are you?
REMI
typing…
I waited a good five minutes, watching the little blue bubbles popping up and then going away as if he didn’t know what to say.
SHAEN
It’s ok if you’re not ok. And it’s ok if you don’t want to talk about it. I’m here either way
REMI
I miss you
REMI
I don’t want to ask but I’m asking: can you come here?
SHAEN
I’m driving in Wednesday night with Liam
REMI
if I sent a car would you come today?
REMI
i hate being here and being here for this makes it worse and being here for this without you makes it so much worse. I sound crazy. I know we just started going out…
REMI
hey. I don’t want to make this complicated im just exhausted I don’t even know what I’m saying
I felt the overwhelming need to cry for him. Vulnerable Remi was not something I had seen, even when we were just navigating being in the same friend group. And other than that one night when he drank at my house, he always seemed happy, sure of himself, confident, and strong. Yet here I was, getting a glimpse of a very different side of him. Sure, it was being brought out by his exhaustion and his grief, but he was turning to me instead of shutting me out and bearing it alone, and I wanted to hold onto that.
SHAEN
what do you mean send a car?
REMI
im sorry babe that was a lot. My dad is stressing me out so much. It’s too much to ask of you. They won’t even let us stay in the same room if you come
SHAEN
so I’ll stay in the guest room
He didn’t answer for fifteen minutes.
REMI
voice note
I turned the volume of my phone down really low and listened to it.
REMI
“I’m coming back to you. I’m in the car already. I don’t know why I’m still here if he’s dead already, and all my father is doing is verbally harassing me. The funeral is on Thursday, so I told them that I have school and I’ll come back with you guys on Wednesday night. I’m an hour away. I’ll pick you up from school. Okay?”
His “okay” sounded so tired and broken. It felt like his grandfather had meant a lot to him, and I was hoping he would tell me more about him eventually. I couldn’t send a voice note back because I was in the library, so I sent him a quick “okay” back with a heart emoji.
During my last class of the day, I sent a text to update Liam, letting him know that Remi was coming back and would be getting me from school. At lunch, I told him that I would be joining his family for the funeral, and this turn of events really solidified my decision. The second the bell rang, I jumped up from my seat and ran to my locker to shove my books inside and put my study guide into my backpack so I could study for finals. When? I wasn’t sure, but sometime or other, I would squeeze it in. Earlier, I had gathered up all of Remi’s work from his teachers, and I put that in my backpack as well. When I got outside, I saw that Remi was waiting for me in his car parked behind the bus zone. He was looking down at his phone; his hair was messy, his face was kind of pale, and he looked tired. I knocked gently on the window on the driver’s side, and he looked up, startled. When he saw it was me, he opened the door and got out of the car. I got up on my tippy toes and tried to wrap as much of him up in my arms as I could. He buried his face in my shoulder, and I could feel him heaving with silent sobs. I ran my hand up and down his back, trying to be soothing and comforting.
“I’m sorry,” I heard him whisper after about ten minutes of us standing near his car. When he straightened up, I saw that his eyes were red and his lashes were wet.
“Don’t be sorry for that. Ever,” I said firmly.
“I think I got snot on your shirt,” he said once we were both in the car.
“I’ll get a new shirt.” I held his gaze, trying to will him to believe that I didn’t care and I was here to support him.
“Okay.” His voice sounded hoarse. I reached for his hand as he started driving. He held on tight, his thumb making circles on my hand. “I need to go home first.”
“Okay.”
He gave me a soft smile. “I missed you.”
“It’s been like twelve hours,” I teased.
“I missed you for all twelve of them.” He smiled, too, but he sounded so serious. “Is that coming on too strong?” He sounded worried. “It probably is, but even though my grandfather was eighty-two, it feels like, in the scheme of things, life is super short, and I really hate wasting that precious time pretending I’m not as into you as I am.” He looked over at me. “Do not laugh at me for going all soft on you. I’ll replenish my manliness on Friday.” He laughed softly at himself, and I squeezed his hand.
“You’re not less manly to me because you have feelings,” I told him. “And to be honest, I was kinda freaked out at how much I missed you today too. It feels so fast, but I guess if it’s right… it’s right.”
He nodded. “Wait, you were freaked out? Like good or bad?”
“Not bad. It was just weird ‘cause I’m so used to doing things on my own, and suddenly, out of the blue, I’m wondering why you’re not in my bed or sad that you’re not in school…” I explained.
“Yeah, last night was a bit crazy. I was trying to study for a test while you slept, and suddenly, my mom called, which really freaked me out because it was the middle of the night. And she told me that my father had run to the hospital, and I needed to come home.” A weird look crossed over his face, but he didn’t say anything further. I chose to stay in the car while Remi ran in to get his school stuff and more clothes for tonight and tomorrow. Suddenly, it dawned on me that my mother would be home when we got there. Well fuck. I thought about telling Remi that we should just stay at his place so we could avoid her, but I wasn’t sure what Julia would think of that. I knew that Lia slept over pretty often, but I felt like I didn’t want to disappoint Julia, which made no sense because I knew how much Julia liked me. After mulling over both options, I decided to go home, and if my mother wasn’t happy about it, I would let her know what was what. She had never given me any rules before, and I wasn’t going to let her start now. My phone buzzed, and the group chat was active again now that class was out.
LIA
We love you Remi
EVA
yes! We’re so sorry Rem *heart emoji*
CARTER
here for you man
DEE
Remi let us know what you need
RACHEL
so sorry to hear Remi. We’ll see you on Thursday
LIAM
I have my moms car so use the jeep as long as you need. We got you cuz
REMI
love you guys too
I hearted his message before I could overthink it. The words love you were practically vibrating in my mind when Remi came back to the car.
“Do you have your license on you?” he asked as he put an overnight bag and his backpack in the backseat.
“Yup.” I showed it to him.
“Can you drive? I’m beat,” he asked, coming around to the passenger’s side and opening my door.
“Ummmm.” I really had so few hours driving that I was scared I’d majorly fuck this up. Remi put his hands on either side of my face and leaned in to kiss me gently on the lips.
“Hi,” he whispered.
“Hi,” I whispered back.
“You can do this,” he encouraged me. I sighed and crawled over to the driver’s seat. Remi made fun of how much I had to move the seat up.
“I’m not even that short; honestly, you’re just absurdly tall.” I joked back at him as I anxiously left the driveway.
“Okay, pixie.” He always seemed to be slightly amused at how tiny I was next to him.
By the time we got to my parking lot, Remi was looking like he regretted giving me the keys.
“I’m pretty sure you went ninety all the way here.”
I laughed. “I can’t drive slow. It’s boring.”
“Stop signs are not suggestions, babe.” He took the keys out of my hands, shaking his head, pretending to be annoyed.
“Hey, I stopped!” I protested.
“Yeah, for like three seconds.” He took my bag with his and reached for my hand as we started up the stairs.
“Why do I need to stop longer when it’s clearly an empty street? It makes no sense.” I felt strongly about that.
“Okay, note to self, my girlfriend is a menace on the streets,” Remi said, tucking the keys into his pocket.
I tingled at the word girlfriend. Then I poked him in the ribs.
“I am not a menace.”
“A tiny pixie menace,” he insisted. We were cracking up as I unlocked the door, but I instantly sobered as we walked inside my apartment because my mother’s moans were clear as could be coming from her bedroom where her door stood open.
“Holy fuck.” My face instantly heated, and I froze. Remi quickly shut the door and ushered us into my room, where he locked the door and immediately pressed play on a playlist on his phone.
“Remi!” I hissed. “Turn it off. She’ll know I’m here.”
“That’s the point.” He looked pissed. “Listen, I don’t really understand it, but the only acceptable excuse she has for being an absentee mother is that she’s a single mom and she works a lot, and you’re eighteen… but this? This is not okay. She knows you come home now! This is just not cool. And her door is open! She didn’t even try to be appropriately discreet.”
I went over to him and hugged him so hard that he bent down and placed a kiss on my head.
“I have never had someone care about me like you do,” I mumbled into his shirt.
“What?” He didn’t understand me, so instead, I just said, “I said thank you for caring.”
The noise had stopped, and then we heard a man’s voice laughing, the water in the bathroom turn on, and then the toilet flushing. A few moments later, someone rapped on my bedroom door, so Remi turned off the music. I stood up to crack my door open, and he got right behind me. My mother stood there in her slightly gaping bathrobe. Her hair was a mess, and her makeup was smudged. She was beautiful, but she was bitter, and it showed.
“Lost track of time, sorry,” she said begrudgingly, as if I purposefully ruined her little romp in the sheets. “Who are you?” She motioned to Remi.
“This is Remi. We’re studying for finals, and then he’s sleeping over, so if you order dinner, get enough for him too. Also, I’ll be going with him on Wednesday to his hometown for his grandfather’s funeral, so I won’t be home till Thursday night,” I snapped. I was usually overly forgiving with my mother, but seeing the situation through Remi’s eyes was suddenly giving me a backbone. I felt Remi’s hand on my lower back as if to say, I’m here.
My mother blinked at me, and then she reached up to pull her robe closed a little bit more.
“I’m Amy.” She didn’t smile, but she did introduce herself. “I’m sorry about your grandfather…” Her voice trailed off.
“Thanks,” Remi replied tersely. She blinked again, then turned away.
“I’m ordering Taco Bell. I’ll text you when it’s here.”
I heard the faceless man from her room calling her name and her saying to hold on, that she needed to order food. I closed the door and let out the breath I had been holding.
“Are you okay?” Remi sat down next to me on my bed. I nodded but then shook my head.
“She didn’t even care enough to tell me that you couldn’t sleep over,” I whispered, as the lump in my throat grew, threatening to choke me. Remi side-hugged me.
“I’m sorry.”
“No, I’m sorry you had to hear any of that; she’s so embarrassing.” I sniffled. He laid down with his head in my lap, his body across the rest of the bed, hands resting on his stomach.
“Wait till you meet my dad.” He closed his eyes and fell asleep almost immediately. I put a soft throw blanket on top of him. It didn’t cover all of him, but I tried. I heard him make a soft snore, and I loved that I was a safe enough place for him to just pass out like that.
Half an hour later, my mother texted me that the Taco Bell bag was by my door. When I tried to sneak my body out from under Remi’s head, he woke up looking disoriented.
“I’m here, baby,” I told him softly, running my hands through his hair.
“Aw.” His eyes met mine. “You called me baby.”
“I haven’t said that before?” I looked confused.
“No, ma’am. I would have remembered if you did.” He leaned up and caught my mouth in his. We kissed Spider-Man fashion until his stomach grumbled. He chuckled.
“Sorry.”
I got off the bed and retrieved the food. We ate, sitting on my floor, talking and listening to music. I felt like I had known him forever at this point. He had filled a space in my life that I couldn’t imagine being empty again. The best part was I felt so comfortable being myself that I didn’t keep feeling like I had to stuff my feelings down and fake it. He had even met my mother, whom I had never introduced to my friends before. I licked my fingers as I took the last bite of my taco bowl.
“Good?” he asked, his eyes on my mouth.
“Good,” I confirmed. “I’m gonna get changed, and then we’ll study?”
“Let’s do it.” His phone rang, but he silenced it almost immediately. I didn’t ask questions. Instead, I took off the clothes I had worn to school and pulled on my oversized T-shirt with a picture of Rip from Yellowstone on it.
“A Rip fan, I see?” He cocked an eyebrow.
“Well, since you’re my Rip now, get me a shirt with your face on it, and I’ll wear it,” I joked.
“Will do.” He seemed serious, which made me laugh. We got back on the bed after Remi put on a tank top and basketball shorts, and we started studying for our tests. He helped me memorize vocabulary flashcards, and I tested him for his science exam. An hour later, he yawned.
“I’m running on empty, babe.”
“Let’s go to sleep.” I cleaned up our school stuff, and we took turns getting ready for bed in the bathroom. I could hear the TV on in my mother’s room, but it didn’t do much to hide the sound of her mattress springs creaking. I guess she was trying harder to mask it. I’d give her that.
As we got into bed, Remi buried his head in my shoulder. He smelled like a mix of Remi and mint toothpaste.
“He was more of a dad to me than my real dad,” I heard him murmur against my skin. I didn’t say anything. I just gave him space to talk.
“When my dad would go on and on in his Sunday sermons, my Pops would play hangman with me on the back of the church schedule.” I could feel him smile against me. “We would go fishing and hiking every summer until his hip went out. He loved Starbucks shaken espressos, and even when his nurse said he couldn’t have them anymore because of his blood pressure, he still made me sneak them in for him.” Remi made a noise that sounded like a mix of a laugh and a sob. I felt a tear fall onto my arm, and then Remi’s fingers quickly wiped it away. “I’d driven up to visit him six times since I moved here in September, but I feel bad that it wasn’t more.” His voice went hoarse. My throat burned with unshed tears for him and his obvious pain.
“I’m sure he knew you loved him so, so much.” I rubbed the back of his neck, and his arms tightened around me.
“When I heard that he had a stroke, my brain immediately thought that maybe God was punishing me for… doing what I, we… what I did. I know I don’t really believe that jerking off is a sin, but I still can’t stop myself from thinking that maybe...”
The pain of the trauma he was holding onto was palpable. I took a deep breath and asked, “Do you still believe in God, Remi?”
He hesitated. “N-no. I don’t think so.” He sounded unsure.
“Okay, well, let’s just say for argument’s sake that there is one.” I didn’t believe in God myself and had never been religious, but I was trying to be very understanding and I wanted to use examples that he could relate to. “Do you think this hypothetical being that created you loves you or wants to hurt you?”
“Loves me?” he responded like it was a question.
“Okay, so say he’s an all-encompassing love. Do you think he or she would punish you for finding happiness? For making your girlfriend feel so cared for and safe? For doing something every healthy man does? Having a relationship with yourself and self-pleasure is actually very important mentally and physically. And if there is a God out there, then he wouldn’t be very loving if he took your grandfather as a punishment for an orgasm.” I was out of breath by the time I finished my little speech. Remi was looking up at me with so much emotion in his overflowing eyes that I felt my eyes well up too.
“Don’t cry, baby,” he whispered, wiping them off my cheeks.
“And if there is no God…” I hiccupped. “Then this is just the natural way the circle of life goes. Honestly, I prefer to think that I am not at the mercy of an angry man in the sky, but rather, I, myself, am a representation of happiness. I am love, I am peace, I am goodness. I don’t need a book or a God to tell me how to be those things. I am self-actualizing. I am not a sinner; I am whole, and I have nothing to prove. And I believe that neither do you, no matter what you were raised to believe. Your beliefs can change, and as they do, you no longer have to believe that the universe is conspiring to punish you for being human.” I patted his chest, and he caught my hand in both of his and held it over his rapidly beating heart.
“I think I could love you one day, Shaen,” he said, his voice sounding deep and husky. My heart fluttered.
“I think I could love you one day too,” I whispered. His mouth found mine, and we held onto each other, murmuring little thoughts and comforting words until we fell asleep, my cheek on Remi’s chest, his hand in my hair.
This is what healing feels like.