Chapter 34
Astrid
And there went another sleepless night without Theo by my side.
I honestly didn’t know if I’d ever sleep again at this point. All I did last night was stare aimlessly at the ceiling for hours on end. I’d tried meditation, I’d tried calming music, I’d even tried warm milk, but I had a funny feeling that it wasn’t the usual kind of insomnia. Every time I closed my eyes my mind flashed back to those memories from my diary. Why did I have to write that stupid fucking diary, why couldn’t I have just written my piece in anger, symbolically burn it, and then move on. Just to sabotage myself even further, I took the diary up to bed with me last night. I ended up getting so pissed off that I tore it up and threw all the shreds of paper out of the window. Then I was pissed at myself for littering, I couldn’t win.
The more I read and re-read, the more I started to realise that maybe I was the problem. Theo made mistakes, sure. But did they really warrant that level of anger from me? I was beginning to think not. He was only downstairs, but he felt light years away from me. I tossed and turned, his stupid handsome face engulfing my mind. I was worried for the state of my mental health at this point, it truly felt like I’d lost everything. I mean, I had. I’d lost myself, figuratively and literally, and had no idea if I’d ever get back. I’d lost the most important person in my life, I’d practically lost my job, my friend, and I’d basically lost my parents too because if Theo and I moved out and we continued to stay like this, I’d never get to talk to them again. Never over the phone or face-to-face anyway. Everything was so fucked. I stormed out of bed and in a state of despair, I swiped all the books from my bookshelf, falling onto the floor in a massive heap. I kicked the bed so hard that I stubbed my toe, the stinging pain immediately zinging through my leg, and that made me really mad then. I didn’t even want to bother going to Theo’s work today. What was the point? But I knew that I’d likely have to suck it up unless I wanted to add crippling debts to our endless list of problems as well.
Dragging my feet along the floor like an angsty teen, I trudge over to the wardrobe to grab some clothes. I was so sick and tired of dressing like a man. I loved expressing myself through fashion, and that was made practically impossible when all Theo had was about 2 bland shirts, and 2 pairs of equally bland trousers for work. He had an array of graphic T-shirts, but I could hardly wear a bloody Freddy Kruger top and jeans to the workplace.
A sudden shiver ripples through me, it was obviously cooler today. I check the weather app on my phone, 3 degrees , wonderful. Where were Theo’s jumpers when you needed them? Did the man even own any warm clothes?
Scrabbling through the absolute pit of clothes, I find nothing even remotely warm. I sigh. I know I could just bring a coat, but that office was freezing, and apparently Nicholas Horton is a cheapskate when it comes to putting the heating on. Nice to know his millionaire boss would rather let his employees die of frostbite than spend a few extra quid. There must be something in here. I end up climbing into the wardrobe like I’m trying to find my way to Narnia, when... Aha! My hand brushes something warm and fuzzy. Pulling it out from the very back of the wardrobe, I finally struck gold, a jumper! I pop the grey crewneck over my head, pull on the black trousers, and I’m just about to shut the wardrobe when I spot a plastic bag at the very top. The jumpers must have hidden it. Not that I planned to nose through Theo’s belongings, but a plastic bag at the back of a wardrobe that looks almost purposefully hidden, seems a bit suspect. What if he’s a secret psychopath who’s hiding a body part from the dark web or something? I let out a laugh at the stupid thought. Shaking my head, I reach for the bag and look inside.
What ?
There’s nothing but a Navy, small, velvet box.
I take it out of the bag and immediately open it. My stomach somersaults and my breath becomes rapid as I stare in shock at what’s in front of me.
…A dainty, silver, diamond. Oh my god, had Theo been planning on proposing?
Just like in a movie where the character gains some sort of magical hindsight and everything suddenly clicks into place, the realisation instantly dawns. That night at the light spectacle. He was acting jittery all night and I did nothing but constantly question and berate him for it. He didn’t spill his drink over me because he was clumsy, he did it because he was obviously trying to get the ring out of his pocket without me knowing. When I kept interrogating him about why he was so nervous, no wonder he didn’t give an answer. He was nervous because he was going to propose. If I thought I felt bad before, that feeling was tenfold right now. What an incredibly romantic idea. Christmas Eve, in front of that gorgeous, illuminated chandelier, just the two of us…and I ruined it. I’m a twat.
I bite my cheeks to stop the tears from flowing. No wonder he reacted so badly to the diary. I dread to think how it must have felt for him reading all of that. He’d been planning on proposing, and I’d been planning on breaking up with him in the very same month. All because of a few misunderstandings. If anyone was the real fucking loser here, it was me. I’d let my emotions take control of me like a demon to a host. I didn’t think things through rationally, going from 0-100, as I always did. This explained fully why he couldn’t seem to let this go, and decided to give up trying. He was defeated, and I’d honestly say that I couldn’t blame him. I wouldn’t want to be with me either after everything I’d put him through.
What the hell was I supposed to do now? All those times where I believed he didn’t love me anymore, all those times where I felt like he didn’t even like me half the time, were completely misjudged. I was his forever, and I didn’t realise it. Did I even give him the chance to? Granted, after writing that idiotic diary, not once did I even think to discuss my problems with him. I expected him to somehow read my mind and gauge how I was feeling like some insightful, emotional wizard, and that wasn’t fair. This, all of this, was nothing but a lack of communication. I couldn’t help but wonder that if I’d just sat down with him at the time and explained how I was feeling, things could have changed and we might not have found ourselves in the situation that we were now. Maybe we’d be happily engaged, or even married. I couldn’t stop thinking that that period of time was like the catalyst for all the shit we’ve been through now. I’m not saying it would have been sunshine and roses, it’s natural for couple’s to disagree now and again, but at least it might not have led to a war. I wipe the tears with the sleeve of Theo’s jumper and quickly put the ring back in the bag, and shove it back in the back of the cupboard, hiding the evidence. I didn’t know what I was going to do with this piece of information. I knew that I had to talk to him about it, but I didn’t want him getting angry at the prospect of me rummaging through all of his stuff. The last thing I needed was to hurt him any further. Rubbing my eyes, I shut the wardrobe door, grab Theo’s work bag and head downstairs, (the beauty of being able to roll out of bed and not spend forty minutes doing my makeup and hair), I tiptoed to the living room and peered round the corner. He was sound asleep on the sofa, God knows how. I was short, but even my limbs still seemed to hang off the edge. I’d say that I was surprised that he didn’t wake up with the sound of me trashing the room with my own books, but he was the sort of person who could likely sleep through the apocalypse undisturbed.
Creeping into the room, I edge over to him. Over a month ago, seeing myself sleep would cause me to blackout, but now, even though it was my body, all I saw was him. “I’m so sorry for everything.” I whisper, before planting a gentle kiss on his forehead. I knew he couldn’t hear me, but that didn’t matter, because from now on, loving him silently might be all I had.
◆◆◆
“Feeling better mate?” Lucas says, taking a swig of his tea.
“Huh?” I reply, completely forgetting that I was supposed to be ‘off sick’ the past few days.
His forehead etches into a confused ‘V’ shape, before I quickly butt in, “Uh, I mean yeah- didn’t want to risk giving you guys anything that was all.”
Brandon flashes me a knowing smirk over the cubicle before resuming typing away on his computer.
I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing today, or how I was supposed to be doing it. I could call Theo and ask him what his day-to-day tasks consisted of, now that he’d saved my ass with that whole training malarkey, but I didn’t feel that it was the right time. I was hoping, (perhaps ignorantly), that I could get away with just turning up here, pretending to look busy for 8 hours whilst the managers lurked about, and then go home. But somehow, judging by the amount Nick Horton lingered like a bad smell in this place, I had a feeling that was wishful thinking. I didn’t even know how I was going to be in the right frame of mind for any of this knowing what I knew now. Not only did I have to put on an Oscar-worthy performance of Theo all day, and try and make sense of his work without spontaneously combusting. I also had to try and divert my mind from thinking about that bloody beautiful ring and what a terrible person that I’d been.
“Brandon?” I whisper as if I’m in a public library, rather than an office.
His face peeks round the other side of his computer, “yeah?” he whispers, mocking me.
What was I doing? Why couldn’t I just leave it? This was most definitely a bad idea, but it’s as if the wires were no longer connected to my brain.
“Did I-uh-” Oh god, just spit it out. You’ve already committed now. “Did I ever tell you that I was planning on proposing to Astrid?”
Almost immediately, I begin twiddling my thumbs and clearing my throat awkwardly.
Understandably, Brandon looks confused. Of course he does, why would Theo have told him something like that? Men didn’t share their feelings, especially in an office. It’s like throwing yourself to the lion’s den.
“Well yeah…” He finally responds, looking sh eepish. “But I thought you didn’t want to talk about that? Why, are you thinking of proposing again?”
Lucas’s head instantly shoots up from his desk, as well as everyone else’s in the room. I bet this was the sort of office drama they lived for. I could already sense the metaphorical popcorn.
I shake my head, and reply “ No.” a bit too overenthusiastically. I cough, “I mean, no I wasn’t planning on doing it now. Can you uhm-just remind me why we weren’t to talk about it?” Great. I was doing a wonderful job at being lowkey. I couldn’t believe he’d told them, was he excited about it? The idea of him grinning and animatedly telling everyone his plans to propose, only for it all to be ruined by me, felt like I’d been winded.
“You’re acting weird mate, did you…you know?” he mimes lighting a joint. Did Theo usually smoke weed and I didn’t know?!
“What? No of course not.” I reply firmly.
Brandon grins, “Yeah, thought that would have been a bit out of character.”
Thank God. At least I could be assured that my partner of 7 years wasn’t some sort of secret stoner.
He spins on his chair like a little kid, and obviously senses that I’m still looking for an answer to my question. “I thought we weren’t talking about it because you know…” he flicks his eyes around the room to make sure that no one else was listening. “Because you said that she… broke your heart.” He mumbles the latter part of that sentence under his breath, I could only just about make it out.
If there was a Guinness world record holder for the worst person in the world, they could shove over because there was a new winner in town. Had he told Brandon in confidence that I’d broken his heart that day? No wonder he didn’t go through with it. No wonder he was so mad at me. That was it. There was no way I could just sit here and be done with it. The weight on my mind was so heavy, it felt like I was about to topple over.
“And now she lobs cakes at you and calls you a twat. You may as well already be married.” Lucas snorts from the other side of the room, obviously still eavesdropping on the conversation.
It sounded pathetic, but all I kept hearing in my mind on loop was, ‘It’s me, hi! I’m the problem, it’s me!’ and I didn’t even really listen to Taylor Swift. Those words just perfectly reflected the way that I felt right now. How did it take me literally being shoved into his body to realise that I needed to sort my shit out? I felt like I was having some sort of intense spiritual awakening, (or maybe it was my pre-frontal lobe lighting up like a Christmas tree and giving me all this magical wisdom and foresight that everyone tells you about). Even being reminded about cake-gate makes me want to facepalm and be transported to another planet. What was I thinking? How was I only just realising how incredibly bratty that was now?
I needed to get out of here, time was of the essence and I had a horrible feeling that I no longer had that luxury when it came to Theo. Picking up my stuff and shoving it into my bag, I make a run for it.
As I run out of the door, I don’t look where I’m going and crash into something solid. I’m temporarily blinded. “Are you alright Theodore? Where are you going in such a hurry?,” it wasn’t a brick wall that had caused my head to feel sore, it was Nick Horton’s, chest. For fuck sake, trust me to run into the boss when I’m trying to make a romantic gesture.
“Uhm-” I stutter, trying to scan through a catalogue of excuses.
“Not feeling very well again are you mate? Came back too early I think.” Brandon says, suddenly appearing from his office. What? He knew that I wasn’t really unwell, why was he doing me a solid all of a sudden?
Nick sports me a sympathetic look, “Oh no. Take care of yourself. Don’t rush back, make sure you feel better.” God, his boss was nicer about time off than Deborah was, that was for sure.
“Uh- thanks Nick.” I fumble about, ready to make a B-line for the stairs and praying that I don’t suddenly spout a long pointy nose.
“Yeah, feel better, Theo.” Brandon echoes with a weird smirk. A smirk that looked all too much like he knew that I wasn’t actually Theo. My chest tightened. There was no way he could clock on to something as fucking crazy as this was.
Deciding that there were bigger fish to fry right now, I gave him an uncomfortable nod, readjusted the bag on my shoulder, and bolted down the stairs and out the door.