Chapter 35
Theo
You know that scene in Twilight when Bella is sat at her window and she aimlessly watches all the seasons go by whilst she’s hung up over Edward? (Astrid forced me to watch the full saga when we were seventeen, I’m not an avid fan), well, I might as well have been her right now.
I genuinely don’t think I’ve managed to accomplish anything so far today, not even doom scroll. My mind is an absolute jungle right now. Astrid had obviously decided to pay my work a visit today after pulling two consecutive sickies, I didn’t know whether that was even a good idea or not. As the way things stood at the moment though, it was looking more and more likely that we were going to just somehow have to adjust to each other’s working lives whether we liked it or not. It felt like some sort of sick joke, the prospect of having to be one another and live each other’s lives, whilst no longer actually being together. Darla was really doing a number on our voodoo dolls right now.
To make matters even more complicated, mum had been phoning me non-stop. Although mum was an expert at dishing out insults, she definitely couldn’t take them. Neither could she hold a grudge for any longer than a day. For obvious reasons, I couldn’t pick up, and to be honest, even if I could I wouldn’t want to. I know it was very much an ‘I told you so’ moment for Astrid, but it really felt like I’d finally seen my mum for what she could be, and I didn’t like that side of her whatsoever. It was prickly, tasteless, and damn right spiteful. No one wanted to admit they were wrong about someone in their family, after all, we were all taught to believe that family came before everything, often turning a blind eye away from anything that challenged those beliefs. But just like most things in my life over the past few months, I’ve learned to see the light.
Deciding that I can’t just sit here and rot for the remainder of the morning, I head for the kitchen to make a coffee. I was out for the count last night, which surprised me given everything, but maybe it was just the sheer exhaustion of living a life that wasn’t my own. Either way, my body still twitched with a need for a caffeine fix this morning. I needed something to get me out of this zombie-state-limbo. Opting for the hard stuff, a black americano, I flick the switch on the machine and let it scream with steam. I’m just about to grab a mug when I jump at the sound of the front door swinging open.
Did Astrid not lock it this morning before she left ?
Trying my best not to shit myself, whilst also trying to think of a defence move I can use on a potential intruder, I end up running around the kitchen and grabbing the nearest ‘weapon’ I can find…a mop. I’m standing firmly in my tracks, my fingers gripping tighter around the handle as I await my fate. This can’t be it. My final moments on earth can’t be spent with me stood as Astrid in her pink strappy pj’s, pathetically jutting out a mop as if I’m a knight about to start a dual whilst my americano brews in the background. It was like I was in some low-budget horror movie where the victim seems to always make the worst possible decisions. I’d be shouting ‘ARE YOU AN IDIOT? DON’T JUST STAY INSIDE, RUN!’ at the TV if I was watching myself right now. But trust me, when you’re in that fear it feels like you’re practically paralyzed on the spot, so I might be able to look past some of those questionable choices.
Footsteps bolt up the stairs and I can’t decide whether to follow them up there and do a sneak attack from behind, stand here and brace myself, or run outside and call the police on my mobile. I know the latter of the three sounds like the most rational option, but it’s as if I have no control over my limbs. I can just about make out the sound of one of the wardrobes opening upstairs in the bedroom. I can’t help but scoff at that, you’re not going to find anything in there mate, unless you want some worn out graphic Tees and holey socks to add to your collection. The wardrobe slams shut and the sound of gunning footsteps returns as the culprit legs it down the staircase and round towards…the kitchen.
I gulp. Squatting firmly and gripping onto the mop for dear life now, it was time to face the music. A shadow turns the corner and I squint my eyes, they’re coming closer…closer…clo-
“What is this?” a choked up voice asks, my choked up voice asks. Astrid .
What was she doing home so early?
My face immediately heating up as I realise how pathetic I must look right now; I prepare to explain. “I-uh- I heard the door swing open, but I didn’t hear it unlock. I thought you might have been an intruder, so I grabbed the nearest weapon that I could find, which was a mop- and uh- yeah.” I can’t even meet her eyes at the moment, I’m that mortified.
“No.” She says, sniffing back tears and panting for breath as if she’d just run a marathon, “what is this?”
I raise my head to see she’s holding a box…a Navy box. My nerves set in and my chest constricts as I try and come up with an answer.
“How did you? When did you?- ” I stumble over my words .
The floodgates are in full force now as she wipes her face with the back of her hands, “Were you planning on proposing to me that night?”
I catch my breath. Somehow she’d found the ring and put two and two together. I felt the embarrassment seeping through me.
“You weren’t meant to find that.” Is all I can whisper.
Her face grows desperate, “Please just tell me the truth Theo. I need to know.”
Puffing out a long exhale, I reply. “Of course I was.”
She opens her mouth and places a shaky hand over it.
“It doesn’t matter now anyway.” I mumble, looking more at the floor, than at her.
Putting the ring box down on the table, she walks over to me and places a comforting hand on my arm. “ Of course it matters.” My body jolts at the touch. Astrid’s touch obviously wasn’t a foreign concept to me, but this felt… different . Like a gentle electrical pulse zapping through my bloodstream.
Gesturing to the chair, I say, “I think we need to talk.”
◆◆ ◆
I interlock my fingers and place them down onto the table. “I want to be honest with you Astrid, but I’m actively trying to avoid causing any arguments. If we’re going to do this, we have to promise to lay out everything on the table. No more mind games, or tit for tat.”
She nods, and her face is full of sincerity. It’s strange, even though I’m looking at myself, I can see her . “I promise.”
And I believe her. Drawing in a breath, I speak my piece. “It’s been really hard for me to relive that night. For the past year now, I’ve even tried to block it out from my memory all together.” I shuffle uncomfortably. “It hurt Astrid. I’d psyched myself up about it months beforehand. I’d even snuck your dad to one side when your parents came over in November and asked him for his blessing.”
Her eyes widen and her mouth droops as I say that.
“He was so happy for us, and I was obviously happy that he was happy. I felt on top of the world, like I could whisk you away and propose with my eyes closed. I’d planned exactly what I was going to do, and I knew how much you loved Christmas Eve. But, when it came to the actual day, I just felt pathetic. I’d barely slept the night before because I was so nervous, I could hardly eat or drink, I don’t think I’d ever been more nervous in my life.”
She stays silent, allowing me to speak freely.
“But as soon as you started making jabs at me for acting weird, it just made it worse. I felt like you were making fun of me, and that I was showing you up. That’s why I just absolutely choked when I tried to get down on one knee, and that’s why I spilt my drink on you. I was trying to grab the ring from my pocket, but my hands were shaky, and I lost control.” I can feel the sweat drip down my forehead as I relay the moment, “And I didn’t laugh at you because I thought it was funny. Of course I’d never want to hurt or humiliate you. I laughed because I was so fucking uncomfortable. Proposing to you seemed like the best idea in the world, I was so in love with you Astrid and I knew 100% that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. However, in hindsight, I don’t think I was ready for that at all. I mean, evidently by how nervous I was. I also think…I loved the idea of it, but I didn’t actually know what that meant.”
Astrid lets out a long and drawn out exhale, before repositioning herself in her seat. “I’m so sorry.” Her eyes are completely bloodshot from the tears.
“I’m sorry for being awful to you that day. I feel so stupid for not clocking on and being a decent bloody human being. I’m sorry that you had to read that diary. I should have ripped it up years ago. I was angry and I was bitter. Not that it’s an excuse, but I missed my parents a lot, there were so many changes going on in my life and I guess I used you as the scapegoat for all of the problems that I couldn’t seem to fix within myself.” Her face heats now, matching mine. “I’m sorry if I ever made you feel anything less than you deserve to. I need to get one thing straight. You’re not a loser. You’re not ‘pathetic’ or ‘weird.’ I didn’t know what I wanted because I didn’t realise what I had.”
This causes me to raise an eyebrow.
“I’ve just got to ask you. Why did you stay with me after that? I mean, you knew you were planning on proposing and then I acted like that. I would have just upped and left myself at that point. I wouldn’t have thought it was worth it.”
I grimace. I knew that this talk was always going to be an uncomfortable one, I just didn’t realise quite how much.
Picking awkwardly at my skin, I reply, “I guess I just always saw the best in you. I wanted to believe that you were maybe having an off-day and that it wasn’t actually anything to do with me. I held up hope that things would get better, that maybe I’d have another chance to do it again. ”
“…But then they never did.” She whispers, her eyes sad. “You should have given up on me Theo. I feel like I’ve wasted your time. You could have been happily engaged or even married to someone else right now, not spending everyday fighting tooth and nail with me.”
I let out a faint smile, “That’s the thing, despite all of it, I didn’t want anyone else. I wanted you. But maybe that was wrong. I think I idealized you so much when we first got together that I almost held you on a pedestal. I realise now how unfair that was. I was desperately clinging onto a version of you that no longer existed. We were seventeen for Christ sake, we obviously weren’t going to stay that way forever. People grow and change, it’s just part of life.”
“I did exactly the same thing to you though, so I’m no better.” She interrupts, “Maybe your mum was right, maybe I’d changed for the worst. I realise that now. I wouldn’t want to live with me either if I was constantly being berated and moaned at all day.”
It’s my turn to interrupt her now, “I get why you do though. Astrid, I was fucking clueless when it came to how much you did for your job. I take back everything I ever said. It’s not just playing with kids all day, you do so much for them and they’re so lucky to have you. I mean, look at what I did after only one day? I nearly ruined your career. ”
To my surprise, she slips out a small snort. “Yeah, I don’t think calling kids little ginger shits would go down well in a PGCE course somehow.”
I cover my face just hearing about that again. I couldn’t believe I allowed myself to stoop so low. But that just goes to show how Astrid has the patience of a saint, I mean, she must do in order to live with someone like me.
“Well if it makes you feel any better, don’t forget that I’d managed to make your boss think that we have a patchy sex life.” She giggles, “and plus, I was shit at your job! I’m pretty sure I had a migraine only 10 minutes in. How you do that for 9 hours a day is beyond me.”
Were we actually sat here communicating like adults for once? It felt refreshing.
I breathe out, taking a more serious tone now. “I’m sorry if it feels like I’ve pressured you into thinking about kids. I had no right. I regret it even more now knowing how much mum’s been on at you about it too. I guess I was so set on ‘achieving’ these milestones, that I didn’t stop to think about the present. I barely even help you out, you’d essentially be looking after two kids and I don’t blame you for not wanting that.”
She smiles, but I can tell she appreciates my honesty.
“I should have pulled my weight and not left everything to you. It wasn’t fair at all, and I’m sorry.” I really did mean it. “And whilst I’m on an apology trip, I think the biggest one of all should be about how blind I’ve been when it’s come to mum. I didn’t realise how fucking terrible it felt when she insulted you. I guess I always just sat back because I was sick and tired of you both not getting along like you used to. I felt very much in the middle, and it didn’t matter whose side I was on, it was always the wrong one according to somebody. Either way, it shouldn’t even matter that she’s my mum. Some of the things she said to you were out of line, and I’m sorry for not sticking up for you like I should, or throwing you under the bus when I shouldn’t.” I inhale, I hadn’t finished yet. “I’m sorry about the wedding cake, and I’m sorry about the rings, I was unreliable and I was an idiot. I should have held my hands up from the beginning, and…I’m sorry that I’ve ended up being the exact opposite of the person you fell in love with.”
Her face drops and she falls silent for a minute.
“What did I tell you about using the past tense?,” this time though, she didn’t say it in an angry tone.
“Sor-”
“I’m going to ban the S word for the both of us in a minute.” She smirks, before her eyes turn serious again, “You say it like it’s old news. I ‘ once’ fell in love with you. I didn’t ‘ used’ to love you, or ‘ loved’ you. Theo, I love you. Now, today, always, and forever. We were wrong. It’s not a kind of love that’s frozen in time, it’s a love that’s evolving, changing, and growing, and that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.”
My heart squeezes in my chest.
“If you’re absolutely certain that this isn’t what you want and that you think we’re beyond saving, then I’ll respect that. But before you decide, I just wanted to let you know that you’re my everything. My partner-in-crime, my forever Freaky Friday, my…terrible ballerina.” She snorts, which makes me snort. “ My Theo.”
I struggle not to choke on my breath as she says that. Two simple words, but ones that hold so much meaning. As much as I didn’t want to keep living in the past, it transported me almost instantly to the days where she’d say that with her gentle voice and it felt like nothing else in the world mattered.
There was so much work that would need to be done, and I knew that. It was never ever going to be a simple fix. Relationships took work, and my dad’s word’s from the wedding echoed in my mind, ‘ You either want to be together or you don’t, and that’s something only the two of you can decide.’
Did I want to risk this only for it to all go pear-shaped ?
But then it hit me. As cliché as it sounded, maybe it really was about the journey rather than the destination. If Astrid and I tried again and it all went wrong in the end, would that matter? What if this time round, we learned from our previous mistakes and it was the best thing that had ever happened to us? Maybe the risk of an ugly destination was worth it for the chance at a beautiful journey.
Obviously growing anxious, she whispers, “ Theo, do you still?...”
Not wasting a moment longer, I reply, “Of course I still,” and immediately cup her face, smashing my lips into hers.
It doesn’t even register that I’m technically kissing myself right now. All I see and feel right now is her. I’m encapsulated by her love as she plants desperate hot kisses all over my lips, pulling back and forth like a game of tug-of-war. I gently nibble at her lips with the tips of my teeth and she reciprocates, ever-so-softly sucking on my lower lip as she pulls away with fluttering eyes. My Grandma June always used to say that I’d know the one with one simple kiss. I always scoffed, saying she’d watched too many romcoms, but when I kissed Astrid for the first time, two gawky seventeen year olds on my mum’s sofa, I felt it.
But this time, as I feel her lips passionately synchronize with mine as if this was the very last dance we’d ever do, I knew it. She was the only one I’d ever need, and she was worth it all.