Chapter 22
Cillian
Ihad no idea where I was or how much time had passed, but I didn’t care.
I hadn’t felt this good in a long time. I lay in a meadow somewhere, staring up at the dark sky, stars strewn across the black backdrop.
Ceri laid next to me, and I looked over and smiled at her. She didn’t say anything back; just smiled at me too. Luminous and perfect with the silver of the moon casting her in its glow.
All the anger, anxiety, and desire I’d felt earlier had completely melted away like snow under the hot sun.
That’s how I felt right now, no longer solid but more like a puddle of water.
I took in a deep breath and hoped I could stay like this forever.
Siobhan might have thought she was punishing me by throwing my vial into that portal and daring me to go after it, but it turned out it was the best gift she could’ve given me.
“Fucking godwitches,” a voice said from nearby, but it wasn’t Ceri. Ceri was gone. “What have you gotten yourself into, brother?”
I turned my head, vision blurry as a figure stomped toward me. As he came closer, I recognized the maroon cloak and hood. The same one that all brotherhood members wore, except this one had a shiny golden badge pinned to it that only the highest-ranking members received.
I tried to sit up, but along with my emotions, my body was too numb. I couldn’t feel anything. “Who are you?” I slurred. “What do you want with me?”
The figure crouched and removed his hood. His stubble was peppered with grey, his hair shoulder-length and wavy. His features were rugged and tired like the weight of a thousand worlds sat upon him. But nevertheless, I’d recognize him anywhere.
“Lor,” I said weakly, knowing none of this was real. I wasn’t even sure this meadow was real. Ceri definitely hadn’t been real, and that thought made my body relax even more. Fake Lor could say whatever he wanted. Could do whatever he wanted. He couldn’t hurt me, not if he was in my head.
My older brother picked up the vial lying next to me and swore under his breath. “Did you drink this whole thing, Cillian?”
“Mmm,” I said.
“Fuck,” he responded. “The brotherhood doesn’t even have to try and kill you. You’re going to kill yourself. You have to stop taking this.”
Laughter bubbled out of me. “That’s funny. You’re funny.”
“This isn’t a joke, Cillian. It’s your life. This stuff is dangerous.”
I shook my head. “No it’s not. I’ve been taking it for over ten years, and I’m fine.”
“This is not fine,” Lor said.
“Please go away,” I said, squeezing my eyes shut and hoping he’d disappear like Ceri had. I was finally feeling completely at peace, and my brain just had to ruin it. I opened my eyes, annoyed that my hallucination of Lor was still happening.
“Let me guess,” Lor said, “you started out taking smaller doses, but you’ve had to increase those doses over the years.”
“Hey,” I said, “how did you know that? Oh right, you’re me. I’m you. You’re a figment of my imagination.”
He pinched the bridge of his nose. “Cillian, please listen to me. You’ve got to stop taking this. It’s meant to help people with extreme anxiety for short periods of time. It’s not meant for longer use.”
“It helped Ceri’s father,” I said, amused that I was basically arguing with myself. “After her sister died and he completely lost his mind. They gave this to him, and it worked.”
“And is he still taking it?” Lor asked.
“No,” I said. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t.”
“You’re not listening.”
“Look at the stars.” I pointed toward the sky. “Aren’t they lovely tonight? I could just lay here and stare at them for hours.”
“How did you even get here?” Lor asked.
“Through a portal,” I said, and he sucked in a sharp breath that I didn’t understand. “But I don’t think I’m going to go back.”
“You’re the high prince. You have to return.”
I snorted. “Castle couldn’t care less about me. It doesn’t like me, you know. I was its second choice.”
“Who was its first?”
“Wish I knew. I’d find them and bring them to Fairwitch Isle so Castle could have the ruler it really wants on the throne.”
“You’re rambling.”
“Probably.”
Another deep sigh. “Does anyone know you’re out here?”
Siobhan’s angry face flashed in my mind. “Someone does,” I said. “But they’re not in any hurry to get me back.”
He grabbed me by the shoulders and heaved me up. “I don’t have long. I’m going to have to return soon, otherwise people will get suspicious.”
“Okay” was all I said as he steered me toward a tree line in the distance.
“Godwitches, you’re so fucked right now. Do you know how long ago you drank all of this?”
“Nope.”
“Perfect,” he mumbled.
“Where are we going?” I asked, stumbling as Lor held me upright. My legs were beginning to feel a little more solid, more steady. “Hey, I think I can feel my toes.”
“We’ve got a long walk ahead of us,” Lor grumbled. “No more talking. You need to save your energy.”
* * *
My body felt like it had been beaten with a mallet. I blinked my eyes open and found the ground racing past, a whir of matted leaves, acorns, and branches. Twigs snapped and leaves crunched under thick leather boots.
I stiffened, realizing I had been thrown over someone’s shoulders. Someone was carrying me, and I had no idea where I was or how I’d gotten here. Flashes of Siobhan, the vial, a portal appeared in my mind.
Oh, godwitches. I’d gone through that portal last night and landed in a meadow in the middle of nowhere, and I must have fallen asleep at some point and gotten myself kidnapped.
I made a garbled noise and struggled against my kidnapper. “Let go of me!”
The person carrying me stopped suddenly. “You’re finally awake,” a familiar deep voice said. It reminded me of Wolfe’s voice, but it wasn’t as growly.
He bent over, and I tumbled off his shoulders and to the ground. I stared up at my older brother, the night coming back to me in bits and pieces. I couldn’t remember all of it, but what I did remember was Lor appearing.
“What—” I rubbed my head as he grabbed my arm and yanked me to my feet.
“Let’s go. We don’t have a lot of time.”
He stomped ahead of me, and I struggled to swallow, my throat so dry. Godwitches, my head was pounding, and I was hallucinating again, wasn’t I? I’d seen him last night too. Fuck. I’d taken way too much of that heartstopper.
I stumbled after my older brother, and he didn’t say anything, just continued to walk through the dense forest as I attempted to keep up. “Are you real right now?”
“We don’t have time for that.” He ducked under a branch ahead of me, and that was answer enough.
Of course he wasn’t real. None of this was real.
But then, where was I really right now? Why was my mind coming up with this grand hallucination, and why did my entire body feel like I was wading through thick mud, every step a tremendous effort?
“We need to get you back to Fairwitch Isle before anyone knows you’re missing,” Lor continued, using his sword to slash at random branches and bramble that blocked our path.
“I’m guessing your people wouldn’t look too kindly upon their prince leaving their city to get high. ”
That stopped me in my tracks. “What?”
Lor slowed and turned. He’d aged so much since I’d last seen him. His face wasn’t clean-shaven anymore but stubbled. A scar ran from his eye to his mouth. My mind was certainly detailed in its hallucinations—and it was also brutally honest.
“I’m not getting high. It’s just . . . it’s medicine. For my . . .” What exactly? Emotions? Was that a thing? I shook my head. Why was I arguing with myself?
Lor parted a thicket of branches and leaves, revealing a shimmering border. I recognized exactly where we were.
He’d brought me home. Or I’d brought myself home.
He gestured. “Go on. You need to get back.”
“When will I see you again?” I asked, even though I knew he wasn’t real.
“You won’t,” he said and jabbed a finger at me. “Stay out of trouble, Cillian. I won’t be there next time to rescue you.”
“You didn’t rescue me this time,” I said, staring at the shimmering border around Fairwitch Isle.
When I turned to say something else, Lor was no longer there. I should’ve felt angry, sad, disappointed. Something. Anything. But like all the other times I’d taken heartstopper, I didn’t feel anything at all.