Chapter Fifteen
janae
April 17
My phone’s shrill ringing jolted me awake. I shot up, then flopped back onto the mattress, groaning. Sunlight stabbed through the window, burning my tired eyes. The heaviness pressed down, familiar, inevitable. The encroaching darkness of my thoughts and mood would soon follow. I cursed and let the phone ring. This was why I hadn’t wanted to sleep. Landon couldn’t see me like this. He couldn’t know this side of me. Shit. Shit.
Tears sprang to my eyes, and I curled up into a tight ball. “No… no… no… not now.”
I’d been doing so good since I’d stopped taking my meds, managing my nervousness, my incessant need to do something. I’d found cooking helped ease my mind. But this… this was horrible. No, I was a horrible person. Landon must have seen through me already. He wouldn’t even kiss me, no matter how much I told him I wanted him. Landon knew. He knew and was too nice to tell me he didn’t like me. And who’d want a messed-up woman who couldn’t control her tears or her smile? I couldn’t go out there like that.
I covered my face and started rocking. No one loves you. No one even calls you unless it’s about work. You think a man like him would ever give you the time of the day?
I looked around the room. Tears fell fast and hard down my cheeks. But I needed something. I needed to clear my mind.
I grabbed my phone and called Dr. K, and still jumped at the sound of her voice greeting me.
“Dr. K?” My voice sounded extra scratchy. I cleared my throat and tried again. “Hello.”
“Did I just wake you? I called about five minutes ago. We have our appointment.”
I ran my hands through my mussed locks, regretting that I hadn’t used a scarf to preserve my relaxed hair. “Yeah. What time is it?” I squinted to see my cell.
“It’s after three. Is everything okay?” Dr. K and I had decided to have weekly phone sessions. We would have virtual sessions and practice meditation and breathing together if I needed more than a talk. She’d expressed concern that I wasn’t on meds but would be there for me as much as she could.
“Yeah,” I said dully.
“Honesty, Janae.”
Tears welled. “You’ll say I need my meds, and I don’t want them. They make me like a zombie, and I want to feel even if it’s bad. I have to get through this.”
“What’s happened?” she asked in that no-nonsense voice layered with concern.
“The darkness. I can feel it. It’s just so hard when I feel this way. I don’t know what to do or think. I just want the sadness to go away.” I wiped my eyes. “I need to be clear and levelheaded… full of energy and life. That’s the Janae everyone sees. If you can hear it over the phone, how can I pull it off in front of the guys?”
“What did I tell you to do when the darkness takes over your light?”
“Use the dark to reflect and rest, and the light will soon return. There’s a purpose no matter how I feel,” I recited.
“How many hours have you slept in the last week?”
I leaned against the wooden headboard and pulled my knees to my chest. “I couldn’t settle my mind enough to rest until last night. I’ve been too afraid to sleep… scared I would wake up like I just did.”
“What was different? Did you finally fall asleep because your body shut down? Or did you choose to sleep?”
“Landon forced me to relax… to be silent. It worked.” My chest started to expand again. Some light returned to my brain. His hands had been strong and soothing as he’d caressed my feet, and the quiet of the night had lulled me into sleep. He hadn’t woken me until we were two stops from the house. Noticing my lethargy as we stepped off the train, he’d scooped me into his arms and carried me inside. Landon had placed me in my bed, given me the sweetest forehead kiss, and left my room.
“Let’s talk about him for a second. How’s that going?”
“So frustrating.” I chuckled through my tears. “He’s making me wait.”
“I thought you were content to be his friend anyway?”
“I am, but I do want to try him before we permanently place each other in the friend zone, which he seems determined to do. I can feel how much he wants me, but he doesn’t trust me yet. And why would he? He knew me from the past, and I didn’t even remember his name.”
“Don’t count yourself out with him. Let him take the lead on this. You’ve been the aggressor. Maybe it’s time to sit back and allow him to woo you. You’ve only known him for a month. You have time.”
“He said the same thing.” I hugged my knees. “I swear, I hate that I feel like I’m on borrowed time. That I’ll slip into a black hole again, and this time, I can’t climb back out. Time seems to travel fast, and I’m helpless to stop it. This urgency burns inside of me to find love, to get my career back, to fight my demons, to find friends, to not screw up. My mind runs in circles, and I keep myself busy fighting my thoughts. Landon wants me to welcome silence, but I can’t. Silence, for me, means darkness and despair. Maybe that’s why I woke up feeling like I’d been swallowed by quicksand with no branch to save me, though nothing has changed in my life since yesterday.”
“What happened when you became silent? Not what you believe will happen. What actually happened?” she asked gently.
I slid back under the covers. “We were on the streetcar, and I watched the passing scenery, and… I… felt peace, and then I fell into a deep sleep.”
“You needed the quiet. Exhaustion also plays games with your mind. Stop running from your thoughts. Face them and challenge them. They might not be as bad you think. You do deserve real love… a healthy love, and he might be that person. You’re no more on borrowed time than the rest of us. Enjoy him and enjoy this journey. But before we focus on your thoughts and this man, I want to know if you’re ready for tomorrow night.”
Tucking the cell against my ear as I curled into a ball, I admitted, “When I first woke up, I wasn’t sure. But when you asked just now, my answer came without thinking.” I grinned, relief coursing through me. “Unlike in Houston, the guys have been fair with me. They’re giving me equal time on the show, and rehearsals have gone well. I’ve been recognized almost everywhere without the madness I experienced at LAX. Sung at this reggae joint and partied on Bourbon without craving a damn thing. Just clean fun. The New Orleans vibe is my jam.”
“Your voice changed. That tells me that when you focus on the possibilities of love and performing, your mood lifts. Let go of any problems you’re facing, at least while you’re on stage. If your anxiety gets the best of you, ground yourself with your coin and remember how much clean, sober fun you’ve had for the past three days.”
I sighed. “It feels like so much longer than three days, in a good way, you know?”
“Because you’re among the living again, and truly living.” She sounded pleased.
“Dr. K, your timing is everything,” I said. “I needed your advice more than I realized.”
“Like you needed sleep more than you realized,” she teased. “I think I like this Landon.”
“Well, I know I like him.” I bit my lip.
“If Landon wants to take it slow, he’s doing it for a reason.”
The silence grew between us as I pushed off the comforter and stared at the ceiling.
“Janae?”
“I’m still here. Should I walk away from him before we go deeper?” Hurt added to the heaviness slowly creeping back into my body.
“Do you think you can walk away from him?”
“No,” I answered.
“Then continue doing the work to have the type of relationship you hope to have and it’ll take work. Open and honest communication.”
“He’s worth it.”
“And never forget you are too,” Dr. K added.
“Thank you. Sometimes, I get stuck in my head and only believe the negative, no matter how good I have it.” I scanned the large bedroom with a balcony and bathroom bigger than the bedroom I grew up in. “Like the fact that I haven’t worked in three years and still have a bank account that affords me more than what most people can buy. And more days than not, I’m sad and alone.”
“Have you reconsidered Del’s idea that you use the reality show to tell the world about your diagnosis or speak at that mental health fundraiser? Do you know how many people you could help? More importantly, it’s going to help you.”
I started rocking again. “I don’t know if I’m ready for the backlash. No matter what I post, people have an opinion. They’ll think it’s just a cop-out for my bad behavior. No one believed Simone Biles when she said she couldn’t perform and needed therapy. André 3000 barely performs anymore, and no one wants to hear he’s protecting his mental health.”
Dr. K countered, “They also had supporters, and the more that people who have a voice as big as yours use their platform to advocate for mental health, the more society will accept people who have bipolar, just like anyone who has high blood pressure or cancer.”
“I don’t know. I’m barely hanging on with Cedrick, and he might write me off as a liability if I start telling the world I have bipolar.” I rubbed the burning in my chest. “And what if Landon can’t accept it?”
“We don’t know how anyone will handle any of this, but you wanted to be honest in everything that you do. It’s a part of your healing. And hiding a big part of your struggles is a step backward.”
“It’s not fair. It’s so un-fucking-fair.” I raised my voice, and my hand holding the phone trembled. “I don’t even remember what my father looks like, my mother hates me, and my brother is too caught up in his world to bother with me. Started using drugs young to escape the pain of having no one. And I get to spend the rest of my life dealing with shit most people never have to deal with. What man is going to love me when they know? Huh?”
“Shh… shh… Janae, please calm down. I didn’t mean to upset you. Breathe in and breathe out. Come on, Janae. Breathe with me.”
I closed my eyes and did as I was instructed repeatedly as I tried to hear Dr. K over my own negative mind.
“It’s not your fault,” she reminded me. “Bipolar disorder isn’t just feeling good or bad. It’s your brain pushing you too far in either direction. The goal isn’t to erase emotions, but to keep them from running you into the ground.
She paused, giving me space to absorb that. “You are not alone in this. I’m here with you, and you are so much more than whatever those thoughts are telling you. You’re beautiful, smart, strong, and capable of fighting whatever comes your way. Your career is moving faster than you believed. You haven’t relapsed in over a month. This is only a slight valley. The hill is right there.”
The heaviness started to lift as she reminded me of what I knew on my good days. But the dark… the dark. I couldn’t win.
“Breathe, Janae. Relax your mind. We can complain about how life is unfair or focus on what is fair. Your choice. You made the decision to be sober and not take meds, so that means you have to push harder through those demons to see the light. You can’t give up on yourself. You, and only you, have to keep fighting.”
I sobbed. “I’m tired.”
“Open your eyes. Look around the room. Tell me what you see.”
I struggled to open my eyes, and I squinted in front of me. “A TV.”
“Is it on?”
“No.”
“Turn it on.”
I searched for the remote, and it was on the marble table beside the bed. “I found it.”
“Are you still breathing? Because if you’re not, you’re going to pass out any minute.”
I chuckled. “Yes. You were changing my focus. Doc, you’re good.”
“I love that you’re laughing. Even your laughter sounds like a song.”
“I know you lying now.” I laughed again, and my chest felt a little lighter.
“No, ask Landon. I bet he’ll say it too. Can you do that, Janae?”
“Ask him if my laughter sounds like a song?”
“Can you push through this darkness to get to the other side?” she quietly asked. “You have a show tonight, and a promising future in music, and a man who may just get you. If you fall apart, you won’t get to see if this comes true. Can you, Janae?”
“Yes.” I wiped my eyes. “I don’t really have a choice.”
“You always have a choice, no matter what. You aren’t that helpless, powerless girl anymore.”
“I meant that I don’t have a choice to push through because I don’t want meds, and I want to see how far I go in my career. If it’s meant for me with Landon, I want to see what happens, too.” I sniffed. “Oh, God, with all this crying, I’m probably all puffy.”
“Tell them it’s allergy season if you don’t want to tell the truth.” Dr. K chuckled.
“I like that.” I crisscrossed my legs, ready to fight again.
I took a gulp of air and stepped back into the world. The sounds of The Hollow Bones rehearsing drifted through the air as I walked down the stairs. When I stepped into the kitchen, my heart skipped at the sight of a hatless Landon leaning on the counter with a plate of pastries before him.
“You ever had a beignet?” He smiled wide, causing slight wrinkles in the corners of his eyes that would no doubt make him more distinguished as he aged.
“I heard a thing or two about them.” I walked to him and tugged on his curls, which I hadn’t seen since we were in Houston, and he wrapped his arms around me like it was the most natural thing for us to do. “You smell good.”
“So do you.” He tightened his embrace, and in his arms, I felt safe. Landon frowned when he studied my face. “How did you sleep? Your eyes are puffy.”
“Good.” I looked up at him, grateful that at least that part was true, though I saw the question in his eyes and how close our lips were to each other. He seemed to notice, too, and backed away. I bit down my disappointment. Let him take the lead and not see it as a sign of rejection.
Landon pushed the plate of powdered-sugar-dusted fried dough toward me. “Try it. Might make you feel better.”
“I’m good. Slept a little too long.” I leaned over the plate to bite into the pastry and instantly adored the light, sweet taste of the doughnut. “Mm… oh my God. This is sooo good.”
Landon smiled again. “I thought you might like it. When I’m alone, no one recognizes me. So I caught an Uber to Cafe du Monde.”
“Why didn’t you wake me up? I would’ve gone with you.” I took another bite.
“I can tell you haven’t been sleeping. You needed that more than hanging with me.”
“Or maybe hanging with you is exactly what I needed.” I grinned, allowing more and more light into my body. “Why do you cover that pretty hair of yours? It’s your glory.”
He dipped his head. “Now you’re sounding like my mother.”
“How could she not spoil you? You were probably the cutest baby with those gorgeous eyes and curly hair.”
His grin faded. “Yeah.” He looked past my shoulders. “I’ve been gone a while, so I’d better head back to rehearsal. I’ll tell them you’ll be down soon.”
“What did I say? You just went cold on me. I don’t care if you like to wear hats all the time.” I dusted the sugar off my hands.
Landon didn’t quite meet my eyes. “You didn’t say anything. I waited for you to come downstairs. Now you’re here, and I need to get back.”
“How long have you been waiting?”
He tapped the counter and walked away. “I would’ve waited forever if I needed to.”
I stared after him until his tall frame moved from my sight before dancing around like I’d won the lottery. I really liked that man.
April 18
“It’s standing room only.” I peeked out of the curtain. It was Friday night and almost showtime at the House of Blues in New Orleans. The crowd was already thick, though we still had an hour until the show. “This energy is otherworldly.”
“Once the seated tickets sold out, the promoter decided to sell general seating, and here we are with a maxed-out venue,” Brian said as he peeked over my shoulder. “Glad we’re starting off in a smaller space. They can really feel us in a place like this. We can experiment and see what works and what doesn’t and then perfect it while we’re in New York.”
Clapping my hands, I danced in place. Dr. K had been right. As long as I kept my focus on the good, which was Landon and performing, my energy returned to ten. The happy feelings continued when we were greeted at the House of Blues with ready smiles and dressing rooms filled with our food and drink preferences earlier today. We flew through the sound check, and we sounded amazing.
I looked over my shoulder at Brian. “We’re about to rock out tonight.”
He embraced me from the back, and I patted his arms. When I stepped from his friendly embrace, I sensed someone’s glare. I expected to find a scowling Cedrick, but a clenched-jawed Landon stood on the other end of the stage behind the curtains, holding his guitar. Brian walked away without noticing him, and when I beckoned Landon to meet me backstage, he shook his head.
The manager approached me as Landon strode off. “Your team is trying to get through the lines outside. You haven’t answered your phone. You want to let them in?”
“Of course. Let them in. They work with me,” I barked, heading to my dressing room.
As much as I wanted to talk to Landon, I needed to get ready. I twisted my neck as I walked, trying to erase the visual of his disapproving frown. When I touched the doorknob to my space, his hand covered mine, startling me.
I looked up into his fiery gaze and apologized. “It was just a hug.”
He pushed the door open and followed me into my small dressing room. My suits were lined up on the wardrobe rack. Bags of popcorn, Reese’s Pieces, and grape sports drinks were spread on a nearby table, and a small TV stuck to the wall played a montage of past performers. The ladies would be here any minute, and we only had a little time.
I grabbed the collar of his button-up black shirt. “You have no reason to be jealous. I only want you.”
Landon frowned. “I do have a reason. Just not the one you probably think.”
I gestured at his displeased expression. “Then stop looking like I did something wrong and explain what you mean.”
“Nothing to explain that we haven’t already discussed. I’m a simple man with ways that may seem complicated to you. Once we get to New York and you see me in my element, I’m yours if you still want me. I can’t fight what I feel anymore.”
His eyes softened and appeared almost golden in this dull light. He pulled out a vibrant purple-and-pink flower from behind his back and tucked it into the side of my loose hair. “This is a tropical hibiscus. It’s my favorite flower because it reminds me of a trumpet, and it symbolizes beauty and passion. Wear your hair like this for me, even if it clashes with your outfit. Whenever I look at pictures from this night, I’ll know that once upon a time, Janae Warner only wanted me.”
Entranced by the seriousness with which he gazed at me, I nodded.
He lowered his head, and his lips brushed my neck. “This might be my favorite part of you.”
“You haven’t seen every part of me,” I said breathlessly, wanting to grab and kiss him so desperately.
The left corner of his pouty lips turned up. “I bet you have a favorite part of me and haven’t seen everything.”
“Your heart.” I pressed my palm against his firm chest.
His brows dipped, and he curved his calloused hands to my face. My breath caught in my throat, and I licked my lips in anticipation of his kiss. Our first real kiss.
The knock on the door spoiled the moment, and he dropped his hands and opened it. Frankie and Jeri looked back and forth between the two of us with amused grins. Landon spoke briefly to the ladies and quietly left my dressing room. I swear it took everything in my power not to follow him.
While the ladies chatted and prepped my area, I eased down in the chair in front of the mirror, lost in my thoughts. Landon made me feel good, like the girl I should’ve been before I became a woman. I’d been in love before and had chemistry with plenty of men, and still, no one had made me feel like that giddy girl who couldn’t wait to go to school so she could see her crush, even if he never spoke to her.
When Frankie attempted to pull the flower out of my hair, I snapped back into the present. “Leave my hair as it is, and I’ll wear the black suit instead of the blue one.”
Jeri tsked. “I have to change the accessories, too, if you’re wearing your hair like that.”
“Do what I’m paying you to do,” I reminded her more coldly than I’d intended. I was too lost in Landon to correct myself.
Frankie quietly opened my shadow palette. “We can switch up the colors to match the flower. I can add more gel so your hair can have the wet look. You’ll look even more fab.”
I didn’t answer, preferring the tense silence to their noisy chatter as I stared at my reflection. My eyes were hooded, and my mouth was slightly open as if I were still anticipating his kiss. I really had it bad for Landon, and I couldn’t wait for New York.