Chapter Twenty
landon
My insatiable desire for Janae emboldened me to knock on her door unannounced. I’d asked Jeri for her room number at the club, and she’d gladly given it to me. I texted on the elevator to her room, testing the waters. I couldn’t say I would’ve left her alone if she’d ignored my text or told me she didn’t want to talk. I needed her, and I knew she needed me, too. The wide smile that brightened her already luminous glow when she’d noticed me at the ASMI event spoke volumes. I’d made the right choice to skip dinner with Del and be there as she announced to the world that she had bipolar.
Knowing she struggled with mental illness didn’t deter me from the allure of Janae. Her honesty and truth had only enhanced her beauty in my eyes. When she opened the door, boldly letting me know that I could have her, my already-aroused dick became rock hard at the inevitableness of the passion we would share.
Cradling her face between my calloused palms, I pressed my lips against hers and uttered, “I just want to be buried deep within you.”
Her eyes lowered demurely from mine as she stepped back and unhooked her bra, releasing her full, pear-shaped breasts. I shook my head slowly at the goddess before me, feeling impossibly lucky that I would get even one taste of her. I closed a hand over one breast, cradling the soft flesh and stiffened tip. She licked her lips and reached for the buttons on my shirt. I continued to roll her nipple in between my index finger and thumb as her sexy eyes darkened with temptation and sensuality. I lowered my head to suckle on the other breast, and Janae moaned loudly and could no longer unbutton my shirt. Her hands urgently pressed the back of my head into her.
She stood on tiptoes, clearly wanting my mouth to devour her breasts. I toyed with her rigid nipple with my fingers, using the same rhythm with my tongue. Her breath hitched, and her panting became frenzied. She cursed me. “I don’t want to come yet.”
Her plea only encouraged my focus on her breasts. I pushed them together with one hand and ran my tongue across both hard buds while running my other hand over her stomach and the diamond in her belly button to slip it under her lace panties, cupping her mound. She closed her eyes and gripped my forearms as I dipped my long finger inside her wetness. Janae shivered as I slowly moved in and out of her, stretching her and building her anticipation for my throbbing manhood. When she froze while scratching my arms, I increased the sucking of her nipples while fingering her.
I fisted my hand in her hair while my lips captured her orgasm in a fiery kiss. She gasped in my mouth, though her tongue eagerly joined and mated with mine. Janae tasted of chocolate and sweet, sweet sin. My finger continued to probe in and out until she succumbed to her climatic release within seconds of her first wave.
Janae stared up at me in exhausted wonder. “Damn, Landon.”
I removed my hand from her panties and backed her to the bed. Before I laid her on the firm mattress, I trailed kisses between her breasts and down her writhing body, stopping to tongue her belly button. Her hands rested on my shoulders as I hooked the sides of her lace panties and eased the material off her ass and over her thighs. I kissed her intimately as I moved the lace from her feet.
I looked up at her hooded eyes, drunk on desire. I would cherish every inch of her body and this unexpected night of smoldering passion. I rose to my full height, and the heat from her naked breasts seeped through my shirt. I could no longer wait to feel the softness of her skin on mine.
She pushed the shirt off my shoulders and soon we were both naked. Janae’s warm hands roamed my chest and stroked my erection as she sucked on my neck. She murmured, “I love your body. Why are you so incredibly sexy? I can’t get enough of you.”
Shuddering from her touch, I lifted her enough to place her on the bed and whispered near her ear, “I haven’t been able to stop thinking of fucking you ever since you stepped on that elevator. I wanted to push you up on the wall, snatch up your dress, and lose myself inside of you until you screamed my name.”
“Next time, do it.” She shifted her head to kiss me, opening my mouth with her tongue. I indulged in her sweetness before licking and sucking on her neck.
“I think I will. Mmm… you taste so good.” I spread open her legs and touched her engorged clit. “Probably not as good as this.”
She coyly smiled. “Don’t mess around and get addicted to my kitty kat.”
“Oh, I’m already there.” I gripped her thighs, and she winced slightly. A thin cut marred her skin. “What happened?”
Janae shook her head. “Nothing. Nothing. Um… being clumsy while shaving.”
I gently stopped her from covering the mark and kissed the tiny wound. “Hope that makes it all better.”
“It does.” Her eyes glistened as she raised her sensual core to my mouth. “Your kiss right here will make it even better.”
I dragged my tongue up and down her inner lips while nipping her pulsing button. Janae cursed me, though she pressed my head deeper into her. The loudness of her sensual sighs and her writhing, naked body against the white sheets propelled me to push past my usual reluctance when performing oral sex. I could feast on her all day. I was completely intoxicated by the taste, smell, and feel of her undulating femininity against my mouth.
When she tried to close her legs around my neck, no doubt from the building pressure, I spread her wider, wanting her to take all that I offered and then some. Her moans and purrs of pleasure grew intense, and her hips rocked against my lips and tongue.
Janae came loudly in my mouth, and I licked and sucked her until she collapsed on the bed. Her eyes were closed, and her breasts heaved up and down. Her arms and legs were sprawled across the sheets. I grabbed a condom from my pants before curving my arms around her waist and cuddling behind her. “Wake up. We’re not done.”
Janae turned over and melded her soft body to mine. “I’m exhausted, but I don’t care if I can’t move another part of my body, I’m getting fucked by you tonight.” She reached down in between us, though her eyes were still closed. “You’re so thick and ready to drill me.”
“You’re sure you ready for me?” I teased her entrance with my erection. “You did have a long day. I can always come back in the morning.”
She looped one arm around my neck, tapped my ass with the other hand, and encircled my waist with her legs. “I swear I’ll kill you if you leave me hanging tonight. I’m serious, Landon… like, kill you dead.”
“I think there’s only one outcome to being killed.” I chuckled, enjoying that we were so comfortable with one another… that I could feel this relaxed with another human being as I tore off the condom wrapper and sheathed myself. “Open your eyes, Janae.”
She slowly did as I said as I eased inside of her walls, which clenched as I pushed in inch by inch until our bodies were one. She curved her other arm around my neck, and I moved in and out, loving the way her inner walls stretched to accommodate my length and width. Loving how her gaze caressed my face while she bit her lip in ecstasy.
“I’ve waited for this moment ever since the night at the gala when you bumped into me,” I admitted softly.
“Me too.” She kissed me. “I didn’t want you to let me go.”
“And I didn’t want to let you go.”
“I know.” She hugged me tighter to her and begged, “Please.”
Her soft, urgent plea released the last of my restraint, and I began thrusting more forcefully, though maintaining the same pace. “Please, what?”
Janae’s nails became claws on my back and ass as she urged me to move faster. I didn’t quicken my speed once the pressure built within my body. I wasn’t yet ready to come, wanting to savor our first time. If I picked up speed, I would explode in seconds.
She moaned and yelled with every pump and thrust, cursing me for delaying her body’s incessant need for release. I kept moving in and out of her, feeling my desire spiral out of control. Janae started thrashing on the bed, and I caught her lips and tongued her, though she kept moving her head. She was beginning to climax, and I curved my hands to her face, kissing her wildly, madly as my body, almost of its own volition, bucked hard and fast. I roared as evidence of my passion emptied in the protective barrier between us. Her orgasmic yells followed mine within seconds. She received my spent body in her arms as I fell on top of her.
Her naked body was draped across my lap as I rested against the headboard, softly rubbing her hair while she slept. Despite my best intentions, I’d had to have her. I’d tried to talk myself out of following her to the Loews Hotel, but my heart wouldn’t listen to reason. Janae enchanted me without even trying, and the sun finally shone on me when she did try.
“You seem to have trouble sleeping too,” she said, voice raspy.
I shrugged. “I haven’t been able to sleep since you came into my life.”
She looked up at me. “That’s not good.”
“It’s like I don’t want to miss a moment of you.” I kissed the butterfly tattoo on the inside of her wrist. She had eleven tattoos on various parts of her body, and I’d kissed every one.
Her eyes softened. “I feel the same way. I feel that way about my whole life. Like I’m on borrowed time, and I better do all I can to make the most of it.”
“Is that why you decided to share that you have bipolar?”
“Partly, and partly because of what happened between me and you.” She rose, kissed my lips, and then rested her back against my chest. “I’m sorry about yesterday.”
“I’ve been trying to figure out what I said that hurt you.”
She tilted back to see my face. “You still don’t know after hearing that I have bipolar?”
“No, I don’t.”
“You pointed out everything I hated about myself. Parts of me I thought I hid, you noticed like it was the most obvious thing.”
“I’ve been invisible for most of my life. I disappear and reappear whenever I choose. My superpower is observation. I kinda have to observe others because I don’t always know the right thing to do in certain situations. I can probably say that no one noticed anything you didn’t want them to see.”
“I was afraid that if you truly saw me, you wouldn’t want me.”
I brushed my index finger over her freckles. “I love all the things I pointed out to you. The reason I hate that you feel the need to use, besides the obvious, is because it hides who you are. I like you as you are, even with the underlying sadness and constant need to move. It’s like what you said tonight, there are sun and clouds. It’s life. I don’t care if you have bipolar, if you have to label what you have. Or if everything you are is just who you are. I was proud of you because you did something that made you happy. You looked so strong and confident and seemed so happy up there.” I chuckled softly. “But I will have to donate that money on Hollow Bones’ behalf. I don’t want to hear Ced’s response. Your pettiness knows no bounds.”
Janae laughed. “I couldn’t help it when I saw you.”
“Remind me not to cross you.” I hugged her tighter.
She kissed my cheek. “I want to stay with you in New York.”
No one had ever been in my space for more than a few hours. I tensed, trying to figure out the words to explain the impossibility of her staying with me without hurting her.
“Is there someone else?” Her tone was no longer gentle.
“Why would you say that?”
“You just went all stiff on me. You disappear when we’re all together. Maybe you’re calling her and checking on her when you’re not around me or the cameras. I’ve been with men with wives and girlfriends, and you’re moving like them.”
“Then maybe you should stay at the hotel if you believe I would handle you like they did.” I bristled at her accusation. How could she still think I was like those other men? We’d spent hours on the phone for a month getting to know one another, and she’d spent nights in my bed. I thought she understood it took me a moment sometimes to respond. I thought she at least trusted me enough not to jump to the conclusion that I had a woman. Was she already pushing me away?
“I don’t know what to think, Landon. I’m trying to follow your lead and take it slow. I want to be with you, and not just for sex. I think we have something potentially amazing, and you pull away every time I feel close to you. I’ve dealt with men—”
I cut her off. “I don’t want to keep hearing about your other men. I know you’ve had men. Very powerful men. Men who command and want attention when they enter a room. The way you do. None of those men are like me.”
Her eyes focused on mine. “I know that. I love that you’re unlike any man I’ve ever been with.”
“You’re saying that now… See if you feel the same in a few weeks.” I tapped the back of my head against the cushioned board, trying to find the right words to make her understand. “There is no other woman. I don’t feel comfortable with people in my space. I just don’t. My home is the only place where I can breathe. Where I can be me, and I don’t have to hide in plain sight.” I stared over her shoulders and out at the balcony, unable to look at her. I feared what I would see in her eyes or her expression. “The Hollow Bones is the only place I fit in besides my home. I never fit in with my parents or in school. Kids used to make fun of me because I never seemed to get it, you know? Catching on to the punch line too late. Not quite wearing the right clothes, or wearing the brand wrong. Fear taking my voice when I least expected it. No girlfriends and no friends.”
Janae pressed the side of her face on my chest, and I resumed rubbing her hair.
“I was the kid who wore a hoodie even in the summer so I could cover my head and pretend no one could see me. I disappeared into my music and spent my lunch in the band room, learning how to play any instrument my teacher allowed me to touch. I was naturally drawn to the guitar. I could control how I wanted it to sound more than any other instrument. My guitar never made me feel bad or awkward that I didn’t get the joke or that girls didn’t pay any attention until I walked on that stage.”
I sighed. “You know how you said you wanted to be the woman who would interest a man like me in Houston? I believe I fell for you right then because I never thought a woman like you would ever notice me. And I’m afraid out of my damn mind that I may be too much for you.”
“Landon.” Janae sounded sad. I didn’t want her pity. She grabbed my chin to force me to look at her, and I refused to meet her eyes. My shame heated my face. “Baby, listen to me. For most of my life, I have been nothing. When your mother can’t seem to love you and your father has been long gone, you can’t help but feel unworthy. I did things to be seen… so I could feel worthy. The only thing that ever made me feel worthy was my talent. Until you. None of those men can hold a candle to you, even in the short time I’ve known you.
“You think I won’t want to be with you anymore once I see you? Well, I have the same fear. That the more you’re around me, the more you’ll run screaming the other way. God help me, I want to try , even if we fail miserably.” She curved her hands to my face, and my eyes slid back to hers. “I see how this life isn’t easy for you like it isn’t for me. You want the quiet, and I run from the quiet, and we both do it to hold on to our sanity and live out our dreams. We get each other in ways no one else does or probably ever will. We both could choose other careers, choices that don’t play with our minds, yet we’re on a tour tempting our mental fate. Why can’t we be insane together?”
My heart swelled with impossible emotion as I gazed at the fire in her glistening eyes. I shook my head slowly, in awe that this beautiful, brilliant woman truly wanted to be with me.
Janae gripped my face harder. “You don’t have to hide in plain sight anymore. Let me be there for you like you’ve already been there for me.”
“Stay with me in New York.”
She nodded rapidly with a relieved smile.
I used my thumbs to wipe her tears and pressed my lips to hers before murmuring, “My life jacket.”
“Life jacket.”