Chapter Twenty-One
janae
April 20
After we made love and talked most of the night, Landon finally returned to his room to prepare for our busy day. I slid deep under the covers. My thoughts were everywhere, though I was physically exhausted. He’d worn me out in a good way and had exceeded my expectations sexually. Landon had been tested, and I needed to get that done as well. I didn’t want to always use condoms, since we were headed toward a relationship.
Although I knew it wouldn’t change how I felt about him, Landon wanted me to spend time with him in New York at his place to decide if I wanted to pursue a relationship. I also knew the natural high I felt from the hope of new love wouldn’t keep the darkness away. Even now, my mind still warred over whether I was good enough for him or capable of being in a healthy relationship. I hated that I’d accused him of having a woman when he’d been honest, almost brutally so, in our interactions. One of the reasons I adored him was how he moved differently than any man I’d known. He’d been a protector and a friend. I wanted him. I wanted us , and I couldn’t allow my conflicted mind to overrule what I knew in my heart.
I curled into a fetal position, needing to settle my racing thoughts and relax to grab a couple of hours of sleep before preparing for tonight’s show.
Del had other plans.
“Janae, you are hitting a home run,” he greeted me when I answered his call a few seconds later. “Once again, you’re trending. You got the world spinning, trying to figure out what’ll happen next. New tour. New song. New man. Telling ASMI that you have bipolar. I can’t keep up with all the calls and demands asking for you. We need to discuss these new opportunities tomorrow while you’re traveling to Charlotte, when I have more details.”
I smiled at the ceiling. “So, I did the right thing about the bipolar?”
“You did. I was already proud that you’d decided to speak, but I can’t say how much prouder I am that you did such a brave thing.”
“Thank you, Del. That means a lot to me.” I pushed up from the bed and propped a pillow that still smelled like Landon behind me. “Now, what did you really call about?”
He chuckled. “I called about that, and I’m sending you what your brother said about you when he was interviewed for the show. I thought you should see it instead of waiting until after the tour. Please check your email.”
“My brother?”
“Yes. Don’t wait. I think you’ll like what he says. Your mother isn’t ready for her interview yet.”
“Okay.” I hung up, then scrolled through my email and clicked on the one from Del. I pulled my knees up. Rashad Warner was my older brother by a year. We’d been close when we were kids. Over time, we grew apart, and he seemed to always take our mother’s side whenever there was a family disagreement. Eventually, we’d stopped talking.
My finger hovered over the button as I debated whether to watch it or not. My brother had never intentionally hurt me. He’d just seemed indifferent. Focused on running women and hanging with his friends, he didn’t really have time for me. Now, he was a father of three, with two different mothers, and wasn’t with either. I hadn’t seen nor spoken to him or my nieces and nephew in four years.
If I wanted my familial wounds to heal, I had to confront the knife that cut me. I pressed play.
The video started with Rashad in the backyard of the house we grew up in. I smiled at the sight of my handsome brother. His huskiness as a child had firmed up over the years. He had a full, long beard now, and he wore his Dallas Cowboys hat as defiantly as he always had.
He touched the chains of the old rusty swing. “We used to spend hours outside, pushing each other fast and hard so we could fly as high as the sky. She has a small scar under her chin from when she fell off. My mother was so mad at me for letting anything happen to her, Honey-Nae.”
I laughed because I remembered that day. I ran into the house with blood dripping from my chin and scared my mother to death. She yelled and popped my brother on his arm and then bandaged me up. I wiped my tears. At one point, my mother had loved me. So had my brother.
“And my sister used to sing all the time. Lauryn Hill, Jazmine Sullivan, Keyshia Cole. Any singer with a big voice, she sounded just like them. She would sing to me whenever I had a bad day at school, and we would have rap battles she won every single time. She could just flow from the top of her head.”
The producer must have asked what had happened to our relationship over the years, because Rashad suddenly looked away. “Um… I don’t know. Maybe we just grew apart because we live such different lives. When she came back to perform at the rodeo and didn’t call, stop by, or invite us to her show, I realized that somewhere down the line, I’d done something to hurt my baby sister. I wasn’t mad or blaming her for not reaching out. I understood why and was hurt.” He stared into the camera. “Janae, whether they keep this part of the video or decide not to use it, I hope you see it and call me. I have the same number, and I want to apologize for not being the big brother you needed me to be. Love you.”
The video stopped, and I hugged myself. Life was looking up in so many ways because I’d decided to step back into the world. I just had to remember that when the darkness took over, too.
I sent a text to my brother.
Just saw the video. I’m also sorry I wasn’t the sister I needed to be to you. Promise to call you soon and catch up.
A few minutes later, I received a reply.
Can’t wait.
For now, that was enough.
April 22
After another electrifying show in Atlanta, Landon and I had spent the next two days holed up in my hotel room, lost in each other like we were on our honeymoon. We only left our private haven for a meeting with Del and the rest of the band. By Tuesday, we were back on the road for a performance in Charlotte on Wednesday. The film crew followed behind us in a van. Jeri, Santiago, and I were watching Black-ish on the bus, talking and laughing. We were into our second week of the tour, though it seemed like we’d been traveling together for much longer.
When my cell buzzed, I moved away from the group to sit near the front alone to talk to Dr. K. I hated that she hadn’t returned my call until this very moment. I didn’t have the privacy I wanted to really talk.
“Hey, I’m on the bus headed to Charlotte.”
“My assistant said you called a couple of times over the weekend. Is everything okay?”
“Yes and no. Still sober. We smashed New Orleans and Atlanta. I spoke at an ASMI fundraiser and announced my bipolar diagnosis. Landon and I have decided to date, and I reached out to my brother.”
“All sounds amazing, and when we have our regular session, I want to hear all the details. So, what’s the emergency?”
“That’s the point. My life is going well, yet the lows are too low. When I perform, I seem to be fine. It’s when I’m not on the stage that I stress. A couple of days after you and I spoke when I was in New Orleans, I started a fight with Landon because I didn’t like what he said about me, which was only the truth, and I cut my thigh.” I looked toward the back of the tour bus to make sure no one could hear me. Santiago and Jeri were still watching TV. Cedrick was on the phone. Landon, Charles, and Brian were taking a nap. Frankie read a book. “The moment I did it, I remembered how wrong it was and came to the realization that I wanted to truly heal. First by being honest with everyone about my struggles, then I wanted to know if I can pay you more to be more accessible to me. Whatever you want to charge.”
“We’ve already discussed this. I have other patients, and I have a life outside of work. No.” She paused. “Maybe you need to reconsider meds, Janae. I’ll get Dr. Brownson to follow up with you by tomorrow so you can find a lab somewhere and have the results sent to her. She’ll give you the rest of the instructions.” Dr. Brownson was the psychiatrist who was a part of my treatment team with Dr. K.
I groaned. “If I ever get back on meds, it won’t be lithium. I hate needles.” Lithium required that I get bloodwork done every three months because too much of the prescription med in my system could cause severe symptoms.
“I know. Maybe you can speak with Dr. Brownson about other options for your mood.”
“I have already, which is why I need more sessions with you.” I hated the whine in my voice. I’d tried other meds, and lithium, even with its faults, seemed to stabilize my moods the most, but it also dried out my mouth and hampered my sex drive.
“You sure this isn’t an impulsive move on your part? You’ve been on meds before, and you weren’t irritable or self-destructive. With all the pressure, it might be just too hard for your brain to handle. Maybe talk with Dr. Brownson about a lower dose and see how you feel.”
The greenery and cars speeding past on the highway suddenly seemed blurry as I quietly admitted, “I’ve been wondering if this tour is too much, too soon. It’s not just about the expectations to be great every performance or to be nice to the fans even when you don’t give a fuck. It’s also about navigating new relationships with others. I went from being alone most days for three years to a group of different personalities every day. For the most part, we get along. I’m trying to hide my moods, my irritability, and the fact that I can’t sleep most nights. I’m exhausted. Then there’s Landon, who picked up on everything I tried to hide. Don’t get me wrong, he’s crazy about me, already supportive, and accepts that I have bipolar.”
“Is he why you don’t want to get back on meds?”
“I’ve managed for six months without meds, and he likes me as I am.” I gripped the phone.
A heavy silence anchored us.
I glanced behind me, but Landon was still sleeping in his bunk on the bus.
Dr. K cleared her throat. “You just met him. He doesn’t know how bad it can get, Janae.”
“Well, maybe it won’t get that bad again, or if it does, he can be there for me,” I insisted stubbornly. “He has his own issues, and he gets me more than any other person ever has.”
“What issues does he have?”
I glanced over my shoulder again. “He has anxiety and probably OCD because he’s kind of rigid and uncomfortable around everyone except the band and me. Of course, that’s me diagnosing him. I don’t know if he has a proper diagnosis or has been in treatment. He could be just stuck in his ways, since he’s an only child and grew up with money.”
“Janae, please be aware that you could be trauma bonding with him, and that type of relationship isn’t healthy.” Dr. K’s sharp tone grated my nerves. “More importantly, don’t forget that love can feel like a drug. You might be trading one addiction for another.”
Blinking back frustrated and angry tears, I retorted, “Umm… I think I need to find another psychologist. One who doesn’t judge me for simply wanting to be happy.”
“Janae, that’s not what I’m trying to—” she started.
“I appreciate everything you ever did for me. Goodbye.” I hung up before my wayward tongue took over and lashed out at a woman I still respected.
Tucking one leg under the other, I shifted on the cushioned seat and allowed my head to fall against the window. Regret and indignation tied for first place. I needed a safe space, and Dr. K had offered me that for three years. But if she couldn’t help guide me in my treatment without meds or give me support for the type of love I’d always wanted, then we had run our course as patient and doctor. Maybe it really was time for me to use what she had taught me over the years and strike out on my own.
When I looked toward the back of the bus, Landon was awake and had his guitar in his hand. I’d learned that whenever he pulled it out around us, it was always fun. He would play something, and we would have to guess the song. Landon smiled at me as he started strumming.
Maybe he would be my safe space, since he was already my life jacket.
I did a little twirl and danced to the back, doing what I’d done forever, feigning happiness. Sometimes I could trick my sad mood into having a good day, and other times I couldn’t.
I grabbed a large plastic bag from the kitchenette area. “I have gourmet popcorn.”
They all yelled their approval like big kids and held their hands out to catch the bags of popcorn I threw while we all gathered around Landon, whose smile grew when I winked at him.
Today would be a good day.