Chapter Fourteen #2
Em hesitated a second, then stood and faltered over to Shae, extending her hand out to her. Shae didn’t take it. She was frozen in her feelings and in place. The emotional turmoil in her chest churned. She didn’t know much, but she knew she couldn’t kiss Em, not here and not like this.
She slowly shook her head, drawing her eyes downward. Em’s hand hovered in the air between them, but Shae didn’t take it. She knew what this thing between them had all been about now. She knew why Em had done what she did. It all made sense.
Em lowered her hand. The room was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. It was like the air had been vacuumed out. “Okay.”
Chapter Fourteen
Em
EM HURRIED OUT OF the room, taking the stairs two at a time, willing the tears not to fall until she was out of sight, but they were already coming. By the time she reached her bedroom, she was unraveling. She shut the door behind her, pressed her back against it, and broke down.
She didn’t hear Shae’s footsteps approaching before the door glided open, tapping against her back.
She rose to her feet, backing away from it, her arms tucked into her body.
It glided open the rest of the way, and Shae paused at the threshold, her hand lingering on the knob.
Her expression fell as she took in the tears streaming down Em’s cheeks, but she tried not to stare.
Em hated when people saw her cry; she never wanted to appear broken, or at least she used to.
“Amber and I never kissed. I know you think you saw what happened. But whatever you think you saw, it wasn’t that!”
Em didn’t say anything at first. What could she possibly say in this moment that would make any difference?
“It doesn’t matter! Why would it? It was a long time ago.” Is what came out, though part of her didn’t believe it. Obviously, it mattered.
“Yeah, it does, Em!” Shae said. “Is that why you kissed Elliot and spread rumors about me? Because you thought I kissed Amber?” Her fingers combed through her hair and stalled there.
“I didn’t kiss her, Em. She tried to kiss me that day, and I pushed her away from me. I told her I was interested in someone else, and I was. I was interested in you. I wanted you.”
Those words landed harder than anything else Shae had said. She’d spent years building a story around that hallway. Convincing herself that the night they’d shared was used as Shae’s map to self-discovery. She’d believed it so completely that it had become her own map to everything else.
Shae exhaled, “I’d thought I’d made that clear after—you know.” Shae took a step closer. “God Em, why didn’t you say something?”
A heaviness clung to Em’s bones, holding her feet in place like paper weights while her thoughts clamored in her head.
“Is that true?” Em asked
“Yes! Amber was in her feelings about her ex. I was comforting her and… I don’t know what that was or why she did it but I let her know it wasn’t going to happen.”
Em collapsed onto the bed, swiping at her tears.
“God, I’m tired. I’m so tired of all this between us.” She blinked up at Shae, standing there, eyebrows lifted in concern. A long, deep breath escaped her as if she’d been holding it in for years.
“That is why I kissed Elliot that day. But it’s not what you think.” She peered up at Shae, guilt flooding her face.
“Elliot, he’s just a friend. He has been since I first moved here in ninth grade. He was my first friend here. He lived next door to me, remember? I knew he always had a thing for me, and we became close, but never…”
“Oh-kay?” Shae said.
“We never dated, ever. It was fake… all of it. I asked him to lie for me, and he did. It went a little too far… obviously.”
Em exhaled, a tension draining from her shoulders.
She’d been living in limbo, holding tight to a secret so long, she almost started believing it to be true.
When people from her past would ask about them, she’d answer as if they were lovers, not friends, and Elliot was too sweet and too good a person to let the truth slip.
Shae stared at her. The utter confusion on her face set off alarm bells in Em’s head. She suddenly wished she could take back the confession, tuck it away where it had been hidden all these years. Anything would be better than sitting with the way Shae was looking at her this very instant.
Shae brought her hand to her forehead, her piercing green eyes fixed on Em. “Why would you do that?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” Em said, tucking her hair behind her ear.
“Jealousy, spite. I felt so vulnerable after what happened and then after intruding on you and Amber… I thought that… well, you know what I thought.” Em paused before adding, “I wanted to come clean, but then you became a serial dater, and I felt… defenseless.” She let this last word drop more quietly. It faded like the secret between them.
“I wanted—needed,” Em corrected, “To feel like I had something of my own. I didn’t want you to know how much that affected me.” She tucked her hair behind her ear.
“It was stupid. Turns out knowing the thing doesn’t stop you from doing it.”
“So you lied?” Shae straightened her posture, shoving her hands into the pockets of her sweatpants.
Em nodded, her eyes trailing up to meet Shae’s at this admittance. She drew in her lower lip, chewing at it.
“So then why’d you out me to the whole school?”
“What?” Em let out a sharp exhale. “Shae, I didn’t—” Now Em was the one looking at Shae, confused.
“I didn’t do that. I would never do that!
Why would you think I—” Em wanted to pull out all of her hair.
This was infuriating. “Look, I was walking with Blaire to class when I—we saw you and Amber. She was the one blurting it around, making a spectacle of it. I told her to leave it alone, but… I thought you knew that. That you at least knew I wouldn’t do something so cruel.
I knew you struggled with coming out. Shae, that’s the whole reason I wanted to work at Harbor Light, to help kids who struggle the way you did with all of that. ”
Shae’s face softened, as though hearing that struck a chord with her.
Shae went and sat next to Em on her bed, neither of them saying a word.
Four years of silence, and it had all been for no reason, all built on one misunderstanding.
It was like her brain had betrayed her by filling in the gaps with her worst fears and then defending the story as if it were true.
The thought of it sank like a stone in Em’s gut.
The cost of it was great. The cost of it was time and so much more.
Shae shook her head. “This is a lot to take in,” she said. “Now I’m tired.”
“I’m sorry,” Em said softly.
“My brain hurts,” Shae said, allowing herself to fall backwards onto the bed. Em lowered herself down to lie beside her, throwing an arm over her face to shield her eyes.