Before
Shae
THE KNOCK ON SHAE’S door to her room came swift and insistent—three quick taps, then another. Shae pushed from her bed and crossed the room as her door flew open. Em was standing in front of her, grinning from ear to ear.
“I got in, Shae. Look, I’m in.” Em was holding her phone up in front of her. Shae glanced at it, but the screen had gone black. Em registered the confusion on her face and looked down, quickly swiping her screen up again.
“NYU.” Em laughed. “I’m in.” She took a deep breath, her shoulders relaxing.
Shae smiled even though her stomach had started to knot. She stood there for a minute, letting the news sink in.
Then she stepped forward, wrapping her arms around Em. “Oh my gosh, Em. I’m so excited for you,” she said into her shoulder.
Another laugh rolled out of Em, effortless and contagious.
They pulled apart, and Em dropped onto Shae’s bed, unlocking her phone again to look at the acceptance letter. Shae sat beside her, the mattress sinking beneath their weight. The ceiling fan hummed faintly overhead, blowing wisps of hair across Em’s face that Shae fought the urge to brush away.
“Okay, so your turn. Any word from Columbia?” Em turned to look at Shae, her smile quickly fading. “Is everything okay?”
Shae didn’t know what to say. The truth was, she had received her acceptance from Columbia a couple of weeks prior and had chosen to keep it to herself.
She’d expected to feel a burst of excitement or joy, pride.
She didn’t expect not to feel anything. Then, days later, her letter from Florence came; she’d been accepted there too, and all the feelings she had waited to feel from Columbia arrived with Florence.
She felt so strongly, she wanted everyone to know, but she didn’t say a word; she couldn’t.
She felt guilty. Who wants to leave all the people who love you and go chase photography in another country?
She did, but now, how was she supposed to tell Em that?
She caught Em’s eyes with her own, and the worry on Em’s face tore at her.
She was happy for Em, of course she was.
She had wanted NYU for as long as Shae could remember.
They’d spent countless hours dreaming together of this very moment.
She didn’t even know exactly when it had changed for her, but it had.
“No, I—I’m just, I’m happy. I—” Shae was failing at this. She was never great at pretending, and truth be told, she’s never had to with Em. The only thing she’d ever kept from Em was how she felt about her, and at times she was certain Em could even see through that.
“You don’t look happy. I thought you would be—am I missing something?”
“No. Em, I am. I just… I’ve been kinda keeping a secret, is all.” Shit. Shit, shit, shit. She didn’t know why she’d just said that.
Em turned toward Shae, tucking her leg under her. “What is it?” It wasn’t concern on Em’s face so much anymore as it was curiosity and perhaps a touch of panic.
Shae wiped her hands against her sweatpants. “I got accepted into Columbia. I got the email a couple weeks ago.”
“What? Oh my god, Shae.”
Em threw herself into Shae, knocking her over onto the bed, her hair brushing across Shae’s cheek.
Em lay atop her, giggling, her arms wrapped around her so tightly that Shae didn’t know if her sudden lack of oxygen was due to that or the impossible decision that lay in front of her.
One thing was for certain: Em’s happiness was contagious.
Shae couldn’t help but smile as Em bounced energetically above her.
She let her arms wrap around Em tighter, allowing the moment to settle over her.
“Ok,” Em popped up onto her knees. “We have to stay on campus our first year, but then we could get an apartment in Brooklyn, or Queens—somewhere cheap. We’ll figure it out, we always do.”
She pushed up her sleeves, then impulsively grabbed Shae’s hand, their fingers intertwining briefly before letting go.
Shae felt the loss of it immediately. The place where Em’s touch had been, now cooling. As though something small but important had just slipped out of her grasp.
“We won’t have to be apart, and we can go visit Lennon at Mt. Holyoke on weekends.”
“That all sounds so nice, Em.” Shae stilled for a moment.
She thought about Florence. Keeping it a secret wasn’t going to do her any favors.
She needed to soft-launch it. “I got into Florence, too. In Italy.” The words tumbled out, and Shae swallowed audibly.
“I applied on a whim. I didn’t think I’d get in—but I did. ”
“Oh.” Em’s face was muddled with emotions. Shae couldn’t quite decipher what she was thinking. “Is that what you—which way are you leaning?”
Shae sat up, scooting backward until her back met the soft cushion of her headboard.
She knew the answer to that question but saying it aloud to Em was another thing entirely.
New York with Em would be a dream. The two of them, running wild together in the city that never sleeps.
Exploring streets they’d never walked, parks, and coffee shops.
Learning how to be on their own, together.
There was more, too. She wanted to be free with Em in a way she couldn’t be here. Explore what they mean to each other. There was so much unsaid between them; all of it in the way of what Shae felt at her core. She needed time to explore and get comfortable with who she was.
“Shae?” Em interrupted her thoughts.
What was meant to be a laugh escaped Shae, falling flat but somehow still convincing.
“New York,” the words were like silt in her mouth. “I’m leaning toward New York. Of course I am, ding dong,” she said, but as soon as those words escaped, an incredible sinking feeling drained the energy from her.
Why was she lying to Em? Why couldn’t she just say the truth, and it be okay?
She knew what she wanted. She wanted slow over hustle—to be buried in foreign sounds, timeless old world charm, and a language that melted over her ears like butter over warm pasta.
She wanted to lift her camera and see a world that looked nothing like the one she’d always known.
But when she pictured the future, it wasn’t Florence she saw. It was Em.
? · ? · ?
“This was exhausting… and pointless,” Em said from under her arm. She uncovered her face and turned toward Shae, who was staring up at the ceiling. Shae turned to look back at her.
“What are you thinking?” Em asked.
“Honestly,” Shae admitted. “I think you have a little more crazy in you than I thought.”
Em nudged her with her elbow. “Stop.”
Shae’s face went serious. Her hand drifted down, inching over until her fingertips lightly grazed Em’s. The touch moved up her arm and throughout her body before she registered what was happening.
Em instinctively opened her hand, dropping her chin down to watch their fingers dance together playfully.
“Butterflies,” she said, her eyes shifting back up to meet Shae’s.
Shae’s face was relaxed, gentle, a look Em hadn’t seen her wear in a very long time.
The thought of that stung. This could have been the way it was all along if only she’d been honest from the start.
There had been so many times she had wanted to come clean.
But then she’d see Shae with someone new, and she couldn’t do it.
Even the thought hurt. It was a haunting kind of pain.
“I’m sorry,” Em said.
Shae adjusted herself to face Em, reaching over to take her hand again.
“Me too.”
She let go of Em’s hand, tucking a loose strand of Em’s hair behind her ear before Shae’s fingers drifted down to her mouth. Shae’s eyes were locked on her lips.
“Your lips get so pink and plump when you cry,” she said, brushing her fingertips delicately across them.
Em’s eyes fluttered shut as she drew in her bottom lip, her tongue grazing the inside of it, like she was savoring the place where Shae’s touch had lingered.
She wrapped her hand around the back of Shae’s wrist as it cradled her cheek, holding it there.
There was a want in Shae’s eyes. She let her hand fall from Em’s face, reaching around her waist, guiding her closer.
A final puzzle piece clicked into place.
Their bodies met effortlessly. Now close enough that Em could already taste her mouth as Shae’s breath came out warm against her own, sweet—a subtle hint of strawberry. Em’s body urged her forward, wanting to explore further.
She reached across Shae’s stomach, grazing the soft skin at her side before fisting the back of Shae’s shirt in her hand—begging her even closer, lips parting like an invitation.
Shae’s lips brushed against hers in the smallest way, barely there.
A ghost of a kiss, tentative and soft, like neither of them could believe it was happening.
Like a question lingering against her lips.
A shared breath between mouths that had waited too long.
Shae moved to deepen the closeness only a fraction before the door opened with a double knock.
“Em, you okay? I’m so...” Lennon stopped mid-sentence. “Oh my God! I am so sorry!”
Lennon’s voice snapped the world back into motion like a sudden spotlight.
She stood frozen in the doorway, blinking rapidly. “I didn’t… I wasn’t… forget it!”
She fumbled with the door handle. “I saw nothing!” she said, practically falling backward, closing the door behind her.
Shae jolted away, bolting upright.
Em blinked, dazed, her heart attempting the arduous climb to her throat. Her lips still tingled from where Shae had been.
For a second, neither of them moved.
Em pivoted on the bed, her eyes finding Shae’s.
There was a flush in Shae’s cheeks. Her chest, rising and fall-ing as though she’d just run a mile. But her eyes were clear. And she didn’t look away.
Em stared back at her, equally breathless. Neither of them smiled. Neither spoke.
But everything had shifted.