Chapter Fifteen
Shae
SHAE QUIETLY SLIPPED FROM her room, doing her best not to wake anyone.
It was four a.m., and the house was silent and unlit.
She sneaked down the stairs and dug a scratchpad and pen from the utility drawer, scribbling a note for Lennon at the kitchen island when faint padded steps crept on the staircase.
“Going somewhere?” Claire’s voice was low and had a subtle edge to it. She ambled toward the cabinet, bringing down a glass.
“I couldn’t sleep,” Shae said, “I’m gonna go visit my parents for a couple days. What are you doing up?”
Claire lifted the glass in front of her. “Water. I drank a little too much last night.” She filled her glass, drank it down with one go, and immediately began pouring another.
Shae reached for her backpack on the floor, flinging it over her shoulder.
“So is this like your MO or whatever? What you do—run when shit hits the fan?”
“What?” That stopped her. Claire had only ever been kind to her since she’d arrived. Now she was coming down on her, too. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“Oh, you know what I mean, Shae.” She rubbed at one of her eyes. “But do whatever you need to do, I’m going back to bed.”
Claire turned her back on Shae, heading back upstairs.
Shae didn’t know what the hell that was about. She had tossed and turned all night, trying to quiet the noise in her head, and now she had to process this, too. She needed to clear her mind, not add to the noise.
Shae headed outside, tossing her bag into the passenger seat, and backing out of the drive for the city, her mind now whirling. She tried not to ruminate on what Claire had said, but she couldn’t clear it from her head.
She hadn’t seen her parents since returning from Italy, and her mom’s guilt-laced text messages had made it clear she wasn’t impressed with that.
They had visited Shae often when she was in Italy. Her mom even flew out a few weeks before she left to help her pack and tour the city with her again, even though she’d just been there for her graduation. Now, Shae was only a couple of hours away and hadn’t even dropped in to say hello.
Her parents were still asleep when she arrived, so she crept into the den, throwing herself onto the couch.
She unfolded the blanket from the back and curled in, the fresh scent of fabric softener warming her nose.
There was something so comforting about being in her childhood home.
It settled around her with its creaks and hums that always had a way of lulling her to sleep.
It smelled of polished wood and lavender that her mom would bring in from the garden.
The sameness of it brought her peace, and she swiftly drifted off.
“Don’t run that machine, June, you’re gonna wake her up.” Her dad’s voice floated in from the kitchen.
“Oh, she’ll be alright,” her mom said.
A loud sound rang out from the kitchen, probably some new kind of coffee machine, Shae suspected.
Shae stirred, pushing the blankets aside and shuffling toward the kitchen, hair mussed from sleep.
“Oh, here she is. What’d I tell you?” Her dad drifted over, his arms outstretched.
That warm smile he always wore drew Shae in.
She stepped into his arms, his cologne wafting up between them.
She relaxed into his arms, feeling right at home there.
Her dad tapped rhythmically against her back, a gesture that always calmed her.
“Hi, Daddy,” Shae said into his chest.
“Hey, baby,” he said, kissing her cheek, coffee on his breath. “Sorry, we woke you. Your mom thinks she’s a barista now. She got that new machine over there, and now we have Starbucks-worthy coffee in our own kitchen.”
“Oh, Greg, I do not think I’m a barista,” June said, strolling over to hug Shae. “It is very good coffee though, like that place you took me to in Florence, remember, what was it called, Shae?”
“Caffè Fiorella.”
“Yes, that’s it. Caffè Fiorella. There was a cat that just roamed freely inside the place; it was so cute. Oh, it was so cozy in there, not like the places we have over here. You won’t find anything like it here, and the coffee was fabulous too. Wasn’t it, Shae? You really missed out.”
“Your mom’s trying to make me feel bad because I didn’t come on that last trip with her,” he said to Shae, tapping her hand with his, leaving it resting atop hers.
“Oh come on,” June said. “When did I say that?”
Shae chuckled at the two of them. She pulled a chair out from the table and plopped down into it. She slumped, resting her head on her arms.
“Shae, are you getting enough sleep out there? You look tired.” June scooped up the mug from the counter and headed toward the table.
“What have you guys been doing? Having a good time?” Her mom asked, dropping the cup of coffee down in front of her. “Try this before you doctor it up, it’s so yummy.”
Shae blew on the hot liquid in her cup before taking a sip.
“Well, what have you guys been up to out there?” Her mom repeated.
“Sitting by the pool, mostly,” Shae recounted. “Kira came out for a few days.”
“That’s right, Lennon mentioned that. Seth and Claire came out for a couple weeks to stay with you guys, too. Are they still there?”
“They are.”
“And of course Brodie. How’s Emmaline doing? Must be nice having her there all summer!”
Shae’s heart stuttered at the sound of her name. That moment—the one that almost happened—flickered through her mind like a spark too close to kindling. She clung to the heat of her coffee, the almost kiss still lingering.
“Yeah, it’s all been fun.” Shae didn’t know if this was the full truth, but it was as close as she could get to it without giving herself away.
Her dad came and sat down next to her at the table, a piece of buttered toast and an egg on his plate.
He tapped her arm gently before picking up his fork.
“I made some breakfast up there, if you’re hungry. There’s lots to eat.”
“Greg, did you make chocolate chip pancakes? You didn’t. I told you to make her some pancakes… honestly.” June shook her head.
Her dad rolled his eyes lightheartedly and then winked at Shae.
“I made eggs and bacon, and there’s lots of fruit up there as well.
It’s already been washed,” he said, in a hushed aside.
Then added to her mom, who was still mumbling, going on about the pancakes, “June, it's carbs… kids these days are trying to cut out carbs to stay fit. Isn’t that right, baby?”
“Oh, stop,” June said. “Look at her, she could use a few carbs.”
June fixed Shae a plate and dropped it in front of her. She sat down on the other side of Shae. “Well, we’re glad you came to visit. We missed you!” June reached out, straightening Shae’s slept-on hair, tucking it behind her ear. “What’s Lennon doing today?”
“I don’t know,” Shae said, “I left before anyone was awake.”
Her mom squinted over at her, her brows furrowed, “Did something happen?”
Shae held her breath, trying not to make eye contact. If her mom caught her eyes, she’d know something was up. She always knew.
Where do I start?
“Oh, June, leave it be.” Her dad interjected.
“We went cliff jumping last week!”
She hoped her mom didn’t notice this subtle attempt to change the subject.
“Cliff jumping? Oh no, Shae, that doesn’t sound safe at all. Seth put you up to that?”
How does she always know? Shae thought.
“It was so much fun,” Shae said, recalling the memory. She wasn’t being dishonest; she believed it.
“Shae, you guys can’t be doing that! The sharks, Shae… and the seals! You could have been eaten alive! Too much risk! How did you even find a spot in Chatham for that?
“There are a couple spots. Seth’s friend knew of this one,” Shae said.
“Yeah, leave it up to Seth! Well, I’m glad nobody broke their neck! The last thing I need is a call like that. I’d have a heart attack,” her mom said.
“You should try it sometime, Mom,” Shae teased.
“Oh, come on now. Ask your dad to do it. He used to always like doing crazy stuff like that. You’re just like him in that way, Shae.”
“So, how long are you going to be staying? Just for the day, or…?” Her dad asked.
“I don't know. Tonight for sure. I want to see Kira while I’m here, so I’ll probably do that tomorrow. It depends on how late it gets.”
“Well, we’re glad to have you home,” her dad said. “Stay as long as you want.”
“Thanks, Daddy.” Shae rubbed his arm and leaned her head against it, giving him a soft side hug.
“Well, what are we going to do today, June?”
“Visit, of course. I’ve got to figure out what I’ll make for lunch and dinner. Shae, why don’t you go get dressed and head to the store with me?”
“You guys don’t have to go out of your way for me. I—”
“Oh, don’t be silly,” her mom interrupted. “Go get dressed.”
Shae jumped into her mom’s car. The moment was surreal, as though she were a kid again.
She’d made it back for three of the four Christmases, and that was only after learning about Em’s parents moving to Colorado.
Even then, she only stayed a week, feeding her parents excuses that she needed to prepare for next semester at university.
“So are you going to tell me what happened?” Her mom said as she sank into her seat and shut the door.
Fuck, she’d known this was a trap.
“Mom!” Shae said. “Let’s not, ok? Let’s just go get groceries.”
“Oh, honey, I don’t need any groceries. I was only saying that to get you out of the house. We are going to the Garden.”
“Boston Public Garden? Mom…what about Dad?”
“I’m sure your father already knows. He knows when I need to take a shit before I do and vice versa. That’s marriage for ya!”
“Oh, Mom… I didn’t need to hear that!”
“Well, it’s true. I could tell you stories.”
“Please don’t!”
“I’m not gonna, I’m only saying I could. We’re going to the Garden, humor me. We’re going to talk through whatever is going on between you and Emmaline.”
“Fuck! Did Lennon talk to you?”
“Why would your sister have to call me?” Her mom said, turning the steering wheel slightly as she navigated the curved road. “Are you telling me I don’t know my own daughter now?” She leaned over the center console, half watching the road, half looking at Shae.
“I’ve known about you two since she came and stayed at the beach house that first time.
” Her finger leveled over at Shae, pointed and firm.
“You never dressed up, you know that, and you packed makeup for the first time in your Goddamn life—I knew something was up. Pretty hard to ignore it when you two were together. Like fucking magnets.”
Shae glanced over at her mom as her foot eased on the brake. “Then she walked around pretending to date that Briggs kid for two years.”
“The hell, Mom. How much do you know?”
“I know enough! You live long enough in a place, you start to learn a few things.”
They both got out of the car. “Over here,” her mom said, motioning toward a bench under a large willow tree, overlooking the water.
“Now,” she said, shifting her weight on the bench to face Shae, getting comfortable. “Let’s have it.”
Shae told her everything. From the night that she and Em had in her bed, to the kiss they never shared. About Claire and how she made her feel seen, and is playful and kind in a way that goes unnoticed, but how she screwed that up, too.
About the unspoken things—that maybe she’d held onto these feelings for Em all this time.
Feelings she thought were long gone, replaced with the type of searing disdain that wasn’t quite hatred but came in as a close second.
Now, she didn’t even think it was Em she was mad at; she was mad at herself.
She wanted to run from all of it, but she could never get far enough away, and now she understood why. Because it was herself she was running from.
Her mom turned to Shae, placing a hand against her back, rubbing in comforting circles.
“Shae, baby. I’m going to tell you something, and I want you to remember this,” her mom said, reaching out to grab her hand. “Never get trapped in your anger. Everything is temporary, from the smile on your face to the breath you take. So live and allow yourself to feel. You only get today once.”
Say the hard things, feel the hard things. Stay in the moment and accept what it has to offer you, without trying to change it. If you’ve locked yourself in your feelings, you have a key somewhere, too.”
Shae tucked her feet beneath her, folding into her mother. June wrapped her arm across her, planting a kiss against her hair. The two of them watched the ducks glide across the pond.
“Was I always like this?” Shae asked.
“You were a pain in the ass.” Her mom squeezed her a couple times, patting her arm lovingly.
“But I don’t know. At some point, kids stop telling their parents about all their struggles.
I think only you can answer that for yourself.
” She let that resonate, then added. “You and Emmaline have quite the history. Those things are difficult to move past, and you have some things to work out for yourself, it sounds like, but you can do hard things, Shae-Shae—I’ve watched you do them. ”