Chapter Nineteen
Em
EM SAT IN THE back of Lennon’s SUV, staring up at the ceiling, replaying their kiss on repeat in her head. Her pulse quickened as waves of exhilaration raced through her over each breathtaking moment. She was euphoric—on cloud nine. That kiss… it was what she had waited for, for so long.
When she and Shae were intimate before, she’d wanted the closeness of her mouth against Shae’s, but was too nervous to make it happen.
She curled her lips into her mouth, her eyes drifting closed.
She’d spent so much time daydreaming about this moment, thinking about what it would be like.
There were so many times when she would fall asleep with that being the last thing on her mind, and now it had finally happened, and she couldn’t be happier.
“Someone’s in love,” Seth said, pulling Em from her moment of bliss.
“She’s been in love. Leave her alone,” Lennon said, flashing a wink in Em’s direction.
Claire rode with Shae to drop off Kira and Natalie, which unsettled Em.
The thought of the two of them riding back home alone together landed outside her current frame of comfort.
What would Claire say to Shae? Em knew now that the two of them had kissed.
They had kissed before she and Shae had, and that stung.
She’d pretty much been in love with Shae since she was fifteen.
Seven long years of vying for Shae’s affection, and another girl swooped in and pulled her in after only a week.
After tonight, though, she was pretty sure that Claire was all eyes for Natalie.
She was also sure she’d seen them kissing at the bar, and maybe that was something.
Regardless, she wanted to see Shae one more time before the night was over, to say goodnight.
The idea of not being able to do that disappointed her.
The Hemingway’s house was completely dark, all but the copper glow of the porch lights. They tiptoed up the stairs to where the bedrooms were. Em stopped outside of Lennon’s room, leaning against the doorframe.
From where she stood, she could see straight into Shae’s room across the hall.
She’d been in this house several times since Shae left for Italy, her door always closed.
Each time she’d pass by the image of the two of them looped around, and caught hold of her heart like a lasso.
If she’d only confronted Shae years ago, it would have made a world of difference.
She surveyed the room. Shae’s clothes strewn about, her bed unmade, and her blue walls. Shae insisted on painting them that color despite her mother’s protests. The same blue walls that she later confessed to Em had reminded her of Em’s eyes.
“It feels like falling asleep under your gaze,” she’d told her. They both giggled at how cheesy it sounded, but then Shae’s face became serious, and she said, “I know it sounds cliché, but it’s true.”
There were so many moments with the two of them in that room.
Moments where Em confided in her about her parents' pending divorce and the nightmares she had been having. Reading side by side with Shae in silence. Moments where the two of them laughed so hard together that she lost her breath. There were other times, too, like the many times she thought they would kiss but didn’t.
Her lips tingled with the memory of it, and she lifted her fingers, brushing them across her mouth, remembering how she would close her eyes and imagine it happening over and over until ultimately drifting off.
Brodie strode past her, throwing himself onto Lennon’s bed, crossing his legs, and propping his hands up behind his head.
Lennon whispered to Seth, motioning him to follow her down the hall to the guest room. The room warmed with a faint light before she slipped out, closing the door softly behind her and moving back toward Em.
“Hey, where do you want me to stay?” Em said, hiking her backpack further up her shoulder.
“In there with Shae,” Lennon said matter-of-factly.
“That’s a joke, right?” Em said, but Lennon just quirked a brow, her smirk hinting at intention.
“Len, no… absolutely not.” Em dropped her shoulder, and her backpack slipped down toward the ground. She caught it before it hit the floor, hiking it back up over her shoulder.
“What? It’s not like you haven’t slept in the same bed before. Plus, you guys just totally made out at the bar. You should be happy!”
“Ok. First of all, that is extremely presumptuous of you. Second, what will Shae think? Coming home and finding me in her bed?”
Lennon popped her hip out, hand braced on it like she knew she was right. “I’m going to pretend you didn’t just ask me that. Plus, Shae already knows.”
Em squinted at Lennon, questioningly.
“Well…” Lennon dragged out, locking her hands under her chin. “I might have mentioned to her earlier that I told June not to worry about making up an extra bed for you because you’d be staying with her. Just as a heads up.”
“Oh my God!” Em fell back toward the wall, her head clunking against it. “Lennon!”
“I’m sorry. I thought you’d both be happy.”
It wasn’t that she didn't want to sleep next to Shae; if that’s all it would even be. It was that they’d finally opened the doors again, and she was afraid to mess it up. She didn’t know if this was what Shae even wanted or if Lennon had pushed her the same way she was pushing Em right now.
The last time she’d been in that bed, her whole life changed in a way that was not for the better.
She’d lost herself. She molded into someone she disliked.
Lying to protect her heart and her pride, becoming spiteful, and ultimately cutting Shae off.
Stepping into that room and lying in that bed next to Shae again wasn’t only about being close to her.
It brought with it a lot of fear and doubt.
The door downstairs opened and closed, and Em could hear the soft sound of footsteps on the carpet as they moved up the stairs.
“That’s my cue,” Lennon said, stepping into her room, the door clicking shut as Shae rounded the top of the stairs.
“Hey,” Shae said. “She just leave you out here?”
Shae’s lips twitched like she was holding back a laugh. Like she could tell Em was nervous, and the idea of it satisfied her in some way.
“Unfortunately. I mean, I don’t mean that in a bad way, it’s… I—”
“It’s okay.” Shae cut in.
Em peeked over Shae’s shoulder, “Where’s Claire?”
“She decided to go home with Natalie… they really hit it off.”
“So I noticed,” Em said, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth.
“Len said I’m supposed to sleep in there… with you.” Her voice cracked on the last word, and she shifted uncomfortably against the wall.
Shae’s mouth tipped up into a smile, her brows shooting up. It was like she wasn’t nervous at all.
Well, she did have time to prepare for this. Em thought.
Shae shifted on her feet, “Yeah, she told me. That okay with you?”
Em peered into Shae’s room, to her bed. Her bedsheets were twisted, one side pulled halfway off the bed.
The thought of the two of them lying there together, tangled up in those sheets, rolled through her, causing her stomach to knot.
Honestly, she didn’t know the answer to that question.
It both terrified her and intrigued her.
Her fingers twisted at the ring on her thumb, spinning it in mindless circles.
“I mean, I could sleep on the couch if you...”
“No,” Shae interrupted, moving toward her, “Don’t do that.”
She stopped in front of Em, reaching up to tuck an errant strand of hair behind Em’s ear before taking her hand and leading her into the bedroom.
Em’s heart stuttered inside her chest. A touch from Shae, however simple, always made her feel something.
Always made her brain linger in the moment a while longer.
“Well, you know where everything is,” Shae said, releasing her hand and shutting the door behind them. “Nothing’s changed.”
Em rocked back on her heels as the two of them stood facing one another.
“I’m gonna,” she pointed to the bathroom, a moment of awkward silence passing between the two of them.
Shae nodded as Em hurried past her to the bathroom, swiftly closing the door behind her, pressing her back against it.
She was finally able to let out a full breath.
At this point, Lennon was the ultimate meddler, and she was either going to kill her tomorrow or thank her; she wasn’t sure which yet.
She dropped her backpack to the floor and paced the length of the bathroom, her fingers laced tightly behind her head. Trying and failing at keeping her thoughts from spilling out all at once.
What was Shae thinking right now? And how was she so fucking calm? Maybe she didn’t expect anything intimate to happen? Maybe they’d just fall asleep, and that would be it.
Em doubted that last thought, but she had to consider it. And if that was the case, how would that make her feel? Would she feel rejected if all they did was sleep?
Ugh. Her brain burned.
What did she want? That was the real question and one she hadn’t fully asked herself.
Shae was the only person she’d ever been truly intimate with. She’d kissed others, made out, sure. But no one had ever touched her the way Shae had. No one had ever seen her that way. It had only ever been Shae.
Em’s thoughts were spiraling, and she knew she was going to drive herself crazy if she continued this. She was searching for answers that might not come tonight, and that was okay. It had to be.
As overwhelming as it all was, she needed to slow down and ride this wave.
She’d waited years for this moment. She’d wanted her first everything to be with Shae.
And it almost had been... until she ruined it for herself.
She’d been the one to break Shae’s heart.
And maybe, in some way, she’d broken her own, too.