59. Blake
Blake
“I’m not sure what I was thinking, Luke. Next time we get in a fight, can we start with this?” I chuckle as we lay in bed tangled in the sheets, our skin coated in sweat.
“You say that now because you’re in a post sex bliss, B.” Luke caresses my hair.
“No, I’m serious. Ana asked me what I was doing, and I couldn’t answer her. I was more miserable with you gone than I was mad at you here.” I sigh. “But for me, it was more than what you said, Luke. It was all the things you didn’t say with words, but with your actions. You didn’t need me.”
“I need you. What do you mean?”
“When the accident happened, and you were at your lowest, you confided in everyone else, your parents, Isa, but held me at arm’s length.” A tear trickles down my cheek.
He drops his head. “B, all I needed was you, but I didn’t know how to show it. I know how stressful opening the bar has been and then you compound that with your fight with April, it’s a lot. It felt selfish to lean on you. I thought I was doing the right thing.”
“I should have said something earlier.” I sigh.
“You had every right to be pissed at me. I said things I didn’t mean and I should have never said.” He lays a gentle kiss on the top of my head. “But, B, you also need to fight fair.”
“What?” I look up at him, genuinely curious about what he means by that.
I place my hand on his to let him know we're good, I need to hear what he has to say. “You kind of backed me in a corner, B. One second you’re upset that you thought I didn’t need you, and then you’re also upset that I wanted you to need me. I feel like I can’t win sometimes.”
I ponder what he says for a minute, and he’s right.
I lay a gentle kiss on his lips and look up into his hazel eyes with every intention of demanding more of our kiss. My intentions are interrupted by his alarm. He groans.
“I thought you had today off,” I protest as I pull the blankets over us and snuggle in.
“I do, but I have a therapy appointment in an hour. I won’t be gone long. Stay right here. I’ll bring breakfast home,” he requests with subtle urgency.
“Luke, it’s already 9:00. By the time you finish, it will be lunchtime.” I roll into him. “I didn’t know you were in therapy.”
“I was in therapy after DJ died, and again while going through my divorce. I started going again after I spiraled when Adam came into the hospital. It resurfaced a lot of shit for me.” His voice is low, laced with a tone I haven’t heard before.
“I thought Adam was doing better?”
“He is, but with us still not talking, I kept going so I could work on myself. Be a better version of myself, this made me realize that I still have a lot to work through and that takes time. I have to allow myself the time.” He sighs.
I get up and walk to the shower. “What are you doing?” he asks
“I think I’ll go with you. We can work on ourselves, together as a couple. If nothing else, I’ll wait outside and we can go get lunch afterwards,” I suggest.
“I would love that. She urges her patients to bring family members with them to support the process. I’ll talk to her when we get there.” His smile brightens up the room.
We quickly get dressed, grab a coffee from the cart at the hospital, and now I’m sitting in the therapist’s lobby’s office waiting for Luke to come get me. The therapist said she wanted to meet with Luke alone, and then meet us together.
I take a slow sip of my coffee, the bitter warmth doing little to steady the frantic swirl of nerves bouncing around in my stomach like loose marbles.
The idea of therapy has always felt distant.
An abstract concept for other people. But now, sitting here, waiting, I feel the weight of what I’m about to step into.
It’s not just therapy. It’s therapy with someone else, with Luke, a shared unraveling of truths I’m not sure we are ready to face.
My hands tremble slightly when the therapist comes out and calls my name to join her and Luke in her office.
When I walk in the door, the first thing I notice is Luke standing facing me.
The office is a blend of calm and clinical.
I have no doubt it is designed to put you at ease without letting you forget you are here.
Soft muted tones of beige and gray cover the walls, accented by two pieces of abstract artwork in gentle blues and greens.
A pair of mid-century armchairs sits across from a plush oversized couch where Luke is standing.
All of it angled around a small glass coffee table in the center.
A faint scent of lavender drifts through the space, likely from a diffuser on a shelf nearby.
There is a large window behind the chairs that lets in a great deal of natural light, even through the privacy of the tilted blinds.
I move next to Luke and we sit down next to each other, but he won’t let go of my hand. “I’m Bella,” the therapist says softly.
“Blake, nice to meet you,” I introduce myself, my voice more steady than I expected it would be.
“Let’s start with how you’re feeling right now.
Blake, you go first,” Bella requests. She is an older woman, likely in her late fifties.
She has dark hair with no traces of gray, but her eyes have light wrinkles in each corner.
They are soft, as if formed overtime by smiling.
Her words are very basic and straightforward, but her demeanor is soft and inviting. I see why Luke comes to see her.
“I’m a little nervous. I don’t know what to expect.” I turn to face Luke, “Have you done this before? I’m a little worried this could spark another fight between us.” I gesture between us with a worried expression.
Luke shifts in his seat, clearly nervous about it too.
“What makes you think that?” Bella asks, writing something in her notepad.
“Well, part of working on a relationship is talking about things that have happened so you can move past them, and we’re coming off a pretty big fight. We kind of broached the conversation earlier and it was good, we’re good, but I’m still nervous.”
“Was the fight big or were the feelings big?” she asks without taking her eyes off her notebook.
I pause. That’s one way of looking at it that hadn’t occurred to me. “I’m not sure.”
“That’s OK,” she has a soft smile. “Tell me what happened that led to the big fight.”
“There is a guy I met at a friend’s wedding before Luke moved back here.
We had a one-night stand, and I thought he was a pretty big jerk about it, and it made me question who I want to be, what I want for myself.
Well, it turns out-” I look at Luke, not sure what I can divulge about Cash since he’s volunteering here.
He reads my mind and interjects. “Cash,” he confirms with a nod.
Ok, we divulge everything here.
“He knows Luke, and-well, long story short, we were not on good terms because of a misunderstanding. Luke was really upset when he heard my accounts of what I thought he said about me. When Cash showed up to the soft opening of my bar with April, Luke’s sister, Luke lost it.
They got into a fight and ruined the night.
I was upset, but when we tried to talk about it the next morning emotions were high and Luke said some very hurtful things to me, so I packed a bag and left.
” I feel like I’m a little kid tattling right now.
“Where did you go?” she asks.
“The bar. I had to work.”
“Were you going to stay there?”
“I don’t actually know,” I admit.
“What did he say that upset you?” Bella asks.
“All I needed from him was a free place to live.” Luke shifts again in his seat, and I see him run his hands over his beard.
“Luke, what made you say that?” she asks.
He takes a long breath. “My ex wife was strong and independent, so much so that she never needed me. It’s hard to explain, baby,” he shifts towards me.
“I love how independent you are, how much you can do for yourself. It’s something I admire about you.
But, when you tell me you don’t need me to take care of you, or protect you, it guts me.
I need you to need me. Otherwise, what will keep you with me? ” He looks away.
I tighten my grip on his hand, hoping he will look at me.
I decide it’s better if I just say the quiet part out loud.
“Luke, you-you will keep me with you. I love you. I’m not going to cheat on you or leave you.
Baby, I don’t need you to protect me and take care of me, but I want you to.
I tried to tell you this before. Needing you means things like the soft opening will happen again, because you will feel the need to step in and take charge, protect me, because I can’t do it myself, but I can.
Luke, I am very sorry I lash out and have big reactions.
” I pause for a moment before continuing.
“But I finally understand how you feel, because I wanted you to need me too, but it just dawned on me, this is what we need to work on. We can’t rely on each other to be complete, we’re both perfect the way we are.
Wanting you is a choice, needing you means I’m not enough on my own.
Luke, I’m finally whole, and your presence, it just enhances my life.
In so many ways. I chose you because you bring me joy, passion, and connection, and that’s all I’ve always wanted.
” I shake my head, trying to register our conversation, empathizing with how broken he truly is.
Luke carries things I didn’t realize. Noel’s cheating on him scarred his heart, even though he wasn’t in love with her.
I get lost in this thought as Bella turns her attention to Luke.
He is strong and confident and, most of the time, he is my voice of reason.
But I realize he’s more complicated than that.
He is more broken than I realized and the thought peels back a small piece of armor I have built around my heart over the years, creating space for him I didn’t realize he hadn’t already occupied.
Five minutes ago I thought he held all of my heart, but at this moment I am realizing how much more I could love him.
But, shit, I’m scarred too. I never saw them until now
I understand why April was so worried about us coming together right now. She saw the scars and frayed edges that decorate both our hearts, ones only someone from the outside looking in with true love could see. I also realize how na?ve I've been.
Love is not just being there for people how they want you, it’s being there in the ways they need you, even if it’s difficult and creates friction. This is a lot like the love most parents have for their children, a love I never experienced, so I couldn’t recognize it in her and got pissed instead.
I don’t know how to make things between us better, but I know listening to Luke and loving him is a step in the right direction.