51
After three tests, the overwhelming results are in. I’m pregnant.
I want a baby. I do, but not now. Not like this.
I want to stay in school. I want to finish my degree.
I want to be with Brooks. I try to picture us with a baby, but we’re older, and I’ve figured out who I am and who I want to be.
I can’t be in charge of a tiny human. I have only just moved into the first phase of my adult life, and I’m not ready to give that up.
No, that’s selfish. What if Brooks wants the baby?
Who am I kidding? He won’t want a baby. What if I don’t tell him?
I’ll go over there, beg him to forgive me for last night and go to the doctor on Monday.
He never has to know. No, wait. I can’t do that.
He’d find out eventually and think I lied to him.
He’d see it as a betrayal and leave me. This is his baby, too, and he deserves to know.
I brush out my now dry, matted hair and scoop it up in a ponytail.
I have to tell him now, or I never will.
I slowly walk over to Brooks’ apartment, taking deep breaths to calm my nerves and the nausea that doesn’t seem to want to go away.
Lifting my hand, I take one last deep breath and knock on the door.
There’s movement in the apartment. I’m nervous about his reaction, but there’s also an overwhelming sense of calm just knowing that he’s close.
The front door swings open, but he walks away without even saying hello.
“Can I come in?” I ask from the open doorway.
“I opened the door, didn’t I?” he replies coolly, taking a seat on the couch.
“Did you get any sleep?” I ask, entering the apartment and closing the door behind me.
“Some. You’re looking a little better.” I take a seat on the couch next to him as he slumps back.
“Last night can’t ever happen again.” He lifts his hand and rests it on my knee.
His touch sends tingles up my thigh, and I lose my nerve to speak.
“I hated seeing you with that guy. I don’t ever want to see someone else touch you again. ”
My heart leaps. “I know, and you have no idea how truly sorry I am. For everything. But…that’s not what I came here to talk about.” He looks at me, waiting for me to go on. I swallow. “You know how I’ve been feeling a little unwell lately?”
“I already told you, you drank way too much last night.” He brings his hand to my back. This is the touch that I’ve been craving since last night, and all I want is to crawl into bed and have him hold me.
“It’s not that,” I stammer, trying to find the words.
“Fuck, Abi. What are you even talking about then?” He throws his hands up. “Spit it out. If it’s not Harper or the fight last night, then I don’t know.”
“I’m pregnant,” I say, cutting him off completely. The tears start to prick my eyes, but I blink them back. His mouth drops open in complete shock.
“But I always use a condom.”
“We do, but there was one time, in the bath, when we, umm, we didn’t.” An overwhelming need to not be sitting down anymore takes over, and I stand up, turn and face him.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“And it’s mine?” The anger starts to spread into his eyes as he furrows his brow and clenches his jaw.
“Of course, it’s yours, Brooks. Who else would it be?”
Brooks stands from the couch, his body only centimetres away from mine. He looks at me, his eyes full of fire.
“Well, get rid of it,” he orders, glancing down at my stomach.
My arms instinctively cling around my waist. I knew he wasn’t going to be happy, but I at least hoped that he would ask what I wanted to do. He screws up his face as if the mere thought of me carrying his baby disgusts him. “Brooks, shouldn’t we talk about–”
“Are you making this up?” His voice doesn’t sound like his. It’s harsh, and his words seem rushed, like his mouth can’t keep up with the thoughts that are raging through his head.
“What is wrong with you?” I say, reaching for his hands, hoping that it will bring back my Brooks. The one who slings his arms around my shoulders and makes me feel safe. My finger grazes his, and he pulls his hand away.
“With me? Nothing’s wrong with me. One minute you’re drunk off your ass grinding up on some asshole like a fucking stripper, and now this. Did you want my attention? Well, you’ve got it.”
“I didn’t plan this. I didn’t cheat on you. I’m not making this up. I just… I don’t–”
“This was a mistake.” He cuts me off sharply. I attempt to search his eyes for answers, but all I see is anger. “This. Us. You. It was all a mistake. I should never have kissed you at that party. I didn’t even want you. I had Harper lined up that night.”
His words feel like a knife stabbing my heart with each syllable.
This whole time, I knew it was too good to be true.
It never felt like he was completely mine, and I knew, I knew I wasn’t good enough for him, and now he’s admitting that he’s known it the whole time, too.
I was a fool. Of course, I could never be someone’s first choice.
“Then why did you kiss me?” I ask, the tears building up. I can no longer hold them back.
The edges of his lips quirk into a wicked smirk at the sight of me so upset.
“Because Sam wanted you, and I was bored.”
I feel like he’s punched my gut, winding me, causing all of the air to leave my body.
I start for the door, reaching for the handle, gasping back tears before turning back to face him.
“But you came to see me on your birthday. You could have ended things after that first weekend, kept ignoring me, but you sought me out.”
“Sam was running his mouth off about you at the pub that night. I didn’t like it. I knew if I just gave you a little attention, you’d choose me. Everything just spiralled after that.”
Goosebumps sting the back of my neck as a hard-stone lump settles in my throat.
“So, this whole time. You never even wanted me? You were just screwing with Sam?” I shake my head. “But why would you end things with Harper to be with me?”
“Open your eyes, Abi. I never ended things with her. I’ve been screwing Harper this entire time.”
A sharp pain in my chest causes my breath to quicken.
I can’t be here anymore. The apartment is getting smaller, the air growing thicker, choking me.
I open the door and take one step out when he clears his throat to say something.
I look back at him through the tears, hoping that he’s going to take it all back and tell me that he’s sorry.
“Why don’t you go run to Sam? Though I doubt even he would want that baby,” he snaps, his unfamiliar arctic eyes burning into me. I hunch over as uncontrollable sobs escape my throat. I’ve been such an idiot. I thought he loved me. I thought he’d chosen me. I slam the door behind me.
“FUCK!” Brooks’ enraged cry echoes through the courtyard, followed by a loud smash against the door behind me.
I jump at the sound and break into a sprint across the courtyard.
My foot catches on a loose brick, and I lose my balance, crashing down on my hands and knees.
Luna swings the door open, rushing over to me, helping me sit up.
I can’t get any words out between heaving sobs.
My body is no longer able to move. Gaia rushes outside, and they both help me up and guide me back into the apartment.