52
“I’m going over there,” I say, staring down at my stomach. I brush my fingers over my belly, trying to imagine what I’d look like with a bump.
“Are you sure?” Luna asks, worry stains her face.
“I need to talk to him. I can’t fucking sit here anymore,” I say, not wanting to lose my sudden nerve.
“Careful, with that potty mouth, you’re starting to sound like me,” Luna jokes, and I can’t help but laugh. I always thought the language she used was unnecessary, but today, I’m feeling inspired to take a page out of her book.
I’ve been standing at Brooks’ door for what feels like forever, having knocked a few times. I jingle the handle again to see if it has magically unlocked itself.
“He’s not there,” a voice says from behind me. I turn to see Harper standing on the stairs, coming down from Sam’s apartment.
“Where is he?” I ask, trying to hold back my tears. Her expression changes. She was confident, ready for a cat fight, but her features have softened now. A wash of understanding falls over her eyes.
“Visiting his uncle.” She takes a few steps, almost floating down into the courtyard. “He called me. He was pissed about something but wouldn’t tell me what. He said he needed to get away.” She pauses, assessing my expression. “We talk. We’re friends.”
“Friends. Is that all?” Brooks’ words play through my mind. My brain tortures me by playing them over and over. He never stopped seeing her.
“Sometimes,” she answers honestly. “I’ve been around for years.
I’m used to the way Brooks treats me. Maybe a little too used to it.
” She takes another few steps forward, closing the gap between us.
“I can tell you’re a sweet girl. Can I give you some advice?
” I don’t say anything, but I have a feeling she’s going to give it to me regardless.
“Don’t let Brooks treat you like your feelings don’t matter.
If I were you, I’d get out before you fall in love and it’s too late. ” She looks down at her hands.
“Too late,” I mutter under my breath. My hand falls from the door handle as I turn to leave. I walk past Harper towards my apartment without looking back.
The rest of my weekend is filled with horror movies.
I wasn’t in the mood for rom-coms. Luna lied to Sam and told him a stomach bug was going through the apartment, and we were in lockdown.
Gaia and Luna hovered quietly around me.
Bringing me food that I couldn’t stomach and encouraging me to take regular sips of water.
I fell asleep on the couch, not wanting to go to bed alone.
One of them pulled a blanket up around me.
I woke up in the middle of the night and thought I was in Brooks’ bed, his arm wrapped tightly around my waist, but when I opened my eyes, I realised it was just the blanket.
My heart broke all over again. I sobbed into the pillow until the sweet relief of sleep saved me from my dark thoughts.
Luna took the day off from classes to take me to the clinic.
When the nurse called my name, I clutched onto Luna’s hand, silently begging her to come with me.
The nurse took some blood before taking us into a room for an ultrasound.
Luna held my hand the entire time. I didn’t want to look at the screen, but I heard the technician confirm that I was seven weeks pregnant.
I kept my eyes fixed on the tree out the window, blowing in the breeze, too scared to look at the screen.
I thought I would make it through the appointment without crying until I heard a whoomph sound, like a skipping rope whizzing past my ears.
Back in the doctors’ room, they explained that I only had thirteen days before an early medical abortion would no longer be an option.
I would have to take two pills to terminate the pregnancy.
I tried to listen and take in everything they had to tell me, but their voices kept coming in and out of focus, like I was on a train and couldn’t hear the announcement, no matter how hard I strained.
They said something about a second tablet, which is the one that completes the termination.
Once the bleeding begins, they said, it will be painful, and I shouldn’t be alone.
I’m sitting on the couch in my pyjamas, picking at the fish and chips Luna brought home for me, even though I told her not to.
I’ve been feeling sick the past couple of days.
I’m not sure if it’s the morning sickness or the fact that Brooks’ abandonment is slowly sinking in.
I feel empty, like a strong hand has been thrust into my chest and ripped out my heart, leaving a giant gaping hole.
It hurts to breathe. It hurts to cry. It hurts to do anything that involves being awake.
“When were you thinking of taking the pills?” Luna asks, looking over at the paper bag on the kitchen bench. We’d gone past the chemist on our way home from the clinic. I had placed the bag on the bench the second I walked through the door. The mere sight of it makes my stomach churn.
“I need to talk to Brooks first.” I look down at my untouched food in an attempt to avoid the pity in her eyes.
“Are you sure you’re not changing your mind?”
“No, I’m not changing my mind. I’m going to go through with it. I just think he should know what I’m doing before I do it, that’s all.”
“And what if you don’t hear from him in time?
” She scoops her hair up in both hands and pulls it up into a messy bun with a green scrunchie.
I try to force a smile. I know she’s being supportive, but I wish she would stop.
She’s putting doubts in my mind. Since finding out, all I’ve wanted to do is talk to Brooks, but she’s right.
What if he doesn’t call me back? What if he doesn’t come home?
I can’t make this choice without him. But Luna’s words start a countdown clock in my mind, and it flashes thirteen days in red neon.
There are nine days left, and I’m hiding in the bathroom, hoping Luna doesn’t hear me leave yet another voicemail for Brooks.
“Please, Brooks, call me back. We need to talk,” I say softly into my phone.
“I love you. I need you to be here with me. I don’t want to do this without you.
I can’t do this without you. I need you to tell me what you think I should do.
I need you, please.” I end the call before his voicemail has a chance to cut me off again.
Looking at my reflection in the mirror, all I can see are dark circles of exhaustion clouding my face.
I still can’t bring myself to sleep in my bed alone.
I tried to, but looking over at Brooks’ side only caused the tears to start falling, and soon after, I was a sobbing mess, still alone in my cold bed.
I turn the tap on, watching the water flow and fall directly down the drain.
There’s a knock on the door, but I ignore it.
It’s Luna or Gaia or both. They’re always hovering.
Checking in on me. My hands cup under the cold water, creating a pool, and I throw it onto my face, hoping that it will wake me from this nightmare, but when I open my eyes, I still only see a pathetic mess that will never be good enough.
Four more days have been counted down in my mind as I pull open the door to the diner.
I’ve spent the last hour walking up and down the street, trying to build up the nerve to go in and talk to Helen.
I need to know if he’s ok. I take a seat on a stool at the counter and look over the menu in front of me, even though I have no intention of ordering any food.
Brooks’ silence has turned me into a stalker.
The next level up from this is buying night vision goggles and camouflage, so I can stake out in the bushes.
“Good morning, dear. I haven’t seen you in a while. What can I get for you?” Helen asks from behind the counter. I look up at her from the menu, hoping that my desperation isn’t plastered all over my puffy face. She places her hand on mine, looking back at me with sympathetic eyes.
“Have you heard from him?” I ask quietly.
“No, I haven’t. But I spoke to his uncle.” She lightly rubs the back of my hand. “He didn’t say much, but Brooks is with him. He’s going through some things. We just need to give him some space.” And by we she means me. I try to sniff back the tears, hoping they don’t betray me.
“This too shall pass,” she whispers. I look up at her. Brooks’ tattoo appears in my mind as his mother’s words ring in my ears. I hope she’s right. I need this to pass. I need it to pass now.
Ten days have passed–only three left. The pressure of it builds in my mind. I’m lying in bed with my head buried under the blanket. Luna is cleaning the apartment, and I can’t take the noise anymore.
There’s a knock at the front door, and for a moment, my heart is hopeful that it’s Brooks, but when I hear Sam’s voice asking Luna if she needs anything for her lingering stomach bug, my heart breaks all over again.
He doesn’t love me. He said it himself, he was bored, that’s the only reason we were ever together.
But the way he held me against his body was so convincing.
The way he called me ‘Baby’ couldn’t have all been a lie.
I don’t know what I want to do. I can’t imagine having a baby right now.
I don’t want to do this alone, but here I am. All alone.
Well, not all alone. I look down at my stomach and try to imagine having a belly, but it doesn’t look right.
None of this feels real. Why couldn’t this have happened to someone else?
Someone lovable. Someone whose boyfriend wants to stay with them.
I don’t want this, being dumped and left alone to deal with this decision.
If it weren’t for this baby, Brooks would have forgiven me for that stupid night out, and we’d be together right now.
But instead, I am here with a baby growing inside of me, and the time I have to take those pills is running out.
I pull back the blanket and sit up, straining my neck to peer out the window in an attempt to check and see if I can see Brooks’ apartment from my bedroom, even though I know I can’t.
Giving up, I lay back down, pulling the blanket up again and plunging my world into complete darkness.
I picture his front door behind the wall of plants and try to imagine him in his apartment, sitting on the couch, watching football with a beer in his hand.
He looks up at me and smiles, tapping the spot next to him where he likes me to sit.
I lay down, resting my head on his chest as he pulls me close.
I listen to his steady heartbeat. It’s soothing enough to fall asleep.
“If it’s a boy, I think we should name him Nathan, and if it’s a girl, I like Sophia. What do you think?” he whispers, bringing his hand up to my hair. He loops a wavy lock around his finger and twirls it around and around.
“I think I can’t wait to have this baby with you. I’m so glad you came back.” I trace the outline of his abs through his tight t-shirt and look down at my stomach. It’s big. The baby should be coming any day.
“I was an idiot. Of course, I want you and our baby.” He brings his hand to my chin, lifting my face so I can look into his beautiful eyes.
I hope our baby has those eyes. I push myself up so that my lips brush against his.
He brings his face down lower to meet mine, our lips teasingly begging to let us kiss deeper.
There’s a loud clanging sound, like two pots slamming together.
I snap my head towards the kitchen. No one’s there.
Another loud clang. I turn back to Brooks to ask him what the noise is, but he’s gone.
“Brooks?”
I sit up, looking around the empty apartment. I’m alone. At least I still have our baby. I look down at my belly. It’s not big anymore, as if nothing was ever there. I’m completely alone. The room goes dark. Another loud clang.
My eyes spring open. The banging and crashing had penetrated my closed door and into my dreams. Luna calls out that she’s sorry for the noise.
I let out a sigh and pull the blanket tighter over my head, praying for my sweet dream to come back, but it’s no use.
I’m awake, and Brooks isn’t holding me anymore.
I feel a pinch near my bladder and bring my hand to my stomach, stroking it softly.
I thought this constant need to pee happened later in pregnancy.
I let out an aggravated huff as I throw the blanket off my body.
I drag myself out of my room, towards the bathroom and close the door without looking up at Luna, even though I know she’s watching, waiting for me to say something.
But what am I going to say? Nothing’s changed.
I’m lost without Brooks, and I’m no closer to deciding what I want to do about this pregnancy.
I pull my sweatpants down, letting them drop to my ankles and take a seat on the toilet.
I look down and notice that something doesn’t look right in my underwear.
I pull them up towards my knees to get a closer look.
There’s something red. It’s blood. That doesn’t make sense. My breath catches.
“LUNA!”
I rip off toilet paper from the roll and wipe, holding the paper in my hand to inspect it. More blood. No, no, no. I still had three more days. I hadn’t decided. This wasn’t supposed to happen. This was supposed to be my choice.
“LUNA!”
Visions of Brooks and me snuggling on the couch, thinking of baby names, pop into my mind, then they slowly fade out to nothing. I’ve lost Brooks, and now I’m going to lose his baby. I can’t do anything right. I caused this. I had wished that I had never gotten pregnant.
I throw the paper in the toilet and wipe again, still blood. When is it going to stop? I want to go back to bed. I want to go back to being blissfully unaware of what’s happening inside my body.
“LUNA!”