64
Brooks is the first thing I see when I walk into the park, sitting on the bench near the basketball court.
He’s looking down at his phone and doesn’t notice me until I’m a few metres away.
He jumps up as soon as he sees that I’m here, but he doesn’t walk towards me.
He just waits. His appearance is almost dishevelled with stubble growing on his normally smooth jaw and hair that is usually trimmed every few weeks, looking overgrown and slightly shaggy.
With each stride I take, I close the distance between us.
My heart thumps in my chest. I have been dreading this very moment since the day I fled to Gaia’s apartment.
His sad chocolate eyes look back at me while he forces a friendly smile.
I sit down on the bench without saying a word.
He takes his seat beside me, and I silently pray that he can’t hear my heartbeat.
“Thanks for meeting with me.” His voice is different to how I remember it.
It’s softer, or maybe even a little afraid.
I have never seen Brooks like this, without his trademark overconfidence and sly smirk.
It’s a relief to see that he’s almost as miserable as I was when he first left.
I watch his eyes as they gently float down my body and land on my stomach.
Where our baby used to be.
“I’m not pregnant anymore,” I blurt out.
“You had the abortion?” He looks up, his eyes threatening to destroy everything I’ve been trying to repair.
For a second, I’m tempted to tell him everything, but I’m not sure how he’d react knowing the truth.
I stare back at him, determined not to let him shake me.
Relief flashes over his face as he releases a deep breath.
We sit in silence for a few minutes, and I let the news sink in.
A cold breeze whips through the park, causing me to shiver.
“Are you cold?” He starts to remove his jacket.
“I’m fine.” I put my hand on his arm, telling him to stop.
I don’t want his jacket, but I do want to let my hand linger on his arm for a little longer.
He places his hand on top of mine, and I prepare myself to feel the tingling sensation I’m so used to, but the tingles don’t come.
I should be relieved to discover that he doesn’t have the same effect anymore, but all it does is prove that there’s something broken inside of me.
“Is that the only reason why you wanted to meet me? To find out if I was pregnant?”
“No. I wanted to see you. The way we left things was fucked up.”
“You mean the way you left things.” Tears start to build behind my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall.
“I couldn’t deal. I needed time to wrap my head around everything. I didn’t mean for you to have the abortion alone.” As he says the words, I have to fight to keep the tears from spilling out.
“I wasn’t alone. Luna and Gaia were with me every step of the way.
” He smiles in relief. I assume knowing that I wasn’t alone removes some of his guilt, and the thought that I made him feel better makes me angry.
He slides off the seat to kneel in front of me.
Panic rises in my stomach. For months, all I’ve wanted is to hear him say he loves me, but even if he does, how can I trust his words?
He left when I needed him the most, and anything he says is too little, too late.
“I’m here now, and I was hoping we could talk. I, ah, I miss you.” He places his hands on my knees and lowers his head down onto them, avoiding all eye contact.
I push him away. I guess I was wrong. How could I be so stupid?
Of course, he doesn’t love me. You don’t run out and abandon someone you love.
He rubs his hand under his nose as he sniffs.
Is he crying? I try to focus on his face, but he stands and takes his seat back next to me on the bench, and I look away.
A mother pushes her baby in a pram around the walking track, and my heart sinks into my stomach, leaving an empty hole in my chest.
“What do you want, Brooks?”
“I want you,” he whispers. His words take me by surprise.
“But you said you didn’t want this anymore. You said this was all a mistake, that we… me… that I was a mistake. You said that you had been with Harper the entire time and that the only reason why you were with me was to get to Sam.”
“I lied. Okay? I only said those things to hurt you. I haven’t been with Harper since before I told you that I’d only see you. But I knew if I said those things it would make you leave. I just needed you to leave.”
“So that you could leave?” I finish his sentence for him, and he nods slowly. He almost looks vulnerable, but only for a split second, before his eyes grow hard. I stand up. This was a mistake. I never should have agreed to meet him.
“But I’m back now. Fuck! Why can’t you just get over it?
” he asks, slightly raising his voice and standing in front of me, blocking my path.
“Do you think you can do better? You’re acting like you’ve forgotten what it was like to be with me.
I know you haven’t. You were happy, and we both know that no guy is ever going to make you feel the way I can.
No one will ever kiss you as deeply. No one is ever going to make your body scream with pleasure the way I do.
I know you, Abigail. I know your body, and I know the way your mind works.
You’re mine, and you’re always going to be mine.
” He places his hand on my chin and lifts my head, forcing me to look into his eyes.
He pulls my face closer to his, and for a second, despite myself, I hope that he’s going to kiss me.
He brings his face closer, brushing his lips against mine.
His lips part, and I taste the familiar sweetness of his tongue as he runs it over my lips.
I sigh deeply, my body wanting to give in, desperate to feel that spark again.
A basketball slams against the backboard behind me, snapping me out of my trance.
“Brooks!” I shout, angrily wiping his kiss from my lips. “You can’t just kiss me.” I shove him away.
“I don’t want to just kiss you. We can try again. We can make it better.” He lifts his hands in an attempt to catch mine, but I push past him.
“I don’t want to be with you, Brooks,” I yell, hoping that he hears my words and lets me leave.
“You don’t mean that. You love me. I know you do.” He follows me, jerking on my hand, hard, forcing me to turn around.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t.” I pull my hand out of his grip.
“You’ll change your mind, and I’ll be waiting. I’m the only guy for you, and you know it.”
“That’s not true,” I whisper. Brooks furrows his brow as his fists bunch at his sides.
“Don’t tell me you’ve already rushed to Sam? Surely, you can’t have replaced me with that spineless dickhead?”
A strong urge to defend Sam fills my body with renewed energy, starting in my toes and bubbling up towards my mouth.
“You call him spineless, and yet you’re the one who ran away like a scared little boy the moment things between us got too hard.
Sam would never have treated me the way you did.
But to answer your question; no, I have not rushed to Sam.
The pain you caused me is going to take a lot longer than that to heal.
But thank you for showing me that I have made the right decision.
I was scared of coming here today and facing you, and now I’m the one who is going to leave, because you don’t deserve me, Brooks, and I think we both know that you never did. ”
I turn to walk away again, expecting him to try and stop me, but he doesn’t.
Tears spill from my eyes as I leave the park and walk out onto the street.
I wipe my face with my sleeve. I can’t believe I just did that.
My hands begin to shake, and I squeeze my fists closed until my nails dig into my palms. What did I just do?
He was willing to give me everything I have ever wanted.
Another chance to be loved by him, to be wanted, and here I am, walking away.
Where do I go now? Home? Back to Gaia’s?
I pull out my phone, about to call Luna, when I look up and see her leaning against her car, waiting for me.
I walk toward my best friend and take her hand. I’m not sure what comes next, but for right now, this feels like enough.