Chapter 19 River
River
All was quiet at the circus.
River knew this kind of silence well, though it had been years since she’d last heard its uniquely hollow quality—a yawning,
eager emptiness, waiting to be filled up with music and spectators. For now, the performers sat in their closed tents, stretching
out sore limbs and resting tired eyes before donning their costumes for another night of dazzling spectacle. The rides and
food stalls stood unattended, looking much more worn down in daytime than they did under the evening’s glowing magicked orbs.
River and Celine had landed inside the carousel. There was no ride attendant to make it spin. No other guests to sit on the
paint-chipped benches or atop the backs of faded pastel figures of horses and dragons.
Celine’s eyes were rimmed red from tears. A sleeve of her blouse had been scorched by her own flames.
“I knew we would be safe here,” River said.
“The last thing the performers want to do with their time off is walk around the grounds. And in all my years in the guild, I’ve never heard another assassin express an interest in seeing what a circus looks like during the day.
Good thing is, if anyone does happen to find us, I suppose you can just blast them with fire, right?
” She needed to address this as soon as possible, or she might let Celine do what she always did—fascinate her in some other way, discussing a book she’d read, or an idea she’d wanted to explore, or a memory she’d held on to in stunning completion.
It had all been a distraction. Smoke and mirrors Celine had put up to hide behind.
Yes, the circus was the right place to go, indeed. Celine was just as much a performer as the rest of these people.
“You can recite conversations we had almost fifteen years ago like they just happened yesterday,” River said. “You recall
details about the people we meet like you’re not a person but an encyclopedia. Yet just now you set those men on fire with
your hands. That was magic, I know it was.”
Celine said nothing, biting her lip to keep it from trembling.
“I’ve known for a while you had a secret,” River continued. “I’ve been falling over myself trying to figure out what it could
be. I never could’ve guessed this.”
The silence pressed down on her. She wished for music or spectacle to distract her from the suffocating pain of this betrayal,
but she had nothing but her own feelings, as she was finally forced to confront them in their entirety.
“Say something!” she shouted.
“I was born with the hand magic gift of fire.” Celine’s voice was so quiet that even the silence seemed to lean in to hear
her. “I don’t know how to control it. I can’t conjure it at will, and I can’t make it stop at will, either. I learned a very
long time ago that the best way to prevent the fire from starting was to distract myself. I buried the threat of magic with
curiosity and knowledge and obsessive attention to detail. For years, it’s worked. But something in me broke inside that tunnel.
The way they framed Galwell. The mimic killing those men. The guards harassing me. Knowing the harpies had made my volatile
magic even stronger. I couldn’t stop the fire from rising up.”
Fresh tears fell down her cheeks. She wiped them away, but it was fruitless. New ones came just as fast.
River had the overwhelming urge to comfort her. She wanted to hold Celine until the tears stopped. Tell her everything was going to be okay. But that would be another lie.
And River was done with lies.
Instead, she dug her nails into her palms. The sensation was dissatisfying. Nothing distracted her from the hurt.
“I have never had everlasting memory,” Celine continued. “At least not magically so.”
“I see,” River said.
“Whatever it is you think of me now, believe me, I’ve thought it of myself for far longer and with much more loathing. So
go ahead and see me as the real dangerous one between us. I already knew it would happen this way. I’ve never wanted to be
defined by this magic, but I suppose I can’t stop that anymore.”
“You thought I would reject you for this,” River said. “But I don’t care at all about your ‘dangerous’ fire power. When have
you ever known me to fear danger?”
Celine said nothing, shoulders trembling as she leaned against a lavender carousel horse.
“Exactly. I know you didn’t mean to kill those men, as evil as they seemed to be. Who would I be to judge you for that? I’m
an assassin for a guild that might have been making me kill people far more innocent than those men anyway. I’ve gone along
with countless assignments without questioning the validity of the accused’s crimes. I might have killed a dozen Galwells
and not even known it.”
It was River’s turn to fight back tears.
“I care that I shared with you things I’ve never told another soul,” she continued, pushing past the dangerous quiver in her throat.
“I care that I trusted you, despite myself. I’ve never lied to you about my nature.
Yet all this time, you’ve been lying about what you can do.
Not just here. But always. For as long as I’ve known you, you’ve lied.
That’s what hurts the most. Everything about my life has been a lie.
The guild isn’t what they used to be. Maybe they never were.
And now this . . . this . . . thing with you and me—whatever it is—isn’t real, either.”
River shouldn’t have said it, but she couldn’t help herself. Why not suffer one last indignity by addressing the simmering
tension that had existed between them since the very first moment they reunited in the Mythrian alleyway? What did it matter
anymore if Celine didn’t feel it, too? Let it be one last thing for Celine to burn.
But Celine still had another surprise up her charred sleeve.
She kissed River hard, pressing them together with such intensity that they leaned into the handle of the wheel at the center
of the carousel. The ride began to lightly spin, with its accompanying music starting up in a gentle twinkle.
All of River’s anger floated away, replaced with insatiable curiosity. The feeling of Celine’s lips. The grip of her hand
on River’s neck. She was soft but determined. Shy yet commanding. It was a paradox of sensations, and River lost herself in
it, wrapping her arms around Celine, reaching under the fabric of her untucked blouse to feel for her skin beneath. She wanted
to know every last bit of her. Run her fingers through the muss of her curls.
“This is real,” Celine whispered, her breath quick and hot. “And I’ve wanted it forever.”
Words River had never even dreamed of hearing. Maybe to Celine, they were the truth. But to River, they were a fantasy.
All of this was.
River pushed Celine off her, wiping her mouth as if she could somehow erase the memory, the traitorous tingle of desire that
still coursed through her. “We’re done here.”
Oh, how she wished she could laugh. Or even cry.
But she could do nothing.
“If you’ve wanted me forever, you should’ve told me the truth much sooner,” she said. “I’m done playing pretend. I never want to see you again.”
She leapt from the edge of the carousel to the ground.
“Where are you going?” Celine called out after her.
River didn’t owe her an answer, but she gave one anyway. “No matter what happens, you and I will never work out, so why bother
pretending we can? It’s an insult to us both. I’m going after the guild. I’m taking them down before they can take me first,
and I’m making sure they don’t come after you, either. It’s my final act for you. Don’t bother to follow. Don’t try to find
me. Let me leave in peace.”
It didn’t matter if the guild itself no longer followed the rules. River still would. And she was done breaking the first
one she’d ever made for herself—never surrender your heart.
She rounded the corner, leaving Celine and the carousel behind for good. This would be the start of the rest of her life.
This would be how she fixed everything. As she walked, she forced herself to tilt her head toward the sun, hoping the brightness
would expedite her healing process. It already hurt too much, and she knew this was only a fragment of the pain to come.
She paused, squeezing her eyes shut, the blinding midday light turning the inside of her eyelids a glowing red.
It wasn’t much, but it was a start.
Until someone came up and sucker punched her in the face, and everything went dark.