Chapter Twelve
Levi
The sun is hot here heading toward the end of June, especially when there’s not a cloud in the sky.
Its rays beam down on Turtle Bay and over Adirondack Lake, making my view of the water as I drive home exactly the reason why tourists come from all over the country.
The water sparkles, and the mountains surrounding it look nothing short of something you’d see in a painting, with the deep and various shades of color from the Maple, Birch, Oak, Spruce, and Pine trees.
Within those mountains, right off the rocky shore, waterfalls can be found within hiking distance.
When I was younger, we’d all go there and splash around for hours.
As soon as Caiden, Callie’s twin brother, got the okay from their dad to start driving the boats, we’d pack it up with lunches and snacks and wind up spending the whole day soaking up the sun.
With an ache and pang of nostalgia, I remember how Krystal loved it the first time I brought her there.
If she were here, she’d be furious that I haven’t taken the time to enjoy any of it.
I remind myself that it wouldn’t hurt to take Tom and Callie up on their offer to have another one of those days sometime soon.
Callie’s family now has a few boats, and I could use a break.
Some time to get out of my own head. As I pass by the Cozy Pines Cafe, I absentmindedly wonder how Tris’s morning is going.
“I’m home,” I call out to Ellie as I walk through my door. She’s sprawled out on my living room couch, but what takes me by surprise are the pink bows clipped to her fur right behind her ears. “What the hell?”
She rolls over and off the couch, prancing toward me.
I brace myself for her weight that I already know is coming as she jumps and her paws land on my stomach.
I’ve barely finished taking in the bows that adorn her fur when I notice her nails.
.. They are pink. A deep laugh bellows out of me, and Ellie’s weight knocks me to the floor.
“I guess I know how the night went,” I say, rubbing her head, noticing for the first time that none of my belongings are torn apart across the room in shreds before standing back up. This time by Tris or Ellie. Usually, I come home to at least one thing chewed up and no longer recognizable.
After a long night of tossing and turning, Chief’s words repeating in my head and my conversation with Tom pressing down on me, I wasn’t sure what I’d be coming home to.
This wasn’t it.
I don’t have Tris’s phone number, so I couldn’t ask her how Ellie was or what they were doing, but it looks like it was time well spent.
I can only imagine little Miss stick up her ass sitting on the floor and polishing Ellie’s nails one by one.
And I bet Ellie loved every single second of it.
A smirk forms slowly on my face as the tight band that’s been wrapped around my chest for the last few weeks loosens slightly.
I know that I owe Tris an apology for what I said, but the woman would no sooner hear it than let me get past the first sentence.
Knowing her, she’d probably roll her eyes and walk away, but not before telling me to go to hell, the same hell that’s probably freezing over now because I’m over here trying to do the right thing and apologize.
Thanks to Ellie, at least I may actually have a chance for her to listen to me now.
Kicking off my shoes, I notice Tris left me a note on my counter along with my spare key. It’s written on purple-tinted paper, because of course it is. I roll my eyes, but my lip twitches up. On it is the most girly writing I’ve ever seen.
“Left for work. Ellie was a good girl. We played and had lots of treats. I put food in her bowl when I brought her back.
-Tris”
So she let her stay the night.
Good.
Relief hits me, but not as hard as the guilt that follows it. I look down at her note, and it crumples in my hand as my fist clenches around it.
“Fuck.”
I stare out of my kitchen window, at a loss.
There’s a war waging inside of me, and I’m not sure yet which side I stand on.
What I do know is that a man with no side is already as good as dead, which is exactly what I deserve.
But no, I’m here alive and well, which might be the sickest joke of all.
I stand here tortured between the woman I miss with every breath, who I promised my heart to, the one that can never love me back again, and the mere idea of caring about another.
I take in a long, labored breath, doing my best to fill my lungs.
Chief says I’ll never be happy if I hold onto the hurt.
But I don’t know how to let go, and worse than that, I’m not sure I deserve to be happy.
Before I’m able to spiral, Ellie nudges my hand and sits beside her leash that’s hanging by the door.
Of course, she wants to go for a walk, and I’m sure I know exactly where she wants to go.
“Good day, little Miss Ellie,” Tris says with a smile brighter than any I’ve ever seen her wear.
Her ashy blonde hair is pulled up on one side with a bow, identical to Ellie’s.
It makes me pause. Even I have to admit, it’s sweet that she would want to match her.
When she looks at Ellie, her eyes light up, and the ice within them melts.
That lasts for all of five seconds before her gaze shifts to me. “Levi.”
“Levi, huh?” My lip twitches up. “That sounds like a step up from asshole.”
A rare grin flashes on her face, quick, dangerous, and gone too soon. Her head tilts down as she tries to hide it, a few strands of hair falling in front of her face. “Yes, well, steps go both ways. I’m sure you’ll keep me on my toes.”
“Oh, I’m sure you’re right,” I say with a chuckle, ignoring the way my hand twitches to fix those stray strands of hair still out of place. “You girls have fun last night?”
Again, a small smile breaks through, like she can’t help it. “Yes, we did,” she says before hesitating. “I see you kept the bows in her hair.”
It’s a statement, but I catch the soft hitch in her voice, the way she waits for the answer like it might cost her something.
She glances between Ellie and me, like the fact that I kept them in surprises her. This isn’t really about the bows, it’s about the fact that I cared enough to keep them in. That I didn’t instantly undo something she put in place just to spite her.
“How could I? She seems to like them,” I pause. “And you.”
A light shade of pink spreads softly across her cheeks. “I like her too.”
“I was thinking,” I start, and no sooner do I get the words out than her eyes narrow at an almost comical speed. “Since you two get along so well, maybe you’d like to watch her when I’m at the fire house?”
Surprise flashes across her face. Her eyes widen quickly, and her mouth opens and shuts before returning to neutral indifference. It’s a look I can tell she has well practiced.
“You don’t have anyone else you’d prefer she spend time with over me?” She crosses her arms in front of her, putting that armor back into place.
I can see how badly she wants me to think that she doesn’t care.
To agree with her. To say something that will confirm what I’m sure she’s telling herself right now, what I’m convinced this whole town has been telling her her entire life.
Something close to what I told her a few weeks ago.
It’s more than just her believing that no one cares about her.
She believes that no one would ever choose her.
I see it now.
It’s as if someone has physically ripped off the blinders and screamed in my face, “Look at her!” Where my indifference to what others think about me is authentic, hers is a shield.
Underneath is a woman who wants to be seen as more than just the icy bitch everyone around here believes her to be.
Yes, that’s a part of who she is, and maybe that’s all she allowed others to see before she lost everything, but the woman who watches Ellie, who polishes her nails and spends her time playing with her, leaving bows in her fur, is much more than that.
She’s someone else entirely, and I can’t deny that whatever good parts of me are still left recognize those parts of her and are reaching for them.
I grind my teeth and push down the guilt, the grief, and everything else that wants to stop me in this moment and really look at her, seeing her.
“None of them are you,” I murmur and watch as the edge in her expression fades.
As it does, I take my chance, hoping that she won’t shut me down.
“I’m sorry for everything I said the other day and how I spoke to you. That was wrong of me.”
Her brows furrow, but before she can call me a liar, I keep going and double down.
“I was wrong and a jerk. I appreciate how much you care for Ellie, and she obviously cares for you. I think you might be her favorite person.”
As the words leave my mouth, Ellie’s front paws land on the counter, making Tris jump with a laugh. “You’re my favorite, too,” she tells her.
After a quick scratch behind the ear, we tell her to sit, and she listens, though I’m not sure to which of us.
“So what do you say?” I pull the spare key out from my pocket and hold it up between the two of us. Her gaze glides from Ellie to me, and her faint smile lingers before she presses her lips together, no doubt debating whether this is some kind of trick.
My eyes are fixed on her heart-shaped lips as her tongue peeks out, skimming the lower one and catching it between her teeth.
“Fine,” she sighs, opening her hand. “If that’s what you want.”
I clear my throat and grab the back of my neck with my free hand as heat shoots up my spine.
What was supposed to be about Ellie has quickly turned into something else entirely.
Worried that if I spend another second with her, I’ll say something I’ll regret, I place the key in her hand, tell her thank you, and head for the door.