Chapter Twelve #2
“Shit,” I curse under my breath once I’m a few steps away. When I look back over to the counter, I see she hasn’t moved and is still watching me. With a glance above me, I huff out a breath. “We should exchange numbers... in case something ever comes up.”
“Right,” she drawls, taking my phone from my hand. After a few seconds, she hands it back, a mischievous gleam in her eyes. “All set. I saved my number and texted myself.”
I nod, taking the phone. Before putting it back into my pocket, that glint in her eyes gives me pause, and I decide to check the message she sent.
She’s already back to work when my head falls back, shoulders shaking with laughter.
I stroke my beard as I shake my head at the one word she sent herself.
“Asshole.”
It’s in quotations, and when I look at her, there’s a grin so wide on her face that I know it’s meant for me and not the customer now standing in front of her.
Before I leave, her eyes meet mine. It’s only a split second before she looks away, but it’s the unfiltered light in her eyes that I carry with me in my mind as I finish my walk with Ellie and head back home.
The last few weeks have flown by and dragged all at once, trapping me in motion.
For the most part, I’ve been keeping busy with work.
We’ve tightened our drills, and I’m feeling really good about probie Mark’s hose management skills now.
Everyone surprised me during our forced door and throwing-ladders training.
Out of everyone, I didn’t expect Angela and Maria to be the fastest when it comes to getting through doors and using the jaws of life, but when I told them the scenario included two kids and a mother, it looked like the mama bears came out, and they were unstoppable.
I’ve been doing my best to build the team up since the talk with Chief to tone down my growl and bite.
I still have my days where I’d rather call it quits, and the overwhelming survivor’s guilt gets to me, but it’s becoming bearable.
Some things never really go away. I’m learning to grow around it, how to allow it to become a part of me and accept it so it can’t hold me back.
I still can’t sleep for shit, though. That’s where the nightmares live.
I wake up covered in cold sweats every night, no matter how good I think I’m doing.
Tom keeps checking in on me, making sure I’m doing okay.
Not that he believes me when I tell him I’m fine, but at least he cares.
After we all attended a funeral last week to support a close friend, he’s been especially on my case.
He knew being there would bring up some memories and hasn’t let me go a day without a phone call, or two.
Today is my birthday, and I finally caved.
Since I have the day off anyway, I agreed that a boat day with Tom, Callie, and some of my crew would be a great way to celebrate it.
I’m throwing the ball with Ellie in the front yard when I feel eyes on me.
I barely glance over my shoulder to confirm it’s Tris when Ellie beelines straight for her, almost taking my legs out from under me.
The purest, most melodic giggle floats down from the porch and lands heavy in my chest. When I throw her a glare, she fails horribly at hiding her smile behind her coffee mug.
She quickly sets the mug aside to give Ellie her morning belly rubs.
A ritual that these two have formed, regardless of whether it’s Tris’s day with her or not.
We’ve barely seen each other except in passing.
What’s that saying? Like two ships passing in the night?
Though it feels more like two parents sharing custody of a child at this point.
I climb the stairs and watch as Ellie eats it up.
While Tris is distracted with Ellie, I can’t help the way my eyes slowly take her in, like I’m trying to memorize every part of the woman I can never allow myself to have.
I’ve tried not to, but she’s under my skin.
It’s more than the way her lips form a perfect heart or the way her cheeks turn the most beautiful shade of pink.
More than her curves and the way I find myself wondering how they’d fit with mine.
It’s how she carries herself with an air of confidence that emphasizes her natural beauty, even when I know it’s not always how she feels.
The way she acts like she doesn’t care about anyone or anything, but feeds the robin that still visits every day, and takes the time to make Ellie those biscuits whenever she gets a chance.
Early mornings are becoming my favorite time of day because that’s when she seems to be the most unguarded, the most herself.
Her bite is less. The armor she’s worn all these years isn’t set in place.
She’s thoughtful, more kind than anyone has given her credit for, and I’ve watched her with her friends at the cafe.
She’s loyal to those she cares about. Protective with a fierceness that makes me wonder if that’s why she’s so selective with who she lets in.
A man, a tourist, tried to mess with Rory the other day, and before I could step in, Tris was across the cafe, thorns out and ready.
The man left in a hurry, but not before dropping a hundred-dollar tip for causing trouble.
That was the day I knew I was in trouble.
It feels wrong. Wrong to want her, wrong to crave her.
Not just her body, but her time, her smile.
The real smile that is so rarely given, but instead needs to be earned.
I think that’s what I treasure most about every one I get.
There are still days when her eyes are full of ice.
When I inevitably do something to piss her off, she lets me know it.
“Walking up and down those steps. Are your legs tired yet?”
She teases me.
I’m a bigger asshole than I ever gave myself credit for. Feeling this way, acknowledging it only makes me feel worse, like I’m betraying Krystal, so I’ve been doing my best to push it down. Snuff it out and stay busy.
“Thought she was taking you down,” Tris says, standing up and wiping her hands on a pair of sleep shorts that should be illegal to wear in public. That paired with a purple bralette?
I breathe in deeply, holding onto that last straw people talk about like it’s my lifeline.
“I am absolutely sure that would have made your day,” I grumble.
She clicks her tongue softly before speaking. “Maybe.”
She shrugs, then, to my demise, puts her arms above her head and starts to stretch, testing more than just the length of the sheer fabric of her clothing.
I turn around and reach for the banister. My grip tightens, and my teeth grind as I try to fight every nerve in my body from betraying me. It takes everything I have to dampen the way she ignites a fire inside me, sparking a fervor I never imagined would awaken again.
“Don’t you own real clothes?” I rasp, completely exasperated by this woman as I turn around to find her leg up on the opposite banister, finishing a stretch.
“Don’t you?” One corner of her mouth lifts, eyes sharp with challenge.
It’s not until this moment that I realize I’m not wearing a shirt.
I’d meant to put it on when I walked outside, but Ellie wanted to play ball, and I dropped it on the chair.
Immediately, I reach for the shirt and throw it on, covering up the scars that spread across my chest and over my shoulder.
The proof of my failure. The burns that haunt me.
They’re always there, reminding me of the hell I walked through.
“Sorry,” I murmur, embarrassed.
“Don’t be,” she says with a strong conviction. “We all have scars, things we wish we could forget or hide.” She pauses, taking a slow sip of her coffee before continuing. “Some of us can’t.”
She tilts her head, eyes flicking to me and then away, like she’s already said more than she meant to.
I let her words sink in... She’s right. It’s something that I, of course, realize is true, but being wrapped up in the shame and pain of my own, I hardly consider what others are carrying.
It only makes me wonder, what scars is she hiding, what shame does she keep buried, and if maybe one day she’ll share it with me.
It strikes me now that it’s something I want.
One more piece of her to add to the list. A list that I mentally wish I could ignite and turn to ash.
“Wow,” I mutter, trying to distract myself. “That was pretty deep.”
She smirks, her brow lifting slightly as if I’ve amused her. “Why yes, I’m multifaceted, like a big, sparkly diamond.”
“Yeah, lab-grown,” I tease back before I can stop myself.
Her mouth gapes open, and to my relief, she laughs. “How rude!”
Our laughter settles into a comfortable silence.
“Did you want a cup of coffee?” she asks after I’m not sure how much time has passed.
I check the time on my phone. “No, thanks. I’m actually waiting for Tom and Callie to pick me up for a birthday boat day.”
Her eyes widen. “Oh, I didn’t know. Happy Birthday.”
“Thanks. I tried to get them to leave me be, but they insisted on spending it with Ellie and me, so here we are.”
“A day out on the lake is always fun,” she says, and I can’t help but wonder if I’m imagining the disappointment in her voice or if it’s really there.
“Ellie will love it, and it’s good to have friends like that.
No one should be alone on their birthday.
Not even you.” Her sarcasm falters halfway through the sentence, and now I know I’m not imagining it.
“Did you want to come?” I ask, knowing that nothing is worse than being an afterthought, but I didn’t think she would be interested.
“I have to work.” The sound of gravel crunching under Tom’s tires sounds from behind me. “Have fun,” she says, while my attention is turned to the truck.
“Thanks,” I say, my voice cutting out at the end as I turn my attention back to her, only to find that she’s no longer here. The click of her door shutting is all I’m left with before Tom beeps his horn and Billy starts shouting.
“Oh, Captain, my Captain!” Billy calls, half hanging out the window.
I roll my eyes and shake it off, grabbing everything Ellie and I will need for the day before hopping into the truck. We drive off, but I give one last glance back at Tris’s door, swearing I can still feel her eyes on me.
At the dock, we load up the boat and wait for everyone to arrive.
“Alright, that’s everyone, let’s go,” Caiden shouts. “Sorry, Levi, today I’m the Captain.”
A bunch of ominous “oooos” chime from all around, so I lift a brow, acting like I’m angry, making everyone on the boat nervous. I try to hold character, but wind up breaking when Tom’s head dips in my direction. I laugh and watch as everyone around me relaxes.
“Aye Aye, Captain Caiden.” I raise my hat to Caiden, and he nods, draping his arm around his girlfriend Della.
Callie wraps her arms around Tom like a woman completely in love.
“Do you think my mom will care if Sunny spends the night?” she asks him. “I think we could use one for ourselves.”
“That sounds good to me, Sunshine,” he says, placing a kiss on her cheek. “As long as you promise not to lose any more keys to my handcuffs.”
“Ew!” Emma shouts.
“I concur. We can hear you,” I add. Shaking my head and pretending to be grossed out by their affections when I couldn’t be happier.
Billy and Mark are talking back and forth across from me when I notice they didn’t bring anyone.
“Billy, what happened? Both your girls stand you up?” I joke, referring to Rory, who’s become his best “girl” friend, and Ainsley, the woman we all know he’s pining over.
“Ha, funny,” he says sarcastically, throwing a towel at my head.
Luckily, I catch it before it has a chance to fall out of the pontoon.
“Nah, man. They had to work today.”
My brows furrow. “Work? I thought after the holiday weekend, they’re each supposed to get some time off.”
“Yeah, they are. But today is Tris’s day off, and they didn’t want to ask her to give it up or switch since she covered for them both last week so they could attend the funeral.
” Billy mistakes my look of shock and confusion for me being upset that the girls couldn’t come instead of what it’s really for.
“Sucks, I know. They would have had a great time today. This weather is perfect. I can’t imagine anyone not wanting to be out here. ”
I’m. An. Asshole.
I should have asked her sooner instead of at the last minute.
Of course she’d lie to me. Hell, I’d have lied to me too.
One of two things is true. She either lied because she really did want to come, and I made her feel like we didn’t want her here by not even remembering to ask her to begin with.
Or she lied because she didn’t want to hang out with me and everyone else here.
I already know the answer.
As much as I wish it were the latter, I know Tris.
She has no problem telling all of us to get lost and leave her alone.
Which means, once again, I’ve hurt her feelings, but this time she didn’t want me to know.
It’s like a punch straight to the gut. I messed up, and she didn’t want to risk being vulnerable with me. She lied.
Ellie sits on the seat next to me, but her head keeps bobbing around like she’s looking for someone... not someone... Tris. When she doesn’t see her, she rests her head on the top of the seat with a sigh, like even she knows she should have been here.
“Whatever it is that’s bothering you, let it go. At least for today. You deserve a day off,” Tom says, leaning in so only I can hear before squeezing my shoulder.
I nod my head at him and force a smile, knowing damn well the last thing I want to think about is what I believe I deserve.