20. Endings and Beginnings
Endings and Beginnings
I hadn’t seen Lukas at all today. The note from my father already had me unsettled, but realizing Lukas was likely avoiding me only heightened it. I’d barely been able to get through my afternoon meetings with the court officers without running from the throne room in an anxiety-fueled panic.
On top of that, it was nearing supper time, and the dragons still hadn’t returned to their duties since their sparring session.
Of course, they didn’t have to attend me every hour of the day, but it did seem a little odd.
Especially since we had no idea where the huathe currently was, and if he’d be coming back to finish what he started.
Lenn saw to it that a few Hersir were stationed in the hall.
I’d asked Siva to bring me supper in my room, electing to dine alone. After I’d eaten, she drew me a bath and then left me to my own devices. The soak had been nice, but trying to relax in the tub left too much room for my tumultuous thoughts.
Though I tried to rest like Lenn suggested, I’d been agonizing over what I would say to Lukas the entire time. Nothing in my head ever came out right. Every potential scenario ended in disaster. And the longer I thought about it, the more I knew I couldn’t continue in this way.
His constant pushing of my boundaries was one thing. This insistence that Corbyn was secretly in love with me was something else entirely. That was more than general distrust. It was hatred and resentment, which he’d never mentioned before.
If only he’d talked to me about it, perhaps we could have worked through the issue.
But now his distrust of the dragons had bled into me—he thought I was complicit in some affair with my own Talon.
What kind of relationship could that be, with Lukas always suspecting me of betrayal?
I’d be signing up to walk on eggshells for the rest of my life, and I… I didn’t think I could do it.
The bathwater was as cold as the realization itself. It made me shiver.
I exited the bath and sat before my mirror, just me and the Shadow. It was so much, all at once. I needed a momentary distraction.
Did you ever have another name? I asked her as I combed my wet hair.
Hmm? she grunted, unfurling from her corner. What do you mean, Asvoria?
I worked through a snag, feeling a little amusement at her grogginess. Amused, but also concerned. She seemed tired often these days. Though we hadn’t been bonded for long, I could tell it wasn’t normal. A byproduct of the prince’s strange effect on us, no doubt.
I mean have you always been… the Shadow? Did you have a different name before you bonded with Bridja?
She rippled like she was stretching, and an overwhelmingly intense wave of melancholy swept over me. I remember nothing before Bridja, she said. Not where I came from, nor who—or what —I was. Bridja branded me the Shadow of the Erling queens, thus I have been ever since.
I bit my lip, thinking. Would you… Was it foolish to even ask? She edged against my uncertainty, erasing it. Have you ever thought of choosing a name for yourself?
Her chuckle emanated through my mind like a fluttering bird. You are not the first to ask, young one, she admitted. But without knowing the truth of my own origins, I do not believe I could choose well enough. And besides… Shadow suits me fine.
If you say so. That put the matter to rest.
A knock came at the door, wiping away whatever small comfort I’d found in our conversation. It wasn’t Siva — she would’ve come right in — which left only a few options, each of them making my stomach churn.
Clearing my throat, I called, “Come in.” When the door opened, I saw the silver-tipped spear first, and breathed a sigh of relief. “Betina… What is it?”
“Forgive the intrusion, Your Majesty,” the Hersir warrior said, “but Lord Aberg has requested an audience.”
My mouth went dry in an instant and my heart raced like a wild horse. But I nodded all the same, not trusting my voice to remain firm. She turned back to the hall, her long, wavy brown hair swinging behind her.
“You may enter,” Betina said, keeping her voice low.
Lukas stepped past her, his mouth pressed into a thin line. There were deep furrows etched between his knitted brows and dark circles ringed his eyes. He looked as if he hadn’t slept at all.
Tentatively, I stood from the vanity stool, folding my hands at my waist to keep them from shaking.
He stopped at the foot of the bed and rested his hand atop the short, rounded post. The chasm between us felt so wide.
I’d never been afraid to see him before.
Even last night—when I’d been so nervous to speak to him about what was bothering me—it hadn’t been this kind of shaky panic.
The silence stretched with the weight of everything we’d said—everything harbored in the deepest recesses of our hearts. Tension built like a geyser, biding its time until the pressure became too much to bear. Who would be the first to crack?
My heart lurched in my chest, the darkthread trembling.
“Luk—”
“Vor—”
I clamped my mouth shut and warmth rose to my face.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
My nerves were so rattled. I sucked in a sharp breath to try and calm them. “We need to talk about what happened,” I finally forced out.
“I know.”
More silence, raking its claws down my back.
I chewed painfully against the inside of my cheek.
Anything to distract from the suffocating gravity of the situation.
He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, eyes roving around the room.
Very well… If he wasn’t going to take the first step, I would.
“I’m sorry that what I said—that how I feel —hurt you, Lukas. Truly, I am. But I do not take any of it back.” Only blunt honesty would do for this conversation. No more skirting around the issue or dodging uncomfortable topics. My candor seemed to shake away whatever anxiety plagued him.
“And I will not apologize for caring about you.” His tone was unyielding.
“I’m not asking you to.” The Shadow sent me a feeling of reassurance, which only helped a little.
“I’m asking you to respect me,” I continued, softer this time.
“To understand, and accept, that you cannot protect me from every danger in this world. Denying my need to achieve closure on my own would be a betrayal of myself. And the fact you have repeatedly asked me to do that is worrisome, to say the least.”
“That was never my intent,” he said, face tightening as he looked at the floor.
“Then what was?”
His gaze shot back up, dark eyes glinting in the torchlight. “I have only ever meant to love you, Vor, as best I am able. If that’s not enough, I don’t know what is.”
A sharp pang ran through my chest, striking at my sympathy. “Lukas,” I said gently, “we’ve known each other almost our whole lives. And we’ve grown as individuals, together. But the paths the gods put before us diverged.”
“They don't have to.” There was a glimmer of hope in his voice, even under the razor’s edge of his gaze.
“I can’t put this matter with the huathe aside.”
“Then let someone else?—”
“I can’t, Lukas.” The words came out ragged, tattered by my grief. “She’s my mother. I am her only living child so it is my responsibility. I have to.”
He clamped his mouth shut, brows drawing low. If he couldn’t understand how I felt as a daughter, then there was only one other way to make him comprehend the gravity of this task. That I would not be swayed.
“I can no longer bear the weight of your doubt and distrust.” He balked at that, but I had to continue cutting through to the heart of it. “As much as I want to only belong to you, I have a duty to myself, and to my people. I am not just a woman—I am a queen. Now, I must do what queens do.”
“And what is that?” His voice cracked piteously.
I swallowed down the well of emotion rising in my throat as the Shadow circled. “They sacrifice,” I answered, “even at the expense of their own happiness. I must find the huathe and see him brought to justice, no matter the cost.”
The cost, it seemed, was us.
His gaze darkened, sliding back down to the floor. I remained staring steadfastly forward, even as my knees trembled beneath me.
“I see,” he breathed, shoulders slumping forward. “Then I will do as you ask, Your Majesty, and respect your decision. You will not hear from me on this, or any other matter again.”
The detached formality of his tone stung deeper than I thought it would. “I wish you well, Lukas,” I said, unable to keep the strain from my voice any longer. “Truly… ”
I could almost feel the thread tying us together snapping under the weight of my decision.
He seemed to wrestle with himself for a moment, but then his eyes slid back to meet mine. “I hope you find what you seek, Your Majesty. And that when you think of me, you remember I only wanted what was best.”
Before I could respond, he turned and strode quickly from the room.
An icy draft followed behind him, guttering the fire in the hearth and the candles in their sconces.
But the dread that had taken up residence in my chest for the entire day extinguished along with it.
Part of me despised the relief that flooded through me.
The other part desperately wanted to believe I’d done the right thing.
I was no longer the lovestruck teenage girl wrapped in Lukas’s arms in the garden on a warm, summer evening. We’d grown up, and our expectations no longer matched. Whatever ramifications would come from my decision, Lukas was my past. I had to move forward into my future.
It was only after I eventually crawled into my bed that I realized…
Lukas hadn’t made a single mention of Corbyn.