Three in a Bed

Chapter 39

For a moment there was pure, white silence between them. Not a calm silence but a shocked, electrified, moment before the storm silence.

Then they both broke it with heated words at exactly the same time.

‘What the hell—’ Don began furiously.

‘It’s not what you—’ Bella started to defend herself.

For several moments they shouted over one another, neither listening, both just wanting to be heard. Until Don held up his hands and insisted, ‘Please stop talking. I’m going to ask the questions and you are going to answer them. OK? And please, let’s be very honest with each other.’

‘Fine,’ she said. ‘And let’s both be very honest.’

‘So, who was here last night?’

‘And why would you care?’ Bella heard herself snap back.

‘I am your husband, in case you hadn’t noticed.’

‘Well, you haven’t been acting like much of one. I’ve had three messages from you in a week.’

‘Who was here last night?’ Don asked again. ‘Your underwear was on the kitchen table,’ he added, his fury barely under control.

‘And did you have a nice reunion with Simone? Simone bringing her best underwear Sewell.’

‘Oh, for God’s sake, Bella!’ For a moment, Don looked as if he might laugh and she was slightly thrown off by this.

‘I finished with Simone long before we met, you know that. But she’s back in London, she’s a die-hard flirt and you’ll just have to live with the fact that I will see her around. I’ve made it very clear to her that I’m not interested.’

‘Oh…’

‘But what have you been doing?’ he stormed. ‘Have you gone out of your mind?’

‘Why are you here anyway?’ She threw the question at him, still avoiding his. ‘You don’t call, then you turn up on the doorstep at dawn.’

‘Sorry to spoil your fun. I’ve just been airlifted out of a combat zone. I thought you’d get a nice surprise!’ he fired back.

‘Oh…’

Don put his hands on his hips and stared at her. He looked grey and exhausted. His trousers were splashed with mud and his pale green shirt was stained. He didn’t appear to have showered or shaved for days. But she saw only the man she loved most in the world and fully waking up to this reality, she realised what a monumental mistake she had made. She had put his love at risk.

‘Am I going to get an explanation?’ he demanded. ‘And don’t even think about lying to me. I’ve been interviewing people since you were at school, you will not get away with lying.’

She had never seen him so angry.

Then, hanging her head, because she couldn’t face looking at him, she finally admitted, ‘Chris was here.’

This was going to be hard. Fighting the lump in her throat, she added, ‘I drank far too much… way too much. Then I made a pass at him. Yes, it was all me. I kissed him. I sat in his lap. I… well… I put those pants on the table. And then I felt very ill and threw up a lot.’

She paused, but still couldn’t bear to look up at Don’s face.

‘Chris could not have been kinder—’ she heard the crack in her voice. ‘He gave me glasses of water. Did some tidying up. Made sure I was OK before he left and I went to bed.’

Finally, she looked up to see what she could read on Don’s face.

But he didn’t meet her eye. He turned his gaze to the window and seemed to swallow hard.

‘Chris from work?’ he asked finally.

‘Yes,’ she whispered.

‘Well… that is quite a kick in the balls.’

He folded his arms and kept his gaze fixed on the window.

There was a long silence. She looked up at him and was distraught to see that he seemed to be struggling not to cry.

‘It was a huge mistake,’ she pleaded. ‘I was drunk, yes, but also lonely and unloved and… unattractive. I thought you might be with Simone and for a few minutes, Chris seemed like a good idea. Don, I really miss you—’ she broke off to choke down a sob. ‘And I miss us and the way it used to be.’

To her huge disappointment, Don’s strained reply was only, ‘I’ve got to get some sleep.’

Then, he turned and walked out of the room. Bella heard him take the stairs to the attic. So, he was going to sleep up there, on the completely uncomfortable sofa in that stark office room.

She felt so sorry for him and so full of regret, that she just wanted to howl, but she couldn’t feel sorry for herself any longer because this was all her fault. What a catastrophic mess!

And then Markie began to cry.

It was the afternoon before Don came downstairs. Bella had already drunk a lot of tea, taken painkillers, tidied the house, gone with Markie to the park and the supermarket, then come back home again. She was stacking dishes into the dishwasher and Markie was sitting in his highchair messing with some morsels of food when Don came in.

‘Hello,’ Bella said warmly with a smile. More than anything, she wanted them to reconcile.

But Don didn’t answer. Instead, he bent over Markie. ‘Hi there, little guy,’ he said tenderly. ‘Remember me?’

When Markie gave a squawk of excitement and stretched out gooey hands towards him, Don looked touched.

‘Are you eating by yourself now? That’s so clever.’ He picked up Markie’s spoon and scooped up some fruit purée.

‘Bella, I’ve decided to move out for a bit,’ he said as he guided the spoon into Markie’s mouth.

Bella stood rooted to the spot with surprise.

‘It will give us both some time to think things through and work out where we go from here,’ he said.

‘No, it will not give me time.’ She went from surprised to furious. ‘That leaves me stuck with Markie twenty-four hours a day.’

‘So, maybe you’ll be forced to finally sort out some childcare,’ he shot back.

‘And just where are you planning to go?’ she asked.

‘To Mike’s place, he’s got a spare room. It’s fine with him.’

How dare he sound so calm about this. ‘Just how is moving to a bachelor pad with your mate going to solve our marital problems exactly?’ she demanded.

‘Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you jumped on your colleague,’ was his furious reply. ‘I don’t think solving our problems was top of your agenda last night, was it?’

‘Fine… just walk out, Don, on me and on your son. Go on, just pack your bags and leave – I hope it makes you feel a whole lot better. You’re just selfish and unable to deal with us.’

‘What about you?’ he shouted back. Markie was staring at them without making a sound. ‘You’re such a control freak, you can’t trust anyone else to take care of our son, yes our son… not even me… no one else is good enough. What are you going to do, Bella? Look after him every single day until he’s torn from your arms to go to school?’

‘Just shut up!’ she yelled, furious with this accusation. ‘Just shut up and leave us alone.’

‘I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon to see him. You are not going to take him away from me, Bella.’ Don’s voice was more controlled now.

He turned out of the room and headed upstairs, leaving Bella to collapse into the chair beside Markie.

The baby was laughing. Luckily, this had all been an exciting show for him, not a frightening scene.

‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered to him, picking up the spoon and scraping up some more purée for him. ‘I’m so sorry.’ Tears were pricking her eyes but she didn’t want to cry until Don was out of there.

Ten minutes later, she heard him in the hallway.

‘I’ll be here at 3p.m. tomorrow, you better let me see Markie or I warn you, Bella, I’ll call a solicitor,’ he said loudly towards the kitchen.

She didn’t answer. The front door slammed shut heavily.

Moving out? A solicitor? How had it come to this? She picked her baby up out of his highchair and cuddled him close while her tears fell freely.

The day dragged on and on after that. Markie’s routine – changing, feeding, walk, nap, changing, feeding, bath – meant she had to keep going but she felt as if she could break down and cry hysterically at any moment.

God, she had to get out of here, out of this house where everything had gone so wrong. She had ruined everything – her career, her marriage, her working relationship with one of her most loyal colleagues. And how would this affect her son? She was probably going to ruin him too. She slapped her hand against the wall, furious with herself.

She had to get out of here.

Markie was clean and fed. It was 7.30p.m. so he was starting to get sleepy. She wrapped him up warmly and put him in the buggy. Then she put on her coat and they headed out into the night.

The street was dark and slick with rain, but glowing orange in the streetlamps as she walked to the end of the road and wondered what the hell to do. Go to a pub? Were babies allowed? Go somewhere in the car? Where? Where? Where? She felt on the brink of insanity. If she’d been on her own, she would go off and drink herself to oblivion somewhere chic and expensive. But she was stuck.

She found herself trudging in the direction of Red’s house, not sure if she really wanted to ring Red’s bell so late in the day and dump this on her. It wasn’t like they even knew each other well.

But she didn’t really know who else to turn to. Tania had never called back… Mel and Lucy wouldn’t understand… Chris was… well… Red was the only person she knew round here.

No wonder mothers ended up depressed. Did everyone think they’d vanished off the face of the planet just because they’d stopped working and hanging out in bars?

She was in Red’s street. Markie was mesmerised by the streetlights. He was wonderful now, a big, delightful, interactive baby. The long, inexplicable screams had finally worn off and he was a giggly delight to have around with his wonder at the world. The lights were on at Red’s so she took a deep breath and rang the doorbell.

There was a long wait before Zander answered the door.

‘Hello,’ he said warmly but with a hint of surprise.

‘Hello,’ she said. ‘I know it’s probably not a good time. I was just passing and wanted to say hello… is Red… I mean, if she’s?—?’

‘Come in, come in – it’s always a good time.’ Zander cut her off.

‘Red!’ he bellowed from the door. ‘It’s Bella.’

Bella was just grateful he’d remembered her name.

Red called down from upstairs, ‘Hello, Bella! Zander, come up and take over, will you?’

He bounded up the stairs and a few moments later Red came down, a little damp and dishevelled.

‘Hi – rescued from bath time – how nice!’ she said, swooping down and kissing Bella on the cheek. ‘Oooooh, love your new haircut, by the way.’

‘Oh… thanks,’ said Bella, realising with a pang that Don had been too angry to notice. ‘Just send me away if it’s not a good time.’

‘You’re fine, let me take your coat, come in. Hello, Markie,’ she said peering through the rain cover.

Bella followed her into the kitchen, which was as cheerily chaotic as before.

‘Tea, coffee? Or no, let’s have wine.’ Red smiled and held up an already opened bottle of white.

‘Not for me thanks… I overdid it last night. Tea would be perfect.’

Bella unstrapped Markie from the buggy and sat down, holding him on her knee. He immediately put out his hands to reach for the toy cars on the table.

‘So, how’ve you been?’ Red asked, switching the kettle on.

‘Dreadful, couldn’t be worse,’ Bella said and gave an inappropriate smile.

‘Oh dear.’ Red poured wine into her glass. ‘What’s happened?’

‘I’m totally depressed. Plus, I made a pass at one of my work colleagues… my husband’s found out, packed up and gone to stay with a friend.’ She had no idea why she was smiling at Red as she told her this.

‘Ah.’ Red took a sip of the wine.

The kettle came to the boil and Red went to make the tea. As she brought it over to the table, she asked, ‘So… now what?’

‘Well, I was planning to wallow in self-pity for a bit,’ Bella answered.

‘No, not a good idea. You’ll just get even more depressed. How bad is it on the husband front? Has he really gone? Or can you sort things out? I mean, do you want to sort things out?’ Red asked gently.

‘Yeah,’ Bella said, ‘I really do. But I don’t know what he’s thinking.’

‘When did all this happen?’

‘He left today.’ Bella sighed and hoped she wasn’t going to cry again.

‘Oh, boy,’ said Red. ‘You probably both need to cool down a bit.’

‘Things just haven’t been the same between us since Markie was born,’ Bella admitted.

Red snorted. ‘Of course they haven’t! There’s a big, crying, needy baby between you.’ She smiled at Markie, who giggled back at her. ‘Isn’t there?’ she said to him. ‘You’ve got to adjust… it takes ages. I used to keep a bag packed under the bed when Jamie was tiny, I was so fed up.’ She laughed at the memory. ‘And the one time I did run off to my mum’s, she sent me straight back, bless her.’

‘Red, I don’t think I’m a very nice person,’ Bella blurted out. ‘I don’t think I deserve Don, or Markie, or my brilliant career— well, the one that I had.’ She gave a half-smile, but now she really wanted to cry.

‘Bella, don’t be ridiculous!’ Red exclaimed and it was good to hear such a robust response. ‘You must have worked so hard to get your job and I know how well you’ve been looking after Markie. Now you just need to turn some attention back to Don and yourself. Be nice to yourself.’

‘I don’t know what there is to like about me.’ Bella put her nose on top of her son’s head and felt a tear slide down, she watched it glistening on top of Markie’s hair.

‘Bella!’ Red was smiling at her. ‘When you first burst into that yoga class, you were this sort of infectious surge of energy and determination… and you’re funny and lovely looking… everyone wants a piece of you. You’re just a bit down and worn out. You need time and rest and a bit of inner peace, man.’

Bella smiled back at her, lump-in-the-throat grateful for this pep talk. ‘I’m very glad I met you,’ she said. ‘You’re so together.’

‘Well, thanks but don’t beat yourself up about it, it’s taken me three years to sort the motherhood thing out… a bit…’ Red drained the last of her wine.

‘Sure you don’t want some? I’ve got another bottle.’

‘No, I’m fine, thanks.’

‘What do you really want to do next? Have you thought about it?’ was Red’s next question.

‘Yeah, endlessly,’ Bella answered. ‘It goes batting round and round my head. I know what I want, I just can’t figure out how to get it – a part-time job which somehow pays more than my last one and keeps my ambitions on track, excellent childcare for Markie… oh and I want him to sleep consistently through the night and only breastfeed twice a day. Then I want Don back the way he was before we had Markie, but also a devoted father.’ Bella gave a small laugh. ‘Bit of a long list.’

‘Not really,’ said Red. ‘Don probably doesn’t want anything radically different – you back the way you were, working, more available to him, but also a devoted mother. Think of everything you’ve been through as… adjusting.’

‘But I don’t know if he’ll forgive me for what I’ve done,’ said Bella.

‘How bad was it?’ Red asked.

‘I invited Chris, my colleague, over… drank way too much and snogged him. Then I was then very sick… while he held my hair and made me drink lots of water,’ Bella answered.

The two women looked at one another and then Red began to laugh.

‘Good grief…’ Bella smiled at her. ‘I haven’t done something like that since I was about eighteen. Madness!’

‘Well, all you can do is try and explain the madness to Don. Surely he’ll understand?’

There was a pause.

‘How long have you been married?’ Bella wondered.

‘Oh, forever,’ Red said. ‘Six years now. And some things get easier and some get harder,’ she added. ‘Actually, I think being married and having kids is a lot like eating a healthy diet and going to the gym – you know it’s really good for you, but sometimes it’s completely dull and you can’t be bothered.’

They both laughed.

‘It’s just human nature,’ Bella said finally. ‘That grass is greener feeling.’

‘Count your blessings, child,’ Red said, putting on a voice. ‘That’s what my mum always says and she has a point. Anyway,’ she added, ‘I can help with baby stuff. You can pump me for info on that.’

So they talked weaning, sleeping through the night and childcare and Bella agreed to go and meet Red’s childminder the next morning.

Zander appeared at the door. ‘Red, the babies want a good night kiss from you.’

‘OK.’ She stood up. ‘Have more tea, Bella, I’ll be down in a second.’

‘No, it’s OK.’ Bella got up too. ‘I’ve got to go, get Markie to bed.’ He was dozing in her arms.

‘What time does he usually go down?’ Red asked.

‘Eight-ish, so this is late for him.’

‘OK, well I’m coming round at 7p.m. one evening this week, so we can sort the sleeping problem out.’

‘What?!’

‘Trust me, I’m a mother!’ Red laughed.

The three of them said their goodbyes and Bella headed home wishing she’d accepted Zander’s offer of a lift as the rain began to beat down. She ran the final lap to the house, bouncing Markie about in his buggy. She was soaking wet and laughing when she got into the hallway, feeling much better for her evening out of the house.

When Markie was tucked up in bed, Bella tried to call Don. She dialled his mobile and it rang but then clicked onto voicemail.

‘Don, I am really, truly sorry,’ she said. ‘I love you…’ At a loss for anything else to add, she hung up.