Chapter 24
Twenty-Four
A collective gasp…
A pin drop silence…
And then, whoosh. All the air is sucked from the room.
Chaos erupts. Elliot might as well have dribbled blood into a tank of hungry sharks.
Everyone is talking on top of each other, yelling, threatening, accusing and denying, a nuclear bomb’s worth of vim and vitriol detonating in the space of a minute.
Elliot crosses his arms, surveying the fray with an amused tilt of his head.
Exasperated, I catch his eye and gesture to the havoc. You’ve really done it now.
Elliot presses a finger to his lips, then points at the guests. Watch them.
Mayor Thornberry’s adamantly denying his involvement with Jen.
Jen’s volleying Elliot with all manners of profanity.
Brian jumps to his feet and starts barking into Elliot’s face like an angry coach when the referee calls ‘foul ball.’
My mom does a church faint and has to be revived by Aunt Cherry and Manny, each taking turns fanning her with my festive napkins.
Victor high fives Mayor Thornberry, “Way to go, Bruh!”
Ivy nibbles on a frosted sugar cookie, her eyes glimmering like she’s watching a soap opera.
Dennis ruffles his mullet and Uncle Tony pops the tab of another can of beer. He turns to Dennis. “Who’s Jen again?”
“The one in the green sweater,” Dennis says, checking out my sister. “She’s hot, too.”
It takes a while before everyone calms down. Elliot wipes Brian’s spittle from his face and calmly strolls to the tiny bathroom in the hallway, leaving us all blinking in confusion.
“Where’s he going?” Victor asks.
Manny shrugs. “When you gotta go, you gotta go.”
Aunt Cherry smacks her husband on the thigh. “See, Tony? A real man poops in a toilet.”
After a few minutes passed and we continued to congregate in the living room, Elliot pokes his head out of the bathroom. “Ahem.”
“I think he means for us to follow.” I scurry down the hallway.
“Field trip!” Dennis says.
“Make sure Uncle Tony comes along,” I call over my shoulder. “I don’t trust him alone.”
We pack in the bathroom, jostling for a view of Elliot’s demonstration.
“So you’ve brought us to the bathroom,” my mom says.
Manny eyes my sister. “The very bathroom that Jen was in all night.”
“That’s right,” Jen shoulders her way through the crowd. “I was stuck in this bathroom all night, shitting my brains out. And I wore these shoes,” she points to her beat up Adidas, “so explain these crystal slides.”
“Aunt Cherry bought you matching crystal slides.” I glance over my shoulder, making sure Brian was behind me.
“Brian, you mentioned you brought her a duffle bag while she was in here. Excuse me.” I squeeze myself into the bathroom beside Elliot.
“You handed her the bag through the window.” We all stare at the tiny window above the toilet.
“In the window the change of clothes came…”
“Excuse me.” Elliot sidesteps me and climbs onto the toilet. He makes a flourish of popping the window open and turns to his captive audience. “Out goes Jen, dressed as your aunt, with her duffle bag full of counterfeit crystals.”
I whirl on my sister, horrified. “You? You’re selling counterfeit crystals to Ivan?
And you…” I glare at the mayor. This explains how he came to possess so many cheap crystals.
“You’re meeting her behind the bushes, doing back alley deals so you can bejewel your bolo ties with counterfeit crystals? ”
Jen tips her chin defiantly. “They’re not counterfeit. They’re custom crystals and much more affordable than the overpriced rocks you peddle.”
“You mean real crystals?”
Jen rolls her eyes. “A rock is a rock.”
“Um… no. I sell real crystals. You sell paste.”
Jen props her hand on her hip, her messy ponytail smacking the mayor in the face. “What’s the matter? Afraid of a little competition? You’re not the only crystal dealer in town now.”
I study Jen’s self-satisfied smirk and Ivan’s downcast eyes. “You two are—”
“That’s right,” Jen says, feeding off my distress. “We’re getting into the crystal business together. Your crystal monopoly is over, Hallmark Holly. We’re setting up shop right across the street. I can see it now: The Crystal Emporium.”
“Is this for real?” I ask Elliot.
He sighs. “Unfortunately, yes. I checked city record. The old cheese shop has been leased and a business title registered to Thornberry & Lo.”
I turn to the mayor. “Ivan?” My eyes begin to water. “You used to be my best customer…”
“He got greedy for more crystals,” Elliot says. “So he got himself a discount on the side. A partnership founded on cheap crystals and their mutual resentment of you…” He pauses for dramatic effect. “Hallmark Holly.”
I grimace. “Please stop calling me that.”
“Sorry,” Elliot says sheepishly. “You have to admit, it’s a catchy name.”
I massage the lump on the back of my head.
“What about the parade? The tennis ball attack?” A sneaking suspicion creeps upon me.
We’ve been sidelined by Jen and Ivan’s crystal partnership and possible affair.
What about the basement turd? The tennis ball attack?
Are they related? My gaze shifts between the mayor and my sister. “Oh no…”
“Oh yes. These two are complicit in the parade attack.” Elliot says, shooing us out of the bathroom and shutting the door. We return to the living room, where Elliot breaks off from the pack and takes his place by the fireplace.
“Preposterous!” Ivan follows Elliot. “I was on the float with Holly. A tennis ball whacked me on the arm.”
Jen arches her brow. “I was with Mom during the entire parade.”
“She was,” my mom seconds.
“All believable alibis,” Elliot says, rearranging the photographs on my mantle.
“But as I said before, you two are smart people and smart people…” He slips something out of his jacket pocket and holds up a fist, his fingers slowly unfurling to reveal a walnut shell. “…don’t like to get their hands dirty.”
I clasp my hands over my mouth.
“No way,” Manny says.
“That’s wild,” Dennis mutters.
All eyes turn to Brian.
“Missing something?” Elliot tosses him the shell.
Brian catches it. He side-eyes my sister for guidance, his face as white as paper. “Where’d you find that?”
“I found it in Mrs. Day’s antique shop attic, next to your tennis ball launcher. It was you who shot up the parade.”
“Dude!” Manny circles Brian. “It was you! Ski mask man!”
“We chased him over, like, three rooftops,” Dennis says, looking Brian up and down. “You were fast as hell. We thought you were a chick.”
Brian frowns. “Why’d you think that?”
Dennis clears his throat. “Well…”
Manny elbows him in the rib. “He said you had a sweet ass.”
“I did not!” Dennis colors. “I said I was going to ‘beat his ass.’”
“His sweet ass,” Manny corrects. “You said ‘sweet ass.’ Dennis is an ass man. You can find him behind the bleachers on weekends, scrounging around for ass.”
“Manny…” I shake my head, silencing him like a displeased schoolteacher.
“Sorry, Holly.” Clearing his throat, Manny marches up to Brian and gets in his face. “We would’ve caught you, except…”
“Except you didn’t,” Brian says. “Because I’m faster than you.”
“He’s spry,” Elliot says, watching my reaction. “So spry he could drop into a squat and—”
“Defecate on my basement steps!” My knees buckle and I collapse onto my armchair.
“Brian… you unimaginable piece of shit.” Dazed, I turn to Jen and Ivan.
“And you two…” I drag a hand through my hair.
The pieces of the puzzle fall into place.
It’s all beginning to make sense. “You two hired him to do it. Did they hire you to do it, Brian?”
Jen and Ivan are staring daggers at my ex, willing him to keep his trap shut.
Brian takes a step back. He bolts for the door and slams into the wall of Dennis and Manny.
“Not so fast…” They hustle him to the sofa and shove him down next to Uncle Tony, who offers him a can of beer.
Elliot has successfully nabbed Shitter 1 and Shitter 2. They sit before me with blank faces, abnormally calm and collected instead of groveling with shame. How are they not ashamed? Are they sociopaths or just plain stupid?
“Did you do it, Brian?” I study his face for a hint of remorse. “Did Jen coerce you into doing it?”
“I might have…” Brian heaves a sigh. “…pinched a loaf in your basement the night of the party.”
Ivy wrinkles her nose. “Ugh.”
“Yucky!” says my mom.
Victor looks ill. “I think I’m going to throw up.”
Aunt Cherry turns to me, stunned. “You have horrible taste in men, Holly.”
“Tell me about it,” I mumble.
Only Mayor Thornberry and Jen seemed unsurprised. Yeah. No shit. Because they both had a hand in it.
I swing my eyes to the ceiling, trying to comprehend what could have possessed my ex to do this foul deed. “Why, Brian? Why?”
Brian rubs his stomach. “I had a stomach ache,” he says. “Simple as that. And Jen was in the bathroom.”
Uncle Tony bumps his shoulder. “It was the sweet potato casserole, wasn’t it?”
“Might have been those lattes.” Brian nods to the coffee bar. “Paige was slinging lukewarm milk like it was going out of style.”
I clutch my throbbing head. “Need I remind everyone that I have a second bathroom?” I’m yelling so loud I could probably be heard down the block. “Upstairs! It’s upstairs!”
Brian grits his teeth. “Yeah, but we all know how you are about your private bathroom. I was afraid to ask you in case you flipped out,” he pauses, “like you’re doing now.”
“Bro,” Victor claps Brian on the shoulder, “she’s scary. You did what you had to do. No judgement.”
I have nothing to say to my cousin. I get out of my chair and smack him upside the head.
“Ouch!” Rubbing his scalp, Victor glares at me. “See? This is why everyone hates you, Hallmark Holly.”
Ignoring him, I continue my tirade against Brian. “So you decided to break into my basement and take a shit on my steps…” I’m pacing the room now, so angry I can spit.