Chapter 24 #2
Brian holds up his palms. “I swear I was going to ask you, but I chickened out several times because, you know…” He looks me up and down and gulps.
“I’d texted Jen to check if she was done.
She wasn’t. So I asked her if I should ask you if I could use your private bathroom and she said…
” He shoots a deferential look at his fiancée.
I catch the shift in Brian’s eye and explode. “You advised him to go in my basement?” I scream at my sister.
“Oh don’t get your panties in a bunch,” Jen fires back. “It’s just a little shit.”
“A little shit? A little shit? It’s a giant squishy turd. And you…” I get into Mayor Thornberry’s face. “You had something to do with this. I know you did. All three of you. Brian’s shitting on my steps, and what the hell were you two doing? Cheering him on?” I kick Brian in the shin.
“Ouch!”
“How much did they pay you to do it?”
“Um…” Brian rubs his shin. “Jen promised I’ll get laid that night.”
“Did you?” Victor asks, curious.
“No. She said she was too tired.” Brian sits with this for a while. Suddenly his blank face darkens as the truth dawns on him. “Say… Jen?”
“What, Brian?” My sister snaps.
“Why were you so tired?”
Jen sighs. “I don’t think I have to explain myself.”
“What Elliot said before, about you sneaking out the window to meet Mayor Thornberry… Could it be because you were banging the mayor in the bushes?” Brian asks.
“This is obviously slander,” Ivan says. “I’ve never had any relations with this woman outside of the crystal business.”
“Until your crystal business turned into monkey business,” Elliot says.
“Why do you sound so confident?” I want him to be wrong. If there’s anybody rooting for Elliot to be wrong about something, it’s me.
“You hired a private investigator,” he unlocks his phone and hands it over to me, “so I did my job. Last Friday night, I took a drive to Atlantic City and did a good old fashioned stake out. View with caution.”
Brian, along with the rest of my guests, crowd behind me to get a good look.
Frowning, I glance down at the first photo.
Jen and Ivan, stepping out for a night on the town.
I slide to the next photo.
Jen, sitting on Ivan’s lap at the craps table, blowing on his dice.
The third photo, a cheap motel and —
“Whoa!” I toss the phone back to Elliot like a hot potato. “Eww, Jen! How can you sleep with him? He’s so old and gross. He’s what? Eighty?”
“Hmph!” Ivan fusses with his bolo tie. “Fifty-two.”
My entire body shivers, making my disgust clear.
“I’ve been told I don’t look a day over forty-five.” The mayor is highly offended.
“Sorry, Ivan,” I apologize out of habit. “Wait, why am I sorry? You should be sorry for seducing my kid sister! She’s young enough to be your daughter! In fact, I forbid you to see her.”
“I’m not a kid.” Jen steps forward. “I’ll see who I want when I want.”
“She’s definitely over eighteen,” Ivan nods uncertainly. Inclining his head in my sister’s direction, he lowers his voice. “You’re over eighteen, right?”
“Go get ‘em, tiger!” Cousin Victor slaps him on the shoulder. “You’ve been listening to my podcast.”
“Victor!” I snap. “That’s your cousin you’re talking about, not some chick at a club. You should be defending Jen’s honor, not patting Mayor Sex Predator here on the back.”
“Hey,” Victor snorts, “I can’t help it if my cousin is a sl— OW!” Glaring at his wife, he rubs his sore nipple and backtracks. “… is a loose woman.”
“You had sex on my bed!” I explode.
“With my wife,” he explains. “It’s part of our job. Sex experts, remember?”
I take a deep breath. “You know what, Victor…” I take a menacing step toward him only for Elliot to body block me from killing yet another member of my family.
“Drop dead, Victor. If there’s a slut in this room, it’s you.
” Jen, twenty-four and too young to be dating a gross old man, loops her arms through the mayor’s.
“The fact of the matter is,” she takes a deep breath, beaming, “Ivan and I are in love.” She pauses, remembering her fiancé. “Er, sorry Brian. Love finds a way.”
“So…” Brian drags his dry hands through his hair, trying to process this recent development. Thinking is difficult for him. “I’m not getting laid tonight after all?”
Jen bites her lower lip. “We’ll work something out.” She turns to her new old man lover. “You don’t mind if I tie up loose ends with Brian, do you?”
“Er…” Ivan dabs at his sweaty temple. “I don’t know why you’re asking me. We’re not together.”
Jen frowns. “What do you mean?”
“I mean,” Ivan pulls away, “we were never a couple.” He smiles at her apologetically. “You’re a sweet girl, Jennifer. And we had a good time. But you should really be with someone your own age.”
Jen’s lower lip trembles. “I want to be with you, Daddy.“
I turn green. “Makes me sick,” I mutter.
Elliot swats me between the shoulder blades. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. Just threw up in my mouth a little…” I defer to my mom, who’d been watching this exchange in silence. “Mama! Are you hearing this? You need to stop this.”
“Jennifer-Ah!” Mom says. “You listen to sister. Old man very bad for you. You beautiful young thing. Mayor is old wrinkled man with bad taste in ties. Yucky.” Mom shivers, shaking off whatever nasty image she’s conjured up in her head.
“You get back with …” She eyes Brian the Basement Shitter and her lips mash together in disdain.
“Maybe being single not so bad? Look at Holly. She old maid but she lives good honest life with candles and big house that you ruin with jealousy.”
I’m sure my mom intends to force Jen into realizing the error of her ways, but she always underestimates my sister’s stubbornness.
If you advise Jen to do one thing, Jen is guaranteed to do the opposite.
Employing reverse psychology on my sister is also exhausting.
I believe Jen is determined to ruin her life no matter what and sometimes I just want to toss in the towel and let her do it.
Jen squares her shoulder. “Ivan and I are getting married.”
Mayor Thornberry does a double take. “Er… No, we’re not.”
“Yes, we are,” Jen says in a tone that leaves no room for argument. She’s decided. I have to hand it to my sister. She knows what she wants.
“Jennifer,” Ivan lowers his voice, “maybe we should talk about this in private.”
“There’s nothing to talk about. We’re getting married and that’s that.” Jen snatches his hand and presses it to her belly. “This baby will not be born out of wedlock.”