Chapter Nineteen
DAZE
This was a terrible idea.
Night was going to lose his shit if he found out I brought Arina back to our trailer, but I needed a shirt if we were going out to eat. And preferably some decent shoes. The sandals I wore wouldn’t cut it if we were walking the downtown streets of Dallas.
I wished I had time to take a shower for Arina’s sake, but I didn’t want to risk Night showing up while she was there. He’d be pissed, even if he had little right to be, and I didn’t want to fight.
I wanted to relax and eat, maybe see some of the city before I crashed. Mostly, I didn’t want him to ruin my good mood.
Questions flitted in and out of my mind. I hadn’t seen Arina since her target practice with Zero, and I wanted to pick her brain. Bobbitt had shown her the clown bus and obviously found her an outfit, but I wanted to know if they’d gossiped about the rest of the troupe members before rehearsal.
What had Bobbitt told her about them? About me ?
“If it makes you feel better, I’ll wear my sparkly pants,” I offered as we left the event center. The sun was long set, but the parking lot was lit by several streetlights and a mostly full moon.
The corner of her mouth lifted in a smirk, her gaze bouncing between our outfits. She was still clutching the balloon animal Bobbitt made for her, which was adorable. If she only knew how many more she’d get now that she was part of the crew…
I personally was sick of them, but I’d never tell Bobbitt that.
“We’ll probably get interesting looks,” she said softly.
“You’re gonna have to get used to that.” I laughed. “You’re in the circus now. You’ll be getting interesting looks all the time.”
I expected her to chuckle or make a smart-ass remark, but she fell silent instead.
Damn. Did I upset her?
It seemed like everything I did when it came to Arina was wrong somehow. It left me puzzled because I’d never had this problem before. Granted, the person I spent the most time with was always angry and rarely responded to anything I said, but I talked to other troupe members. I talked to women.
Why did it feel like I was constantly putting my foot in my mouth when Arina was around? And why did I care so much?
“We don’t have to go anywhere,” I offered. “I can have food delivered…”
She shook her head and tucked a stray bit of brown hair behind her ear.
“No, that’s not it. I want to go… it’s just new for me.
” She paused like she was trying to choose her words carefully.
“It’s been years since I got to do anything fun.
I know I ran away and all, but I’m still getting used to freedom. ”
Freedom. My steps faltered, but I tried to cover it up.
Arina was clearly running from a dark past, but I didn’t want to press her for information she wasn’t inclined to share. I would be there when she was ready to open up, if ever.
In the meantime, all I could do was help her enjoy her freedom from the shackles of her old life. I’d be a distraction, which was what we both needed.
“Are you excited?” I asked, eager to change the subject and lift her mood. “About performing tomorrow night?”
“Nerv-cited.” She laughed once. “Wondering if I really have what it takes. Wishing I had more time to rehearse before I get thrown in front of an audience.”
This time I stopped, and she followed suit. Her eyes were wide with confusion as she looked up at me.
“You have what it takes.” The reassurance came out more forcefully than I intended, but I needed her to believe me.
Hallow saw something in her, otherwise she wouldn’t have even made it to target practice with Zero.
It was probably the same thing I’d seen from the moment I met her.
There was a fire inside her, ready to be honed, begging to be unleashed. “Nerves are normal.”
“But what if I mess up?”
“No one gets on stage for the first time knowing everything,” I explained. “But I promise Hallow wouldn’t let you perform if they didn’t think you were ready.”
My eyes caught on her mouth when it twitched to the side, and I forced my gaze up to hers again. This wasn’t the time or the place to be paying attention to her lips, no matter how perfect and pouty they were, but being this close to her did funny things to me.
I tried to tell myself it was because we’d just met. It was because I hadn’t acclimated to her. That it had been so long since someone new had come into the circus, I’d forgotten how to behave around strangers. But I knew better.
It had nothing to do with how long I’d known her, and everything to do with the way she looked at me, not through me. The way she listened and actually heard what I had to say. I didn’t have to beg for her attention; she just gave it to me.
I squashed the warm feeling blooming in my chest, shoving the thoughts from my head.
Now was also not the time or place to catch feelings for anyone, especially when my personal life was a train wreck.
“You saw our performance tonight. Hallow has impossible standards,” I went on, trying to keep my wandering thoughts at bay. “They expect perfection. If they thought you’d mess things up, you wouldn’t perform this weekend.”
Something flickered behind her eyes, a flash of the fire I’d seen before.
She might be worried and timid, but I’d already glimpsed her strength and determination.
She could have given up a hundred times, but she hadn’t.
She could have buckled when Revel and Zero tried to scare her away from the sideshow, but she’d stood firm.
She could do this; she just needed to believe in herself.
“Thank you.” She smiled softly.
I turned to walk again, my eyes set on Night’s trailer. The lights inside were off, meaning he probably wasn’t there, which was good. I could be in and out in a couple of minutes, then we’d be on our way.
“You know, you’re actually pretty lucky,” I said, unable to stop myself. “You’re only performing with Zero this weekend.”
“Lucky?” Arina laughed in earnest. “If you say so.”
“It could be worse.” I shrugged. “Hallow might have thrown you into all the headlining acts at once. Zero might be fucking unhinged, but at least you’re only dealing with him.”
“I guess that’s true,” she said, her voice dropping to a mumble. “I really don’t want to work with Revel in any capacity.”
I didn’t blame her, especially after the way he’d acted. He clearly didn’t want her anywhere near the circus. I found it strange that both he and Zero were so adamant about her staying away, but from what I’d pieced together, Night wasn’t a fan of her either.
How could all three alphas barely know her—or not know her at all—and be collectively opposed to her presence in the show?
I shook my head. That was enough pressure on its own, but add in that she would be performing for thousands of people tomorrow...
Arina was handling it a lot better than I would be.
“Why does no one stay in hotels?” she asked when we were almost to the trailer. It was a valid question, because I’d asked the same thing after I joined.
“Some do, but because we travel so much, it’s easier to all stay in one place. Less packing and unpacking. Less hassle.” I cocked a curious brow in her direction. “Not a fan of the clown bus?”
“It’s… fine. Not sure how I feel about traveling with a bunch of strangers, but I’ll get over it.” She shot me a look when we stopped at the trailer door. “How do you have your own?”
I knocked out of respect, not wanting to barge in with Arina if Night was sleeping butt-ass naked. Luckily, the trailer was empty like I’d suspected, and I invited her in after me.
“It’s not mine,” I admitted. “It’s Night’s.”
Her eyes wandered through the cluttered trailer, taking it all in the same way she had when I’d saved her from Revel. Intrigue was banked in her gaze when she looked at me. “So… you and Night, huh?”
I sighed, once again not wanting to get into it.
It wasn’t that I was ashamed or embarrassed about my situationship with the magician.
On the contrary, I would proudly tell anyone that I was banging one of the show’s headliners.
But it wasn’t like we were dating or even just hooking up.
What we had was messy and confusing and mainly one-sided.
Explaining that to anyone, especially the way I wanted to explain it to Arina, would take a lot more than a casual conversation.
However, even if I took hours to deep dive into the nuances of mine and Night’s relationship, I still didn’t think I could explain it right. How could I tell someone what was going on between us, when I wasn’t sure myself?
“It’s complicated,” I offered, running a hand through my hair. “And, honestly, I don’t even know where to start. We’re not together, if that’s what you’re asking.”
I could have sworn her cheeks turned pink before she moved and pretended to be interested in a book on the table. She set her balloon dog down next to it.
“I was just wondering,” she said quickly. “I know you didn’t want to talk about it before. You still don’t have to.”
“We don’t even know what’s going on between us.
” I sighed. “At least, I don’t, so it’s impossible to explain it to someone else.
” I unclipped my suspenders and tossed them up onto the top bunk before rummaging in my tiny closet.
To make her less self-conscious about her circus-inspired outfit, I tugged on a flowy black shirt with a low collar and bell sleeves.
With the glitter pants, it was giving gay pirate vibes, but I didn’t care.
“I hope you don’t mind if I skip a shower.
I’d rather not be here when he gets back. ”
“Not at all.” She shook her head. “Besides, you don’t smell too bad.”
Too bad? I glared at her, horrified, before grabbing and reapplying deodorant. I also sprayed on some cologne for good measure.
“How do I look?” I asked, spinning on the spot.
With a grin, she answered, “Handsome.”
I grinned at her approval. “Thank you.”
“Is anyone going with us to eat?”