Chapter Thirty-Three
ARINA
“I can do that, you know.” I pouted in the corner while Revel turned on the shower.
In fact, I would have preferred to do it myself.
Not only was this semi-caring version of him off-putting, but I didn’t want his help. My head had cleared, and I was eager to get away from the alpha. Regardless of what happened between us, he was still an asshole, and I still hated him.
The sticky-sweet smell of candied apples filled the tiny space along with steam as the water heated, but it was easier to ignore my omega instincts now. The sexual tension was gone—mostly—and I no longer wanted him to grab me and pin me against a wall.
I’d been so determined to make him stay before, and now I just wanted space.
I needed to clear my head, to get control of my uncertain emotions.
I needed?—
“I didn’t ask,” he said. There was an edge to his voice, but he didn’t sound angry.
Without glancing in my direction, Revel opened a cabinet and pulled out towels and washcloths for both of us. Then, he hung them next to the shower’s sliding-glass door.
I frowned and crossed my arms over my chest, doing my best to cover up. It didn’t matter—he’d already seen most of me—but the tiny bit of modesty brought me a shred of comfort.
The bathroom wasn’t large to begin with, but it was extra crowded with his broad form moving around. He was doing everything he could to avoid eye contact, but I couldn’t keep my eyes off him.
I watched as he retied his white braids with an elastic, tucking them into a bun, and the way his muscles flexed with every one of his movements. I tried to deny it before, but there was really no point. Revel was fucking gorgeous, built like a god from head to toe.
I froze when his pale blue eyes snapped in my direction and ignored the flutter in my stomach that followed.
Fucking annoying omega instincts…
“In.” He stepped aside and gestured to the shower.
I wanted to argue, to tell him that he should go first, so I could soak and take my time, but the stern look on his face cut off my rebuttal.
With a sigh, I shoved off the wall and crossed to the shower.
As I stepped into the spray of water, the heat seeped into my muscles and drew out the aches, nearly making me moan with relief.
I turned around to close the door behind me, but Revel was already squeezing into the single stall with me.
“What the?—”
He snapped the door closed behind him, trapping us inside.
“It’s kind of cramped with both of us, don’t you think?” I asked, settling into the tiny bit of space he wasn’t occupying.
He chuckled once and shoved a washcloth at me.
“You weren’t complaining about personal space five minutes ago,” he replied. “Besides, I’ll be gone before you know it.”
I opened my mouth and snapped it closed again as images from our hate romp came rushing back.
A throb kickstarted between my thighs, and I quickly turned away from him to hide my blush.
No way I would let this alpha know how much he affected me.
Sure, he pinned me up against the wall and had me crying out as I came on his cock, but it was only one time.
It wouldn’t happen again.
“Just hurry up and get out,” I huffed as I stepped through the spray of water and hovered against the opposite wall.
I waited impatiently as he used the communal body wash dispenser on the tile wall and tried not to stare as he scrubbed himself. Tiny bubbles momentarily lingered on his limbs before slipping down the drain, the water making his skin glisten.
“Do you need help?” he asked, snapping me out of my thoughts. I looked up to find him staring at the washcloth in my hand.
“No.” My answer was immediate. Heat prickled across my cheeks unrelated to the hot steam consuming us. “No, I can take it from here. Uh… thanks.”
“Don’t mention it.” His eyes lingered on me for a second, like he wanted to say something else but wasn’t sure what or how. Awkwardness made my skin crawl, and I forced my eyes away from his.
“I won’t.”
“Right,” Revel muttered. He shifted in my peripheral, then the shower door clicked closed. I looked up and saw him moving on the other side of the foggy glass, his form distorted.
I didn’t expect him to stay—it would have been weird if he did—but I couldn’t deny the disappointment sinking in my stomach. Would it really have been so bad to let him help me wash if it meant buying me a few more minutes with him?
Yes, yes it would.
A second later, the bathroom door opened and closed, and Revel disappeared.
I exhaled deeply, slumping against the tile wall, still clutching my cloth. Now that I was alone, reality hit me like a sack of bricks, and my head spun.
How the hell did I get here?
It happened so fast. One minute, his hand was around my throat, and the next he had me pinned with my legs wrapped around him.
My stomach fluttered at the memory, and a shiver danced up my spine.
I didn’t want to remember it, didn’t want to dwell on how good his hands felt against my skin, or how his lips made mine ache for more.
But, while it was only a one time thing, I also didn’t want to forget.
I stepped into the hot spray of water again, hoping it would numb my skin and emotions.
I had no idea what I was doing, or what my next move was, but I no longer wanted to flee the circus.
At least, not tonight. Now that my panic attack had passed, and I could finally think clearer, I began to hope that maybe I didn’t ruin my chances with the Knotty Sideshow after all.
I didn’t mess up Revel’s routine—not really. Given how much notice I had, I thought I did a decent job.
Maybe Hallow will forgive me.
I scrubbed myself in silence, standing beneath the showerhead until the hot water began to cool.
Then, I climbed out and wrapped myself in the fluffy crimson towel Revel had hung on the wall.
I didn’t think to bring clothes with me to change into, so I slipped out of the bathroom in nothing but the towel and stared down the empty aisle.
Revel was nowhere in sight, but he’d picked up my discarded clothes and tossed them on my bed. Nothing else was out of place or disturbed, and aside from the faint smell of candied apples still lingering in the air, there was no evidence of what took place minutes before.
I breathed a small sigh of relief.
If I was lucky, the hate fuck would stay between us, and no one in the troupe would find out about it. Zero wouldn’t let me live it down and Daze…
I frowned. Surely, Daze wouldn’t care, considering he was also fucking a headliner. We kissed, but we weren’t exclusive. We weren’t anything at all.
The way it needs to be , I reminded myself.
Casual sex was fine, but it wasn’t worth getting serious with anyone. Not when I was in hiding and still unsure if I was staying.
I groaned and dug through my clothes, dressing quickly in leggings and a tank top in case any performers showed up. They didn’t. With the weight of my thoughts crushing down on me, I shoved my belongings back into the cabinet and sat on the edge of my bunk, debating what to do next.
I should have gone back to the event center. Syxx would probably be worried; as soon as we got backstage, I ran off without an explanation.
Would Bobbitt know I was missing?
Would anyone else?
I chewed the inside of my cheek. I doubted Revel would pass along the word that I was fine—he’d probably pretend like he hadn’t seen me at all. But I was so exhausted, bone tired from performing and everything that had transpired since.
I didn’t want to go back.
Then there was the issue of Zero… My blood heated when I thought about how he traded me with another assistant and forced me into Revel’s cage. I hated him more than ever, but there was nothing I could do. He was Hallow’s right-hand man, the second-in-command.
And I was nobody.
My eyes tracked to Zero’s bunk, the way they did anytime I wasn’t careful. His privacy curtain was halfway open, and I could clearly see the carousel above his bed carved with his knives.
“Crazy fuck,” I murmured.
The longer I glared at his space, the more his rich, caramel-popcorn scent seemed to cut through Revel’s candied apples to permeate the air. The mix together was heavenly, but even as I registered it, the apple smell faded more, giving way to the psychotic clown’s scent.
My scent match.
It didn’t seem to matter if he was present or not, the traces of him lingering on the clown bus were enough to drive me insane.
I inhaled deeply, slowly, swallowing down the faint aroma.
Little by little, it seemed to fill me, flowing through my veins and calming my anxiety.
Zero’s scent was a balm to my nervous system, soothing me and my omega instincts like a sedative.
It was tragic that the alpha himself didn’t have the same effect.
I was on my feet before I could stop myself, inching my way closer to his bed. The caramel popcorn grew stronger with every step, making my head swim, and I stopped at the edge of the bunk. The scent drenched his sheets and was soaked into his pillow.
Nervously, I looked toward the front of the bus. If anyone came in while I was creepily sniffing the alpha’s bed linens, I’d die before they could ask me what the hell I was doing.
What a way to go…
Confident that no one was going to walk in, I grabbed his comforter and brought it to my nose, inhaling deeply and welcoming the warm, sweet scent. It was delicious, better than anything I’d ever smelled before, and I hated every second of it. Still, I wasn’t going to squander this opportunity.
I took a breath, then another, filling my lungs with more of Zero.
I wanted to steal his blanket, to drag it into my bed to curl up with it. I wanted to settle into the comfort it brought me and to forget everything else. But he’d definitely notice if his blanket went missing, or if I swapped it with my own, even though they were identical.
I couldn’t steal his sheet or his pillowcase either. They were way too obvious.
He’d know…
No. He could never find out.
A whine clawed up my throat.
Another deep breath of his scent calmed me, and I found myself halfway wishing he was here in the flesh.
Sure, I didn’t want to see his stupid face, and I had some choice words for him after tonight, but the way his scent would seep into my blood and satiate me…
My whine finally broke free, shattering the silence of the bus.
I shook my head and looked around, my eyes landing on the cabinet next to Zero’s bunk.
A desperate, feral urgency overcame me, and I abandoned the blanket where I found it.
I had no idea how long it would be until troupe members made their way back, but I probably had a couple of minutes.
Plenty of time to rummage through his things.
Pulling open the door, I was met by organized perfection.
Stacks of pants and shirts lined the right side, with underwear and socks in the middle.
On the left was a small, collapsible hamper for dirty clothes that was about halfway full, and his toiletries and other essentials were on the shelf above.
The psycho was insanely organized, something I could never be.
As admirable as it was for a man to be so tidy, it posed a problem: he would absolutely notice if something went missing. Especially if it was something he wore all the time.
“Shit,” I whispered under my breath.
I needed something of his, so I could fall asleep with the scent wrapped around me. The faint whiffs I got from him at night weren’t enough. Right now, I needed it close, and I wasn’t climbing into the fucker’s bed.
My eyes landed on the dirty clothes hamper, where most of his scent currently emanated from. If I took something from there and returned it before he washed his clothes, there was no way he’d notice. It was a much safer bet than taking something out of his neatly curated stacks.
A little gross, but it’ll do…
I reached into the hamper and dug midway down until I found a black T-shirt with red stripes.
It was wrinkled to hell and a little stiff, but it reeked of him in the best way.
Sweet, rich caramel infused with savory popcorn.
A splash of salty sweat and the faintest whisper of laundry detergent from the last time it was washed.
God, he smells so fucking good.
I buried my face in it and inhaled as deeply as I could. When I pulled away again, my head was swimming. A grin worked its way across my face, and I quickly closed the cabinet again. Then, I dove across the aisle onto my bunk and snapped the privacy curtain closed.
Nestling into the covers, I curled up with Zero’s shirt gripped tightly in my fists and buried my nose in it again.
I closed my eyes and breathed him in, pretending that he wasn’t a deranged clown with a knife kink who hated me.
If only for a minute, I’d pretend like the universe hadn’t royally screwed me when it came to my scent match, and that Zero was actually a decent alpha who wanted to love and care for an omega.
Then, I tried not to laugh at the absurdity.
Of course, the deranged psycho didn’t want me. But I would indulge in the fantasy anyway until unconsciousness came to claim me.