CHAPTER forty-Eight
I Never Believed That I Deserved the Light
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
The next day, we all crowd into Elias’s apartment. The mood is taut, nerves strung tight as we sit down together. It’s time to tell everyone the truth. Everyone’s eyes are on Elias, expectant, but full of care.
I gently place a hand on his leg for encouragement. He places a hand over mine, runs the other through his hair as he blows a breath before he finally tells them everything. Cody lays a hand on his shoulder.
The words come haltingly at first, then spill out in an unbroken stream. Every detail, even the jagged ones that make his voice crack. The room hangs on every word, broken only by sharp intakes of breath and muffled sobs. By the time he finishes, the silence feels even heavier.
Elias can’t meet our eyes. His shoulders hunch, shame etched into every line of his body.
“Why didn’t you tell us? Why make us believe the worst of you?” Jasper’s hurt drips from every word.
“I told myself you wouldn’t believe me. That…
it wouldn’t make a difference. I didn’t want anyone to retaliate and possibly get hurt,” Elias hangs his head as he continues.
“And maybe… I didn’t think I deserved your help.
Or your care. Or your love,” Cody squeezes his shoulder, eyes never straying.
“I’ve always felt like a burden. I’ve kept you all at arm’s length for so long because of how little I thought of myself. ”
His confession lands like a stone in the middle of us, raw and unvarnished. I rub my thumb against his thigh, hoping he can feel even the smallest measure of comfort.
Grady rises suddenly, eyes blazing with resolve.
“Then from this moment on…no more secrets.”
“No more secrets,” Cody echoes, springing up to throw an arm around Grady’s shoulders. One by one, we all stand, linking arms in a messy circle until Elias is pulled into the center, swallowed whole by us.
I can feel in that moment that this promise binds us closer. The family we’ve become.
Elias, voice low but steady, insists he still wants to go through with treatment. Even if he hadn’t chosen to use, his body carries the chemical aftermath, and he wants to face it head-on. He also says he will try therapy—real therapy—for the first time.
The collective pride that fills the room is palpable.
When we finally pull back, collective tears streaming, Cody breaks the silence first.
“In the spirit of no-more-secrets…I have a very serious confession.”
Everyone’s attention fixes on him, waiting.
“Okay…” He blows out a breath. “I ran out of underwear during the tour so I stole a pair of fancy ones from Jasper’s suitcase and I’ve been wearing them ever since.
” He says in one breath as he tugs the waistband up from under his jeans, showing the Calvin Klein logo.
“Whew…I feel so much better getting that off my chest.”
We are all silent for a beat before everyone bursts into laughter, Jasper giving Cody a playful shove.
“I was wondering where those went you fucking weirdo-thief!”
“Once they graced my junk I couldn’t give them up dude, the way they hug my bal—”
“Okay that’s enough,” I say slapping my hand over Cody’s mouth before he can finish.
When it’s time for everyone to leave, they all embrace Elias separately, whispering encouragements and sentiments before leaving us alone again.
He then told me why the idea of help had always set him on edge.
At thirteen, when he lived with Cody’s family, Nora had pushed him into therapy, desperate to ease his pain.
She never knew that the man meant to help him had betrayed that trust in the worst possible way.
Elias had begged to quit, too scared to tell her the real reason, but she insisted, thinking she was saving him, not knowing the torture that he was enduring.
That was the seed of the rift that grew between them, though she’d never known the truth.
The thought of him, so young, surrounded by adults who either hurt him or failed to protect him, cracked something open in me. But now, watching him choose help for himself, I’d never been prouder. He deserves to feel whole. To believe he is worth everything we see in him.