Chapter 19
Alex
Alex dozed on the couch, his body finally surrendering to the comforts of relaxation. His breathing became shallow, and his brow furrowed with the onset of a troubling dream.
The screaming and chaos in the moment was overwhelming. The arrival of the other unit that was answered their plea for help saved them. His blood poured through the wound in his right side, but amidst all of the chaos of the moment he rushed to Brian’s side. He tore through two men who tried to help him and landed on his knees next to Brian. Brian was shot in several places and blood drained from his body.
“Don’t please, don’t you dare give up. Stay with me, Brian.” Alex pleaded. Brian lay on his back, his skin ashen white as he focused his eyes on an area just past Alex’s head. He smiled.
“Medic, I need a fucking medic over here now.” Alex screamed.
Tears streamed down his face as he hovered over his best friend, bending down to hold him.
“Amanda will be pissed. Tell her, tell her….‘I love her more”. Brian placed his hand on Alex’s arm and then drifted away, his hand falling to the side.
Alex screamed. A scream that penetrated his very soul.
As Alex relived the heartbreaking moment in his dream, his unease intensified. His body twitched, and he mumbled “Brian” softly, trapped in the memory's grip .
Alex heard gunshots and barking. He felt hands try to pull him off Brian. He did not want to leave his best friend.
Just like always, as suddenly as it began, the nightmare fractured, disintegrating into a thousand shards of pain and torment. Alex jolted awake, his breath ragged, his body drenched in sweat.
He rose, covered in sweat, as tears began to roll down his cheeks. Jordan remained close to him. His face was filled with concern and fear. Alex was trying to make sense of everything. Shadow was up, out of his kennel, anxious, barking and nudging Alex. As Alex regained some of his senses, Shadow began to nuzzle his arm opposite Jordan.
Jordan held Alex tightly, saying, “It’s okay, it’s okay, you’re safe. Alex, you're safe. It’s okay.”
Embarrassed, shaken, and scared, Alex sat on the couch. He looked at Jordan’s face, which now was full of tears. “I’m sorry. God, Jordan, I’m so sorry.”
Alex tried to get up to escape, but Jordan held tight with the help of Shadow, pinning Alex’s arm under them both.
“Alex, stop. Relax, it’s okay. It was just a nightmare, okay? I’m fine, we’re fine. Look, it’s okay. It just startled me, but I’m fine, okay?” Jordan pulled back and lifted a weakened and flustered Alex to the sitting position. “It’s okay, you are okay.” Shadow remained next to Alex, lying on him.
Alex began to pat Shadow’s head and held Jordan’s hand. “I’m sorry that I scared you.”
Jordan looked at him and stroked his cheek. “It’s okay. As long as you are okay, everything is good.”
Alex smiled softly. “You can stop saying the word ‘okay’ now.”
Jordan sat beside Alex on the couch, his concern etched on his face. His comforting words did little to alleviate the gravity of the situation.
"I had no idea that anything was wrong," Jordan admitted. "I thought you were sweating because you were hot, you know, because you always run so damn hot. But Shadow knew before you started screaming."
Alex looked at Jordan, puzzled.
"This is amazing," Jordan continued, a sense of wonder in his voice. "Shadow must be trained to sense PTSD episodes and help his person come out of them. "
“They can do that?” Alex asked.
Jordan replied, “I’ve heard of dogs being able to tell if a seizure is about to occur in a person with epilepsy or a diabetic, so it makes sense that maybe Shadow was trained to sense how the body reacts during a PTSD episode. Alex, he was amazing. Even with his injured paw, he sprung up and to your side. It was beautiful to witness him trying to help you.”
Alex nodded, his expression a mixture of gratitude and exhaustion. He reached down to stroke Shadow's fur, silently thanking the faithful companion who had been there for him.
Just then, Alex’s demeanor changed, and he had a look of horror on his face. “Jordan, you and I thought Shadow jumped into my window because something startled or chased him. I was having a nightmare the night he jumped in. His shattering the glass woke me from it. I remember hearing barking just before I woke but was fuzzy, dizzy, and confused. If what you are saying is true, I’m why Shadow almost died.” Alex’s heart broke. His shoulders slumped, and he looked at Shadow and began crying. “I’m so sorry, so sorry.”
Jordan reached out to him. “It wasn’t your fault, Alex. You didn’t do anything to Shadow on purpose. Shadow was just doing what he was trained to do. He must have been outside and sensed you were in trouble, and he reacted to his training. You didn’t do this to him.”
The words fell on deaf and stubborn ears, and Alex broke.
“Jordan, I did this to him,” Alex said harshly. Jordan reached over to touch his arm, and Alex jerked it away, forcibly scaring Jordan with his action. Screaming at Jordan, he repeated, “I did this to him! Don’t you see? I am so fucked up in the head that the pain I cause isn’t only to me but to everyone around me. I should never have come here, Jordan. What if something happens to you or Aunt Lynn? What if my mind is so fucked up that my nightmares or panic attacks hurt people that I care about or an innocent dog who just happened to pass by a half-open window. He almost died. What the fuck kind of asshole am I that I would do that to him, to you, to her?”
Jordan, trying to remain calm, tried to say something, and Alex cut him off. “Go, Jordan. Go and take Shadow with you. I don’t want him getting hurt being around me. I can’t deal with this. I can’t be responsible for another person's or animal's death, Jordan, I can’t. I’m not strong enough. Go! Get out, go!” Alex was screaming. “Please stay away from me. It’s my fault, Jordan.”
Alex ran out of the room and entered the bedroom, slamming the door and screaming. “Go, please go, leave now!”
Sitting in the bedroom, Alex cried. Not a typical cry, but one that shakes you to the core of who you are. A cry that goes so deep it takes your breath away, and you feel like you are choking for lack of air and mucus falling from your nose. The tears were so painful that his eyes burned. He let Decker die, he hurt Shadow, Martin and Captain Hardwood were dead because of him. He looked at the repaired window of the bedroom and played back in his mind’s eye the moment when Shadow almost bled out. It brought so much despair and unhappiness that Alex didn’t know if he could go on. He sat on the floor at the foot of the bed and kept shouting “It’s all my fault!” over and over into the air, losing all track of the present.
A soft knock at the door brought him back to reality. He was covered in sweat and mucus. He even vomited a little, he thought, because of the sour smell. “Jordan, please leave. Please take Shadow and just leave. I can’t, Jordan, I can’t hurt you.”
A soft voice entered the room. “Alex, honey, it’s me, Aunt Lynn.”
She entered the room, and Alex started to cry again, wailing, not knowing how his body could produce more tears. Aunt Lynn raced across the room to where he was sitting on the floor and got down and held him tightly. He was crying so hard, and held him and didn’t say a word. She let him cry as much as he wanted, caressing his soft hair. He was so much bigger than her, yet in that moment, at that time, he was like a babe in her arms. He was four years old again, with a skinned knee. He was eight years old again, with a broken arm. He was sixteen years old again, with a broken heart, because he was rejected by those who were supposed to love him. She was his anchor. She always had been, she always would be.
She was here.