Chapter 35
My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I pull it out, pressing play.
It’s a great day to catch a wave . I’m ready when you are .
“Do we have to go?”
Looking up, I find Lucas staring at me as I pocket my phone and reach for the large tote bag to toss into my trunk. “Why not? It’s a gorgeous day.”
Lucas tugs at the bottom of his yellow rash guard. “It’s not summer yet.”
“Lucas.” I put my hands on my hips. “We live in Southern California. It’s summer most of the year.”
Lucas huffs. “Fine. But can we bring the kite?”
I gnaw on my lip. “Isn’t it broken?”
“Do you think Riley can fix it at work?”
Before I can answer, Lucas sprints to the garage, pulling open the door and returns with his kite in toe, damaged tail and all.
“We could get a new one,” I tell him as he gently places the broken kite on top of my tote bag in the trunk.
Lucas shakes his head. “Dad made this.”
I press my lips together. “Well, let’s see. Maybe Riley can tape it.”
I’m a ball of nerves before I even pull out of the driveway and head towards the beach. This is stupid, I think to myself. I blame Margot, the school counselor. She’s the one who put this into my head in the first place.
When I turn onto the Boulevard, I change my tune slightly . I still hate Margot, even though she means well. But I can, at least, do the thing I’m encouraging Lucas to do—just try. That’s all anyone ever can do. That’s what Riley and I will do today—try our best to tandem surf.
And tomorrow, we’ll try to fight the town and police department.
Both seem near impossible.
The only comfort I have is knowing that no matter what happens today, whether we inspire Lucas to gently face his fear and get into the water, or whether we take Tides home, I’ll know Riley and I gave it our all. Together.
When we get to the beach, Lucas hops out of the car as I open the trunk and runs in the direction of his name being called.
I follow his path, shielding my eyes from the sun with my hand and finding Lucas standing with Riley as they gaze at the surf. Lucas leans ever so slightly into Riley, like he knows he’s safe beside him even when in front of him, things are scary.
But I don’t want this kind of fear to be paralyzing for Lucas. Because one day, and I hope more than anything its decades away, Lucas will have to stand on his own.
I hurry into the side door of the shack.
“Early bird today,” Finn greets me with a smile before his eyes dart into the corner where the tandem board rests. “Ah. Today’s the day, huh? You picked a good one. And Caroline is on her way.”
I don’t need an audience beyond my particular crowd of one, but the idea that I do have people in my corner, I do have family on shore doesn’t make me nervous. It puts me at ease. Because, like grief, when you’re surfing, you’re on your own. But it doesn’t hurt to know that outside of the thick of it your people are cheering you on.
I look at the tandem board. Today I have Riley behind me.
Tossing my keys at Finn, I grab my wet suit hanging on the door of Riley’s office. “He brought his kite. Think you can fix the tail while we warm up?”
Finn nods. “I’ll keep him busy for a bit.”
After I slip into Riley’s office to change into my wet suit, I wait by the door before coming out, making sure The Shack is empty before I grab the tandem board from its spot in the corner, dragging it up the front because it’s so long and heavier than I care to admit. Lucas's and Finn’s voices sound from the side of the shop as I make my way to the front doors, reaching to flip the latch free so I can slide them open.
“Wait a second.”
Riley reaches down to share some of the weight of the board with me.
“We got this.”
I smile because I believe him.
“Do you see them?”
Riley lifts his neck. “No. Must still be working on the kite.”
I lean forward, pressing my folded legs into a stretch. “I mean, if we wait for them to finish, we might be here a while.”
“Harper.”
I turn my head, coming face-to-face with Riley who gently holds onto the board I sit on.
“What?”
“I’m going to tell you a secret.” Riley leans forward before whispering, “It doesn’t have to be perfect. It can be a bit messy or off balance and still be really great. You and me here right now? It’s really fucking great.”
I take a deep breath, but my exhale leaves a smile. Because Riley and me, we’re messy. We’re finding our new balance.
And he’s right, we’re really great.
Riley presses a kiss to my bare knee. “Don’t be afraid of falling, alright?”
I laugh. “Are you going to catch me this time?”
“I’ll try my best.”
His simple words put my heart at ease.
“Ready?”
I look up at the still relatively empty beach. “They’re not out front.”
Riley lifts his neck, letting out a whistle that pierces my ears.
“You’re going to need that for Tides.” I squeeze his hand. Because Riley believes in me offshore. I want him to know I believe in him on shore too.
I don’t want to linger too long on Riley’s grin, the one that cuts dimples so deep into his cheeks, I see the shape of them beneath his light beard. But I do linger. Just one more look, just one more second. Just one more memory to hold on to. I know, from experience, you never can have enough.
We both turn our attention to the shore when Lucas's small voice calls out for me and I sit straight up, watching Finn lift him onto his shoulders, recognizing Caroline’s dark red hair come into view as she jogs out onto the beach.
“Ready? Perfect set for this coming our way.”
I nod and turn over onto my stomach, sliding up toward the nose of the board as Riley climbs on behind me.
Riley’s hand gives my side a gentle squeeze before it falls in sync paddling with my own. “Let’s show that kid how you can do anything.”
All Riley and I manage to show Lucas on our first try is that sometimes you fall.
We show that on the second time too .
But the third time turns out to be the charm.
When I manage to securely sit on Riley’s shoulders and scooch up to stand, I gasp in surprise as if it’s the first time. I’ll never get used what the world can look like when someone lifts you up.
And I know it’s Lucas's first time seeing us really do this. He must be gasping too. I wiggle my fingers in a wave as he, Finn, and Caroline come into clearer view.
Riley squeezes my ankles. “Give it a try, tink.”
I center myself for just a second and I throw myself off Riley’s shoulders and land feet first into a safe spot in the water.
I think about the first day we completed this trick, and how I wanted to stay below the surface the same way I just wanted to stay high above it.
But I have a kid who I know is scanning the water, looking for me to pop out of it.
And when I do the cheers come. It’s not a big crowd. But the loudest noise comes from the one clapping the smallest hands and calling mommy with a voice that comes from the tiniest chest that holds my favorite heart.
Riley is breathing heavily not far in front of me, fighting the tide to wait for me to join so we head to shore together. When I make it to him, his hand snakes around my waist giving me a hug below water.
“I told you. Just try .”
I don’t stop myself from wrapping my arms around his neck for a second until we’re pushed by a bigger wave closer to the sandy beach. We stumble as we get out.
Lucas hasn’t been close to the ocean in almost a year. But he runs into it to get to me and jumps into my arms.
“You can fly !” He exclaims and I want to memorize the innocence of his voice so I can hear echoes of it forever. “Was it scary?”
“A little,” I answer honestly, still catching my breath. I dip closer. “But do you know what it also was? ”
Lucas shakes his head with anticipation.
I press my nose to Lucas's. “Fun.”
He grabs my face. “How did you learn?”
“Riley taught me.”
Lucas's eyebrows arch. “Taught you a backflip move?”
“Definitely not,” Riley says from beside us.
“He taught me how to surf. So I could learn how to properly stand—”
“Pop up,” Riley chimes in.
I smile. “He taught me so I could teach you .” I lower Lucas down. “What do you think? Do you want to try?”
Lucas peeks around me and out at the water, pressing his lips together in careful thought.
“You can just sit on the board if you want,” I gently offer. I don’t want to push, but on the inside, I’m pleading for Lucas to just get in. “We can sit together.”
He snaps his head back to me. “Sitting isn’t surfing.”
Riley snorts.
“No.” I laugh as well. “It’s not. But if you want to—”
“I want to surf ,” Lucas cuts in, matter-of-factly. “I want to surf like you guys.”
Finn steps forward, placing a hand on Lucas's shoulder. “I’ve got a wet suit that might fit you. Caroline, will you help me find it?”
I watch Caroline’s eyes float between me and Riley before she nods, turning to follow Finn and Lucas up to The Shack.
I place my hands on my hips, still breathing heavily and turn to Riley. “You did it,” he tells me.
Holding out a hand for a high-five, I correct him again. “We did it.”
Our hands slap together, Riley’s large palm overtaking mine as our fingers lace and then we both burst into excited laughter and I gasp when he pulls me to him, lifting me off my feet and spinning me around. We won nothing today. No prize, no reward. But when Riley stops spinning me and I look at The Shack, seeing Lucas’s little head bopping around the front through the open doors, I know, there wasn’t anything to win.
We already have it all.
“I’d kiss you now, but—”
I don’t wait for the right moment when it’s just the two of us. I kiss Riley. Long and firm, no hesitation and with total sincerity.
“You should teach him,” I say when I pull back.
A swell of emotion brews in Riley’s light eyes that he drops to the ground, unable to look at me even as I step back into the space between his feet.
“I know Nate would’ve wanted you to be the one he has this experience with.”
“You said this meant a lot to you.”
“I said that when I really thought I was the only person in Lucas's immediate life looking out for him. I didn’t see how much you have been his entire life, how much you mean to him until Nate died. And…” I look out at the water, taking a deep breath. “I’m sad Lucas lost out on so much with his dad. But I’m so happy he has you.”
When I turn back, Riley is smiling with tears in his eyes.
“Precious cargo though,” I add with a laugh. “Be careful with our boy, Riley.”
We share one more look before Lucas is running toward us, dragging his board and stealing our attention.
Stepping back, I ask Lucas, “Are you okay with Riley teaching you? I’ll watch the whole time.”
Lucas nods enthusiastically and moves toward Riley, who takes the board, laying it in the sand.
I back up as Caroline and Finn approach. She hands me a towel, and Finn walks over to Lucas and Riley, dragging another board, something shorter and more manageable for a one man show.
“I’m sorry,” I say to Caroline before I wipe my damp face and arms. “I know you know and I hate that neither of us actually told you. But you did marry his best friend. ”
She sighs and sits down. “I’m not mad ,” Caroline tells me. “I get why you didn’t, or don’t want people to know.”
I join her in the sand, burying my own feet. “A lot of people might not understand. But I guess, the important people do.” I look to her.
“You know you’re basically my sister anyway.” Caroline nudges me with her shoulder. “And if it’s you and Lucas who got Riley believing he could do something other than this…that’s not for nothing. Not at all.”
We both look at the boys. All three of them.
“We’ll go for one ride,” Riley tells Lucas, holding out a single finger for emphasis. “And then we’re starting from the bottom. Form. Technique. All of it. Welcome to surf school.”
Riley takes Lucas's hand, leading him toward the water. I expect him to hold the board steady beyond the break so Lucas can climb on, but instead, Riley lifts him onto his back.
“Go get ’em, Lucas!” Finn hollers before coming up and sitting next to Caroline before telling me, “He’ll be alright, Harper.”
The waves aren’t big, but have grown choppier since we came out of the water. But I’m filled with a sense of ease regardless.
“I know.”
Riley paddles out further from shore with Lucas in tow on his back. I stand to get a better view, watching Riley’s long arms turn the board so they face us. Over Riley’s shoulder is Lucas's little face and I make out the streak of nervous excitement that comes out off his smile even from far away because I know that exact kind of anticipation. It’s the look of knowing your breath is about to be stolen in the best way possible.
I just felt it, after all. I thought maybe there was no better feeling in the world than that moment. But no. Being a mother and watching your kid live through it? That’s the best feeling.
Riley begins to paddle, and I’m amazed watching the ease and grace he manages to have while popping up with an extra sixty pounds clinging to him.
Beside me, Finn and Caroline stand and we head closer to shore the moment Riley swings Lucas from his back and drops him into the space between his legs. And while they cut and bounce along the small wave out pours a sea of laughter that is the perfect sound of childhood. It’s the only thing that could add magic to the ocean.
Riley’s hands grip Lucas's waist and he drops off the board. Lucas never stops laughing. Riley doesn’t even let the water reach his chin. The tide hasn’t even gone back out yet before Lucas screams, “Just one more time!”
And they do. Again, and again, and again. For the rest of the morning, even though Lucas falls more than he successfully stands on the board on his own, Riley and Lucas don’t get out of the water, no matter how many times I call for them.
I give up trying and just sit and watch.
“He’s got a lot on his mind. Let him have some fun,” Caroline says, handing me an iced coffee after she and Finn went to pick up some breakfast. “Tomorrow he’ll have to wear a different suit.”
I push the straw through the opening of the plastic cap. “I wasn’t sure if it’s a good idea to bring Lucas. Tomorrow is his last day of Spring break.”
Caroline shrugs. “It either might be the happiest day of his life or…”
She trails off because we both know it couldn’t be the worst. That had to have been the morning Lucas woke up and I had to tell him that Daddy wasn’t coming home.
“Or give him some closure,” she says.
I hum and am about to reach for a breakfast sandwich from the bag between us when Finn calls out for me.
“Hey, Harper.” Something thumps beside me in the sand, and when I look down, I find the spool of string, following the line far back toward where Finn stands with the repaired kite .
Nestling my coffee in the sand, I grab the wooden handles, winding a little of the string tighter and step back from Caroline. I motion with my hand for Finn to move down the beach.
And like the rest of the day that’s been full of magic, the kite takes off practically on its own.
My neck will ache from rotating it between looking out at Lucas and Riley in the water and up at kite where Nate might be floating beyond it. But I’ll take the achy neck, the blisters threatening to form on my hands. Because everything else—my family—is the stuff dreams are made of even if it differs so much from the first round I drafted as a child.
It's been bitter and sweet and messy and it’s not lost on me that it’s been an absolute circus at times.
I look up at the kite and smile. It’s not that I wouldn’t change a thing. It’s that, right now, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Except, of course, for the soundtrack of this chapter of our life to features echoes of a familiar dog bark.