Chapter 21 #2
Itried not to let my disappointment show as I lay on the examination table while the doctor covered the probe with a protective sheath then applied a lubricating gel.
I had hope that Yosiah would show up at my appointment, but here I was, alone.
He hadn’t spoken a word about it either.
I saw that he had read the messages but never responded to any of them.
In the end, it seemed if I went through with this pregnancy I would be dealing with things alone.
Savannah offered to come for moral support, but I knew it was more out of pity.
It was written all on her face. I quickly shut her down.
I didn’t take pity or charity from anyone, even my best friend.
Even if it hurt, I refused to let it show.
My mind had been all over the place since running into my mom.
My spirit had been down and the only thing keeping me focused was my work with Simone.
Normally, when I felt this low I would drown myself in alcohol, but since I was with child, I couldn’t do that.
I had been trying to tell myself that I was nothing like either of my parents, but the more I did, the less convinced I became.
“This might be a bit uncomfortable,” Dr. Richards, my OB, mentioned. “I’m going to insert this to measure the fetus and see if we can hear the heartbeat. Take a deep breath for me.”
My eyes left my phone and went to her for a second before nodding. Soon as I felt pressure against my opening, I raised my eyes to the ceiling and did as she said.
Coming to this appointment made things real for me.
A few times I’d told myself the test was a false positive.
The nausea I had more often than I liked was caused by a bug I had caught and the tenderness in my breasts was just because of the sudden stimulation they had been getting lately.
Hearing the doctor confirm it for me and now seeing my baby on the screen shattered the false reality I had created in my head.
“You said you believe you conceived in April, correct?”
“End of March, beginning of April. Yeah,” I muttered, snapping out my thoughts.
My eyes stay locked on the ceiling. The sound of her clicking the machine caught my ears.
“Your baby looks good, measuring at about one and a half centimeters, which is normal. Without knowing your exact conception date, I would say you’re about eight weeks.
Just halfway through your first trimester. Want to hear the heartbeat?”
Swallowing hard, I nodded, still refusing to look at the screen. I had been thinking a lot about what my mom had said when I told her. I couldn’t bring myself to look at a baby whose life I’d probably already ruined before it was even born.
A few seconds later what sounded like a horse galloping filled the silence. “Heartbeat’s strong, measuring one sixty-five. Which is good.”
I zoned her out and she continued speaking. I should have just canceled the appointment. Hearing the heartbeat made me feel worse than I had before I arrived.
A knock on the door, then its opening sounded, I was so lost in my head that I didn’t realize who’d stepped into the room until I heard his voice.
“Oh good, I made it.” My head snapped to the side and my heart fluttered when my eyes landed on Yosiah.
I hated how good he looked in his tailored suit.
His hair was freshly cut and lined up, his goatee evenly shaped and neat.
My husband was so sexy it caused between my legs to tingle just looking at him.
“You’re here?” I couldn’t hide my shock.
He slid his eyes down to me with a look I couldn’t decipher on his face.
“You must be Dad?” Dr. Richardson.
I spoke up quickly. “Yes, that’s my husband.”
Yosiah’s dark eyes made goosebumps cover my skin. He stepped forward and held a hand out. “Sorry I’m late. Meetings ran longer than I expected. Yosiah Bedford.”
Dr. Richardson smiled and used her free hand to accept his.
“Dr. Richardson. And no worries, we’re just starting the ultrasound.
I was just explaining to your wife that by the fetus’s measurement I would say she’s about eight weeks along and the heartbeat is strong.
” She clicked a couple buttons and the galloping filled the room again.
I watched Yosiah as he eyed the screen, trying to gauge how he felt.
Heaviness lifted from me now that he was here.
It gave me hope that maybe things would be okay and he had forgiven me.
While his face stayed still, I didn’t miss how his eyes lit up.
Slowly, the corners of my mouth lifted and I reached out for his hand, grabbing ahold of it, and giving it a squeeze.
Briefly, he took his eyes from the screen and dropped them first to our now connected hands, then to my face. Again, I gave his hand a squeeze.
Thankfully he didn’t pull away, but he didn’t hold my hand either. It sat limp in my hold.
Trying not to take it personal, I twisted my neck and finally looked at my baby on the screen.
“Are you able to tell if it’s a boy or girl?” I wondered.
Dr. Richardson snickered. “Oh no, it’s far too early for that. I can tell you things with your baby look good though.”
“You hear that, hubby, the baby looks good.” I turned to him but was met with emotionless eyes. He pulled his hand from my grip and ran it down his mouth.
“Are you able to tell when she’s due?”
Either she didn’t feel it or she was ignoring the tension that could be cut with a knife between us. Dr. Richardson smiled and nodded.
Since I wasn’t sure exactly when I’d gotten pregnant, although I was sure it was the day I’d snuck into Yosiah’s man cave, she estimated my due date to be in December.
“And if we didn’t want to go forward with the pregnancy, does she have time to terminate?” My heart dropped into my stomach, my cheeks flushed with heat, and sorrow swirled in my gut. The smile on Dr. Richardson’s face slowly dropped and a surprised expression formed that she quickly tried to mask.
“And well, yes, she’s still able to safely terminate if she wanted.” Dr. Richardson made sure to emphasize the “she” part.
Yosiah nodded.
I didn’t know if I was embarrassed or pissed that he had been bold enough to ask a question like that. His refusal to speak to me about the matter and now his question showed me where he stood.
The mood in the room shifted and was now awkward. My appointment continued in silence, voices only heard if Dr. Richardson was speaking and I answered her.
“Here’s a couple of pictures for you both,” she said once the sonogram was over.
The two of us took one. Yosiah examined the black and white image with intensity.
“She’s done?” he asked, lowering the picture.
“Yes.”
He nodded. “I need to get back to work then.” The coldness coming off him was enough to freeze the sun. It pained me that I had reverted us back to this space after things were going so well. Just a week ago we were happy and now it felt as if we were strangers again.
Yosiah shot a glance my way before turning to leave.
I wanted to call out to him but I was embarrassed enough so I swallowed his name down and watched as he left.
“I’ll let you get dressed then I’ll come back so we can talk.” Dr. Richardson said, pulling her gloves off. I hated the softness in her voice now. It was clear that she felt bad for me and that was the last thing I wanted.
After washing her hands, she left me alone to wallow in my thoughts.
If I was on the fence, today helped pick a side to fall on.
I couldn’t have this baby. I didn’t want to be like my parents and bringing this baby into the world for my own personal gain would make me exactly that.
Not to mention, I didn’t want it to be hated by its father.
My eyes blurred and I inhaled a deep breath, ignoring the weight sitting in the center of my chest. Deep down I didn’t want to be pregnant, so this was the best choice for everyone.
It was clear I had lost, and whatever connection me and Yosiah had formed was now gone.
Come October he was going to divorce me and move on to find the woman he wanted to be with and start a family.
Meanwhile, I’d go back to being alone, aimlessly trying to fill the void permanently embedded inside me.