Chapter 23
Xylina
Fuck.
I tried to keep calm as Yosiah stood in front of me peering into me like a warden does prisoners during line up.
When I got home and saw he wasn’t here, I was relieved.
It would be easier to do what I needed to do without him looming over me.
Part of me felt guilty but this was the best decision for the both of us.
I didn’t accept defeat easily or normally, but there was a first time for everything.
For the past ten minutes I had been staring at the rectangular box, trying to ignore the guilt clawing at my heart.
Rocks piled in my stomach as I told myself this was for the best. Although my baby had been growing inside me for weeks now and I’d only recently found out about it, I started to believe I could be a better mother than I had.
Running into my mom at Nay Chic gave me the confidence I needed to be to my child what she never was to me.
I was ready to call a truce with my husband and make him see this was a good thing for both of us, but all that went out the window after last night.
I was confused when I woke up to Yosiah in my bed, but I wasn’t complaining.
I had missed his touch and affection. What I got last night wasn’t that at all.
Even the times before, Yosiah was never that rough or aggressive during sex.
I was used to his disconnectedness, but it was never painful or uncomfortable.
He looked at me with disgust, his kisses punishing and his touch was far from gentle.
I smelled alcohol on him, which also shocked me.
Since we’d been married, I’d never seen him that drunk.
When I tried to tell him he was hurting me, he continued to silence me, so eventually I took it.
I knew he was upset with me and hoped that if I accepted everything then we could get back to how things were two weeks prior.
Waking up this morning and seeing the teeth marks, fingerprints, and bruising on my skin shocked me.
Between my legs was sore and swollen, and when I wiped, there was a little blood.
It was then that I accepted the fact that Yosiah hated that I was carrying his kid.
Even after doing what I did to get pregnant, I felt sick to my stomach and decided to end the pregnancy.
I was so lost in my thoughts staring at the box that held the fate of my child’s life in just two pills that I didn’t hear Yosiah approaching my door. Now I stood in front of him, heart pounding, pulse racing, and hand clenched at my side holding the box for life.
I watched Yosiah slowly approaching me, bouncing his eyes from my face to my hand.
As he stopped in front of me, I held my breath, awaiting whatever he was prepared to say.
This morning when we ran into each other, he didn’t mention last night, so I didn’t either.
In fact, I wanted to forget I had experienced that side of him.
When one of his hands lifted toward my face, I flinched unintentionally, causing his mouth to turn upside down.
My throat tightened when he laid hands on my neck and brushed over the tender flesh.
I wasn’t against being marked up during sex.
In fact, I often enjoyed it. It showed everyone that I belonged to my husband and he had claimed me, but I wasn’t a masochist. I didn’t get off on pain and aggression.
His hand slowly dragged down to the marks on my chest. The muscles in his jaw flexed.
I couldn’t tell what he was thinking, which had me on edge.
I didn’t fear Yosiah. He wasn’t a violent man.
In fact, over the years I had been shocked that he had as much patience as he did.
But last night had me on guard. The baby thing was obviously something that sent him over the edge, bringing out something in him I’d never seen before.
His eyes suddenly snapped to mine, causing them to balloon and my body to tense.
He didn’t say a word when he moved his hand.
Panic bloomed when I felt his fingers touch my now clammy hand that held the box.
I was sure my heart was about to explode and shoot out of my chest. My lungs struggled to work properly. The grip I had on the box grew tighter.
Yosiah never took his eyes off me as he pried my fingers open, removing the box.
Large, red, flashing lights went off in my head, shouting at me to get the box from him, but it was like my feet and arms had been encased in cement.
I wasn’t even sure why I was so scared. It wasn’t like Yosiah wanted this baby and I was doing this for him.
Maybe it was because I never saw myself in this position before.
Ending a life that didn’t even get the chance to properly start left an ill taste in my mouth.
I never cared what anyone thought about me until Yosiah.
He had told me he was proud of me, that I was doing good.
He praised me in ways I’d never heard before.
I didn’t want that taken away from me. Seeing disappointment in his eyes when he looked at me was crippling.
I could deal with annoyance, and even anger, but after growing close to him and finally getting past that barrier he set up, there was no way I could accept such a large step backwards.
So this was for the best. But why did I feel dread and uneasiness?
Why was I hesitating? Why didn’t I want to let go of the one and only thing that could truly bond me to Yosiah for the rest of my life?
“Xylina.” Yosiah’s voice was low yet firm. His piercing stare on me made my nerves rattle even more. “What is this?”
My mouth grew dry and suddenly it was like my tongue was too large for my mouth as I tried to respond.
When I didn’t respond, he called my name again, this time a bit sterner.
It was time to put on my big girl panties. I wasn’t some meek, weak bitch. Hell, I’d never given a thought to even being a mother, so there was no reason to be so nervous about anything.
Straightening my spine and tilting my chin up, I matched his stare. “I’m handling the problem I caused, so I would appreciate it if you gave those back.” I held my hand out.
“Handling the problem you caus…” Yosiah seemed to be speaking to himself but his words soon faded and his eyes grew with realization of my words. “These abortion pills?”
With a clipped nod, I pushed my hand out further, waiting for him to drop the box.
It surprised me to see anger twist his face. I for sure thought he would practically force them down my throat. “What the hell you got these for? Did you already take them?”
Dumbfounded now, I shook my head, confused at why he seemed angry.
“And you won’t.” Before I could ask what he meant, I watched as he turned and stalked in the direction of my bathroom. I couldn’t see what he was doing, but after hearing the toilet flush and him returning without the box, I had an idea.
“Yosiah, what the hell did you just do!” Adrenaline shot through my body at an uncomfortable speed.
“Stopping you from making a mistake!”
“A mistake? I was trying to free you! You made it clear that you didn’t want this baby and I—”
“Our baby!” He cut me off, his voice booming before stalking toward me.
My body tensed when he reached forward, gently placing his hand on my stomach for the first time.
“You weren’t the only one involved in creating it.
Yet you’re trying to make a decision for both of us without consulting me.
Explain to me why you keep doing that shit, Xylina?
You keep making life changing decisions as if they don’t affect those around you?
” His hand stayed resting on my stomach as he waited for my answer.
Our baby.
I was still stuck on those words as my brain caught up to what he asked. Yosiah didn’t even yell or sound forceful, instead he sounded tired. Like any fight he had in him was disappearing.
Swallowing hard, I tried to gather a response. My mind was clouded with so many thoughts it was hard to find the right words.
“I got pregnant because I believed you wouldn’t leave me if I did.
I knew you wanted kids and a family of your own, so I used that to my advantage.
I stopped taking my birth control and purposely tampered with the condom the day it broke to make sure I got pregnant when I was most fertile.
” Tucking my lips into my mouth I swallowed the shame threatening to show.
Just saying the words out loud and hearing how desperate and insane it all sounded made me feel lower than I’d ever felt.
I was a lot of things, but I never saw myself being this person.
Yosiah’s eyes darkened as I spoke. His hand flexed on my stomach and his jaw muscles twitched but stayed silent.
“When things with us started to shift and you started showing genuine interest in me, I pushed the plan of getting pregnant to the back of my mind, abandoning it altogether. I was happy to finally matter and be seen by someone important to me. I didn’t—” My words stumbled as my heart grew heavier in my chest. “I didn’t want to keep burdening you after we finally started to get along. ”
Pressure built behind my eyes. My whole life I’d felt like a burden with my parents and now here I was again having that same feeling. What was wrong with me that the people closest to me who should have loved me loathed me so strongly?
Clearing my throat, I pushed a heavy breath through my nose.
“You’re a good man, Yosiah, and I know that.
Even if you hated the thought of having a kid with me, you wouldn’t tell me to get rid of it.
I didn’t want to put that on you either, not when I made the choice to do this.
So I was going to handle it and carry that weight alone. ”
“You’re right. I would never ask you to abort my child, no matter how it was conceived. But that doesn’t mean I wanted you to do it in the first place.”