Chapter 23 #2
Yosiah released a long, exasperated sigh, removing his hand from my stomach and dragging it down his face.
This was what I wanted to avoid. I didn’t want to cause any more issues for him.
“It’s time we talk, Xylina.” Yosiah grabbed my hand, dragging me to my bed and nodding for me to take a seat.
My heart pounded in my ears as I climbed on my bed and folded my legs in front of me. Yosiah sat next to me and leaned forward, resting his face in his hands.
“I flushed those pills because I came here to tell you I wanted you to have this baby,” he started, surprising me.
Lifting his head, he tilted it so he was facing me.
“Things between us have been rocky from the beginning but I realize nothing will ever be resolved if we don’t sit and have a real conversation. So, you ready to talk like two adults?”
This version of Yosiah was what I was used to. The calm, patient, in control man in front of me. If he was ever troubled, he never displayed it and handled whatever it was with confidence.
Slowly, I bobbed my head up and down while fumbling with my hands in my lap. “First, and the most important question, do you want to have this baby? Don’t answer based on how you think I would feel or what I want. I want to know what you want.”
It was a valid question but one I struggled to answer right away. Since learning I was pregnant, I’d never actually taken time to think how I felt deep down about having a child. Every decision was made out of calculating desperation.
“I don’t know,” I answered honestly. My eyes dropped to my hands.
“I never pictured myself being a mother. Truthfully, you and your mom were right when you said I was too selfish to be a mother. I think about the life I had, and even though I was given any and everything I wanted, I never had a mother or father. I know what that does to a child and how it leaves a hole inside you that refuses to heal or close. I don’t want that for my kid.
If I turned out like my mom was, I would hate myself. ”
“You won’t be like her,” he responded with certainty.
“You don’t know that.”
Yosiah reached out, placing his hand on my knee and squeezing. “I do because you’re not a heartless person, Xylina. You act and react based on your upbringing, but that doesn’t make you a bad person.”
“Doesn’t mean I’ll be a good mom either.”
“That’s true.” My heart sank when he removed his hand from my knee. “But I believe you can be one. And you won’t be alone. You’ll have me by your side helping you.”
“So you want me to have the baby?”
He nodded with a hint of a smile playing at his mouth.
“I do. I felt attached to it when I saw it on the screen at your appointment. I wasn’t sure how to process how I felt seeing it, so I ran.
I should have been by your side the whole time and it was wrong of me to leave how I did.
I won’t do that again and going forward I’ll handle things better. ”
Heat sparked in my stomach. The vines that felt like they had been wrapped around me started to loosen slightly.
“And you’re not just saying that? You really want me to keep it?”
“I do. At the end of the day I know the choice is yours, but I hope it’s one we could make together.”
“And if I decide to keep it, then what? What about us? Should I prepare to birth a child as a divorced woman?”
The words felt heavy leaving my mouth, but it was time I faced reality and asked the hard questions. I had been fooling myself for too long that everything would work out because I was arrogant and possibly overconfident that Yosiah would choose to stay with me.
I held my breath awaiting his response, telling myself that no matter what he said I would agree without a fight. Holding onto someone against their will was something I couldn’t do anymore.
“I can’t answer that right now,” he finally stated. “A couple of months ago, I could have said yeah with no hesitation, but as of right now, I’m not sure that’s what I want.”
A small speck of hope filled me. “We have months until the contract is over, so in that time let’s take it day by day.
I can admit the past month I enjoyed our time together and I liked the person I was seeing.
I want to get to know her more. Not the girl I first married, but the woman who took me on my birthday trip. Forget the contract right now.”
While it wasn’t a yes, it wasn’t a no either. I was used to people going along with what I wanted and giving into my demands with ease. Having to learn patience and trying not to bulldoze the answer I wanted was challenging but I was fighting against the whiny nag threatening to come out.
“Okay, I can do that. We’ll be dating then?”
“Yeah, dating.”
Yosiah scanned me and suddenly his face fell and his expression grew serious.
“I need you to strip for me.”
His sudden request caught me off guard. I stared at him like he was crazy, furrowing my brows and scrunching my nose.
“What? Why?”
He licked his lips. “Because I need to see something. So strip for me, please.”
My heart stumbled and my stomach twisted. Giving a slight nod, I did as he asked, slowly removing my clothes until I was only in my bra and panties.
Yosiah’s face darkened as he scanned my body slowly. The way he watched me caused the hairs on the nape of my neck to rise and heat bloom in me.
“I did this? Last night?” he questioned, slowly reaching out and lightly brushing his fingers over the deep red bruising on the top of my chest.
Glancing to the side, I nodded, pulling my bottom lip with my teeth. Continuing to scan me, he inhaled sharply seeing the handprints between my thighs. It didn’t hurt but his grip on me had been a bit tighter than normal.
“Fuck. I’m sorry. I don’t even remember doing any of this? Does it hurt?” His voice dripped with remorse.
I shook my head. “A little tender to the touch but that’s it.”
“Why didn’t you stop me?” He flicked his eyes to my face, then back between my legs. “It had to hurt.”
“Well, I figured since I was the cause of everything I could endure it and be fine. It wasn’t completely painful to the point where I couldn’t tolerate it.”
His mouth pinched together and he suddenly grabbed both of my shoulders, giving me a slight shake.
“Don’t do that shit again! Never let me or anyone else handle you like that. The way I marked you up, the bruising, none of that shit is okay. I should have never even taken you while I was angry and drunk.” His burning stare caused a shiver to shoot through me. “I didn’t hurt the baby, did I?”
“No, it’s fine. I’m fine. You got out of hand. It’s no big deal, Yosiah.”
“But it is. I practically assaulted you.”
“No you didn’t! Don’t say that!” His words pained me. I didn’t want him to carry that burden. Yosiah wasn’t that kind of guy.
His nose flared slightly and his jaw clenched. “Just promise me next time you’ll speak up.”
“Fine, okay. If it’s too much for me, I’ll tell you to stop.
” I lifted a hand and cuffed his cheek. “Plus, I should be the one apologizing. This is my fault anyway. I should have never purposely gotten pregnant.” I still wasn’t used to apologizing, but if I wanted us to work, I knew taking accountability when I did something wrong was necessary.
Yosiah’s eyes softened. His teeth scraped over his bottom lip and he moved in slowly. I held my breath when his lips touched my skin ever so lightly, placing soothing, gentle kisses along my marked flesh.
“I’ll never lose control or get angry like that again.” His warm breath brushed over my skin. I tucked my bottom lip into my mouth and balled my hands into fists when he dragged his tongue over my neck.
“Yosiah,” I breathed lightly. Blood rushed to my center, causing it to throb. As if he knew, Yosiah moved one of his hands to my thigh and massaged it gently.
“Let me make it up to you.” He shifted so he was over me and tenderly pushed me backwards.
Blinking slowly I watched him remove my panties and spread my thighs wide. His eyes filled with regret while staring at my lower lips. They were still a bit swollen the last time I used the bathroom.
Dropping to his stomach, he kissed my pussy lips lightly. A soft moan fell from my mouth. He made a trail of kisses from my pussy to my thighs, every so often running his tongue along my skin.
“You’re still so pretty down here, even swollen and reddened.” He slid a finger through my wetness.
“Can’t believe my baby’s gonna come out this small hole in a few months.
” I whimpered when he pushed a finger into me.
It was slightly uncomfortable but not enough to stop him.
Happiness exploded inside me now that me and Yosiah had made up.
It had only been two weeks but it felt longer.
From now on I would work on thinking before acting, in order to avoid any conflict between us.
I had become addicted to his touch and refused to do anything that would keep me from it.
“Are you sure this is a good idea?” I asked Yosiah as he led me to his parents’ front porch.
“You’re having my baby and we’ve agreed to give our marriage a fair shot. That said, I don’t want you and my mom at odds anymore. She’s going to be the only grandma our baby has anyway, so it’s only right the two of you make amends.”
On their own accord, my lips poked out and I rolled my eyes.
It wasn’t that I didn’t agree with him. Having a good mother around to help me was what I wanted, but Yosiah’s mother was frustrating and too judgmental.
She never gave me a chance or hid her dislike for me.
I wasn’t good with holding my tongue when I was disrespected, but for Yosiah I would try to play nice.