Chapter 26
Chapter Twenty-Six
SCOTTIE
“Morning,” Wilder says as he kisses my shoulder, stirring me awake.
I peep my eyes open and look around, taking in our cabin and the lovemaking minibar on the counter.
“How did we get here?” I ask as I turn over, feeling Wilder’s hand cross over my stomach.
“I carried you back to the cabin,” he says, his thumb caressing my skin.
“You did?” I ask, surprised. “Wait…did I pass out last night?”
He chuckles. “Yeah, Pips. You did. I had other plans when we got out of the water, but you changed those plans the moment you closed your eyes and started sleeping on my shoulder. I didn’t have it in me to wake you up, so I brought you back here.”
“Ugh, I’m sorry. Wine does that to me.”
“It’s fine.” He leans down and kisses my forehead. “Breakfast was delivered to us this morning.”
I lift up and spot a tray on the table near the window. “What time is it?”
“Nine.”
“What?” My eyes shoot open. “Seriously?”
“Yes.” He chuckles. “That wine really conked you out. I made a note to never give you wine ever again.”
“Are we missing anything?”
Wilder shakes his head. “Sanders left us a note that said to take our time this morning and reemerge when we’re ready. Which means we won’t be ready until dinner.” He wiggles his brows, and I push at his forehead, laughing.
I roll away from him, surprised he doesn’t grab me and pull me back into bed. I find his shirt on the ground, so I put it over my head. When I turn around to look at him, he has a disgruntled look on his face.
“Uh, was kind of hoping for a naked breakfast this morning.”
“You can be naked,” I say. “But I can’t possibly sit there naked and eat a meal. Having my boobs out in the open like that while having a casual conversation is not ideal.”
“Really? Because it’s ideal for me.”
I roll my eyes and take a seat at the table. Wilder grumbles and slips on a pair of shorts before joining me.
Today, it’s a make-your-own yogurt parfait, so I start by scooping some yogurt into my bowl, adding berries, granola, some chia seeds, and then a drizzle of honey on top. I cross one leg over the other and then pick up a spoon and start eating as I look over at Wilder, who hasn’t moved. He’s just staring at me.
“What?” I ask.
He slightly tilts his head to the side and says, “You’re beautiful, Scottie.”
I can’t hold back my smile as I look down at my yogurt. “Um, thank you.”
“I’m serious.”
This time, I look him in the eyes and say, “I know you are.”
He nods and then still leaves his bowl untouched as he says, “Can I see you after this?”
“Huh?”
“Can I take you out on a date after this, when we get back to the city?”
“Oh.” I shift in my seat. “I mean…is that what you want?”
“I wouldn’t ask if that wasn’t what I wanted.”
“I know, but you said you weren’t ready for anything like that. Dating. Relationships.”
“Well aware what I said,” he replies. “And I’m also well aware of what I’m asking now.”
I set my bowl down on the table as things grow serious very quickly. “I’d like to see you again,” I say, not holding back the truth. “But I just…I want to make sure you’re in the right headspace. You know? Sure, this all feels great now, and there is some clouding of the brain from the fun we’ve been having, but when reality strikes and we’re back in the city, I’m back at my job, and you’re volunteering, I think there are a lot of factors that we need to consider. And I don’t…I don’t think I can risk the idea of being with someone who doesn’t know completely what he wants.”
“Scottie, I know I want to see you again.”
“And I really appreciate that,” I say, the scars on my heart feeling like they’re being tugged on. “But I’ve been hurt badly, and I can see myself becoming very attached to you—a part of me already has—and even though we’re having fun, I can’t risk that attachment out of fear that you’re not going to be ready to take that step forward.”
“But I am.”
I shake my head. “It’s so easy to say that when you’re here at camp, with nothing else going on in your life. I just think…maybe we need to have this conversation later, you know?”
He slowly nods his head. “Yeah, I understand.” He picks up a bowl, and I can see the defeat in his shoulders, which makes me feel awful.
“Please don’t be mad at me,” I say.
His eyes meet mine. “I could never be mad at you, Pips,” he says softly in that deep timbre. “My number one priority when it comes to you is making sure you’re comfortable. I want to make sure you’re taken care of. And if this is how you feel, then that’s that. This journey, it’s about you. It’s not about me.”
“That makes me seem selfish.”
“It doesn’t. But even if it did, don’t you think it’s time for you to be a little selfish?”
“I don’t think there is ever a good time to be selfish,” I reply.
“When it comes to your mental health, yeah, there’s always a good time to be selfish. And you’ve worked hard while being here, Scottie. I’m really proud of you, so I don’t want you to lose that momentum.”
And when he says things like that, it makes me want him that much more, because he’s so understanding, supportive, the kind of guy that I want in my life. And that’s why I worry, because I’m already attached. What happens when we get back to the city, he takes me out, I grow even more attached, and then he decides he’s still not ready?
He said it to my face; he doesn’t do dating. He doesn’t do relationships because he’s not ready, because there are things hanging over his head that are preventing him from committing. I can’t risk the possible heartache of falling for someone who, in the end, figures out that they’re not ready.
He might be feeling a certain way now, but how do I know he won’t change his mind when we’re back in reality?
“I can see your mind working over there,” he says.
“Just trying to figure out what’s going on in my head.”
“It’s fine, babe,” he says casually. “I understand the assignment.”
“What assignment?” I ask.
His eyes meet mine as he pauses, scooping some yogurt into his bowl. “That I’m going to have to prove to you just how serious I am about this.”
“Wilder—”
“Don’t worry. There’ll be no pressure, and this’ll be entirely your decision, but don’t think I’m not going to make it damn hard on you.” He smirks and then plops more yogurt in his bowl. “Get ready to be wooed, Pips.”
“Tomorrow is our last day,” Sanders says as he sits in his chair in a cutoff T-shirt with a green tie and jeans. “You’re free to go home, and I always take this day to go over what your plans are for when you return to regular life.”
Wilder has his arm around me as we sit side by side on the couch. After breakfast, he pulled me up by my hand and took me to the shower, where he teased me with the flesh sword. I swatted it away multiple times. There are things I will do, but backing up to a suction-cup penis on the shower wall is not one of those things. Instead, I sat on top of Wilder and rode him, which was so much better than any other device in the cabin.
“Keeping the communication open,” Wilder says. “We were just talking about what we’re going to do when we go home.”
Oh God, what is he going to say?
“And what was that conversation like?” Sanders asks.
“She’s hesitant,” Wilder says. “I think even though we had a good time here and made some great strides toward a better marriage, there’s still the concern that if we aren’t here at the camp, being challenged, we might fall back into old habits.”
“That’s a very valid concern,” Sanders says as he picks up a hockey stick. He starts balancing a puck on the blade as he walks around. It’s so distracting, something I will never get over. “And it’s the main concern I get from all my couples. So how do you think you’ll combat it?”
“I think we just need to keep having honest conversations and putting in the effort to be better,” Wilder says. “I know I have plans of my own to show her how committed I am to her.”
“Care to share those plans?” Sanders asks.
Wilder shakes his head. “Nah, they’re not for her ears.”
“Keeping a little mystery in the relationship. That’s always good. As long as it’s not hindering your communication.” Sanders pops up the puck and catches it on the blade again. “What about you, Scottie? What are your plans for when you get back?”
“Umm…” I look up at Wilder and then back at Sanders. “I don’t…I don’t really know.”
Sanders pauses, and his brows shoot up. “You don’t know?”
Feeling the pressure, I shake my head. “I’m, uh, I’m just, you know, trying to figure things out.”
He now takes a seat on the arm of the chair. “Can I ask what there is to figure out? Is there doubt about your relationship with Wilder?”
Tongue-tied, I try to figure out how to answer, but before I can, Wilder says, “I think she’s been hurt.” Wilder squeezes my shoulder. “And I think it’s easy to spend eight days in the woods, where you can forget about real life, but when you go back to your normal life, when you go back to your home, where you’ve experienced that hurt firsthand, it reminds you of the bad. And I think that’s something we are going to have to overcome together. I don’t blame her for having these feelings,” Wilder continues, making tears well up in my eyes. Why is he so understanding? Why is he so great? “I’m glad she has these feelings, because that means she’s processing, which means she’s trying to figure out exactly what she wants in her life. This time at Camp Haven has given us the chance to explore our wounds in neutral territory. Now the hard work is ahead of us, healing those wounds.”
I swipe at my eyes as tears fall down my cheeks.
“Why are you crying?” Sanders asks.
I suck in a deep breath and say, “Wilder just…he has shown me what I deserve while I’m here, and I guess I’m trying to accept that.”
It’s a confusing statement for someone who thinks we’re married, but it’s also a true statement for the relationship that Wilder and I really have.
Sanders looks over at Wilder for confirmation, and of course, Wilder, being the honorable man he is, says, “She deserves the world, and I’m ready to give her that.”
My eyes well up again while my emotions get the best of me.
Because I want what he has to give me. I do.
But I also know he has reservations.
I know he might not be fully ready.
And I know that I’m already growing attached.
Not wanting to have this moment in front of Sanders, I stand from the couch and say, “Excuse me.”
The water laps against the dock poles below me as I dangle my feet, my hands resting on the edge of the dock. Ducks float across the water in front of me, and the distant sound of the camp winding down is behind me.
There are some couples playing volleyball off to the left, another couple out on the lake in a rowboat, and a few couples are over at the dining hall doing arts and crafts.
I’ve been sitting on the dock for probably a solid twenty minutes, quietly crying to myself, when I hear footsteps along the wooden planks. I know exactly who it is.
I wipe at my eyes, ready to be enveloped in Wilder’s strong embrace, when someone clears their throat behind me. I look back, and instead of seeing Wilder standing there with his handsome face, it’s Chad.
God, not what I want to deal with right now.
I turn back around, not wanting to give him the time of day, but he says, “Can I join you?”
“If you need to,” I say in an annoyed tone. I swipe at my eyes again, trying to clear out the tears.
Chad doesn’t get the hint and instead takes a seat next to me, causing me to scoot over so we’re not sitting shoulder to shoulder.
“I’m really not in the mood to spar, Chad.”
“I’m not either,” he says in a subdued tone, any antagonization completely gone. That’s when I look over at him and see just how defeated he seems. He lets out a shaky breath and says, “Uh, things aren’t looking good for me and my wife.”
“What?” I ask, turning toward him.
This is not what I was expecting at all. They seemed fine. Happy.
He slowly nods, staring down at his hands. “We’re having a really hard time getting pregnant, and it’s taking its toll on us. She’s been taking hormones, and we’ve been having sex like clockwork, taking all the romance out of it because now we’re pinned to a calendar of ovulation.” He pulls his hand over his face. “And I thought that maybe being here, getting a chance to reconnect, would help but, uh, it doesn’t seem like it’s working.”
Stunned that he’s even divulging this to me, I say, “I don’t want to sound rude, Chad, but given our history, are you being serious? Is this a real confession?”
“I can see where the skepticism comes in, since we haven’t had the best camaraderie since being here or in the office for that matter, but yeah, I’m being serious. She told me last night that she’s no longer happy, and I honestly don’t know where to go from here.”
“Once again, not to be rude, but why are you telling me this? Aren’t you closer with Brad or Finky? Or even Duncan?”
“I am,” he says. “But you’re the one who I admire. You’re the one that seems to have turned it around with your husband. You seem like someone who could give me some good advice.”
And just like that, guilt consumes me. So he didn’t think we were faking it? He really believed me and Wilder?
How?
He made it seem like he was on to something.
And now he wants advice?
How can I sit here and give this man advice when I’m the one with a failed marriage?
I’m the one who couldn’t turn it around.
I’m the one who couldn’t muster up enough interest from her husband to even try.
“I know that we haven’t really gotten along, and I know it’s because I’ve been frustrated, and I took that frustration out on you unjustly. I was jealous. I was out of my mind, trying to hold it together, and unfortunately, you were the one I decided to take my anger out on. I’m really sorry, Scottie. I’ve been…hell, I’ve been incredibly shitty to you.”
More tears well up in my eyes, and I let them fall, hitting my shorts, because I know that feeling. I know what he’s going through, those thoughts of helplessness, yet he’s coming to me for advice.
“Shit, I’m sorry, Scottie. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
I shake my head. “It’s not you. It’s me.”
This is all on me.
“Are…are things with you and Wilder not going well?”
“No, they are,” I say as the truth bubbles up inside me. It’s the guilt. It’s the uncertainty. It’s Chad thinking that I’m some sort of perfect person who can revive a dying marriage, when in reality, I’m just a fraud. And before I can stop myself, I say, “Things with Wilder are just…they’re not real.”
He pauses for a second and then asks, “Wait…really?”
I nod.
“So all of this…it was…it was a farce?”
I cover my face and let out a small sob, shaking my head. “God, I’m so stupid.”
Gingerly, he pats my back, and I take that as his uncomfortable way of trying to comfort me. But he shouldn’t have to be comforting me, because this is all a lie. My entire relationship with Wilder, it’s been a lie, and I didn’t think it was that big of a deal, but now that Chad is coming to me for advice on how to fix his marriage, I can see it’s very much a big deal. Because I don’t want people getting the wrong impression about me and Wilder, thinking that maybe some communication can solve things, because that’s not true at all.
I tried communicating with Matt.
And look where I am now…at a marriage camp with a fake husband, learning that there are actually good men out there. I had just married a dud.
Despite a slight concern this could backfire on me, I decide honesty is better for Chad. It’s time to be honest all around. That’s probably the best way to step forward.
“Wilder is not my husband,” I say. “He’s my best friend’s brother. He came with me here to pretend to be my husband. The fighting, the arguing, it was all a farce.” I turn to look at Chad through watery eyes. “I was trying to fit in at work, and when you called me out in the conference room, I…I just felt like I needed to save face, so I went along with the lie. I’m so sorry, Chad. It was stupid, and I shouldn’t have made you think that my marriage could be so easily fixed when that’s not the case at all. Because the reality is I was married to a man named Matt, and we couldn’t work it out. I carry that guilt with me every day, something I didn’t realize until I came here. So yeah, don’t come to me for marriage advice, because my marriage failed.”
Silence falls between us, and I don’t blame him. What can he really say to that?
“Wow,” he says, and I brace myself for the snide comments, for the victory parade that he’s in the right and I’m in the wrong, but instead, he turns toward the lake and says, “I’m sorry, Scottie.”
“What?” I say, wiping at my eyes.
“I’m sorry. I know what it feels like to have your marriage slip through your fingers, watching it slowly float away, and no matter what you do, you can’t do anything about it. I’m really fucking sorry.”
Umm, wow. Was not expecting that. Chad taking the high road. I’m…I’m shocked.
“Thank you,” I answer softly. “I’m sorry about you and your wife. Matt and I never tried to get pregnant, and I think it’s because when we were ready, we both kind of knew that it wasn’t something that would help the marriage, only hinder it, so I can’t imagine what you’re going through.”
“Yeah, it’s not easy.” He blows out a heavy breath and then lightly chuckles. “You know, at first, I thought that maybe something was up, something was fishy, but then the more I watched you, the more I pushed that thought away. And to be honest, you had me fooled. I could have sworn you and Wilder were married. The way you two interact together, how he looks at you…it seems real, at least from the outside.”
I press my lips together, more tears coming to my eyes. “It, uh, it turned into something when we were here. I wasn’t expecting it, but yeah, there are feelings between us.”
“Then why are you crying?” he asks.
“Because I’m scared,” I answer honestly. “I put my whole heart into my marriage, but I was ignored. My needs were ignored. He wasn’t interested in me, and it did a number on my confidence. When I moved to New York, I was trying to start a new journey, a new chapter, but I realized that it was pretty hard with all the baggage I was carrying. Wilder, he opened my eyes to that baggage and had me face it head-on with him by my side. He made me see my worth and made me stand up for myself. He’s been so different from Matt, and that…that scares me, because I can see myself growing attached?—”
“But you don’t want to get hurt again,” Chad finishes for me.
“I can’t get hurt again,” I say softly. “I’m still so raw, and Wilder previously told me he’s not in a position to know what he wants when it comes to relationships and dating, but he wants to try.”
“But you’re too scared to try when you know you already have an attachment.”
“Correct,” I say, surprised that Chad gets it so well.
“It’s hope,” he says. “It’s debilitating, because when it doesn’t work out, you have to be the one that sits in that crushed hope and figure out how to swim your way out. I get it. I’m there right now. Coming here, to a place we loved before, I had all the hope in the world that we would make things work, but I just don’t think that’s going to happen.” He sighs. “I’m really sorry.”
“I’m sorry too,” I say and then put my arm around him and rub his back. “And I’m sorry I lied. I’ll come clean to everyone.”
“No, don’t,” he says. “This can stay between you and me. I get why you did it. We haven’t made it easy for you to fit in at the office.”
“Yeah, but I can’t keep up this farce. People will ask.”
“So are you saying you’re not going to at least give it a shot with Wilder? Because there has to be something there, right?”
“There is,” I say. “I’ve never been treated the way he treats me, and I know he’s genuine, because he’s not the kind of man who would blow smoke up my ass, but he’s also two years younger and doesn’t quite know what he wants, and I can’t be his guinea pig, you know?”
“I get that.”
I pull my legs in close. “It feels so weird talking to you about this, but I just think…I think I need to come clean. As I’m hearing you talk about you and your wife, it makes me think I shouldn’t give out false hope. And I know everyone is different, and I truly hope that you and Danielle work things out, but Wilder and I shouldn’t be the ones that people look up to.”
“I understand,” he says.
And then we sit there in silence for a moment, both of us staring out at the lake.
“If you ever want to chat about this some more, Chad, you can always come into my office.”
“Same, Scottie. Same.”
“Is everything okay?” Sanders asks as I take a deep breath.
I asked Sanders, Ellison, and Wilder to meet with me in the therapy cabin. I haven’t seen Wilder since I left our session, so when he came up to me, looking concerned, I felt incredibly guilty. But this needs to be done.
“Um, no, not really.” I twist my hands on my lap, feeling really nervous and hoping this doesn’t affect me and my job. “I need to come clean about something.” I feel Wilder stiffen next to me, but I keep pushing forward. “When I told the office that I was married and that my husband and I were going through some rough times, I lied.”
Ellison sits up straight, looking confused.
“Wilder is my best friend’s brother, who is into improv and volunteered to act as my husband.”
“What?” Sanders says, looking confused.
“What are you doing?” Wilder asks me under his breath.
“I can’t do this anymore,” I say and then address Ellison. “I’m sorry I lied. I wanted to feel like I was a part of the company and the marriage clique. I tried to fit in like an idiot, and well, you see how that went. The truth is I was married to a man named Matt, and we couldn’t make it work. All the things I told you in our sessions, Sanders, those were things about Matt. All the struggles I faced, the lack of confidence, they all derived from my first marriage. Wilder was just kind enough to go along for the ride and take the brunt of all my complaints.”
“I see,” Sanders says as he leans back in his chair and studies us.
“I’m really sorry, Ellison, and I know if you want to hold this against me, I understand. Lying does not belong in the workplace. I want you both to know that this was all on me and not on Wilder.”
“No,” Wilder says. “I played an equal part.”
“Why are you telling me this now?” Sanders asks.
“Because I just had a conversation with another camper, asking me for advice on how I was able to make things right with Wilder, and I realized that being deceitful is helping no one. And in the long run, I don’t want to keep up with the charade.” I look Sanders in the eyes. “I’m really sorry I wasted your time. That I made a mockery of this camp by lying. You deserve so much more respect than what I’ve given you.” Then I look at Wilder. “And I’m sorry I wasted your time and that I put you through a week of carrying my baggage.”
“You didn’t,” he says quickly, but I keep moving forward.
“I called my friend. She’s coming to pick me up. I really don’t want to stay much longer. I hope that’s okay. And again, I’m really sorry.”
I go to stand, but Sanders holds out his hand. “One moment.” He crosses his arms across his chest and studies me and Wilder. “So you’re telling me you two are not in a relationship?”
“No.” I shake my head.
“But you pretended to be?”
“That’s correct,” I answer. “And like I said, I’m really?—”
“I know you’re sorry,” he says. “I’m just trying to understand what the hell I see between you two though. Because what I’ve noticed the last few days, that is not made up. The way you look at each other, touch each other, work so well together—that’s not improv.”
“It’s not for me,” Wilder says.
I wet my lips. “It wasn’t for me either.”
“So then you two have feelings for each other.” Sanders motions between the two of us.
“Um, I mean?—”
“Yes,” Wilder says. “I have feelings for her.”
I look in his direction and he nods.
“I do, Pips. I have feelings for you.”
“I do too,” I say shakily. “You know I do.”
“Then why are you having Denise, I’m assuming, come to pick you up?”
“Because I’m scared,” I answer honestly. “Really scared. I shouldn’t have feelings for someone I just met, and here I am…thinking about you all the time, loving being next to you, wanting to see your handsome face whenever I get a chance. I don’t…I don’t want to get hurt, and everything I’m feeling right now is setting me up for that.”
“Are you going to hurt her?” Sanders asks Wilder.
He pauses for a moment, his eyes moving between me and Sanders. Then, in an uncertain tone, he answers, “I don’t want to.”
And that right there…that’s the problem.
That single answer pushes a wave of insecurity through me.
He’s an honest man, I know this about him. Yet he doesn’t seem to give a definitive answer when asked about relationships. It’s an “I don’t want to” or “I think I want that.”
I can’t work with “I think.” I need to know exactly what he wants.
“But you think you might?” Sanders asks.
Wilder looks me in the eyes and then glances down at his hands. “I don’t want to.”
And that’s the answer I was looking for.
That’s the answer I needed.
I like him a lot.
I do.
But until he can figure out what he wants…I can’t risk it. Which means I’m also extremely thankful for what we’ve had. I wouldn’t have learned as much about myself had I not spent this time with Wilder. I wouldn’t have learned that it’s okay to say no to uncertainty. I wouldn’t be able to walk away even if it hurts.