Chapter 27
Chapter Twenty-Seven
WILDER
What the hell is wrong with me?
The minute I said it, I knew it was the wrong answer. It was almost as if I could feel Sanders’s internal groan, telling me, “Wrong answer, you fool.”
Trust me, I get it.
“I’m going to go,” Scottie says as she stands. “I need to pack.”
“Scottie,” Ellison says, standing as well.
Scottie turns to her, and I can see tears forming in her eyes.
“Don’t worry about this. I understand the pressure you were under to fit in, and it takes a lot of character to recognize when you were wrong. Take the next few days off, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
“Really?” Scottie asks.
“Really.”
“Thank you.” She smiles softly. “For what it’s worth, Sanders, you did help me close a chapter on a marriage that I struggled with.”
He nods. “But if you’re still scared, did I really help you close a chapter?”
She worries her lips and then sadly smiles. “Thank you for everything.” She starts to leave, so I get up as well, but Sanders stops me.
“Wilder, a word.”
I glance toward Scottie and then back at him. “Um, sure. Scottie, I’ll meet you in the cabin.”
She takes off, and I sit back down and wait for whatever is to come my way.
He turns to Ellison and says, “Could you give us a moment, darling?”
“Of course.”
She places a kiss on his cheek and then takes off, leaving me alone once again with the man who has the most interesting wardrobe I’ve ever seen.
When the door closes, he picks up a football and tosses it to me. I catch it, and he asks, “What’s the holdup?”
“What do you mean?” I toss it back to him.
“That answer. What’s the holdup on reassuring her that you’re not going to hurt her?”
“I don’t know,” I say. “It was…it was the wrong thing to say, I know that. But what if I do end up hurting her? I don’t want to be that guy.”
“I understand that,” he says, “But let me ask you this.” He tosses me the ball, and I catch it. “If she were to end things right now with you and say that she just wants to be friends, how would that make you feel?”
“Ill,” I say. “Actually fucking ill.” I grip the ball tightly. “I wasn’t expecting to come into this marriage camp thing and grow feelings for someone I’d never met, but every day I spent with her, I started to see how fucking cool she is. How strong she is. How independent and determined. She’s funny, and she challenges me, and I like all that about her.”
“Yeah, I can see that.”
“And I want to prove to her that I can be the man that she needs, but I also want to be careful, because I know that she’s cautious. I just don’t know what the fine line is.”
“The fine line is you’re either in or you’re out,” Sanders says. “With a woman like Scottie, you can’t casually pursue her. You’re either all in, or you don’t do it at all. And I can see it in you. I can see that you can be that man who goes all in. But you have to commit to it. What were your parents like?”
“They had the greatest marriage until they didn’t,” I say. “My dad was in a car accident, became a quadriplegic. It was hard. My mom carried a lot of stress and ended up cheating on my dad. It was really shitty, and I’ve worked through a lot of it in therapy. My brother is still working on it. My relationship with her is decent. My dad passed, and my main concern is taking care of my brother and making sure he’s okay. I don’t want to lose him as well.”
Sanders nods. “Ever think that you’re possibly committing to your brother and that’s why you can’t quite commit to Scottie, because you’re afraid it might stretch you too thin?”
“I…” I pause and think about it. Shit. Is that the holdup?
“I can see by the surprise in your expression that I might have just hit the nail on the head.” He claps his hands for the ball, and I toss it to him. “You need to speak with your brother, because if you want a shot with Scottie, that relationship needs to be resolved. Chances are he doesn’t want the emotional commitment you’ve enveloped him with.”
“True. I hadn’t thought about it like that. He was bullied as a kid, and I guess I just wanted him to feel secure in himself. He…he wanted to cut out of life early after Dad died, if you get what I’m saying.” I grimace, hating that I’ve just shared something so personal about Mika.
“That would have been extremely traumatic to walk through for the both of you. And now? Where do you think he is emotionally? Does he still need you as his crutch?”
“Well, he’s my brother, so I’ll always prioritize his emotional health.”
He tosses me the ball, and I catch it. “Commendable, but maybe a conversation needs to be had there.”
“Yeah, probably,” I say.
“And then what will you do if there is no need for you to be his emotional guard dog?”
“I, uh…” I drag my hand over my jaw. “I need to think some more.”
“Well, do that. Decide if you’re all in. And if you are, be as honest as you have been while at camp, because your honesty helped Scottie find hers.”
Huh. That’s a good thought to take away.
“You’re right.”
“I know I am.” He smirks, lightening the tension.
I stare at him for a second and then ask, “Why all the sports stuff? Do you really think marriage is like a team sport?”
He chuckles. “Sure, you can look at it that way. You can also see it as something that eases anxiety for some people who might be against a traditional therapy session. It also takes people’s minds off speaking the truth and relaxes them more. Also keeps me busy and entertained. There are many reasons for it, and they all seem to work. They don’t call me the best for no reason. Hell, I was able to bring two people who didn’t even know each other together.”
I laugh. “Yeah, you’re right about that.”
“I’m right about a lot of things,” Sanders says with some cockiness.
“And the clothes?” I ask nodding to his attire.
He glances down at his outfit and then back up at me. “What’s wrong with my clothes?”
“Dude.” I eye him.
“Your point?”
I shake my head. “Never mind.”
At this point, heading to the cabin to talk to Scottie and tell her to come home with me is not going to happen. She has her mind set on leaving, and if that’s what she wants to do, then I’m going to let her do that. What I need to do right now is reassure her.
I open up the cabin door and find her suitcase on the bed, and the sight of it makes my stomach turn. God, Sanders is right. How would I feel if she just ended things right here and now? I know I wouldn’t like it, not one bit, which means I need to have some conversations.
Scottie walks out of the bathroom with her toiletries but doesn’t look at me as she sticks them in her bag. She’s avoiding, and I can understand why. She’s been through a lot the last few hours. I’m sure she just wants to get the hell out of here.
“Can I help you?” I ask.
“Um, I think I got everything,” she says as she closes her suitcase and zips it up. She pulls the suitcase to the floor and then reaches for her purse. She stuffs a few things in there and then sets it on top of her suitcase.
“When is Denise going to be here?”
“Soon-ish, I think. She started driving when I called her, and she was actually up in New Rochelle for a job, so it worked out.”
“Good.” I stick my hands in my pockets. “Uh, can I talk to you for a second?”
“Yeah, of course,” she answers.
I move over to the bed and take her hand, pulling her down to sit with me. I keep her hand in mine and rub my thumbs over her knuckles for a few seconds before I look her in the eyes. “I think you’re really brave,” I tell her, causing her to look down. I place my fingers under her chin and lift her gaze up so she has to look at me. “What you did back there, telling the truth and apologizing, that takes a lot of guts, and it’s something not a lot of adults can do. I’m really proud of you.”
“Thank you,” she says quietly.
“Which means I need to do the same.” I continue to stroke her hand. “I’m sorry for not answering the question back there properly. I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want to be in a position where I might hurt you, because you deserve to find the right person to make you happy, not bring you tears. Do I think I can be that person? I do,” I say with a nod. “But there is something I need to take care of first, and before I commit to you, I need to deal with that.”
“I understand completely.”
“But I need you to know something before you leave this cabin, okay?”
She nods.
“I need you to know that this is not goodbye. That when you get back to the city, I will most likely be at your doorstep, wanting to see you. Wanting to hang out. Just wanting to talk. I’ve grown accustomed to having you around, and I can’t just go without talking. How do you feel about that?”
“I feel the same.”
“You do?” I ask, surprised.
“Yes. I do.”
“Okay…good. That’s?—”
“But I’m also hesitant,” she adds.
“And I get that, and I know that earning your trust is something I’ll have to work on.”
“I trust you, Wilder.”
“Trust in what I can provide,” I say, wanting to clarify. “I know you’ve been through a lot. If there’s one thing I don’t want you to ever experience again, it’s that feeling of insignificance. I’m in awe of you, and I know with certainty that I want to be a better man… for you . You deserve to be worshipped, so I’m going to prove that I can be the man who can do that. I’m going to prove that and more to you.”
“Wilder, you don’t have to prove?—”
“I do,” I say, feeling that answer all the way down to my toes. “I do.” I bring her hand up to my lips and kiss her knuckles. “Okay?”
She nods. “Okay.”
“Good.” I stand up. “Now, there’s one thing I need to give you before you leave.” I pull out the Nerds Clusters from one of the baskets on the dresser that we didn’t finish. When I pass them to her, it makes her chuckle. “When you eat these…think of me.”
“You’re really giving me the Nerds Clusters?”
“Babe, that’s how much I like you.”
“Busy?” I say as Mika opens the door to his apartment.
“Holy shit,” he says, pulling me into a hug. “I didn’t think you were coming home this early.”
I hug him back and then release him. “Yeah, neither did I. Think we can talk?”
His expression falls. “Uh-oh, did you hurt her?”
I shake my head. “Nah, man, trying not to hurt her.”
“I don’t like the sound of this.”
“Can you just let me in?”
He scans me with his eyes, debating in his head, but then he lets me in his apartment and leads me into the living room. As I take a seat on the couch, he says, “I have water and Coke Zero from the corner store.”
“The good corner store?”
“According to your app, the best corner store.”
“Then I’ll take one.”
He grabs two Coke Zeros, opens them effortlessly like the skilled bartender that he is, and then hands me one before taking a seat. “What happened?”
“To make a long story short, I have feelings for her. She got scared because of her past, and when asked if I would hurt her, I said I didn’t want to.”
He pauses mid-drink and then lowers his can of soda. “You said you didn’t want to instead of saying I won’t hurt you?”
“Yeah.” I pull on the back of my neck. “Not my best showing, that’s for damn sure. But it’s why I’m here, because I need to talk something through with you.”
“Okay,” he says, seeming nervous.
“I need to talk about Mom.”
His expression falls. “Dude, I’m going to need something stronger than a Coke Zero to have this conversation.”
“I know I’m springing this on you, but it’s important, okay?”
He lets out a huge sigh and then turns to me. “Okay, what’s going on?”
“I need to know something, given all the hard work you’re doing in therapy and the strides you’ve taken to better your mental health. Do you think there will be a time when you might be okay with being in the same room as her again?”
He lets his tongue run over his teeth as he looks off to the side. “I want to,” he says. “I really fucking do. There are times that I miss her. Times that I wish that we could do things together as a family, like Thanksgiving or Christmas, but every time I see her, I just, I think back to that day, and I get so angry.”
“I know,” I say. “I get the same feeling.”
“Then how are you able to be around her?”
“Because I know that Dad would not want us to be split apart like we are. I think about him, and I think about what he would have thought about the division.”
“Cheating on him with his best friend? You think he would have been okay with that?”
“No, but also…Dad wouldn’t have wanted us pausing our lives to take care of him. You and I both know that. He probably would have asked us to move on, to put him in a care facility if he had a chance to express himself.”
Mika shakes his head. “No, he would have wanted to be with his family, his wife.”
“Mika,” I say softly while setting my drink down. “Do you remember Dad before he got in the accident?”
“Of course I remember him,” Mika says, sounding insulted.
“Do you remember how he told us over and over how much he wanted us to live our lives when we were older? How he wanted us to explore? To love. To live…”
Mika nods his head.
“He wouldn’t have wanted us hanging around, waiting on him. You’ve got to know that, Mika.”
He glances down at his hands. It takes him a second, but then he slowly nods. “Yeah, I know you’re right, but it’s hard to look at it that way when you love someone so much.”
“It is. It’s really fucking hard, Mika. This entire situation is hard. Losing our dad when we were in high school and college. Our mom having to raise us, keep a smile on her face like everything was okay while her husband was slowly dying. The entire situation was fucking awful. But I think we need to find some forgiveness. And I know that’s something you’re working on, and I’m proud of you for it.”
“Yeah.” He tugs on his hair. “It’s been harder than I expected.”
“And that’s okay—everyone goes at their own pace—but I need to know that you’re working your way in that direction.”
“Why?” he asks, seeming confused. “Why do you need to know?”
I let out a breath and prepare myself, because this is going to be the hardest part of this conversation. “Because I need to know that you’re going to be okay. I can’t…I can’t lose you, Mika. I’ve lost a piece of Mom. I’ve lost Dad. You’re all I have left, and I can’t fathom the thought of losing you as well.”
“Wilder, I’m fine?—”
“No, don’t do that,” I say with a stern voice. “Don’t bullshit me. Don’t tell me you’re fine just to say it. Look at me, and tell me how you’re really fucking doing.”
He blows out a heavy breath and stares out past my shoulder for a few seconds before he brings his gaze to mine. “I’m doing better. I am. It’s been small steps, but I’m doing better.”
A hint of relief washes through me.
“I think when I was in that dark time of my life, I didn’t find much hope in anything, but now that I’m in therapy, now that I’m working on myself, I’m finding joy in simpler things.”
“Really?” I ask. “Don’t lie to me just to appease me.”
“I mean it. Really.” He sits up. “I’ve been making changes in my life, changes to adjust my trajectory.”
“Like what?” I ask, surprised by this.
“Well, I started taking some mixology classes, because I was talking to a friend about becoming a bartender at an exclusive club. I would be paid way more, plus I would have benefits. And the work would be more challenging, more precise. There would be more opportunities to be creative. Not to mention mixing drinks would be more about the quality at an exclusive club rather than the quantity.”
“Wow, when did this happen?”
“While you were at marriage camp.” He smirks.
“Ah, yeah, that makes sense. Well, this is great. I’m happy for you, man.”
“Thanks.” He fully turns toward me. And I can see it, right there, the lightness in his expression, the joy in his demeanor. He really is doing better. “So how does this have anything to do with my friend?”
“Right.” I move my hand over my jaw. “I don’t want you to get upset when I tell you this, but I’ve sort of put things on hold in my life as I’ve tried to navigate the family drama and make sure that you’re okay. And what it comes down to is I don’t think I can move on or give Scottie my everything if I’m not sure that you’re going to be okay.”
His expression morphs into surprise. “Wait, really?”
“Yeah, man. You matter the most to me.”
“And I appreciate that, but, Wilder, you need to live your life. Is that why…is that why you haven’t gone anywhere? Why I keep telling you to go on a trip, but you won’t; you just stay here in the city? Because you’re worried about me?”
“Yeah, Mika. Listen, what happened that day?—”
“Was a mistake,” he says.
“But it scared the fuck out of me.” I point to my chest. “And I never want that to happen again.”
“It won’t,” he says seriously. “I promise, it won’t. I’m better. I’m in a better place. I promise you. You won’t ever have to worry about that again.”
“Really?” I ask.
He nods. “I fucking promise.”
“Okay,” I say, feeling myself relax for the first time in a really long time.
I stare out the window, but he pulls my attention back by saying, “So what about Scottie?”
“I like her,” I say simply. “And now I need to show her how she deserves to be treated.”
“Because you messed up?”
I shake my head. “No, because she needs to know that she’s worth another human’s time. She needs to realize that she’s not forgettable.”
Mika nods his head. “And you think you can do that?”
“I know I can.”
I just need to visit someone to help me out.