Chapter 25
Twenty-Five
CULLEN
I would live my life in exactly the same way, with all the loneliness, all the uncertainty and all the pain just to share these short, sweet days with Nardi. But with every hour that I experience inestimable happiness with her, I feel my body shut down just a little more.
I’m trying to hide it from Nardi, but she’s too brilliant. I doubt I’m doing a good enough job. She’s probably picking up the signs—like my lack of energy, my loss of appetite, and my unusual craving for sleep.
I really like making breakfast for Nardi, but I’ve found myself sleeping in a little later every morning and by the time I get up, she’s already cooked something scrumptious for us both.
This morning, I awaken to the sensation of someone kissing me. I smell Nardi’s signature fragrance before my brain has fully computed that it’s her. Instinctively, my mouth moves with hers and my head spins with the sweet pleasure of her kiss.
It’s in this blissful state that I become conscious of light pouring from beyond my closed eyelids.
“Mm.” Nardi moans against my mouth. “Good morning.”
“Good morning,” I say, my voice raspy. Seeking her out, I wrap my arms around her and pull her against my chest to cuddle.
“Cullen.” She laughingly scolds me and pushes my arm away. “Wake up.”
“Five more minutes.”
“We don’t have time to waste.” She tugs me to a sitting position. “Wake up.”
I blink the sleep from my eyes as Nardi comes into view. Her pretty eyes seem darker and her lips are a bright, sexy red. My inspection runs down to her clothes—a red tank top with a fuzzy hem and red and white shorts.
“Change into these.” She points to a stack of clothes at the end of the bed. “And meet me in the living room when you’re done.”
“Why do I?—”
She plants her index finger against my lips to shut me up and my pulse kicks into overdrive.
“Ah-ah,” Nardi says with a smile. “No arguing.”
I peck at her finger with my mouth. “You know…” I widen my legs and situate her to sit between them. “I’m feeling much better lately. Much better.”
A worried frown mars her face. “I don’t know… you’ve been sleeping a lot.”
“Yeah, but when I wake up, I’ve got a lot more…” I swipe my thumb over her bottom lip, “energy.”
Nardi looks down at my pants. She swallows and I see a parade of emotions cross her face, starting with desire, excitement and then that ever present worry. She’s been unable to hide her concern for me lately. It’s hard to watch her in these moments. I can see she’s starting to unravel from the stress, but she’s trying so hard to hide that fear and panic from me.
For a second, she goes somewhere in her mind that I can’t reach her and then she blinks and the moment is gone.
She forces a wide grin and kisses me one more time before she scrambles off the bed. “I’ve got a surprise for you. Hurry and get changed.”
I watch as she sashays around the bed. The little shorts flap, showing off the curve of her bum, begging me to smack it.
I give in to the impulse, pulling deep satisfaction from the sound of my hand hitting her soft flesh and the coquettish little grin she tosses over her shoulder at me, communicating that she doesn’t mind the sting.
Curious about what Nardi has planned, I move over to the bundle of clothes. It’s a bright red T-shirt and green pajama pants. What an awful color combination, especially since my preference is black, white and grey clothes.
I briefly consider not changing, but the thought of Nardi’s disappointed face has me reaching for the pajamas. After pulling on the obnoxious get-up, I brush my teeth and leave the bedroom.
From the hallway, I can see to the living room. There are Christmas decorations up in the corner and a big Christmas tree is standing tall near the windows.
Belizean Christmas music plays loudly and Nardi approaches me, dancing along to a Caribbean version of a Christmas classic. She’s wearing reindeer ears and a sly grin that only widens at my puzzled expression.
“What is all this?” I point to the Christmas tree as a buzz of excitement sweeps over my skin.
“ This is a year in a day.” She preens. “Over here, we have Christmas.” Grabbing my shoulders, she turns me exactly ninety degrees. “Over here is New Year’s.”
I hold back a chuckle when I spot a strobe light covered in foil. “Is that supposed to be a disco ball?”
“Hey, I bought this after you fell asleep last night. FYI, the 24-7 mart isn’t exactly overflowing with holiday decorations. Work with me here.”
I smirk.
“Anyway, this ,” she motions, “is Valentine’s Day.”
There’s a pink blanket on the floor closest to my computer room. A glass of champagne and two heart-shaped chocolate boxes sit atop the blanket.
“Saint Patrick’s Day. You’ll only need to change into a green shirt, since you’re already wearing the pants for that. Fourth of July. Thanksgiving?—”
“Nardi,” my eyes bug, “how long did it take you to put all this together?”
“It took a while. I had to make two trips to the mart. And then the Christmas tree fell. All the ornaments went rolling away. It was so noisy! Thankfully, you were out like a light.” She laughs.
I shake my head, overwhelmed by her effort. Her creativity shines from every detail and I can tell she put a lot into making this happen for me.
Nardi slips her hand in mine and I look down at her.
“Cullen,” she says earnestly, “you once told me that time moves faster in your world. You said what takes someone years, you could do in a day. ”
“I meant in reference to purchasing buildings.”
“Yeah, well… now it’s in reference to this.” Nardi swings her hand around to show off the room.
I pull her in for a hug. “This is really thoughtful, Nardi. Thank you.”
She smiles up at me. “You’re welcome.”
Heart slamming against my ribs, I run my thumb over her dark skin. “I love you.”
Nardi steps closer. “I know.”
I tilt my head. “How do you know?”
“You light up whenever you see me. Your gaze lingers on me, especially when you think I’m not looking. You treat me like royalty and I’ve never had to doubt that you’re constantly thinking of me first. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.”
Something swoops low in my stomach, something close to yearning. More than anything I want to be with her.
Should I take everything I have left and fight to stay with her?
It’s not my first time considering the thought, but it is the first time I’ve felt the urge so strongly within me. At this late stage, it’s an empty wish. One that leads to high expectations and a tragic let-down.
Taking in the Christmas decorations, I release a sigh. My last gift to Nardi will be the gift of quietly disappearing from her life and leaving behind no regrets.
“What are you thinking?” Nardi asks, noticing my expression.
Usually, I wouldn’t share what’s on my mind, too afraid to be judged or misunderstood. But Nardi is an amazing listener and I want to share my inner dialogue with her. Life is too short not to say the important things.
“I’m thinking… that maybe I shouldn’t be here with you. That maybe your mom was right and I’ll only hurt you by keeping you close.” I exhale roughly, frustrated. “Sometimes, I think… the longer I linger in your present, the more entangled I’ll be with your future. If I’d been strong enough to keep pushing you away, maybe you would have hated me. And if you’d hated me, you wouldn’t have any reason to regret when I’m gone.”
She lifts her chin. “I won’t have regrets.”
“That’s a bold claim.”
“Have you ever heard of the multiverse theory?”
I arch a brow in shock. “Have you heard of the multiverse theory?”
She smiles and explains, “I watched a documentary with Josiah once. And while it sounded like mumbo-jumbo to me, I learned this.” Her arms come around my neck. “In life, there are an unlimited number of options. No matter what path someone chooses, they can always think ‘what if I’d chosen another road?’.” Nardi lifts a finger. “There’s only one way to avoid that.”
“How?” I breathe.
“By accepting that we are who we are because of those choices. I’m okay with how this story ends, Cullen. I’m proud of every decision I made that led me to you.”
I look down at her with a soft grin. “That was very romantic. Very intellectual.”
She laughs at my teasing. “Maybe it’s the fact that time is running out and I…” She pauses. “I’ve become more reflective.”
I nod. “I understand. I feel the same way.”
Silence falls swiftly. The promise of my death rises like a zombie in the room, breathing down our necks and sending shadows skittering over the floor. Running away from the inevitable darkness, I nudge her to start our day’s festivities.
Our Thanksgiving kicks off with more food than either of us can eat, and our Christmas is the very definition of merry. We watch a Christmas movie, our arms and legs tangled together. And then we spend far too much time under the mistletoe
“We need to do New Year’s now,” Nardi says, pushing me away as my lips skate down her neck and my hands delve under her shirt.
I smirk. “Are you sure we should be moving on from Christmas?”
“Cullen, we can’t spend all day under the mistletoe.”
Chuckling, I clarify, “No, I meant… something feels missing.” My eyes dart to the twinkling Christmas tree. Everything is there. The star, the lights, the ornaments.
Suddenly, it hits me.
Gifts. There are no gifts under the tree.
Without warning, I slip away to my computer room and quickly wrap an object in a piece of paper. It’s the ugliest wrapping in the history of mankind, but I don’t allow myself to second guess it. I return to Nardi with the object behind my back and then present it with a flourish.
“It didn’t feel right to not exchange gifts on Christmas.”
Her eyes widen. “What is it?”
I shrug.
Hesitantly, Nardi opens the wrapping and pulls out a sparkling wedding ring.
Her jaw drops and she looks at me in shock.
“When I thought I’d never see you again, I threw the ring away and tossed the box.” I shake my head. “But it felt like the worst mistake. I ran all over my backyard looking for that ring until I found it. Whether or not we ever get married, that ring belongs to you.”
“Thank you.” Nardi grips my upper arm. “I love it.”
“Do you want me to put it on?” I ask.
Nardi looks at me and I see her going to that place in her mind again. This time, when her eyes meet mine and she comes back to herself, she can’t quite make a full smile.
“No, Cullen,” she says brokenly. “I don’t think I can handle that right now, but…” She takes off her simple necklace and slides the ring on the chain. With a brave nod, she points across the room, “Let’s go celebrate New Year’s.”
My eyes linger on the ring.
My gut twists.
You’re going to destroy her when you die. And death is coming for you soon.
Unnerved, I follow her around, watching as she lowers the velvet curtains so the house is completely dark. Then she changes the music to a New Year’s playlist. A soulful version of Auld Lang Syne fills the room.
Nardi changes outfits again and reappears in a tight red dress and high heels. I immediately reach out to touch her, but she steps back and tosses something at me instead. It’s a white button down shirt.
“Put that on,” she orders.
I stare openly at her while I put the shirt on and button it all the way to my neck. Nardi’s red dress hugs all her curves and that slit up the thigh should be illegal.
“Undo this one here.” Nardi approaches me and casually undoes the top few buttons. “There.” She nods. “Sexy.”
I rein in my urge to kiss her and try to speak as calmly as possible. “What do we do now?”
“What people usually do at New Year’s parties.” Her eyes shoot to mine and then away. She clears her throat. “I know you can’t drink alcohol so I didn’t bring any wine. But we can dance under the disco ball.”
I laugh at the foil-covered ball and slip my hands around Nardi’s waist, swaying from side to side. She wraps her arms around my neck and I have to bend a little further to accommodate her small frame. But I don’t mind. She fits perfectly in my arms and I really don’t want to let her go.
“Cullen,” Nardi whispers, her head tucked into my shoulder.
“Hm?”
“What’s your New Year’s wish?”
My heart tightens painfully. “I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it.”
“Mine is to be happy,” Nardi says. “In the New Year, I want to be with the people I love and I want us all to be healthy and happy. That would be enough for me.”
A lump forms in my throat. “That’s a good wish.”
“What about you?”
I adjust my hand on the small of her back. “My wish?”
“It can be anything,” Nardi coaches me.
“I guess, I wish for you to be happy and healthy with the people you love.”
“That doesn’t count, Cullen. It has to be your wish. For yourself .”
I think about it. “I wish…” I close my eyes and speak honestly, “that I could live in a world where I never met you.”
Nardi steps back, her eyes glazing with emotions.
I keep her in the circle of my arms, not allowing her to break away completely. “In that world, you’d meet someone in a coffee shop or at work, someone healthy, honest and kind. He’d fall in love with you at first sight and he wouldn’t wait too long to propose to you.”
Just then, her playlist shifts to a countdown.
“10!”
“You’d adopt three kids and, even though you didn’t give birth to them, your daughters would have your pretty smile.” I touch her mouth.
“ 9!”
A tear slips down her cheek.
“Christmas wouldn’t be over in thirty minutes. It would start in November. And on Christmas Day, he’d give you a present that was wrapped with actual gift paper. You’d open it to find a diamond necklace.”
“8!”
“After the kids grow up and go off to college, he’d take you on a cruise around the Caribbean for your thirtieth anniversary.”
“7!”
“You’d talk to him about Belize so much that you’d retire there. He’d build a house in the islands where you’d swim during the day, cook the food you love in the evenings, and look up at the stars at night.”
Nardi’s lashes are heavy with tears.
“6!”
“When you’re not strong enough to swim and your hair’s thinning and grey and you can’t even walk anymore, he’d roll you around in your wheelchair. He’d take you out on the porch to watch the Caribbean sunset. You’d hold his hand and be grateful for a long, fruitful life, the exact life you wanted.”
“ 5!”
“What about you?” Nardi whispers tearfully. “Where are you in that world where we never met?”
“I…” my voice gets scratchy, “long before you meet him, I’d probably have passed you on the street. Probably caught a whiff of your scent or seen you smile. And my heart would stop.” I squeeze my eyes shut. “Something about you would call to me. I’d want to come over to you. But I wouldn’t.”
Nardi hangs her head and covers her mouth, her shoulders shaking.
“4!”
“You’d go in your direction and I’d go in mine.”
“3!”
“And I’d never even know your name,” I whisper, my Adam’s apple bobbing.
Nardi looks up, her face wet with tears. Anger burns from the depths of her watery eyes. “That’s a really stupid wish.”
“2!”
“There is no world, no universe, no galaxy where I’d want to fall for anyone but you, Cullen.”
“1!”
As the soundtrack of fireworks plays in the background, Nardi rises on her tiptoes, grabs hold of my shoulders for balance and kisses me. It’s the slightest meeting of lips, a quiet, reverent touch, like two hands pressed together in prayer.
The salt of her tears coats her lips and it breaks me. I’ve only ever wanted to taste Nardi’s pleasure. Not her sorrow, not her heartbreak, not her hurt.
She leans back and my hands tighten on her waist to keep her in place.
She returns to the flat of her feet and whispers, “You could turn back time and I’d still make this choice. I’d come back to this moment over and over again.”
Nardi leans in and kisses me a second time. Her fingers dig into the back of my neck. The pain hardly registers in my brain. I taste her anger more than her tears this time. Her mouth slides over mine impatiently and I respond.
Drawing her close to me, I kiss her like the world is ending.
Because for me, it is.
No matter how desperately my lips chase hers, no matter how tightly I hold her, no matter how I wish things were different, death is inevitable.
An alarm goes off in the background.
Nardi stops kissing me, though her mouth is still pressed to mine. She looks off to the side, makes a quick decision to ignore the alarm, and starts moving her lips again. I, too, would like to keep kissing, but there’s a knock on the door.
I rip my mouth away from Nardi’s with a groan, hating all the interruptions.
Nardi steps out of my arms and turns off the phone’s alarm. She runs her finger over the ring at her throat. “Go answer the door. I’ll get ready for Valentine’s Day.” She stares at my lips. “I’ll change my outfit again.”
“Y-yeah.” The word barely makes it out of my mouth.
“You’re gonna like this one,” Nardi promises with a sultry wink.
My blood rushes south. The smile crossing Nardi’s mouth is wicked and so is the hungry glint in her eyes.
The doorbell rings this time.
I hold a staying hand out to Nardi. “Don’t change yet.”
I wouldn’t put it past Nardi to walk out here in ‘Valentine’s Day lingerie’ and I don’t want anybody else seeing her like that but me.
“Were you expecting someone?” Nardi asks, craning her neck.
“No.”
I walk to the door and Nardi remains on my heels. I like having her close by and I slow my steps so she can keep up with me.
When I open the door, I’m surprised to see the courier from the law firm standing outside. He nods and I nod back. We’ve done this before so the process of accepting the envelope and signing for it is like a well-choreographed dance.
But this time, I interrupt the dance by saying, “Thanks, man.”
He gives me a shocked look and it’s in that moment I realize that I have never actually acknowledged the man in all the time he’s been dropping off packages. Thinking about it now makes me feel slightly ashamed of myself.
If it hadn’t been for Nardi, I probably would have died the cold, detached man I was before. The thought is frightening.
I grip the document the courier gave me and turn to Nardi. “This is going to sound weird.”
“That’s a scary way to start a sentence.”
“I’d like to have a party.”
Nardi’s jaw drops. “Did I just hear you correctly? Did the introvert who hates germs and socializing just ask for a party?”
I nod slowly, unable to believe it myself. And then I immediately second-guess it. “Should I not?” I frown. “Everyone’s busy.”
Nardi stops my descent into over-thinking. “I love it. I had your birthday scheduled in today’s events, but we can invite everyone for the celebration. It’ll be great.” She rubs her hands together. “Let me make some calls.”
“Shouldn’t we have our Valentine’s celebration instead?” I ask, frowning when I realize she’s going to hammer out those details as we speak. “I didn’t mean we should have a party now .”
Nardi hurries off. “Better now than never, Cullen.”
While Nardi is busy on the phone, I open the document and read through it. The rival company is offering a significant sum for access to the PLP project. The money doesn’t interest me at all. What does is the clause that they’ll have the PLP project viable in half the time that we’d anticipated.
The offer leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, but I wonder how much of that is personal. From a business standpoint, it might be better to offload the PLP. Without me leading Cullen Tech, the team can have an opportunity to work on something new.
Nardi’s footsteps interrupt my thoughts. “Asad, Dr. Young, and Sara are in. I invited Sunny and Darrel too. She said she’d check her husband’s schedule. Would you like to invite Mr. Sullivan? I’m a little too nervous to call someone like him.”
“Sure. What time should I tell him?”
Nardi gives me the details. “It’ll only be for an hour. It was last minute and everyone is really busy, so they’ll treat it as a lunch break.”
After I make the call to Richard, I rise from my desk and find Nardi cleaning up the living room. I flinch in disappointment when she folds up the Valentine’s Day blanket and sets it aside.
“Can you help me clear up these decorations, Cullen? I’ll change into regular clothes and go shopping.”
“I’ll go with you,” I say.
“Thank you.” She surprises me by reaching up and kissing my cheek. Eyes at half-mast, she whispers, “I promise. We’ll celebrate Valentine’s Day tonight.”
Nardi darts away to change while I happily put away the Valentine’s day chocolate and blankets for later. However, bending down and straightening again makes my head spin. And, for some reason, the simple act of carrying the chocolates to the kitchen exhausts me.
“I’m ready,” Nardi says, appearing once again in a regular T-shirt and jeans.
“Just a sec. Let me change into a T-shirt,” I say.
I shuffle to my bedroom and press a hand to my chest. The pain is different today. Usually, it comes and goes like the ocean waves. But today, it’s incessant and sharp.
Pills.
I’ll take those first before changing.
As I bend down to take them out of the drawer, the pain intensifies and I hiss, folding down onto the floor. Gritting my teeth until it feels like my jaw will crack, I wait for the pain to pass.
Finally, it does and I quickly take a pill while I have a reprieve. I’m in too much of a hurry as I drink and the water goes down the wrong pipe.
I cough into my hand.
“Cullen?” Nardi knocks on the door. A moment later, the knob starts turning. “Cullen, are you okay?”
“I’m… fine…” I wheeze.
The coughing subsides and, thankfully, the striking pain does too. I pull my hand away, intending to snap the cover back on my water bottle when I spot strange red spots on my palm.
At first, I wonder if my medication mixed with the condensation from the bottle and turned red somehow.
But when I look closer, I realize it’s not colored water on my hand…
It’s blood.