CHAPTER SIX
RIKER
It’s nearly three in the morning already. I should really be sleeping. But Quinn showed up sometime before midnight and hasn’t left since. I’m not complaining. On the contrary. I’d rather spend all night not sleeping with her than spend all day tomorrow thinking about how well rested I am.
She’s been on my mind more than usual today. That’s a lie. She’s been on my mind nonstop ever since I saw her at her niece’s birthday party more than three weeks ago. Today was different, though. It wasn’t just about missing the feel of her skin on mine or wanting to press my lips to her perfect mouth, or the million and one other horny thoughts I have about her every three seconds or so. It was about her. Little things have been collecting in the back of my mind. Like the way she is with Harley, protective and almost possessive, but in the most tender way possible. She loves that dog. Sometimes I think she doesn’t know how to love, but then I see her with Harley and I know she’s capable of depths some of us will never reach. Same when she thought I was cheating on Sid. How she said she didn’t care about me or her but that she wouldn’t hurt someone else.
I already knew I wasn’t part of the equation. I’m good with that. I shouldn’t be someone she cares about because I’ll never be able to return those feelings. But she should care about herself. Being here with me should be about both of us getting what we need and walking away content. Or, at least, not any worse off than we were before our paths crossed. I may not be the guy to make her dreams come true, but I don’t want to be the piece of shit who adds to the nightmares either. And I need to be sure she won’t let that happen. I need her to care about her . Because I won’t.
She’s lying next to me, quietly staring at the ceiling. Our heads are on opposite ends of the bed as a result of our most recent entanglement. I don’t think I’ve sixty-nined anyone since high school, but then that’s kind of right in line with everything we’re doing right now. Just fucking our way through the encyclopedia of sex one position after the other.
I run my hand over her smooth calves. They’re toned and tight from running just like the rest of her body. Moving down toward her feet, I take one of her soles into my hands and start rubbing it, pressing into it with my thumbs.
“Oh, that feels good,” she moans from the other end of the mattress. I like the sounds she makes when she’s enjoying herself. I like how expressive she is in everything she’s thinking and feeling. There’s never any guessing with Quinn. At least not in the present. Her past is another story entirely.
“Quinn?”
“Uh-huh?” She barely even moves. Just lies there, still staring dreamily at the ceiling. I know that expression. She’s in between. Disconnected from the world and whatever haunts her here, but still hovering too close to truly escape it. It’s where I go, too, when I’m with her.
I lift myself up onto my elbows to get a better view of her face. “How old are you?”
Her brows furrow, and I know I’ve brought her back. I feel an instant sense of guilt because I know how hard it is to leave and how precious the time spent in between is.
“Twenty-two.”
Twenty-two. She doesn’t seem like twenty-two. Shit, one look into her eyes and anyone’d think she’s older than I am. This girl has seen things. Life-altering things. Things no twenty-two-year-old is meant to see. And now more than before I want to know what they are. But I won’t ask. I shouldn’t. I can’t .
“What the hell is a twenty-two-year-old doing screwing an old guy like me?” It’s all I can think to say to lighten the mood.
She sits up, grinning from ear to ear. “Benefitting from all your years of experience, one orgasm at a time.” I know before she’s even lying on top of me that I’m not getting even a minute of shut-eye tonight. And I don’t give a damn.
QUINN
It’s been nearly a month now. A month of running at least once, sometimes twice, a day and winding up at Riker’s place. If he has a life outside of work and fucking me, I don’t know when he has time for it. I don’t have one. So it’s not interfering with anything other than time spent listening to Kirsten tell me all the ways I should be living my life right now, and I’m always happy to take a break from that merry-go-round.
She has a point, of course. I can’t spend the rest of my life living in her game room. Nor do I want to. But things are...complicated.
The sun is starting to set later, now that we’re moving into summer, and I have to keep reminding myself that Riker won’t be home from work for another hour because feeding time has been pushed out as well. I’m antsy and tempted to go for an actual run, when the phone rings and my heart stops. Only two people ever call me. And I spoke to my mother this morning, so I know it’s not her.
“Hello?”
“Quinn. Got a minute?” It’s Devyn. My lawyer.
I sink down onto my bed. “There’s news.” It’s not a question. She wouldn’t be calling me if there wasn’t. She knows how much I hate the phone.
“I’m sorry, babe,” She sighs on the other end of the line. “Looks like we’re going to trial again. ”
I bite my lip hard. Not because I’m about to cry, but because I want to feel the pain of piercing a hole into my own flesh with my teeth. Pain and pleasure seem to be the only two sensations still connecting me to this body, and I need to know I’m still in it right now.
“When?” I don’t know what I want her to say. Next week? So I can face it and get it over with? Two years from now so I can pretend until then that my life has the capacity to be normal? That it’s worth getting up every day. Worth planning for a future I may never really have.
“Three months. Trial is set to start August 19 th . You’ll need to come back before then so we can discuss how we want to proceed. It’ll be different this time. It’s a civil trial, not criminal court. The stakes aren’t nearly as high, and I think it’s important that you know one verdict doesn’t guarantee another one. It’s a new trial. New judge. And a new opportunity to prove your innocence.”
I let out a harsh laugh. I don’t mean to. Devyn has been nothing but good to me. She’s seen me through everything and been there defending me every step of the way. Even when I was ready to give up and told her I didn’t need her to do so anymore.
“I’m sorry, babe. I really am.” And I know she means it. Even though she doesn’t have a damn thing to apologize for.
“Don’t be. Seriously. This is not your doing. It’s mine. I’m the reason for all of it. So now I need to figure out a way to face the next round of consequences.” I run my hand over my face and through my hair. I should really brush it. I don’t think I’ve done anything with it since I left Riker’s place early this morning after another one of our joint showers .
“Are you at least liking it out there? Are you getting out? Meeting people?” Devyn’s not much older than Kirsten, but she’s been like a second mother to me since the day I met her. Only one I actually feel like I can talk to. Probably because of that legally binding confidentiality agreement we have.
“I’m not getting out exactly...but I’m working a lot and I’ve got a little project I’m trying to grow into something bigger. Something that could maybe someday make a difference and would make me feel like I had more purpose in my life. Of course now I’m not sure there’s much point in pursuing it.” I flop backward onto my mattress and reach over to pet Harley, who’s lying curled up by my pillow.
“Don’t say that. Of course there’s a point in pursuing things. This trial is just a minor hiccup. The worst is already over, you’ll see.” She’s trying too hard to sound optimistic. Apparently, she doesn’t even believe herself. “I hate this. Please tell me you’re at least getting closer to your sister so that I don’t have to picture you there all alone, wallowing in self-hatred and despair until someone finds your stinky, decaying body.”
I roll my eyes at the ceiling. I suppose we don’t have the most conventional attorney-client relationship. “Kirsten is trying. I’m just not cooperating as well as she would like.” I pause for a moment, then decide she’s legally obligated to keep my secrets, so there’s no harm in telling her. “But you can rest easy knowing I will not be alone tonight and my body will live to be decay free another day.”
Her office chair squeaks, and I picture her leaning in. “Do tell.”
“His name is Riker. He lives a mile up the beach, and he is hot as hell. Also, he’s been fucking my brains out for the last month or so and it has done wonders for my mood swings.”
“Abigail Quincy, you watch your language.” Devyn tries to muffle her laughter, but I can still hear it. “But seriously, good for you, babe. You deserve it. ”
“I don’t know what I deserve, but I know I’m taking it anyway. At least until August.” I squeeze my eyes shut as if that will somehow erase the new knowledge I’ve gained regarding my looming fate.
“Why does it have to stop in August? Wait. You haven’t told him, have you?” Her tone is quiet and almost sullen. Funny how I do that people. Take them from perfectly happy to perfectly miserable in no time at all.
“I haven’t. And I don’t plan to. That’s not what being with Riker is about. I was being very specific when I said I’ve been sleeping with him. That’s literally all we do. It’s not a relationship. And it’s not going to become one. And if you tell Kirsten any of this, I will have you disbarred.”
“You can’t have me disbarred for that, you psycho. Telling me about your little booty call hardly applies to your legal case or my job as your attorney. That was all girl talk, my friend. And I won’t tell. But because I’m not a gossip, not because you threatened me.” She’s laughing again, but it’s different. It’s dry and bittersweet, like it’s taking a great deal of effort.
“Thank you.” I force myself back into an upright position. I know this conversation is coming to an end, and if I wait too long I’ll just end up lying here all night curled up in a ball caught in some time warp where I’m still the old me, too scared and weak to get up.
“Well, I’m going to let you go in a sec so I can finish up here at the office and get the hell home...where there is no hot guy waiting to screw my brains out, I might add bitterly.” She chuckles, and I mimic her automatically. “But before I go, I’m going to impart one last little piece of wisdom on you, one single girl to another. You can only be intimate with a man for so long before you become intimate . Maybe you think your head is running this show, but I’m telling you, your heart isn’t far behind. So, you know, you should probably try talking to him in between your sexcapades. ”
“Yeah, I’m starting to think I shouldn’t try talking to you .” It’s not like I didn’t know she would say it. Of course she would insist on seeing the romantic side of life. It’s the fun side. The fairy tale side. Who wouldn’t prefer to live there?
“Yeah, okay. Bye, Quinn.”
“Bye, Devyn. And thank you.” Gratitude. That I still feel. Because that one comes from the soul.
“Always, babe. I’ve got your back. You know that.” There’s a brief moment of silence between us before the line breaks and she’s gone.
I glance at the time. Riker’s still not home.
“Wanna go for a run, boy?” Harley’s head perks up. Although, even he thinks going for a run means going to Riker’s now. Not that he minds. There’s been a steady stream of leftover peperoni pizza coming his way ever since it became a regular thing. Riker even started leaving an old quilt piled in the corner of the room for Harley to lay on. He made it look like it was just dumped there, awaiting some sort of fate that would eventually land it in the garbage can out front, but I know he did it so Harley would have somewhere comfy to hang out when we come over.
I’m on my feet again and making my way to the fridge to grab a bottle of water, since I’m actually going to do the running thing, when there’s a surprise knock on my door and Kirsten’s head pops in, followed by the rest of her.
“Damn, girl, don’t you ever get tired?” She’s eyeing me in my shorts and sports bra. Thankfully, I’m still getting a workout either way, so my body still mostly reflects one of a runner’s.
“Just helps clear my head. You know that.” I try to smile. If I don’t smile, she’ll know something’s up. Not that I smile a lot. But I can feel my face doing the scowly thing, and it hasn’t done that in weeks.
“You know what else might help clear your head?” She says this in the most enticing way possible, and I already know I want to say no to whatever she has in mind .
“What’s that?” I’m cringing. That part I don’t need to hide. That she’s expecting.
“A fun night out!” She claps her hands in excitement, probably hoping it will rub off on me if she exudes enough of it.
“You and C.J. planning a girls’ night or something?” Because I would possibly consider going to one of those. I could go for a round of C.J.’s stories right about now. They’d sure as hell be more entertaining than my own.
“Better! Nate’s friend Carson just broke up with his girlfriend and he’s dying to meet you.”
I almost choke on her choice of words. It’s all I can do not to make a snide comment about the way men tend to do that with me. “Why on earth would he want to meet me? What have you guys told him?”
She shrugs innocently. “Nothing, really. Same thing we tell everyone.”
“The missionary work thing?” I curl my lip in disgust. Not because I find missionary work so appalling. It’s more so that what I was actually doing could easily be considered the exact opposite.
“I think. I don’t know for sure. Nate talked to him, mostly. But that’s not what triggered his interest.” Her eyes light up as they attempt to burst out of their sockets. “He saw your picture. Nate was showing off pics from Sophie’s birthday party and you were in a lot of them. The second Carson saw you, he started asking questions. Nate thinks he really likes you.”
I roll my eyes into my skull. Maybe staying in bed wallowing would have been the better option after all. I could be sleeping right now. Then Kirsten would be talking to herself about this Carson person.
“Kirsten, he doesn’t even know me. He couldn’t possibly feel one way or another. ”
But she’s not giving up. My sister is nothing if not determined. “So let him get to know you. Tomorrow night. He wants to take you to dinner at La Sirene. And trust me, you want to go have dinner at La Sirene. The food is amazing.”
“Do I have any hope at all of getting out of this?”
She shakes her head. “Nope.”
“Why is this so important to you, Kirsten?” Maybe if I understand, maybe if I get where she’s coming from, I’ll feel better about giving in.
“Because I want you to have the kind of life you were always supposed to have. The life you wanted before...before everything happened that took it away. And I know you don’t think you can have it again, but I’m going to prove you wrong. I’m good at this, Quinn. Look at me. I found a wonderful husband who loves me and treats me well. We have a perfect little girl, and our lives are complete. Let me find your happily ever after for you. Please.”
I take a deep breath in and exhale it loudly through my mouth. “Carson what?”
“Winn. Why?”
I hold up my phone. “Because I’m going to google his ass, that’s why. If I’m going to spend an evening with him, I at least want to know as much about him as he does about me.”
She grins. Because she won. “Fair enough. Alright. You go run and we’ll go shopping in the morning. We’ve got to find you something a little more feminine to wear for your first big date.”
“Yeah, okay, crazy lady.” I follow her to the door and shove it closed behind her, just to make sure she doesn’t change her mind and try to come back in. My eyes dart back for the clock. Finally. He’s home.