Chapter 28
Kitty and Antoinette’s Airbnb, West Hollywood, Los Angeles
‘Any wins?’ Antoinette asks when I get back to the villa.
‘No,’ I say. ‘Well, actually that’s not strictly true. Travis asked me out.’
She gives me a smug little smile. ‘I knew I was picking up on a vibe between you two! My instinct never lets me down. So? Spill.’
‘Nothing to spill really,’ I say. ‘Unless you count the green juice that the waitress slammed in front of me.’
‘I noticed her last time too,’ Antoinette says. ‘She was as green as the juice with envy.’
‘Anyway, I said no.’
‘Whyyyyyyyyy?’ Antoinette asks me, somehow making the word have four syllables. ‘Travis is cute. And funny and he’s clearly super into you.’
I shift in my seat and shrug. ‘I just don’t feel like I’m in the right mindset to be dating anyone,’ I say. ‘And if he is “super into me” I’d be leading him on. It doesn’t seem fair.’
Antoinette fixes me with one of her stares. One of the ones that I’ve learned means some hard truths are about to follow.
I mentally brace myself.
‘It’s just a date, Kits, no one’s suggesting you have to spend the rest of your life with the guy.’ Her expression softens. ‘Is this because of Charlie?’
I nod. ‘It’s too soon. I’m not even slightly near beginning to be over him.’
Antoinette gives me a sympathy face and sidles over to me. She touches my arm. ‘That’s why you want to get back to London so quickly, isn’t it? You want to get him back.’
I nod again, suddenly mute.
My sister sighs heavily. ‘Kits,’ she says. ‘This is going to be hard to hear, but know that I say this with love. Let him go. You have to let him go.’
‘I can’t.’ The words come out thick and desperate. ‘I just can’t. I love him. And I know he loves me. That doesn’t just disappear, Antoinette.’
She presses her lips together. ‘Maybe not. But he’s made it clear that he doesn’t want any contact with you, Kits. You have to respect that. I know it’s hard.’
How could she possibly know the depths of my heartbreak?
She’s only twenty.
But she isn’t much younger than I was when I met Adam.
And he totally fucked me up.
Maybe she’s got a story of her own.
‘Think about the date, Kits,’ Antoinette is saying now. ‘You might have fun,’ she says. ‘I know it’s hard to believe. But you might. And it could even take your mind off Charlie. Even just for a night.’
‘He’s really not on my mind that much,’ I lie.
Antoinette rolls her eyes. ‘Kits,’ she says sternly. ‘How thick do you think these walls are? As if I don’t hear you crying every night.’
Damn.
I thought I was doing that silently.
She tilts her head and considers me for a moment. ‘Between Charlie and Aidan Ward, you are really letting men live rent free in your head.’
‘And you’re suggesting I add another one? Make it some sort of mental ménage à trois?’
She smiles. ‘No, I’m suggesting you do something that takes your mind off the other two. Before you drive yourself insane.’ She squeezes my arm again. ‘Look at you. You’re smart, beautiful and still quite young—’
‘I’m thirty, Antoinette.’
‘Exactly. You’ve still got a lot of your life ahead of you. You shouldn’t be spending your nights crying over old text messages from your ex.’
How does she know that’s what I’ve been doing?
‘That’s not—’
She waves my excuses away. Then her eyes light up and she claps her hands together.
I don’t like this.
It means she’s had an idea.
‘Oh my God, Kitty,’ she says, her voice rising several octaves. ‘I’ve just had the best idea.’
Knew it.
‘Why don’t we go on a double date? You and Travis. Me and Agnes? It would be perfect. You can have a date without it feeling too date-y. And, if things go well, we can slip off and … you know … do our own thing. What do you think?’
What do I think?
I think it sounds nightmarish.
I think I’d rather spend an evening peeling off my hangnails and dipping my fingers in salt.
But Antoinette’s face is pink with excitement. It’s the only thing I’ve seen her excited about that doesn’t involve doing unspeakably violent things to mildly offensive men. And she’s clasping her hands together, almost begging me.
How can I say no?
‘Fine,’ I say. ‘I’ll do it. But on the condition that if it starts to feel awful at any point, we can leave.’
She gives a little squeal and throws her arms around me.
It’s the most physical contact I’ve had with another human in weeks.
It actually feels nice.
‘I’m going to go and tell Agnes right now,’ she says. ‘You text Travis and tell him you’ve changed your mind. Ask him if he’s free tonight.’ She squeals again. ‘This is going to be so much fun! You’re the best.’
And then she skips out of the door like Christmas is waiting for her outside.
I stare after her.
I don’t remember the last time I was that excited about anything.
Anything apart from killing Aidan Ward.
What has my life become?
I pick up my phone and stare at it for a few seconds before I tap out a text to Travis.
Been thinking about what you said. Maybe a date would be fun. If you’re happy to share it with Antoinette and her current love interest? Free tonight?
I sigh and open the message thread with Charlie. The thread I’ve protected like a newborn. I stare at the messages for a moment. They become blurry and I can taste the salt of my tears when I lick my lips. Before I can change my mind, I swipe and hit the little red bin icon that appears.
Gone.
Just like that.
The archive of our relationship.
Of course, I could always just restore them and I’m not feeling brave enough to delete them permanently.
But it’s a step forward.
A positive one.
Because Antoinette is right.
I have to let him go.
It might kill me, but it’s something I have to do.
‘Set it free to get it back,’ I whisper at my phone.
And, as if it’s heard me, it lights up with a notification.
A text.
From Travis.
I am unbelievably glad you changed your mind, Kitty. Tonight is perfect. Message me the deets.
I stare at the words for a bit, my stomach in knots of anxiety and anticipation.
It’s just a date.
What’s the worst that could happen?