40. Devina
Everything is lighter. I’m lighter.
MaryClaire’s laughter floats around me.
I’m floating too.
Six slices of pizza and a split joint later, MC and I are at an all-time high.
“I’ll admit he isn’t as sinfully gorgeous as your husband, but he says all the right things… and does all the right things.” She goes on about Ivan.
“Well, I’m happy for you. I didn’t know what I was missing until I married Ryder. Once you find ‘it’ you should hold on for dear life. That kind of magic only comes along once in a lifetime.”
“I know, I’m preaching to the choir. You are so lucky you have him.” She props herself up on her elbows to give me the cheesiest smile.
“Oh yes, so lucky. I married a man I had never met and right when I fell for him, he found out I was dying of cancer.” I roll my eyes.
“I don’t mean to get heavy, but I have to ask. Why didn’t you tell him?”
My heart aches at the directness of her question. I don’t think it’s something I even thought of myself. “I didn’t not tell him on purpose. I didn’t tell anyone but Taylor. I didn’t want anyone to look at me like a piece of glass. I didn’t want anyone to think I was weak.” I admit.
“I get that.” She lets my words marinate in her intoxicated mind. “What’s the deal with Taylor anyway? Why didn’t you ever hook up with that before you met Ryder? I give him a solid nine for looks.” She giggles.
“Ew, no! We grew up together.” I shove her arm playfully, “He’s like my brother. I mean, not my brother, because my brother is distant and cold. But you know what I mean.”
“Well, if I wasn’t already planning a wedding in my mind with Ivan, I would definitely go after someone like Taylor.” She muses.
“He’s got his own baggage. He’s sullen and dark. And you’re light and rainbows.” I laugh. “That would be an interesting match.”
“Too bad we’ll never know.” She throws a piece of pepperoni my way and pulls herself off the floor to change the record.
A knock at the door has us hiding our stash under the bed before Fiona peaks her head in. “Your ice cream order arrived.” She beams as she steps into the room. Sniffing the air, she gives me a pointed look. “Well, it smells like you all are having a good time in here.”
We make a poor attempt at containing our laughter before we are both rolling around on the floor.
“Join us, Fiona!” I say as she sets the ice cream on the blanket we’ve laid out. “You work for my husband; you deserve a little break.”
“He can be a handful” she rolls her eyes. “What the hell, let me at it.” We cheer and hand her a joint.
* * *
The atmosphere is serene. My large room spins around us as we lay on the floor, our heads together. Strawberry fields forever plays in the background. The Across the Universe version. My favorite.
For a moment, I forget I’m sick.
I hadn’t realized that I wasn’t really living until I accepted that I was dying. My body was no longer laced with ice.
This is what real friendship feels like.
This is what acceptance feels like.
This is what home feels like.
I hadn’t felt this close to anyone since Scarlet. I’d spent years avoiding friendships and people in general. No one could take Scarlet’s place, but sharing in laughs that didn’t include her, making memories without her, not being able to share experiences with her… each felt like a tiny betrayal. A step away from everything I wanted to hold on to.
But as I lay here right now, stoned out of my mind, full of pizza and ice cream, I relish the feeling of camaraderie with the women on either side of me. If I didn’t know better, I’d say Scarlet worked her magic from beyond the grave to send these beautiful souls to me in my time of need.
I have to stop believing that I can’t be the recipient of love just because I’m not always capable of giving it.
I let my mind drift. When the darkness consumes me, I welcome it.
Large arms lift me from the floor. I know it’s Ryder before he speaks. His scent is one I will never forget. His embrace is filled with tenderness and strength.
“I assume you had a good time tonight, sparrow?” He coos. I smile. My eyes are too heavy to meet his but I know I’m smiling.
He places me gently in the bed, but I don’t feel the mattress dip. “Don’t leave me.” I lazily reach out a hand, which he kisses.
“I’ll be up shortly, love. I have some business to take care of downstairs. I’ll be up before you know it. Just sleep.” Silk and sleep cover me.
This is what peace feels like.
This is what love feels like.
* * *
The hair on my arms stands at attention before my mind catches up to the sound echoing through the walls.
Bang!
My eyes, still heavy, are forced open from fear. I’m frozen.
It’s a dream, Devina. He can’t get you.
The crack of gunfire rings out again.
Not a dream.
I reach to find the rest of the bed is vacant. Ryder isn’t here. I need to run.
Run Devina!
I force myself past fear and kick my legs over the side of the bed. I tiptoe over to the door, listening, but there is only silence.
Peering out, I find the hallway to be dark. No footsteps. No commotion.
I can’t stay here. The first place someone would look is my bedroom. That’s exactly what happened last time.
Flashbacks threaten to take me to the dark place in my mind that I keep under lock and key, but I have to remain here. In the present. I have to get out.
I press myself against the wall and slide making my way to an empty bedroom on the other side of the stairs. My eyes are adjusting to the darkness. There is nowhere to hide. Perhaps under the bed. I roll my eyes knowing that is the first place someone would look, but it’s the only place I have right now. I should have picked a better room.
I lower myself to the ground trying not to make noise. I’m healed, but the weight of my body causes my stomach to tense and a whimper to escape my lips. I slither under the bed and close my eyes.
Waiting.
Minutes feel like hours, but I don’t dare move.
Footsteps climb the staircase. Once at the top, they grow faint. They are heading to my room. I silently pat myself on the back for being brave enough to leave when I did.
A door slams. And another. And another.
“Devina!” A deep familiar voice echoes through the halls.
Ryder.
My cries lead him straight to me.
The door swings open and light illuminates the room. His feet walk towards me, but I’m still frozen. He gets down on his knees and leans to peer under the bed at me.
“Vi, what are you doing in here?” Concern laces his voice as he reaches for me.
I’m a brave girl. I can come out now.
I take his hand and let him guide me out from under the bed. My chest heaves but I’m still trying to process what happened.
“I heard a gun. I thought it was …” I can’t even say the rest out loud, but I don’t need to. He knows what I thought. My puffy eyes leak tears down my cheeks.
“You’re safe now. I’ll keep you safe,” he pulls me close, lifting me with ease. “I’ve got you.” He continues to soothe.
Walking back to our bedroom, he climbs into bed before setting me down. He undresses, his eyes never leaving mine.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” I curl into a ball, embarrassed.
“You scared me, sparrow. I didn’t know what to think when I didn’t find you where I left you.” He slides down next to me, pulling me close. “I can’t take my eyes off you now.”
“Was that a gun? Who was shooting at you?”
“Who said they were the ones shooting?” He lifts a brow and looks down at me like I said the silliest thing.
I shouldn’t be surprised, but I am. The two sides that make Ryder Totaro are so far apart. I’m reminded that there is a part of him he refuses to let me see.
I can’t be mad. But I wonder if that is the reason he allows me to keep part of my secret. He knows it will hurt him, just as his secrets can hurt me.
I nuzzle into his shoulder as his fingers trace my arm. His scent calms me. His warmth soothes me. I hold him close allowing our breaths to sync.
“You are safe.” He reminds me, “Nothing can take you from me.”
I wish so much for that to be true.
But I let myself believe it, just a little longer as sleep takes us.