41. Ryder
She sleeps, but I can’t.
My heart dropped when I walked into our room and found an empty bed. The fear of having lost her was heavy enough to bring me to my knees.
She’s here. She’s in my arms. But time is a thief. Cancer is a thief. Nothing will keep her with me. So I lay here memorizing her shallow breaths, the flutter of her lashes as she dreams. Her honey-red hair spays across the pillow. Her lavender scent feels like home.
I wonder how I will survive. How I will draw breath after she exhales her last?
She stirs in my arms, her gaze climbing my chest until her eyes meet mine.
“How long have you been watching me sleep?” Her cheeks heat.
“Not long.” I lie.
“I’m going to miss this.” She reaches her hand up to cup my jaw.
I should be saying the same to her. “How do you know you’ll even be able to miss me where you are going?” I chuckle.
“Maybe we don’t get to go anywhere when we die. Maybe we just go back to the beginning and start again,” she ponders out loud.
I’ve never given much thought to death, and when I think of it now, I become enraged at the thought that it is the only thing I can’t conquer for her.
“That would be something, wouldn’t it?” She nods in agreement. “Well, when we start over, Let’s start when we met. That’s the moment I began living in this life.” I pepper her face with kisses as she scrunches her nose. “I vow this to you, my little sparrow, the moment my eyes close for the last time, I will find you in the darkness.”
Her chuckle dances around us. “How can you find me in the dark?”
“Because you’re the light.”
Her expression becomes somber. “Maybe I’m not the light. Maybe you can just see in the dark.”
My eyes search hers. I want to ask why she can’t see herself as I do, but I don’t.
Her soft smile returns, but her eyes remain glazed. “Promise you’ll come for me?”
“I will always come for you, Sparrow.” I kiss the top of her head. “I promise.”
* * *
We’re sitting in the sunroom when Fiona announces Declan’s arrival.
Devina straightens in her chair. She’s hurt, but she’ll do everything she can to hide it from him.
He rounds the table to plant a kiss on the top of her head. “Vi, I’m happy to see you are doing better.”
“How nice of you to make time to visit.” The sarcasm drips from her lips like the syrup she’s pouring on a pancake.
Her hair lays in waves down her back. Her yellow sun dress gives the illusion that she is vibrant. The truth is that her glow is slowly fading. She is still radiant. Her smile was brighter than the sun. But her eyes are becoming tired.
Declan ignores her comment and takes a seat across the table.
“We need to finish our discussion, Ryder.” He says.
Devina looks between us curiously.
“There seems to be some confusion as to whether Michaela was someone named Hannah.” I catch her up.
“I know.” She mutters.
“What do you mean, ‘I know’”? Declan demands.
“Taylor was looking into Ryder when we first got married. We didn’t know what it meant.” She sips her coffee. “I wasn’t sure what the story was but I let it go. Until Ryder told me what happened.”
“So you knew when I told you?” Why did she keep this from me?
“I didn’t know everything. I just knew she was a shady woman, and frankly, I didn’t want to know that much about one of your exes. I had no idea how complicated it all was.” She says calmly.
Declan and I stare between each other and Devina, who has written the entire situation off.
“What I want to know is where she got the drugs. Something is off. I didn’t even know that was an issue. And now I find out you weren’t dealing.” I look to Declan. “What happened the last time you saw her?”
“She wasn’t on drugs, I can promise you that. She would have never touched them.” He pours himself a cup of coffee. “The last time I saw her she was happy. She said she was going upstate to visit her father. I didn’t hear from her after that. She ignored my calls and I let it go. After our family died, I had to keep things together for Devina. I couldn’t be distracted.”
Devina closes her eyes slowly, taking in his words as if realizing for the first time that she is important to him.
“Someone gave her the drugs,” I conclude. “I agree, she would have never touched them. I guess we have two choices. We can let it go or we can look into who gave them to her.”
Declan shifts in his chair. “Honestly, I think we have enough on our plates right now. Finding anything out about her isn’t going to bring her back. She was involved with people she shouldn’t have been dealing with.”
I look to Devina and know the last thing she wants is for me to be deep-diving into my ex’s potential murder.
“Well, that’s that. If Devina has taught me anything, it’s that time is precious and should not be wasted.” I reach my hand to caress her thigh. She blushes at the gesture. “We’re on the same team now, Declan. It’s about time we start acting like it.”
“Agreed.” Declan’s gruff voice is deep with a hint of sadness. I can’t be so selfish to think I’ll be the only one suffering once she’s gone. She may very well be the only form of light that idiots like us get to experience.
“What we can do is decide how we are moving forward with the Bratva. We have two more days…” Devina stabs a piece of sausage on her plate, a little too aggressive. “Perhaps you can relax in a bath while Declan and I hash out the details.” I bring her knuckles to my lips. She’s hesitant, but she rises to leave.
“Declan,” she turns back to the table, “Please come by more. I’ve missed you.” Sadness laces her voice.
“Promise.” He says.