Chapter 35
Stella
Iwake up late for once, my vertebrae popping into place as I stretch my arms over my head. It’s been ages since I’ve had a day off. I would be working today if Beck hadn’t finally put his foot down and insisted on it.
After the band party last week, there’s been an uncomfortable sort of tension between James and me. Our texts have been fewer and farther between, we’ve only had time to see each other once, and when he did come over, it was brief.
Has whatever this is between us run its course? Is he done with it? Nausea builds in the back of my throat at the thought.
Maybe James is just done with me.
After everything that’s happened with Nessa since she found out, I couldn’t blame him if he was.
She hasn’t reached out to me directly or even answered any of my texts.
Beck has kept his word to respect her wishes and we haven’t been scheduled together since the incident.
I think she even blocked me temporarily on social media.
That one hurt. I called Hazel to talk to her about it, although she’s adamant that she won’t take sides.
Coincidentally, after our call I was no longer blocked.
But the message has been clear. Stay the hell away.
I don’t doubt that James is receiving a similar treatment. I could see how they behaved around each other at the party, a discussion definitely happened. The only difference is that he’s her brother. Her last relative that she’s in contact with.
When we started this, he asked me to pick her. It only makes sense that he would do the same.
Which is fine. I was never meant to be permanent.
That’s what I keep telling myself over the course of the morning.
My rationale is that if I keep myself busy, I won’t have time to miss him.
I clean my entire (super tiny) apartment, I reorganize my (minimal) wardrobe, review my (meager) budget, declutter my (empty) fridge, and still, that thread of anxiety won’t stop pulling at my attention.
By the time I settle the unease that’s been churning since I woke, it’s practically midday. My phone has yet to receive a single notification.
The clenching behind my sternum only increases as I try to ignore my phone.
I made friends here. I moved to the city by myself, found my own place, got a job, and I made friends.
Really good friends, people I could rely on.
Hazel makes sure people are safe, and well, and happy.
Nessa brings excitement, energy, and joy.
Beck’s been like a surrogate brother to me. And in one instant, it’s all gone.
I should have known better, really. This is my own fault. I knew that there was a risk when I started this all. I pursued James when I should have left well enough alone.
“At least when I travel, there’ll be less people to miss,” I try to rationalize, talking to the walls, not that they’ll ever answer.
“This could actually be a good thing, forcing me out of my comfort zone. I get to experience more this way because there’s nothing holding me back.
” Or calling me back home. I could leave for however long I want, and no one will miss me.
No one will miss me. That thought hits me like a truck. I have no family left, and I just screwed up the first group of real friends that I’ve had in ages.
I will not cry over this. There has to be an upside, a positive that I haven’t thought of yet.
But I come up empty. When my mother died, the positive was that she wasn’t in pain anymore.
When people at school were weird about it and avoided me, it just meant I got to spend more quality time with my dad.
When my dad died, he was no longer suffering and taking me down with him with his gambling and reckless behaviour.
There has to be a silver lining, I just have to find it.
I flop on my bed, ready to let the existential dread overtake me when my phone finally chimes.
Who could that be? Unlikely to be Nessa. Beck and I aren’t ‘texting friends.’ Maybe Hazel? She might have questions about what the hell I think I’m doing. My thoughts race through me as I dive for my phone on the floor.
It’s James.
Stud
can I come over to talk?
That can’t be good.
Stella
sure! What time works for you?
Stud
I’m outside your building.
Crap on a cracker. I think to myself as my phone rings to buzz him up. At least everything is already cleaned?
It only takes a minute for his long legs to make his way to my suite. One solid knock on the door announces his arrival. He plows in without a word when I let him in, his silence, while not abnormal for him, setting me on edge.
“Hi,” I say, approaching him with slow, tentative steps. “Is everything okay?” I ask.
“No.” The word hits like an anvil. I wait for him to elaborate, but he’s simmering, standing stock still, fists clenched.
“Are you going to tell me what happened?” My tone only sounds slightly annoyed. If he’s here to break things off with me I’d rather he got it over with quickly.
“Who’s Callum McPhearson?” His voice is stern, leaving no room for disobedience.
“He’s some guy I knew in high school, why?” Does he think I was cheating on him? We had agreed to exclusivity, even if we aren’t officially together.
“What do you know about him?” James asks, the tension in his voice so thick it could crush me.
“Umm…” I wrack my brain. “He’s tall-ish, dark curly hair, he sucks at pre-calculus, he was in senior band, he has an older sister, I’m not sure what else? Why are you asking me this?” James’ nostrils are flared, his cut jaw clenched. His posture has gone entirely rigid.
“So, you know that he’s a drummer,” he bites.
“What does this have to do with anything?” I say, my voice getting shrill. It’s like he’s playing with his food. The scary bouncer vibe I’ve always teased him about is now turned on me.
“I got kicked out of the band,” he says, like a final blow. All the air whooshes out of me. I take a step back, trying to process what he’s saying. He doesn’t wait for me to catch up before he keeps going. “Guess who’s replacing me.” He waits a beat. “Callum McPhearson.”
“How… why…?” I try to organize my thoughts, ask what happened. Everything is rushing through my head, like a sped up movie in a foreign language.
“And do you want to know how they found out about him?” James takes a menacing step towards me. I stumble back instinctively, which only makes his brow scrunch up further. He jabs a finger at me. “You.”
“What do you mean? I never… I mean I don’t even speak to him anymore!” I probably haven’t even seen him since we graduated.
“At the party. You talked about how good he was. They auditioned him this week. I’m out.” Tears gather at the corners of my eyes as I try to choke them down.
“James, I may have mentioned him but I never… I didn’t say it with the intention of…”
“Are you sure? Because that offer my parents made sounded pretty good to me. Paying off all your debt? Making you financially independent? Sounds like a pretty good deal. All you had to do was get the band to drop me, so I’d have no other choice except to go work for my dad.”
“James, whoa, that’s not at all—"
“It wouldn’t have been hard either. You already got me to fuck you, let my guard down.
I betrayed my goddamn sister for you!” he bellows.
“All it took was some good pussy and pretending to like me and I just rolled over. Are you proud of yourself? That you were able to get me wrapped around your deceitful little finger?”
“JAMES, SHUT UP!” I shout. Silence reverberates around the room. The foot of space between us suddenly feels like miles.
“I was drunk. I mentioned that you weren’t the only drummer I knew. That’s it. I didn’t know that they were going to—"
“Replace me,” he finishes.
“Do anything with that information. I’m sorry,” my voice cracks. “I really am. You have to believe me, this wasn’t intentional.”
“FUCK, Stella.” His chest heaves as he starts to pace, gripping his hair and muttering to himself. “I want to believe you, honestly, I do. But you understand what this looks like, right?”
“You have got to be kidding me!” I’m beyond insulted, I’m horrified that he thinks that little of me.
“Do you really believe that I would have taken a deal like that? With everything you know about me? You think I would sell you out?!” My anger leaks through my words, daring him to question my integrity again.
“I don’t know, Stella! People do shitty things all the time.
” I gasp, taking a step back. “I don’t know, I don’t—What am I going to do?
” When he finally looks at me again, his eyes are wild and panicked.
He’s breaking my heart, crushing it in his fist. “If I don’t have the band then I—I’m stuck.
I can’t work for my dad. I can’t take over that shitshow, it’ll kill me. ”
“I don’t know,” I answer truthfully. “There’s a lot you could do. You could find a different job here in the city. You could look for another band to play with.” A small smile teases my lips. “You could come travel with me?” It’s mostly a joke, but it triggers something in him.
“Who am I kidding? We both know I’m going to get stuck in that soul-sucking job, trapped under my dad’s thumb, living only to continue his stupid fucking legacy.” He sounds so defeated, like he’s already given up.
“Not necessarily. You have more freedom than you think.”
“Not everyone is you, Stella. Some of us have family, and responsibility, and people who depend on us. I can’t be selfish and flit off to whatever country I want and leave everyone behind.”
Ouch.
“You could travel with your music, find a different job, literally the world is your oyster, dude, but you refuse to see that! You could tell your parents to bugger off and never see them again, completely cut them off, but you are choosing to remain attached to them instead of changing anything.”
“It’s not that simple, Stella,” he tries to interrupt, but I’m on a roll.
“Why are you shaming me simply for not being afraid to go after what I want? Why does that make me selfish? Why do I have to deny the things I want to make other people happy in order to be a good person? Your parents are horrible, evil people and you want to just bend over for them? For what?”
“For Nessa,” he grinds out.
“I respect that, I do, but I heard that voicemail. It sucks, but it means that this is no longer your responsibility to bear!”
“It can still be fixed,” he insists.
“But why should it? And why does it have to be you that does the fixing? Why do you need to be the one who controls everything, the one who has to give up on enjoying what you have in this life? Why do you refuse to make the most of it?”
“Because, Stella, some of us have to grow up and take care of the rest of you.”
“I knew it. You still see me as some idiot kid instead of a woman who knows what she wants.”
“Well, what do you want then?” He shouts.
“You, idiot! I want you! I’ve wanted you since the night I saw you play at the bar, since you first kissed me and looked at me like I meant something to you.”
“You did mean something to me!”
“That’s rich coming from the guy who won’t even listen when I tell him what’s going on right in front of him!”
“It’s not that simple, Stella. These are my parents.”
“I get that, but you still have a choice, James! You can create your own legacy. Live your own life!”
“Running away isn’t living, sunshine, trust me.”
“And staying here living someone else’s dream is?”
“You’d know all about living for someone else’s dreams.” He gestures to the postcards. “At least I’m doing this for someone who’s here to see the effort.” I can see the moment he regrets his words. I don’t care. I’m done.
“Get out.” My spine is ramrod straight as I point towards the door.
James sighs, leaning his head back and locking his fingers together behind it.
“Shit. Stella, just give me a sec here.”
“Out.”
“I’m sorry, I know I’m out of line, I just —”
“GET THE FUCK OUT!” My scream shocks both of us. He stares at me wide eyed, waiting for me to change my mind. I stand unwavering. “Whatever this was, it’s done.”
“Stella,” he croaks in dismay, anger giving way to pain.
“I can appreciate that you’re hurting, but you don’t get to talk to me this way.
” I grab his hoodie from the back of the kitchen chair and shove it in his hands.
“If there’s anything else here that belongs to you, I’ll make sure you get it.
” I may not want to see him again, but I’m not a thief.
He walks up to me and closes my fist around the sweater.
“Keep it. Looked better on you anyway.” He dons his winter boots and leaves the apartment without another word.
The door shuts, encasing me in silence. I hold myself in place, muscles taught as I fight for control over my emotions.
This will not take me down, I repeat to myself, like a mantra.
I have survived far worse on my own. This is nothing.
I take slow, steadying breaths, trying to think of any next steps.
Any and every relationship I’ve had here is ruined.
While Beck and Hazel might be the forgiving type, James and Nessa aren’t.
Nessa is Beck’s best friend, and Hazel is Nessa’s best friend.
James is an integral part of their group.
Nessa and Hazel might have been the people closest to me in my life, however, out of everyone, I’m the easiest to let go. The most removeable. Replaceable.
I crawl under my covers and pull out my phone, bringing up a renters app.
Maybe this city is done with me. Maybe I’m meant to be somewhere else.