Chapter 38 #2
“Was that all you were here to say?” He takes a moment, readying himself.
“I want to be with you.”
Okay, wasn’t expecting that…
“Not casually, not secretly, actually with you. You light up a fucking room. You make me laugh on the worst days. You’re sweet, and caring, and thoughtful, and I’m a goddamn idiot for ever pushing you away.
Maybe you don’t need the sun, we both know you shine bright enough on your own, but I want to be that for you.
I want to be there to shine when you can’t.
I want to show you every single day how much I care about you. ”
“James…” no words will come. They’re all tangled up somewhere between my head and my heart and they won’t come. Plain and simple.
“I know how badly I fucked up. I know it will take time. To trust me again, to let me in. I want to take time and put in effort. You’re worth it, Stella.
I promise I’ll fix everything, but please, please let me show you just how much you mean to me.
” He brushes my cheek, curving down to cup the side of my face.
I lean into him on instinct as tears start to gather and cloud my vision.
“I can’t stay,” I croak.
James pulls back, a confused scowl twisting his features. “What do you mean?”
“I’m not going to stay, James. I know you think that this is for my parents, and maybe to an extent it is. But this is still for me. This is what I want, and I’ve worked so hard to be able to do this.”
“Travelling. You’re going to go,” he deadpans.
“Even if the seed was planted by my parents, I grew it into a damned orchard. I’ve been working for it for so long, and it’s always sat right out of reach, like I could see it but never touch it.
Now that I’m not drowning, I want to fly.
I want to see everything. With this, I can literally go through my entire list. I can travel for a year, or more.
I can see everything, explore, experience, do everything my parents didn’t get to.
Everything that’s helped push me through until this moment. This is for me.”
“So what, you’re just going to leave? This isn’t some elaborate ploy to get me to chase you in the rain and beg you not to go? Because I’m so tired of being manipulated, Stella.”
“I have no ulterior motives. This is what I want. No chasing required.” A small tear tumbles down my cheek.
“You deserve to fly, Stella. You deserve to see everything you’ve worked so hard for.”
“I’m not going to ask you to wait for me. I don’t know when I’ll come home. I don’t even know if I’ll be the same person when I do.”
“You won’t be,” he agrees with a smile. “I think you’re going to be amazing.”
“Thank you.” I fiddle with the cheque in my hand. “It feels wrong to take this. With the debt gone, I don’t necessarily need it.” James closes my hand around it.
“Keep it. You earned it.” The words hit hard, but his expression softens the blow. It’s not accusatory, it’s caring, warm. Loving. “I should get going.” He cradles my face for a moment longer, memorizing it, drawing out this painful parting.
“Goodbye, stud.”
“Goodbye, sunshine.”
I try to remember that it would have ended anyway. This is the way we planned it.
This is for the best.
Walking into Booze & Brews without knowing Nessa’s state of mind is going to make me pee my pants. It’s been a few days since I last spoke to James, so since Nessa texted yesterday asking to meet up, I’ve been a sweaty tangle of anxiety.
At least there’ll be other patrons there. And alcohol. And security footage so she can’t murder me.
However, as I approach the front door, there’s no music pouring into the street, no light shining out of the huge front windows, and the closed open sign has been turned off.
Odd. I pull out my keys and let myself in.
A few lights near the far end of the bar are still lit, and under them sit Hazel and Nessa.
They’re caught up in quiet conversation and turn in sync to look at me as I slowly walk up to them.
It’s awkward. No one seems to want to speak first.
“Alright, I’ll go first,” gripes Hazel, ever the peacemaker. “I’ve missed you, Stella. Shit’s been weird lately, and it’s no one person’s fault, but I can sense you drifting and I don’t want to lose you.” Her heartfelt words are all it takes for me to burst into tears.
Remember when you laughed at Hazel for crying all the time last year? Karma’s a bitch.
Two sets of arms hold me together while I dissolve.
“Sorry, I’m not sure where that came from,” I say, trying to laugh off my burst of emotion.
“You’re allowed to cry and have shitty days,” says Nessa, “and if anything James has said is true, you’ve had a shit week and a half. A few tears are warranted.”
“Thanks,” I blubber, wiping my face, probably smearing mascara all over it in the process.
“The reason I asked you to come here is…” Nessa looks to the floor, her ears tipped red. “I’m sorry. I was a bitch. I don’t like that you lied to me. I’m still not cool with that, but I get it. I could have handled everything a lot better.”
“I appreciate that. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry for lying to you. I didn’t ever imagine it would all get blown out of proportion into… well, this.” A tentative laugh ripples through us, releasing a little bit of the tension.
“If you’re open to it, I’d love to hear your side?” Nessa asks. My shock must be evident because she continues, “I’ve been working on some stuff lately with a psychologist,” she admits sheepishly.
“Hey, I’m all for therapy,” I joke. “Lord knows I’ve had enough of it.
” I launch into what I intend to be a brief version of events, but sitting with my friends, watching them listen, every detail starts to bleed out of me.
I keep the dirtier stuff away from Nessa, and she turns a particularly nasty shade of green when I reveal that it was in fact not the uber driver that I shtupped, but her brother.
By the time I get to the money and what I told James the other day, I’m out of breath.
Hazel and Nessa sit shocked, still processing the information.
“Thank you for sharing, even though a lot of that was super gross,” Nessa spits out comically.
“To be fair, I’ve heard more than my fair share of stories from you that are waaaaay worse!” I counter.
“True.”
“I’m glad it’s all out in the open. Can we agree no more secrets from now on?” begs Hazel. Her dark eyes bore into mine with silent pleas. Nessa chuckles darkly and throws back her shot while my blood turns to ice.
There is one secret I haven’t told them.
“I actually do have something to tell you guys,” my voice cracks.
“Whatever it is, you can tell us.” Hazel folds her hand over mine. I swallow bile.
“My dad—" I can’t get the words out.
“Is he sick?” Asks Nessa, all her anger from before vanished.
I can barely get the words out. “He’s dead.”
Hazel flinches back. Nessa stares open-mouthed.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, rogue tears running down.
“When did this happen?” Nessa chokes.
This is the worst part.
“Last year,” I say, only allowing my voice to warble a little.
“Your vacation…” Hazel whispers, putting it together.
“I had to finalize some things for his estate.”
Hurt is painted on each of their faces and I lay my forehead on the bar with my hands on my head. I might be out of tears as all that leaves me are huge shuddering breaths.
“It’s okay,” soothes Hazel, “We’re here now. We’ve got you.”