Chapter 39
Stella
It’s strange, walking into Booze older than I would have liked, but with enough life left in it that I would feel incomplete without it.
It deserves to see the world as it was promised, as it wasn’t able to during my mother’s lifetime.
I’m going to miss my apartment, but luckily the landlord had no issue letting me out of my lease. Apparently, he was undercharging me and is thrilled to make more money off of it. Besides, it’s Toronto, it’ll get snatched up quickly.
My last shift is an opening shift. I stored my suitcase in the back for now, ready to head straight to the airport after this. So far, Beck’s the only one who knows. I’m going to tell Hazel when she gets in, and Nessa when she comes in for her flip shift.
I already miss them.
Whenever I pictured this trip in the past, I ran off into the sunset with me, myself, and I, ready to take on the world and never come back. I never pictured friends at home waiting for me, a job that I love, leaving a place that felt like home. I didn’t expect it to feel like a loss.
I slap a smile on my face, opening the front doors for our early-bird regulars. A line forms swiftly, and I’m pulled into the hustle and bustle of everyday life. It’s a nice distraction, keeping me from fixating on the slowly escalating anxiety.
Hazel comes in later, working on some social media stuff for the shop. I can’t keep it in, telling her that today is my last day.
“Oh my god! Stella!” she cries, pulling me into a bear hug. “I’m going to miss you, but holy shit, this is so exciting!” She’s tearing up a little, but her smile is so wide it might break her face. Her warm embrace surrounds me entirely. I was expecting anger, sadness, annoyance, anything but joy.
She’s excited for me. I was so worried about what people would think, that they would drop me for leaving, that I didn’t expect her to be so supportive and happy for me.
“Are you keeping your apartment?” she asks, always one to get right down to business.
“No, I got out of my lease. I’m keeping everything in storage.”
“Good. If you can’t keep it in storage for any reason, tell us, we can keep your things at our place, and of course, when you get back the guest room is yours if you need somewhere to land.
” She wraps me up again, pressing my head into her shoulder.
I soak up the love. “Oh my god, you’re going to have so much fun” she squeals. That lures Beck out of his office.
“You told her?” he asks, arms crossed, leaning on the back wall. I nod my affirmation. “Told you she’d be happy for you,” he smirks. “We all are.” It’s true, he did tell me. Beck’s head is big enough though, we don’t need to tell him he’s right out loud.
Hazel pulls me aside. “Did you tell James?” she asks, lowering her voice, looking conspiratorially at Beck.
“No,” I admit. “We haven’t talked since… well, since everything went down at my apartment. I thought about texting. I wasn’t sure if it would be weird?”
“I get it,” she says, nodding thoughtfully. “Sorry, I was just curious.”
I brush it off. I know she meant well, checking up on me. I’m excited to have the distance from the situation though. If I really took the time to reflect, I would probably realize that I’m going to miss him most of all.
It would never work though. You’re too different, going in opposite directions. Why bother if it would never last? It’s better this way. A clean break.
The rest of my shift is notably lighter, although there’s one other person I’m keeping my eye out for.
The one person I told besides Beck was Miriam.
She had given me her phone number a while back, wanting to know when the caramel muffins were back in stock.
I sent her a text letting her know that this was my last shift, but as the sun starts to settle into the horizon and the end of my shift looms, I begin to worry that she won’t come.
It’s not the end of the world. I know she’s older and has trouble getting around. Still, I’m going to miss her. She means a lot to me.
I’m wiping the sticky coffee-syrup mixture off the counters from the day’s various spills when the bell on the door jingles. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a tall, blonde figure approaching the till.
He came. I whirl around with a hopeful smile on my face to see…
Not James? The man is definitely tall, and undeniably blonde, but he’s a little bit older, wrinkles weaving through his face, a slight hunch to his shoulders, and a spindly frame. He’s holding a folded piece of paper as he looks around, uncertain.
“Are you Stella?” he asks. I’m scared to nod. He’s in a suit, holding papers, and looking for me. Am I getting sued? Is this Nessa’s family coming to exact their revenge for keeping the money? I tremble as I tell him.
“Yup, that’s me.” His shoulders sag in relief.
“Thank God! I was worried you wouldn’t be here,” he says with familiarity.
“Excuse me, but, who are you?” I ask, slowly reaching for my phone, already open to a text thread with Beck. Sweat gathers on my palms as my eyes flick to the clock.
Someone will be here in a few minutes. I’m only alone for a few more minutes.
“Oh, I’m so sorry! I believe you knew my grandmother, Miriam?” That makes me pause.
“Miriam? Yeah, she’s a regular here. We love her. Is everything okay?” Worry curls in my gut.
“I wish I wasn’t the one to have to tell you this,” he says, shifting his weight nervously, “but she passed away a few days ago.”
Time stops. I try to process what he said to me.
“She died?” I ask in disbelief. “Was she sick? She seemed so…”
“Spry?” he says, a slight smile on his face.
“Yeah, she was good at putting on a front. Her health has been iffy for a while, but we think it was old age. It was simply her time,” he says sympathetically as my eyes water.
I shouldn’t be the one crying here, it was his grandmother.
She was a regular where I worked. We weren’t super close.
But we were friends. A gaping hole opens in my heart, knowing that I’ll never see her again.
“Thank you for coming to let me know,” I choke out.
“Of course, we saw your text come in, and she’s talked about you before.
A lot, actually. She called you her favourite grandkid sometimes, pissed my sister right off.
But it was clear that you were important to her.
She asked me to give you this, though, on her last day,” he says, passing the paper over the counter. I take it with shaking hands.
“I appreciate you coming by.”
“You’re welcome. Have a great trip, Stella. Make lots of memories. She would have loved that.” I watch him retreat out of the store, walking numbly behind him to lock the door. She told them about me? About my travels?
I put the paper on the counter, not ready to look at what it says as I finish my cleaning duties.
When the space is acceptable for the evening crew, I grab a seat in one of the plush armchairs in the corner and unfold the paper.
She’s written me a letter.
Dear Stella,
My darling girl! I hope you know, I never wanted to keep this a secret. I’m an old woman, and everyone has their time. I didn’t want mine to be lurking around the corner. Keeping it to myself meant that I got to enjoy every day I had with no regrets, no fear, and a whole lot of fun.
I hope Cameron was kind when he told you. I chose him to deliver this as he seems to be my kindest, and least idiotic grandchild. Somehow, despite these stellar genes, we made a few duds. That’s life though. Not everything works out, but you can make anything work.
I want you to know how proud I am of you.
Since our talk, I haven’t stopped thinking about how hard you’ve worked, how much you’ve overcome, and how sweet, kind, and lovely you’ve remained through it all.
Not everyone can do that, you know? You’re incredibly strong.
If I weren’t telling the reaper to give me a damn minute, I would say I want to be you when I grow up.
I see a lot of me in you—you’re tenacious, funny, and sharp as a tack.
Sadly, I won’t be able to hear about any of your adventures. I know I was looking forward to your stories, but when your time comes, it comes. No avoiding it. You understand that better than most. So I want to leave you with this—make this world your bitch.
You want to travel? Go see everything.
You want to stay at home, barefoot and popping out a brood for that handsome man that comes in and stares at you all the time? Go get on your back.
My one demand is that you don’t see things as one or the other. Wanting something doesn’t always mean you have to give up something else. Every problem has more than one solution.
On the back of this letter is some money that I’m leaving you.
If my vulture of a son follows my instructions, there should be enough to cover some flights and accommodation for you.
All I ask is that you go with an open mind and heart, and that when you come back, if your soul still calls to that boy, don’t hold yourself back.
Don’t assume the worst, that everything fails, that everyone will leave you .
The world may be your oyster, but it’s meaningless to have everything if you have no one to share it with. Don’t become old and alone.
And know that I’m watching you, always.
Love,
Miriam
I sniff, watching small water droplets spread on the neat handwriting.
I wipe my eyes, trying to regain composure.
Picking up the small package that the letter was wrapped around, I open it to see a literal wad of cash.
Without counting, I can tell it’s a few thousand, based on the volume of brown and red bills.
It’s been a while since I’ve been taken care of like this, like I had a mother. The hole in my heart, the one where my parents fit, grows a little bit larger to make room for her.
I’ve managed to dry my face by the time Nessa shows up. Her eyes are watery, and when Hazel walks up behind her, I know she’s already told her. I look at her in gratitude before turning to Nessa.
“It’s not like I won’t be back,” I console.
“I know, but you’re like, one of my best friends! I’m going to miss you, babe,” she sniffles before hugging me slash trying to strangle me. I laugh into her shoulder, letting her hug me as long as she wants. “You’re not leaving ‘cause you’re mad, are you?” she asks, her face pinched.
“Absolutely not. It’s just time to get out and explore. I’m one hundred percent coming back, I promise.”
“Then I guess it’s fine,” she huffs, “but only if you bring me a present!” I stare at her for a moment before all of us burst out laughing. I check the time on my phone.
“I will, Nessa. I better get going, though. My first flight leaves in a few hours,” I sigh.
“Where are you going first?” inquires Hazel. “Do you have an itinerary? I can touch base with you, make sure you’re okay, be your home base?” She looks at me earnestly, pulling out her phone, presumably to take notes. Warmth spreads through me as I look at my friends.
I didn’t expect to have something to come home to.
I don’t know how to express how much I love them in the few minutes we have left. Hazel must see it in my face.
“We’ll talk to you once you land, okay? You can call any of us, day or night.”
“Better use the messaging app, I’m turning off my cell service when I get to the airport,” I say, not wanting to miss anything they send me.
“You got it, Star Girl. We love you.” I hug them all one last time before stepping out of the shop. Despite the fact that it’s still winter, I can see small moments of thaw around me; melting frost, the sun making warm spots, snow turning to slush. Spring is coming.
The time for new beginnings.