Chapter 40
James
I’m pacing my apartment, staring at my phone.
I haven’t heard a peep from Stella since the last time I was at her apartment.
I don’t know if I should reach out first or if that would be invading her space.
I shouldn’t crowd her, but as I sit here, anxious as hell, wishing she would talk to me, I can’t help but run through every one of our moments.
The first time we kissed.
The first time I got to have her.
Playing truth or dare and watching her laugh maniacally at me.
Holding her close.
How angry she got that I bought her flowers.
Fucking that anger out of her.
Sleeping in with her.
Showing her my favourite TV show.
Her kicking my ass at cards.
I’m going crazy without her. And she’s leaving soon.
I should have gone with her. I would follow her anywhere. I need her like I need to breathe, like the sun needs to rise in the morning. And I let her go, like a fucking moron.
I sit on my couch, staring at the blue wall.
When I moved in, it was the one spot of colour in here.
I look around and take in my space. There’s the yellow throw blanket I got when she kept using mine on the couch.
Pink, strawberry scented candles that reminded me of her sit on the coffee table, half-melted.
Stella’s thick, rainbow fuzzy socks are tucked away in my drawer, ready for when she insists my apartment is in Antarctica.
All of the little pieces of colour that she brought back into my life.
I’m losing my mind when a call pops up on my phone. I answer it without even glancing at the name.
“Stella?” I ask, out of breath from all the pacing.
“No, dude, it’s Beck. Don’t you have caller ID?” I can hear his laughter through the phone and I’m not in the mood for it.
“Beck,” I say, using that tone that makes bouncers shit their pants.
“Sorry, yup. Yeah. Umm, just calling about Stella.”
“Stella?” I’m in an immediate panic. “Is everything okay? Is she hurt? What’s wrong?”
“She’s leaving. She’s starting her travelling early.”
“Yeah,” I say, tightly, “she told me she was going to be leaving earlier than planned. Why are you calling to tell me?”
“She’s leaving today.” His words hit me like a truck.
“Today?”
“Today.”
“Shit. Now, I don’t know everything that happened between you two, but I thought you’d want to know. She left for the airport about an hour ago.”
“An HOUR ago?!” I shout down the line.
“Dude, you have to chill. Yes, she left an hour ago and Hazel just told me you didn’t know.”
“Why are you even telling me?” I ask.
“Because if it were Hazel who was leaving and I thought I’d lost my chance, I might die. I would legitimately be kicking myself for the rest of time if I lost out on a girl like that.”
“Woman,” I correct.
“Don’t play dumb. I’ve seen you two around each other. Even if you can’t admit it, I know what she means to you. Do you?”
“She’s everything,” I say.
“That’s what I thought. Head to Pearson Airport. You should still have time.” My pulse is racing as I’m grabbing my shoes and coat, flinging them on with abandon.
“Sounds good,” I say, and before hanging up, I say one more thing. “And Beck?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you.”
Airports are a fucking nightmare designed by sadists.
I took a cab here so I wouldn’t have to park or drive through this freak snowstorm that came out of goddamn nowhere, but making my way through the hoards of people, dragging a hastily packed bag is going to be impossible. How am I supposed to find her?
I’ve texted her a few times, but none of them are going through. Beck wouldn’t have sent me here if she had blocked me or didn’t want to see me. He’s not that stupid.
I’m making my way to security, knowing I can’t pass through without a ticket, but I can’t buy a ticket without knowing where I’m going.
I’ve never been so happy to be taller than most people. I’m walking, looking over everyone’s heads, so I don’t notice when I walk straight into a short, twiggy guy dressed like a douche finance bro in his khakis and polo shirt.
“Dude, are you that drummer guy?”
This is my nightmare. I swear I’ve woken up sweating to this exact situation. To top it all off, not only am I being recognized, it’s at the worst possible time. I’m in a rush, and I’m not even in the band anymore. The universe has a messed up sense of humour. “From that band, Sad Wednesdays?”
“Heartbreak Tuesday’s,” I grumble, trying to get around him.
“No shit! Dude, you have to take a pic with me.”
“I don’t have time, excuse me.” I try to pass him but he blocks me.
“Don’t be a dick, it’s just a picture, dude.” He pushes his palm against my chest like it’ll stop me. I level him with a glare and I see his confidence flicker for a second. He’s not a tall dude, and I’ve got easily four inches and thirty pounds of muscle on him. This isn’t a fight he can win.
“Move.”
“Whatever, asshole,” douche bag says, snapping a photo on his phone and muttering something to himself.
I really don’t give a fuck. Without much thought, I start running through the airport to security.
I know, dumbest shit to do at an airport. I don’t stop to think it through, though. My heart is pounding. I know I can find her. I’m not out of time. I can’t be too late.
“STELLA!” I shout as I sprint past the check in kiosks. “Stella! Stella!”
Jesus, I sound like that guy from that movie.
A streetcar named desire?
Who fucking cares.
“STELLAAAAA!”
Just ahead of me, a blonde head spins my way, gaping at me from the security line. I’m almost there. My heart clenches. This is the moment.
Before I can get any farther, a strong hand grabs me by the elbow and hauls me back. A very pissed off security guard looks up at me, her severe expression steely enough to make a man crap his pants.
Not me, though.
Mostly.
“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to step over to the side.” Her tone leaves no room for arguing. I follow her to the side where her colleague stands with a deceptively friendly-looking German Shepherd.
Don’t pet the puppy, I remind myself. I try to look calm and compliant while I search for Stella. I don’t see her in the lineup anymore. Did she go through already?
She didn’t wait for me.
She saw me and left anyway.
My heart falls out of my ass. Maybe I fucked this up too badly.
I sigh, dejected, and wait for this nice woman who is just doing her job to kick me out. I mostly tune out as she reads me the riot act about running through the airport and security and safety risks. Or something like that. The only thought circulating through my head is that she left.
“Hi ma’am,” a soft voice says from behind me. “This idiot was looking for me.” I spin around to see Stella glaring at me.
“Okay, so long as he understands. Do you understand, sir?” The security guard is harsh, but she’s letting me go so I’m not about to push it.
“Yes, ma’am.” I have no idea what I’m agreeing to, but she nods and then waves her arm dismissively.
“What the hell are you doing running and screaming through an airport?? Are you out of your ever loving mind??”
“I had to find you,” I insist. “I couldn’t let you go without…”
“Without what? We already said goodbye, James. Please don’t make this harder than it needs to be.”
“I don’t want to say goodbye, sunshine.”
“I get that. I do. I almost hoped you’d come to the shop today. I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t know how. And now it doesn’t matter. I’m boarding a flight to Spain in like, two hours,” she looks around anxiously.
“Stella, please don’t go, not yet,” I’m begging.
“James, I’m going to go. You are…” she swallows harshly, “You are so important to me. But I’m not putting this aside for someone just because they want to be my friend.”
“I don’t want to be your friend anymore!”
Shock and hurt flit across her expression before she checks herself. “Well, thanks for running all the way here to tell me that. See you never, I guess.” She glares at me as she spins on her heel to walk away. I step in front of her, my hands up in surrender.
“No! No, no, no, I don’t want to just be your friend.
I want more. I want you, Stella. I need you.
I have for so long, but I’ve been so convinced that I would be bad for you, that I would validate everything you’re so afraid of happening if we did.
But I know better now. There is nothing I would ever intentionally do to hurt you.
I want to protect you from those things, be someone who you get to see the world with.
I thought my adventures were over, that my life was over.
And then there you were, so full of life, passion, and joy.
I call you sunshine for a reason. Because that’s what you are to me.
You are light and warmth. Let me be your sunbeam.
I want us to be the light for each other when we can’t be for ourselves. ”
She doesn’t say anything, stunned by my confession.
Well, buckle up sunshine, I’ve got another.
“I need to say something, and I need you to be quiet while I say it.”
“What do you mean? Is everything—" I gently slap my hand over her mouth and she pouts up at me.
“I’m not here because you’re my friend.” Not off to a strong start, but she waits, eyeing me suspiciously.
“I’m not here because you’re amazing in bed, or that you’re so incredibly beautiful that I can’t even think when you’re in the same room as me.
I’m not here because I can’t breathe when I look at you, or because I want you to kick my butt at cards or make fun of my stubborn ass. ”
I can see the confusion in her eyes, not understanding where I’m going.
“I know this might hurt us, and I understand the odds, but what if it’s us?
What if we’re the lucky ones for once? And to take that risk, for the chance to be with you for however long I can hold onto you?
I’m ready to make that bet.” Tears are forming in her eyes as she looks on with incredulousness.
“You’re my best friend, Stella. I don’t know when it happened, but it did. You became so important to me, I can’t let you go without knowing…
“Stella,” I say, looking into her eyes more intensely than I’ve ever looked at anything, needing her to hear this more than anything. “I love you.” I still.
“YuuWuvMm?” she asks, muffled by my hand. I laugh, throwing my head back and moving my hand to join the other on her waist.
“You love me?” she asks softly.
“I needed to say it. I’m so fucking in love with you it hurts.” She finally looks at my bag on the ground. “And if you’ll have me, I want to come with you.”
She stares at me in wonder, her eyes flicking to the window where the surprise storm still rages. “You ran to me in a snowstorm?”
“I cabbed to you while it was snowing, it’s very different.”
“Sure, stud.”
“I don’t know what my passion is, Stella, but you make me want to find it.” I cradle her head, tilting her to look into her eyes. “Until then, I can’t think of a better place to be than anywhere you are.”
“That’s a big speech, stud,” she teases, her eyes really taking me in.
“I practiced it on the way,” I joke.
“Can I tell you something?” she asks.
“Anything.”
“I love you too.”
I take a step back. “You do?” She nods and air fills my lungs like a weight has been lifted and I can finally breathe. “Are you sure? I’ve done nothing to deserve it. I know I’ve said some things…”
“You never had to earn it.” She reaches up to cup my cheek tilting my face to hers. “Love isn’t earned, it’s given.”
“And you’re just giving it to me?”
“Heart and soul, stud.” The smile she gives me is all I want to look at for the rest of our lives.
“Then where are we off to, sunshine?”
“I want to go everywhere with you.”
“Then let’s go.”