Holding On – HL Miller #3
Emmy’s expression shifts to one of guilt as she bites her lip. Her reaction is confusing. Micah’s inattentiveness isn’t her fault, but her reluctance to meet my eyes makes me realize perhaps he hasn’t completely abandoned everyone at SCU.
Maybe I’m the only one he’s left behind.
I cross my arms. “Is he talking to Grey?”
She glances away, studying the marketing company’s logo on the wall like she’s never seen it before. “So, uh, they talk four or five times a week. Usually, he calls when Grey’s getting ready to lift in the morning.”
My stomach sinks. Micah calls Grey constantly but not me? That makes his lack of effort even worse. A lump rises in my throat, thick and suffocating.
She attempts a reassuring smile, although it wavers around the edges.
“He probably doesn’t want to wake you that early.
But Grey’s free then, and you know how they love talking football.
” She plays with the pen resting on her notebook, making it spin.
“Honestly, I don’t understand half of what they discuss.
Something about the Northmen offensive scheme. ”
The mug of tea is warm in my hands, but it does nothing to stop the chill spreading through me. “He has time for Grey, but not for me?”
My mug thuds against the table. The muscle in my jaw twitches.
A splash of tea lands on the table, but I leave it there, too hurt to care.
Heat rises in my chest, but I shove it down.
I hate how this situation with Micah twists me up, making me react in ways I don’t want to.
Some days, I don’t recognize this insecure, unhappy girl clinging to a boyfriend who barely notices her.
Emmy clears her throat. “I know this doesn’t make up for how distant he’s been, but he told Grey he’s planning to fly you to Seattle for the first preseason game. I’m sure he misses you.”
“So, he talks about my visit with Grey more than he has with me.” I bury my face in my hands. “He promised long distance wouldn’t change us, but here we are. Three months since the draft, and he’s slipping away more every day.”
My words fall flat, heavier than I’d expected.
I haven’t wanted to admit what is happening to us, fearing it would make it seem more real.
Long distance wasn’t supposed to be like this.
But here I am, a shadow of the person I once was, waiting for the Micah who used to be there.
And with each day, he drifts further out of reach.
A breakdown in the glass-walled conference room isn’t an option. I force my head up.
Emmy squeezes my hand. “You guys love each other. You’ll figure this out.”
My phone vibrates in my pocket and my heart jumps. But the video call from my roommate instead of my wayward boyfriend makes my stomach twist.
I answer, desperate for a distraction. “Hi, girl.”
“Hi, babe! Hey, Emmy!” Janelle waves from her parent’s pool in Laguna Beach.
Neither she nor my other roommate, Kayla—who’s been with her family in Newport Beach—has been around much this summer. Normally, I wouldn’t care, but without Micah, it’s lonely. I’ve ended up intruding on Emmy and Grey more than I would have liked, but they’ve been understanding.
Kayla squeezes into the screen with Janelle, both glowing under the hot California sun in matching tiny bikinis. “Hi, Abby!”
Of course, the two of them are together. “Hi, Kayla.”
“Abby, you look funny. What’s wrong?” Kayla asks.
Janelle leans in closer to the camera. “Isn’t it obvious? Abby looks lonely and frustrated, while Emmy is glowing. Probably fresh off a multi-orgasmic night.”
Emmy’s cheeks pinken as she remains silent. She’s never been a fan of discussing her and Grey’s bedroom life with my sex-obsessed roommates. I certainly haven’t asked for updates while my bed is so lonely. Being around them and their physical affection is a painful reminder of what I don’t have.
“Sorry, Abby. Long distance is rough. But you’ll see Micah again soon.” Kayla turns her attention to my friend. “Emmy, have you asked that fine hunk of a man to move in yet? You put me off last time, but come on, you’re together every night.”
“I’ve been waiting for the right moment.” Emmy’s smile falters as she glances at me.
I hate that her joy in her relationship is tempered for my sake.
I chew on my lip before managing a smile, one that doesn’t quite reach my eyes.
I am happy for Emmy, especially after she and Grey nearly broke up earlier this year at the bowl game in Miami.
But envy twists in my gut, sharp and unwelcome, cutting deeper than I want to admit.
She gets to see her boyfriend daily. I’m lucky to get a text.
Janelle giggles. “I told you to ask him while naked. Pretty sure that’ll work.”
“Who would’ve thought, when you met back in the fall, that the two of you would be all loved up and moving in together by the summer?” Kayla laughs. “Oh wait, that was us who told you to go for Grey. We’re the best matchmakers.”
“Hell yeah, we are.” Janelle pumps her fist. “Now hurry up and ask him. You’ve been talking about it for weeks.”
My nails dig into the armrest. Hurt prickles beneath my skin, tangled with jealousy I hate having. My chest tightens, the pressure of it making it hard to breathe.
My gaze whips to Emmy, and my voice comes out sharper than I intend. “You told them weeks ago but not me?” The words are bitter on my tongue. Being rejected by Micah and blindsided by one of my closest friends on the same day hurts more than I care to admit.
Emmy fidgets, making her chair roll further away from the table. “I didn’t want to throw it in your face while you’re dealing with all this.”
“I still want to know what’s going on with you.”
“I know. But I also know how you miss Micah. It felt wrong to talk about it,” Emmy says.
I wave away her concern. “Tell me what’s going on with you two.”
“Since Micah and the guys moved out—” She pauses when I flinch. “Grey hasn’t liked living with his new roommates.”
Kayla nods. “No surprise there. Carter and Tyree fight like cats and dogs.”
“We spend so much time together that I figured it would make sense to live together.” Emmy smiles. “I’m going to ask him to move into my place this summer.”
“I’m glad it’s working out for you guys.” I force a smile until it feels real.
“Thanks.” Emmy fiddles with her laptop.
I’m glad for them to take the next step in their relationship, but it stings compared to Micah and me.
We’ve never lived together, though it never bothered me much before because we spent a lot of time together and stayed at each other’s places often.
I asked him about it a year ago, and when he said he wanted to be with his teammates during his senior year and suggested I stay with my friends, it made sense.
Especially with his travel for away games, and me being a year behind him in school.
But was that a sign that he wasn’t as serious about me?
Combine that with the fact that he can’t seem to make time for me now that he’s in the NFL, and I’m worried that maybe our relationship wasn’t as solid as I thought.
After Micah was drafted, he mentioned me moving to Minnesota, but he never actually asked me to move in with him.
Since then, he hasn’t brought up what will happen with us after my graduation.
I’d love for him to ask me to move in with him in Minnesota, but maybe he’s changed his mind about wanting me there.
Maybe I won’t want to move there if he’s going to continue to be a crappy boyfriend.
For now, I try to push aside thoughts of our separation.
Kayla grabs her phone. “That’s it, I’m finding you a flight for this weekend, Abby. You need some Micah time.”
Janelle sits up. “Good idea. She needs a quality dicking to put her in a better mood.”
Emmy rolls her eyes. “They never change.”
I don’t respond as I picture being with Micah this weekend.
Three more days. I can make it that long before I see him again and have his sexy, rough voice whispering affectionate things in my ear.
I can’t wait to be held tight in his arms again.
And maybe once I’m there, I can figure out if this distance between us is temporary or if I’m already losing him.
Kayla and Janelle chatter about flights, but I barely pay attention as I type out a text.
Abby: Can I come see you this weekend? I miss you.
I’m shocked when my phone immediately vibrates in my hand.
Micah: Hell yes! I can’t wait to see you, baby.
Micah: Send me the flights you want, and I’ll get your ticket.
Relief floods my chest, loosening it. Knowing he still wants to spend time with me makes some of the hurt curled up tightly inside of me relax. But beneath the sense of ease, a tiny knot of doubt lingers, refusing to unravel completely.
I keep texting Micah, needing reassurance.
Abby: Love you.
Micah: Love you, too, babe. More than you’ll ever know.
I shove away the urge to snap that I wouldn’t know because he doesn’t tell me what he feels and thinks anymore. When he isn’t bothering to call me more than once a week when Grey gets near daily calls. But I don’t want to fight with him over text. It’s better to discuss it in person.
Abby: It sucks being away from you.
Micah: I know. Come as soon as you can. I miss you, too.
My heart unclenches a bit and my cheeks warm at how sweet Micah is being.
He likes to play the tough football player a lot, unless we’re alone together, and he’s in the right mood to be more sensitive.
I’m starved for his affection and decide to let him off the hook.
When I’m there, I’ll bring up how he hasn’t tried to make time for me.
“Is there a flight arriving Thursday afternoon?” The sooner I’m with him again, the better to calm these fears.
Kayla smiles. “Yes! LAX to Minneapolis, arriving at 5 p.m. Thursday, with a return flight Sunday night. I’ll text it to you.”